บท 168: Silent Companionship
Bai Zhanfeng nodded, supporting Old Master Bai as they left. Before long, upon their return, he indeed brought back several large jars of wine and placed them directly on the table.
"Xuan Yue, since we met, I have yet to share a proper drink with you."
Xuan Yue looked at Bai Zhanfeng and realized, like Old Master Bai, he too must be harboring many unspoken feelings. Perhaps, if he were to become intoxicated, it might allow him to vent, which could be a beneficial release.
From Old Master Bai's words, it seemed that the woman in question was not particularly generous. Today, she was absent; it was fortunate that she wouldn't encounter any difficult women. However, if that woman happened to be a friend's wife, her meddlesomeness could indeed complicate matters.
Regardless of what kind of woman she was, she was still Bai Zhanfeng's wife, the one destined to accompany him throughout his life. Thus, she sincerely hoped they could foster a harmonious relationship—though a deep romantic bond might be unlikely, at the very least, they should respect one another. She did not wish for any rift to form between herself and Bai Zhanfeng. However, it now appeared that such hopes were impossible. Yet, she was determined not to intentionally avoid Bai Zhanfeng, for doing so would make her uncomfortable, and it would only add to his sorrow.
Bai Zhanfeng was a straightforward man; from their acquaintance to now, he was the only one who had never deceived or manipulated her. He had often stood up for her, genuinely regarding her as a friend. Yet, in such an era, pure friendships between men and women were exceedingly rare, especially considering Bai Zhanfeng had once boldly declared in front of everyone that she was his woman.
She still believed in Old Master Bai's judgment; as the granddaughter of the Chen family, she would surely be sensible. However, when it came to matters of the heart, even the wisest individuals might struggle to maintain their composure.
"Bai Zhanfeng, have I ever asked you how you are?"
After downing a large jar of twenty-year-old rose wine, Xuan Yue felt a slight dizziness. She remembered that she hadn't; the day Bai Zhanfeng came to find her, he had asked about her well-being. But she knew he was not faring well. In truth, neither of them was doing well. She didn't want him to feign happiness, uttering lies about how well he was, for she preferred his usual directness. So, she congratulated him on his union with Chen Ruoxi, urging him to cherish this hard-won connection, fully aware that it was not his desire. Yet, she felt compelled to say this, hoping he would truly let go of the past; if he did, he might find greater happiness than he had now.
Perhaps her words would discomfort him or even cause him pain, but he could not deny the fact that Chen Ruoxi was indeed his wife, a truth that weighed upon him like the pressure from Old Master Bai.
"Isn't it true?"
Xuan Yue pointed at Bai Zhanfeng, laughing softly.
"Actually, when you asked me how I was that day, I wanted to ask you the same thing, but I held back because you looked far from well."
As she spoke, she sipped her wine, the exquisite nectar coursing over her palate. She even found the wine slightly bitter, the taste overwhelming her heart. She dared not confide in her brother; even if Lan Yixuan would understand, she could not voice her painful feelings, knowing he suffered even more than she did. She yearned for someone to confide in, someone to tell Bai Zhanfeng that she was doing even worse, but she kept her silence.
Bai Zhanfeng watched Xuan Yue, recognizing her inebriation, yet he remained sober. He too desired to lose himself in drink, but after that incident, he had refrained from allowing himself to become intoxicated again. He had made one mistake and feared that another would follow.
"Bai Zhanfeng, don't make things so difficult for yourself. You should be grateful that, at this moment, we are friends, not enemies. I won't interfere in whatever matters you have with Old Master Bai; he is your grandfather. He may not be your only relative in this world, but he is certainly your closest kin, the one who cares most for you. You might think he is being harsh towards me, but what concern is that of mine? To me, he is no different from a stranger. You may feel he sacrificed you for the Bai family, but that is your responsibility, just as it is his. He too has his share of helplessness—unspoken struggles. When he sees you in pain, he undoubtedly feels it more than anyone else. That old man is sharp-witted; he knows very well that if he chooses Xuanyuan this time, the risks for the Bai family will be significantly diminished. Everything he does is for you. Whether you recognize it or not, he has done much for your sake. Bai Zhanfeng, let the grievances, loves, and hates of the past fade into memory. What we can cherish is only the present."
The more Xuan Yue spoke, the more her heart ached. Others could cherish their present, but what about hers? She despised her current predicament, feeling trapped with no path forward or backward. No matter what she did, there was only pain and sorrow, never the outcome she desired.
