Since yesterday's ordeal with Fabian and Lady Danbury, tensions were running high in the Vega manner, Safa and Wolfgang specifically, didn't share a word even when they had dinner together last night.
Now, it's a brand new day, And Since it's a Monday, the servants were back again.
Most of them can tell that Wolfgang wasn't in his usual serious spirit, he barely said anything about anyone or criticized or screamed yet, he even turned an eye on servants that were slacking off a little, and James watched all of this with a heavy heart.
He thought he had managed to comfort his lover a little but obviously with Safa and Wolfgang not on speaking terms, how can he be comforted that easily.
Clara on the other hand didn't seem alright either, she herself was quite distracted from everything that was going on and since Wolfgang wasn't feeling like himself, Denver gravitated towards the anxious girl following her around and barking from time to time to get her attention.
But as Clara had already paced around the entire manor few times, her brother finally began to realize his sister was acting odd too.
"Is something on your mind?" James said approaching her.
"..." At first she looked at him without anything to say so he asked, "Are you upset with me?"
"Oh! No... no, I was just unfocused, I must've lost myself in thought again." Clara replied with a nervous smile.
"Are you worried about something? is it what happened yesterday?...speaking of which, what did you and Fabian speak of, you never told me?" He asked.
"And I don't have to tell you." She replied sheepishly.
Sighing, "Fair enough, I just wish that you wouldn't be so worried about Fabian...are you interested in him?" James asked.
"You know...I didn't wish to say this especially not around you, you know...but if you and Safa are getting married, that means Fabian is probably not..."
"What are you blabbering about all of the sudden?!"
"I don't know if you're the person to ask for advice or share problems with, James."
"Insults aside, let's be serious Clara! if something is troubling you, please let me know...I am your brother, I can see you're troubled." James said.
"Are you sure I can tell you anything without you judging me or attempting to control my decisions? because I really doubt that I can keep this hidden any longer..." Clara asked.
"I promise to try and keep an open mind about this, and I won't be controlling your decision, honest!" James replied.
"Well then I think I can trust you...sort of..."
"Alright, sister, say it."
Chuckling, "I will never get used to you calling me sister." Clara said.
"Clara, don't tell me you want to let me know and then start beating around the bush." James replied crossing his arms.
"Fine fine I shall say it... You know how Safa thought that Fabian might become interested in me...I mean how she tried to have him court me?" Clara asked.
James frowned, "Oh yes! speaking of that once things calm down I will talk to her about this! I understand Safa was trying to protect herself but using you as a scapegoat, I deserve to be angry about that!"
"You don't deserve to be angry about anything, it's not your choice first and foremost, it's mine.
Besides! Safa wasn't using me as a scapegoat, she just merely thought that Fabian is a good match for me, and I'm a little inclined to believe she might've had a point." Clara replied.
Scoffing, "Ha?! What could possibly make you and that Bloody jerk a good match?!" James asked.
With a winning smile, "Well, we have somewhat similar upbringings, we are both very emotional people and we're interested in traveling, we also like animals a lot...should I go on?" Clara said.
Defeated, "Alright ugh, you made your point but that doesn't matter, you always preferred men like Joey, and Fabian seems to preferr women like Safa that torture the living hell out of him.
I can't see this as a reasonable match." James replied.
"Haven't you realized just how similar Fabian is to Joey, he's like an educated Joey with a sprinkle of tragedy." Clara said
"That...makes no sense at All?"
"You know I'm right, Brother."
"No you're not."
"James, I'm serious! I think I am starting to develop feelings for Fabian!"
"Feelings?!" James's eyes went wide, "Are you delusional? What made you think of that?!"
"Where's the Open mind?! Ugh...anyhow, From the moment I saw Fabian at the party, I believe I was captivated by him, he's strangely handsome after all..." Clara replied blushing, "Remember when you asked me what's wrong upon meeting Fabian and I tried to brush you off?
