บท 4: a form of envy from someone who loses
"Then... Beako... How is it? Does the sound of my piano sound beautiful to your ears?"
"You did it on purpose, didn't you? You wanted to embarrass me like that? Why? Why did you take my place? Are you seeking revenge because your mother scolded you because of me in the past? Hey, answer me... William!"
My screams echoed in the room that day. I shouted at William with all my might. Venting all my frustration towards him as the target of my hatred.
It was because I failed to win the piano competition due to his presence. The presence of a genius among geniuses who held the title of the best youngest pianist at that time.
I failed to achieve my dream that year after winning the competition for 3 consecutive years and being the best since I was in 4th grade in elementary school. But in my 4th year, I was shocked to find out that I was now defeated by a newcomer who won in one try.
Since the day he won, I finally found out that me and William's piano tutor were the same person. Because my tutor always talked about William and boasted about him as if he were his own child.
Hatred grew in my heart, and that hatred was directed towards William.
The hatred I felt was very strange. Why should I hate someone who is innocent just because he is better than me?
I thought like that for a moment, but my hatred only subsided briefly, then grew stronger.
I didn't really mind being number 2. But the people around me who used to praise me for being the best no longer behaved the same way. They were still kind and smiled at me, but there were no more praises and words of appreciation for being the best. Because all the praises were now directed at William.
Moreover, William himself often tried to talk to me every moment and smiled at me.
"Are you secretly mocking me in your heart?" I thought every time William talked to me. But I was afraid to because maybe i'm just misunderstand, that's why I stayed silent.
one day, after our first year of junior high school had ended, William called me and invited me to meet him in the music club room, claiming he wanted to show me something.
I was confused about how to respond because the reason I hated William was because of music. Meeting someone I hated in a room full of things that made me hate that person. I didn't know whether to reject him at that moment or not.
"Please... I want to show you something that might amaze you," he said when we were on the phone.
"Sigh... Alright...," in the end, I accepted William's offer and followed his request.
I walked and kept walking towards the music club room that William mentioned. Along the way, with no one else around but me, I heard someone playing the piano. I was sure it was William, he must be waiting for me while playing the piano.
I pressed my chest as a sharp pain pierced my heart. Memories of the humiliating defeat that day resurfaced. The memory of having to pretend to smile in front of the audience and congratulate William on his victory. My stomach even felt queasy just remembering it.
The reminder alarm for students still in club activities after school started buzzing.
It made me wonder if I should leave William there alone and go home without saying anything.
"The next day, I can just say that I suddenly felt unwell. That way, he will also be tormented, right? Waiting for something uncertain will surely make him feel disappointed!" I thought at that moment.
But then I remembered that I had promised. If I hadn't promised him, I might have done what I had just thought of. But a promise is something I will not break, because a promise is very important to me. I will never break a promise I made until I die.
Finally, I arrived in front of the club room, and as I opened the door, William was already looking at me with his smile.
Ah... This dream again, once again I dreamt the same thing tonight. I knew it was just a dream, but it seemed so real.
"Hey... Beako... How are you?"
"Enough with the small talk. Tell me now, what do you want to show me?"
"Didn't I already show it to you?"
"What?"
"The piano performance, 'River Flows in You,' do you like that song?"
"What? Why do you think that?"
"Of course, I know. You played that song when we were in the final back then. I noticed your face that seemed to really enjoy the atmosphere when you played the piano on stage at that time. You like that song, right?"
I was surprised at that moment, I didn't expect him to pay attention to me and understand me. My hatred towards him slowly began to fade within me. I started to doubt myself at that moment.
"Was I just misunderstanding William?" I thought to myself while pressing my chest, which was about to explode due to my rapidly beating heart.
"So, what do you think? How is it?" William asked again.
"About what?"
"The song I played, didn't you hear it? But you should have heard it, right? Are you thinking about something that you're not focused on your surroundings?"
"N-no...," I lied to him. In reality, he was right, I was truly lost in my ambiguous feelings towards him that I couldn't hear anything except my heart expressing hatred.
"Then why didn't you hear it?"
"Besides, from the beginning, why do you think I could hear it from the outside?"
"Of course, I knew that there was a commotion in the basketball club, right? The basketball club is near the music club building. And a few hours ago, you said you were still working on the student council tasks. But I couldn't find you in the student council room, so I concluded that you were sent by the student council as someone who directly observed the basketball club's condition."
"Why are you so sure?"
"I'm not sure, I'm just theorizing based on some information I gathered. After that, I kept looking at the basketball club from here while talking to you on the phone. And a few moments later, you came out of the basketball club building. After that, I saw you heading towards the building where the music club is currently located. What else would be your purpose in coming to this building other than heading towards me? In this building, there is only the music club and a few other light clubs. You also only joined the student council and the tennis club outside this building. That's why I started playing my piano while welcoming you. You didn't want to waste your time, right? That's why when you arrived, you could only give your opinion on the song I played. But it seems like you didn't listen to the song I played at all. What's wrong with you? You also opened the door a little late as I suspected, did you stop in the middle of the road for something?"
"I-actually, I heard it...," feelings of envy and hatred began to return to my heart. His precise explanation and his understanding of me now made me feel nauseous.
"Oh... Really?"
"Y-yes...," but in reality, I realized that I was just envious of him. Envious of his intelligence, talent, and himself.
"Then... Beako... How is it? Does the sound of my piano sound beautiful to your ears?"
Hearing that question at that moment made the emotions I had suppressed slowly come out through my mouth.
His question that questioned his piano skills in front of me made my hatred towards him grow even stronger.
In the end, I unleashed all my emotions with various unpleasant words for anyone to hear. And I targeted William as my target so that I could feel a little relieved after releasing all the emotions I had pent up for so long.
In the end, I realized that I didn't hate him. I just hated myself for miserably losing to a newcomer. And in the end, I realized that I was just envious of him.
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