บท 6: I AM AFRAID THAT YOU WILL SEE THE STAIN I CARRY AND THROW ME OUT

RAIN

Dante is dead.

Part of me still doesn't believe it and another doesn't want it to be true.

The only way I can remove the image of him looking at me with regret and pain seconds before his death is by washing and scrubbing my body. The shower runs and I feel tears running down my face. I don't want to cry.

Damn him! Why did he have to look like the person I came to love just as he was dying? Why did he have to be that Dante; the Dante I wanted to save in front of the man who is claiming to be my mate?

How fucked up could it be that he knew? That that's my mate that's why he looked at me like I can finally be happy?

I hear Liam coming and I pretend not to notice. I wipe my eyes and start washing up normally, dreading his presence and the fact that he will come in and join me. Worse, ask me if I am okay.

But he leaves me alone looking flustered and I sigh, relieved.

The thought of food makes me want to retch but my body is feeling weak. It's been a week since I ate anything, and I know I look like it.

This man, Kingsley looks like he wants me. He is now my benefactor, and I don't know how to thank him. Sure, I feel so conflicted over Dante's death, I will never tell him that but I have to show gratitude.

The only way I know is with the only thing I have. So when he asks me if he wants to mate and claim me as his, my whole being is scared and wants to reject him, but if I say no, he will leave me or throw me away. Worse, he is going to force himself on me.

I have experience on how to pleasure a man and even though I don't ever want to be subjected to that feeling or state, this is the only way I know to say thank you.

My body is all I have and have always used, to get basics and live by. Even though it was a complicated arrangement, Dante and I shared that form of exchange. That was enough for me and I believed him whenever he told me he loved me, his whispers under the covers, promises between the rushed thrusts and groans.

So when alpha Kingsley touches me, wanting to claim me and mark me, I force my body to be soft under him and I tell him all the words I know will make him feel good and believe that I am into him.

But he stops abruptly.

"What's wrong baby?" I ask in my soft voice, almost baby-like.

He looks at me as if he is seeing me for the first time, all the lust clearing from his eyes and he jumps out of the bed.

Just in, there is a knock on the door and he shakes his head, forcing a smile on his face.

"Food is here. We don't have to do it now, eat first."

I half expect him to leave, but he doesn't. When the cart rolls in and it's loaded with all sorts of foods and meat, I feel my appetite coming.

Liam fixes me a plate and I don't even look up once I take it. I eat and fill myself up, a habit I have cultivated since I was a child. I would always eat and eat some more even if I was full because packing up was important as I didn't know when I was going to have food again.

I finish the third plate and I look up for the first time and see Liam looking at me deep in his thoughts. There is sadness and pain etched in his beautiful face but once he sees me looking at him, he clears it and smiles.

"I think you will bust if you take any more of that. Have some desserts, I will feed you more after some hours."

I nod and lick my lips, my eyes following the cart he pushes away by the door. He brings me a piece of cake and I force myself to forget the food that I still feel I have space for and ease in the bed, eating the cake.

"How are you feeling?"

The fork pauses mid-air and I look at him, wondering what he means. "I am okay."

"Rain, tell me the truth."

I lick my lip and think of which degree is he asking me. Wrong answers mean being whipped, and unsatisfactory answers mean being burnt with cigarette stumps.

"I am fine. You have been kind to me and fed me, I am feeling wonderful."

He is silent for a minute and I wonder if he is going to slap me because I have said something I wasn't meant to say. Dante once told me that being overly gracious makes people uncomfortable, that's why the alpha broke my arm that one time.

Now I only measure my gratitude to avoid overdoing it all while letting them know they have saved me.

"Why did you faint earlier? I know it's partly because you haven't eaten, but what's the other reason?"

"I was scared," I fiddle with my fingers looking down. "When you killed him, I was shocked because I have never seen anyone die in front of me."

He sighs and rubs at his face tiredly.

"I am sorry," I apologize. "I made a fuss and you have to deal with me and my baggage. I will leave and not disturb you anymore," I start to get out of bed and he looks at me without saying a word.

"You didn't make a fuss nor bring about baggage. What is your problem now is mine. I don't want you to ever forget that."

"Why?"

"Because you are my mate."

"But that isn't enough to take on all my problems. I am messed up, I have a fucked up past and I am a nobody no one ever wants to be associated with! I am trash!" all the emotions I have been suppressing burst.

"It's enough for me! I told you already, it's enough for me, you are not trash and I won't stop telling you that you are not a nobody, rain."

"I can't! I can't taint your world, because everywhere I go, I bring pain, I taint it and make it dirty! I am dirty and you… with your perfect world, perfect penthouse, and perfect life, I will ruin it!"

"No."

His resolve makes me start crying hard.

"You are the first person to ever treat me with this endless kindness and I will die if I see you realize that I am right. So please, let me go. I can't be your mate, I don't even have a wolf let alone a status to match your alpha class."

"You are my mate, and that's all I see. I already love you!"

That word breaks me completely.

Someone once told me they loved me. Through their love, I experienced a lot of pain and betrayal but he always told me he loved me when he crept up to me in the middle of the night in between his quick hurried attempts to remove my clothes only to leave me before dawn broke.

I hate that word.

"Don't ever tell me you love me! I don't want to be loved, I don't deserve it. Please, leave me alone. I just want to go!" I shout weakly, as I feel the fight leaving my body. "I just want to go."

"I am never letting you go Rain. I have finally found you and that means I am never letting you go ever! You are mine now and I can't ever let you leave me. I have waited for such a long time for you only to let you go."

I start running but he is faster than me. He blocks the door before I get a chance to bolt out of there. When I start to push him away, he picks me up carries me on his shoulder, and throws me on the bed.

"I meant it rain. I am never letting you go."

"Please, please! Let me go!" I cry as I wrestle him but he pins me down.

It's useless, he is much stronger than even if punch him or push him, he doesn't move an inch.

"I am sorry," he kisses the top of my head. "Even if it means locking you up so as not to lose you, I will."

With that, he leaves me in his room and locks me in.