บท 190: [Chapter 190] You Want Me to Want You
Returning to his quarters and changing into fresh clothes to start his work, Cledwin found himself locked in his room. Until the sound of light, rhythmic footsteps approached his ears.
The steady yet distinct sound of footsteps, with its unique rhythm. Though the sound was very faint, it resonated clearly in the keen ears of the skilled inspector. A smile graced his handsome face.
Knock, knock.
"Hello."
When he opened the door first, his wife was wide-eyed in her nightwear, with a red velvet robe draped over her. In the moment she was about to knock on the door, he had opened it first, leaving her right hand clenched in the air.
Her minimal change in expression in this bewildered moment made her look adorable. Of course, she was always cute.
Lowering his raised arm gracefully, Neris greeted with a bashful smile.
"Hello."
"Come in. There's still some work to be done, but I'll finish soon. Are you tired?"
They had left the masquerade party early, and despite the relatively early hour, Neris still seemed a bit off-color.
Cledwin welcomed her affectionately. He lifted the duvet on the bed so she could lie down. Neris lay down slightly stiffly on the bed and was buried under the thick duvet he covered her with.
Her tiny head poking out between the massive bed, huge duvet, and equally large pillow looked adorable. Cledwin kissed her lips and let out a wistful sigh.
It would be great if all the damn things disappeared. Just to be able to stay with her a little longer.
But if there was time to complain, he had to use it wisely. There were plenty of crazy bastards who wanted to touch him even at this moment.
Cledwin returned to his chair and reconsidered the tasks he needed to handle.
After a while, the sound of the duvet being lifted was heard. Neris silently approached Cledwin's side.
As Cledwin was about to ask if she wanted to sit next to him, he stiffened abruptly.
Neris hesitantly sat on the floor next to his chair, even though there was a perfectly good chair available.
She hugged his knees, rested her forehead on his thigh.
Soft, fragile, and warm like a small animal. Cledwin paused for a moment at the warm body temperature he felt throughout his leg, then smiled as if he couldn't help it.
"Do you like that position? I didn't know."
"Sometimes sitting up straight gets tiring. It exposes my chest and stomach to anyone looking at me."
He hesitated again. Then, with a thoughtful look in his eyes, he gently stroked Neris's head.
Unlike what one would do to a child, it had a slightly sticky feel, but fundamentally, it was an affectionate and gentle comforting touch. Neris closed her eyes.
She was aware that she didn't know what she was saying to this man who knew nothing about her. Embarrassment and self-loathing washed over her.
"I understand that feeling too."
Neris's shoulders twitched ever so slightly.
"Really?"
"Yeah. Since the day I first received the assassination threat, I've had those thoughts occasionally."
This time, Neris held her breath for a moment.
The darkness cast by a person's shadow and their warm body temperature. She swallowed dryly several times.
He would never know her truth. How many times she had almost died, and eventually did die, to live a new life. Yes, he could justify it by mentioning the two assassination attempts he knew of.
Sometimes she thought about telling him. If it sounded strange to him, she had already said many strange things. So, shouldn't she at least explain why she disliked someone like she did now?
To someone who had already helped her a lot.
But ultimately, the coward inside her cried, tearing apart her courage. Even now, she had already shown many ridiculous sides, should she show more?
Did she have to show her pathetic, foolish, pitiful, and frustrating side even more?
Sorry. Her courage sometimes murmured like a sigh.
To someone who treated a flawed person like her so well. To someone who offered her a name. Didn't she have the right to know the truth?
She still felt sorry for Cledwin. Not just for not being able to have a child, but for being so flawed, so wounded, so unable to be honest, and making him her husband.
She was ashamed of not being able to be a bit stronger and more admirable.
A sigh was heard above her head.
"My wife, my love, you won't show your face?"
As if following an order, Neris unknowingly lifted her face. Tears were now streaming down her face.
Her husband's face, looking down at her, was strangely contorted. His troubled furrowed brow and narrowed gaze staring straight at her... Was that pity? Or was it finally disgust?
Despite thinking he wasn't that kind of person, Neris realized she was painting him in a negative light. She felt like a ragged mess. This was truly it.
It was her problem.
A problem that seemed unsolvable.
Cledwin released her hand that was hugging his knee. Anxious that he might get up and leave, she felt a sense of unease, but he pushed the chair aside and sat down next to her.
His strong arms embraced her slender body.
"I'm perplexed. I want to know what scared you so much among today's events, but nothing seems to click. Was it seeing Megara Likianthros earlier that shocked you so much? You've been acting strange since then."
It wasn't surprising. It was just a reminder.
Neris finally realized her state and mocked herself. She once again recalled and spoke of that feeling when the person she wanted to be well with showed no mercy to her and gave all their affection to someone else.
Cledwin wasn't going to turn to Megara like Abellus did. He seemed uninterested in a woman's face or coquetry. Megara had a head, so she wouldn't show seductive eyes to Cledwin anymore.
But he was someone who had to give himself to another woman someday. And he would feel the terrible pain when that happened.
It was a product of overlapping past events and what she had seen today.
