บท 70: Chapter 70 - The injured lioness.
Xin entered the medical ward room of lady Meiling, holding a sizable pouch, filled with books.
"Khe-khe, disciple Xin." Her cough sounded as if her lungs were filled with liquid. "Please sit down." Lady Meiling appeared ten or fifteen years older, and had gained a significant amount of fat. Without her makeup and expensive armour, she now looked like a simple middle-aged woman.
"Lady Meiling. I brought you some books." He could feel the pungent smell of her medicine, identifying the familiar smells and rare alchemical reagents that it consisted of. Expensive stuff. Manual meridian restoration? Wait, did they perform a pseudo breakthrough to restore her cracked core? That's quite stressful.
"People mostly bring me flowers. Some brought snacks and perfumes. No one brought books. 'Historical chronicles of the First Reign'? 'Ten autumn poems'? I'm impressed." She smiled sincerely. This boy, so serious, such a fancy book selection. The Iron Fairy found his attitude endearing, he was like a cute little dog, taking itself with too much pride and constantly antagonising larger dogs. Still, talking to her failed disciple, she felt a touch of shame creeping up, and looked aside in embarrassment.
Xin observed her in turn. Is she anxious about her looks? Is she afraid of being judged for failing everyone's expectations? He tried to read her expression, but she recomposed herself and took the books from his hands.
"I thought that you're rich enough to be able to afford food, and giving you flowers would actually be in bad taste, considering your condition..." He tried to explain his reasoning.
"My condition? You mean withering away, like the flowers that were cut off? And didn't you think I'm old enough to have read those books before? Those are the classics. I'd even say the basics."
"No, master Meiling! I meant the fact that you had a near-death experience! Bringing dead plants wouldn't be in good taste, right?"
Xin also wanted to say "And those books, you probably read them when you were my age, you must have forgotten them by now", and it took titanic efforts to hold these words from escaping his mouth.
"If you say so."
She had a disappointed face. Was she trying to control him by making him anxious, or did she genuinely get upset by his comment?
"Master, if I thought about the flowers in the context of withering, I'd bring you flowers still in the pot, so as to not insult you. Wait, it would also be stupid, considering the fact that you're bedridden!" Xin mumbled another justification, but dug his grave even deeper.
Lady Meiling's face froze for a few long moments.
"Ahaha! You're... Haha!" She laughed hysterically. "Aw! My stomach..." She grabbed her belly, her eyes tearing up from pain.
"Lady Meiling, are you alright?"
"It's... Fine. Don't worry, It was a human qi clot, I've stabilised it already. Seems it went unnoticed and was triggered by laughter, and it was my first time laughing in several weeks, so I didn't notice it prior. I owe you for this one."
Xin knew that he was walking on the edge. This injured lioness is still a beast, this moment he amuses her, next moment she'll remember his rejection and squash him. What should I even do? He quickly evaluated his options.
"You're welcome, lady Meiling. I'll send you a receipt."
For a moment, she made a blank face, but then smirked.
"Hehe. Enough, kid. Don't make me ruin your day. So, why have you come?" She was trying to gauge his motives.
"You're sick, I wanted to visit you and spend time with you, that's what my mom taught me. Sick people are often lonely, I could just be there for you, you know? And if you have other people you prefer to me, I can just leave after a brief chat."
Lady Ting long suspected Xin of being a devious manipulator. Such a straightforward explanation made her even more alert, but somehow he still touched a string in her soul.
"There is one thing that you're right about, Xin. After my failure, many people forgot about me. On the first day, half a sect visited me. The next day, when my core broke down, they all disappeared. When it was restored, they all came back again. This is life, and this is true loneliness. Out of a hundred people, only four or five truly matter."
Xin pitied her condition. To play the political game your whole life, to exchange pleasantries with those shallow fucks, all to be abandoned like that? What a meaningless game, and the prizes are stupid. Wasn't lady Meiling kind of shallow herself, though? Maybe it would be her awakening moment.
"You'd be even lonelier as a rank three." Xin suddenly said. Curses, I need to learn to shut the fuck up.
"A teenager, imitating a wise man... Out of your depth, completely. Heard about your mission, by the way. A spectacular tale. Even heard you wrote a report bashing my logistical approach."
Oops. When Xin wrote the report, he didn't connect the dots. He was mostly bashing Lady Meiling, since she's in charge of logistics!
"I never meant it like that. You are competent, I never denied that. Except if our sect is to grow, we can't rely on individual brilliance. We need systems and rules that prevent the issues before they happen. Our journey clearly evidenced this. I am not campaigning for anything, just sharing my opinion. If the sect tells me to shut up in the future, I will."
Lady Meiling smiled again. Is he that naive or is this a persona? Anyway, she found him amusing.
"Hearing all that, I only have one question — who was your father?" She poked him with a sudden question.
"Huh? He was a simple rank one hunter, an independent cultivator. He broke his core to be with his wife, my mother. She was rank two, but was also forced to break her core and forbidden from cultivating."
"And that's why you have no surname. A love story gone wrong, am I right?"
"Yes, my mother left us. Father died several years after. Disappeared, I mean, but there was a wolf tide, he was definitely caught in it."
"Is it possible that he just left, though?" She raised her eyebrow.
"No chance. We had plans for the evening that he genuinely anticipated. And I've investigated thoroughly. I found no body, but he hunted right where the wolves went through. It's obvious what happened."
"I see. If you say so. And you, are you forbidden from cultivating, as well?"