"The tree wishes for tranquility, yet the wind does not cease. A child wishes to care for their parent, yet the parent is no longer there. Bai Zhanfeng, Old Master Bai is getting on in years; if something were to happen in the future, you would have no time to regret."
She was not cursing Old Master Bai; she was merely stating a possible future reality. Just as she often felt regret when thinking of Lan Yixuan, wondering why she hadn't cherished the time they first met. Why had they always been at odds, mocking each other? Why had they chosen to part ways after Yanjing?
Bai Zhanfeng's feelings for Old Master Bai were no less than those he held for her. Otherwise, at the entrance of the Valley of Death, no matter how Old Master Bai had tried to stop him, it would have been futile. Someone like Bai Zhanfeng could not be bound by responsibility or duty. Otherwise, after leaving Qiutian Manor, he wouldn't have sought out challenges against various martial arts masters. What truly mattered to him was Old Master Bai; inheriting the Bai family and bearing its burdens didn't necessarily mean he loved it more than anything. He simply did not want Old Master Bai's decades of hard work to go to waste.
"I know."
Bai Zhanfeng gazed at Xuan Yue, her eyes slightly glazed with the effects of the wine, bright and clear, yet seemingly filled with a sorrow he could not comprehend. They said emotions ran wild when one was drunk, but now, he was sober and felt an overwhelming urge to cry.
A man does not easily shed tears, yet at this moment, he felt like weeping, for he sensed the sadness in her eyes and the hidden struggles and pains within her heart. She was not as happy as she appeared.
He did harbor resentment towards Old Master Bai, not solely because of the obstruction at the entrance of the Valley of Death; that incident was merely the spark. Growing up in the manor, with the straightforwardness of a martial artist, he could not tolerate the deceit and intrigues of officialdom. Such schemes repulsed him. Yet Old Master Bai had persistently forced him to accept facts he did not wish to acknowledge, even urging him to change himself to fit in. He preferred the military camp, where the iron-willed men had hearts full of passion, direct and open. He felt at ease among them, while the sycophantic smiles of visitors at home irritated him. This was why Bai Chu had yet to establish a court; he did not want to take on that burden, and often, Old Master Bai was powerless to help.
Xuan Yue smiled and nodded. "He has already offered you a way out. I never knew that the usually dignified Old Master Bai could exhibit such vulnerability."
Xuan Yue blinked, laughing with delight as she pointed out the old man's earlier tears. Bai Zhanfeng smiled in return, finding it surprising. He had never witnessed Old Master Bai in such a state before. He understood his sorrow, his pain, and his struggle because he felt the same way, not much better off himself.
"Moreover, when you have the time, do visit him more often. The elderly often feel quite lonely inside, and they most wish for their descendants to be by their side to accompany them. If you return occasionally, it will surely bring him great joy, do you understand?"
Xuan Yue patted Bai Zhanfeng's shoulder and said, "Bai Zhanfeng, I can't shake the feeling that our roles have reversed. You've become more taciturn, while I seem to have turned into a nagging old woman. Oh, by the way, I think I need your help with something. What was it again?"
Standing up, Xuan Yue twirled her finger in front of her, feeling a bit fuzzy in the head and unable to recall what it was.
"Xuan Yue, you're drunk. I've already instructed the servants to prepare a room for you. Allow me to assist you to your rest," Bai Zhanfeng said, moving closer and wrapping his arm around her shoulder. Indeed, Xuan Yue had indulged too much at noon, and the world felt like it was spinning around her.
"No need for your assistance, Bai Zhanfeng. I'll have you know, I'm not drunk!"
"Madam, please take care to walk slowly."
Chen Ruoxi was in a rush. Ever since she learned yesterday afternoon that Xuan Yue's troops had arrived in Ye City, she felt restless and wished for wings to fly to the military camp. However, she held herself back. Early that morning, she had risen and headed to the camp under the pretense of delivering clothes, but was informed that she and her husband had already gone to the Bai Manor in the city. She hurried back, only to witness this scene: her husband supporting a tipsy woman, his cold demeanor softened into a gentleness she had never seen before. For a moment, she was dazed, only regaining her senses after a while, focusing on the woman in his arms. As described in legends, she wore white clothing, with a charming vermilion mark between her brows, yet she didn't possess the captivating beauty she had imagined. Instead, she appeared drunken and unruly, akin to the unrefined women of the streets. Yet her husband didn't seem angry at all; he patiently coaxed her before passing by Chen Ruoxi, giving her a fleeting, emotionless glance as he said, "You're back," and then followed after Xuan Yue.
Chen Ruoxi turned around, perplexed. What was it about this vulgar woman, who was already married, that captivated him so?
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