"It was different from the anger she felt during the fake Catherine Haricot incident. Fake Catherine was just a ridiculous clown in front of them from the start. But really, if he were to give his heart to another woman... Even though she had those thoughts back then, what was in front of her was Catherine, so she might not have been 'angry enough.'
What he did on the bed last night would belong to another woman. Even hearing the word 'wife' while being embraced by him would belong to another woman.
Thinking like that made her heart ache too much. It wasn't just a metaphorical expression; it truly made her heart ache so much that she couldn't sit still. She sat huddled, wanting to forget that future even a little.
But was she not a fool to set such conditions for herself?
So Neris didn't know how to respond. After a moment of contemplation, words she hadn't even thought of stuttered out of her mouth. She hadn't drunk a drop of alcohol, yet she stumbled like a drunkard.
"Why... don't you...?"
"Huh?"
"Why... don't you... finish with me? Is it meaningless because I can't have a child? But even if I can't have a child, men still want it sometimes. Am I so unattractive?"
Cledwin's arms that were around her shoulders stiffened. She held her breath. She regretted speaking immediately. What kind of childish complaint was that? To someone who didn't want it...
As planned, Cledwin released his arms around her. Then he stared intently at Neris's face.
Neris detested the reflection of her foolish face in his eyes. And she despised the pitifulness of her shoulders twitching as soon as he spoke.
"Sometimes I wonder how my wife sees me. I used to think she saw me as a stone with no feelings, but now it seems like she sees me as the biggest jerk in the world."
Sighing, Cledwin stood up and embraced her. Neris reflexively wrapped her arms around his neck."
"Do you think it's meaningless with you because I can't have a child? I'm pretty sure I've clearly told you before that I don't think of these bloodlines as my own children."
A faint smile crept onto his stiffened face, but the smile didn't seem cheerful.
The destination of the short movement was the bed. While placing Neris back on the bed was similar to before, this time he didn't bury her under the duvet but placed her on top and removed her gown.
His warm hand slipped into the thin white nightgown. The touch wasn't rough or hasty, but it made her tense. Yet, it also awakened a new sensation she had discovered in the past few days.
A strange fire ignited within her. Neris wondered if this time he would go all the way. Honestly, a part of her desired it, separate from her fears.
However, the next moment, instead of the devouring kiss that usually happened on the bed, his lips only tenderly brushed against hers in a gentle and compassionate gesture.
As both kept their eyes closed, they could feel each other's trembling gazes. Cledwin removed his hand from her body and stood up.
"Look, you're still scared like this. But what should I do?"
His broad back as he sat on the bed seemed slightly slumped. Neris stood up unknowingly and embraced him from behind.
"Was it because I was... scared?"
Just scared?
"I was hesitant because there might have been some hesitation built up during our journey here. On the first night, I originally didn't plan to do it. Because I didn't want to make things difficult for you. I hope you don't think I only treat you as an object of desire. From the second day, you seemed too scared."
Neris's eyes widened at the unexpected response. Her heart surged with conflicting emotions.
"Then..."
"I don't know what I expected from our marriage life. But at least what I thought was that I wouldn't just push you onto the bed whenever I wanted and leave if you didn't feel like it. I want you to want me."
Neris was greatly shocked.
What she learned from her first marriage about the relationship between spouses was exactly what Cledwin said he 'didn't think about.'
An unattractive wife was sought out for duty and once the duty was done, she was just a target to leave. If there were complaints about the husband, go to the authorities! Without the courage to do so, trying to teach the husband about etiquette, intelligence, and whatnot?
She couldn't count how many times she heard such words from Abellus. Even though she didn't express any intention, he would suddenly come and say such things before leaving.
Cledwin firmly held Neris's arms wrapped around his neck. Just that made her feel once again firmly anchored.
Not like a witch nailed to the stake for death, but like a cloud fragment that would drift as if it would fly away if let go for a moment, then finally settle on the ground like a piece of cloud.
Do you know? Neris whispered to herself. You seem to be winter. That long winter that comes to your land.
I'm a cloud. I have no substance. I drift and break as the wind blows, turning into snow when winter comes.
And only then do I become beautiful crystals visible to people.
It felt embarrassing to speak such absurd and sentimental words, but suddenly she truly felt that way.
Cledwin spoke firmly to Neris.
"When you're lonely like this, I don't want to touch your desire, but I want you to tell me what happened. Because you see, you've been deceived."
"What...?"
Cledwin released Neris's arms from around his neck. Then he gently stroked her wrist.
Neris looked up at him with a puzzled expression.
"I'm a lot funnier than you think. I lie well. I never intended to treat you like any other woman from the start."
Neris's eyes widened.
"But..."
"I said if I found a more suitable woman than you, right? That's not true. The woman suitable for my ducal consort is the woman I love."
There would be no one else who would speak about noble marital relationships in such a manner. Neris gasped in incomprehension.
"If you want, I'll show you. Whether I feel attracted to you, or if there's any other meaning between us that you need."
A gleam of desire rose in his narrowed gray eyes. It was so overt that Neris couldn't understand why she hadn't realized it until now.
"I won't do anything that makes you uncomfortable. So if you don't like it, just say. Even if I can't stop, I'll stop even if I have to knock some sense into myself."
Neris hesitated but nodded in agreement.
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