"No, I'm not. But if I carry his or mom's surname, they'll assassinate me, my father said. That's all."
"What's that sect's name?" Lady Meiling inquired.
"Autumn Leaf, in the capital region."
She coughed.
"They're smaller than our sect... Still, that's quite a predicament. On an unrelated note, I've been meaning to ask — are you going to break through any time soon?"
"Yes, my master. Of course." Xin responded proudly.
"May I advise you against it?"
Xin skipped two heartbeats. He squinted his eyes, startled.
"What? Why? I've got a bloodline, and a breakthrough method, and tons of inspiration for different technique variations for when my qi capacity is expanded. I've got the materials, and I'm assembling a combat..."
She interrupted him.
"You're not in the right mental state. I can see myself in you. You're still not over it... Whatever it was."
"Of course the weight of the journey weighs down on me, but I'm pushing through. My chances are very good."
"I am not talking about the journey. Listen, whatever it is that is happening to you, your whole attitude, your whole essence, they're soaked in something I can't express. This eerie feeling... I think you need to slow down and meditate some more. A few months or so."
The totem on his neck revolted. This woman is suppressing you with her anxiety in order to tame you! Fight back! Xin agreed.
"Maybe you're seeing yourself in me, and you're just anxious about the others succeeding you. So you subconsciously associate my situation with your situation, drawing connections where there aren't any. What makes you think I am not right mentally?"
"Boy..." She sighed. "You're like sandpaper. That rough pride of yours — ever wondered where it comes from? There's a whole mess in your head, ever tried sorting it out?" She knocked on her forehead.
Xin pursed his lips, annoyed. This is just baseless! What is she bashing me for?
"I think a lot about my internal landscape, and I don't think there's anything particularly wrong with me. Look, if you have actual arguments, please tell me, otherwise I don't understand how to take your words." Xin forgot about addressing her as master or using polite formulations.
"Let me tell you something. The metal element isn't just about control or hardness — it's also about grief. What's your relationship with grief, huh? And as for the wood element — expansion, growth, energy — aren't those twisted within you? Aren't you bound by some invisible chains? You need to lose them before trying to change the world around you."
Xin blinked twice and stared at her blankly.
"That's too broad. You didn't provide any examples. I don't get it."
"Spoonfeed you? Listen, I would, if you were my protege. Otherwise, disciple, you're on your own. Fine, think of me as a failure whose ambitions have destroyed her faction. And her looks. Use every ounce of your pride to distance yourself from what I said. But you'll get it. Eventually." She sounded quite spiteful. To Xin, it felt like a dialogue of two equals, not a discussion with a woman more than twice her age with ten times his power.
Xin felt a tight grip on his chest again.
"You just lashed out at me... I did nothing bad... It's stupid to hate me for not taking your deal back then, you don't know my reasons. I only came because I knew there was a person in pain and wanted to help a little bit, so I came, yet you seem to enjoy stabbing me. Did it make you feel better? If yes, I guess I served my purpose. I'll leave now." He felt like he just got scolded by his mom again, with her cruel half-truths and constant nagging.
Lady Meiling's heart was racing rapidly as memories flew through her head. Her own youth, several dear people she knew. She understood what Xin was heading towards, and wanted to reach out.
She didn't.
"Fine, leave. Thanks for the books. Don't ever use this tone with me again, I'll pretend this time was just you venting after a stressful journey. Leave me be, disciple."
"I am sorry." His tone said "I am not sorry", and he quickly left the room, his chin raised high.
Xin sat down in the corridor, his elbows on his knees and his hands on his chin.
What was that interaction? Why did I visit her in the first place? Why did Lady Meiling lash out on me like that?
"My dear wife, I've done my best, and gave you this humble gift. Why are you so upset? When you married me, you knew I'll never be rich. Why are you surprised now?" A scene flashed in front of his eyes.
"You're stupid. Think you can just buy my affection?" Mom stabbed his dad with her words.
"I thought I had your affection already? What did I do to kill it?" Xin's little heart bled for his father every day, a man constantly rejected by someone he considered his everything.
"Nothing, you did nothing wrong. Let's not argue in front of Xin."
"Mom, dad, please don't argue! You both have big hearts, and you love each other, I know!" Xin spoke with a seriousness unheard of in such small children. "When I grow up, I'll cultivate and take you under my wing. I will make potions and hunt legendary beasts, and I'll use this money to buy whatever makes mom happy! Then you won't have to worry about pa being poor!" His voice was filled with the determination teenage Xin lacked.
"Come here, sweetie." She came up to him and embraced him, kissing his hair. "You are already my most precious gift." Xin was a smart kid, he felt a note of sorrow in her caring voice.
"And what will you buy me, Xin? Heard you once promised to buy mom a flying sword! I'm a bit jealous." It seemed like the family had made up for now, his father was getting cheeky again.
"I'll buy you... ten jin of pork neck meat!" He proudly exclaimed.
"So, a flying sword for me, and ten jin of pork for me. Seems very equal, hehe." He approached his wife and kid and hugged them.
"Heh. Stupid." Adult Xin laughed out in the hall of a medical ward. He realised that his eyes were wet, then a sob escaped from his throat.
Why did I even cry? This is weird. I'm over this shit.
What about her words provoked me so much, sending me down the memory lane? I guess it's just my tendency to daydream.
Xin suddenly remembered that self-pleasuring session when he imagined lady Meiling. Oof. At least that fantasy will never appear again.
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