I felt disappointed because I was excited to meet him, but immediately I could see that he was becoming madly in love with Safa by the second..." She added.
"Oh that's why you were disappointed...Are you feeling heartbroken because of that?" James asked.
"I hardly know the man, and I haven't met him for that long yet I never felt so sidelined in my life... Fabian could barely even look at me but he was barely able to take his eyes off of Safa either."
"Clara..."
"I'm beginning to understand how difficult this must've been to Joey...I should've told him years ago before I left Southwark about my feelings for him at the time, before he could even meet his now fiance Mary.
Now I'm receiving my punishment as I slowly lean towards Fabian, a man who's hellbent on chasing Safa...
And I know he's serious about Her because he's willing to make her an enemy just to win her heart."
Intrigued, "What do you mean, an enemy?" James asked.
"I believe he might be planning something...bad." She replied.
"Did you discover this when you went to speak with him yesterday?" He asked.
"Sort of..."
"Did he say what he plans to do?"
"Unfortunately no, I cannot put my finger on it, I highly doubt that he's planning something sinister but I have a feeling that whatever he's planning, either will make the situation extremely worse, or it may surprisingly work in his favor...
when I spoke to Fabian, There was a sudden hint of determination in his voice, although he was heartbroken himself, he seemed sure that he could somehow win Safa, almost as if something came into his mind telling exactly him what to do." Clara explained.
"I hardly doubt that..the boy had a group of people planning on his behalf and behind his back and still failed.
he was too stupid to do anything on his own, I doubt he can come up with anything and if he did, I doubt it will work in his favor! now that I think about it, he does resemble Joey a little.
They both can't come up with good ideas." James replied.
"I'm surprised he plans to keep trying, maybe Fabian is the man for Safa after all?"
"Honestly, I sort of see it as well, only a man that dumb would come back after so many humiliations by a woman like Safa."
"I understand why you're against him if you are James, after all your marriage to Safa is not only beneficial to you but to her and all of us, we can all live together in here peacefully, if you and Safa were to marry."
"Obviously yes... I just hope Wolfgang can understand that."
"I suppose he's not against Fabian and Safa being a match?" Clara asked.
"And it would seem that even you yourself aren't completely against him, aren't you the one who came with the idea of us living together?" James asked back.
"It's only natural that Wolfgang wants Safa to be happy.
for years she denied herself any chance of happiness because she didn't believe she deserved it, not only that but she thinks because of her body she's unworthy of so many things.
You can't blame Wolfgang, the man who has been by her side for almost a decade, for wanting Safa to be happy and fall in love just like you and him did.
To Wolfgang, this must be the only time an eligible bachelor has shown real interest in Safa, and we don't know everything about Safa and Wolfgang's history, but we both know Fabian's situation could be a miracle to Wolfgang.
Fabian is as much of a miracle as you James." Clara replied.
"You think I'm a miracle?"
"You are a unique person James, You Don't See Safa's limitations, you don't care that she's a woman, you treat her as an equal.
you didn't care that Wolfgang was into men when you first found out, even though you yourself had no idea that you liked men as well.
To me you're a kind person who doesn't see people based on what they are you but who they are.
You and Wolfgang are the rarest type of men to exist and quite frankly I didn't think there would be another one of you, but there comes Fabian, I mean that man didn't care not even once that Safa was crippled if anything, he went on and made her a cane with his own hands!"
"I appreciate your kind words about me...and I'm starting to see your point clearer.
but that doesn't mean that Fabian is as open-minded as I am or Wolfgang or you and Safa..." James replied nervously.
"Are you afraid that Fabian may discover your relationship with Wolfgang and react badly?" Clara asked.
Worried, "The boy remained a virgin for 30 years, he may have been a drunken head, but he has clearly inherited his aunt's religious views, I have no safe way of knowing for sure how he'll react if he were to find out that I intend to marry Safa so that I can continue on as Wolfgang's lover." James replied.
"If that happened, then all of us will eventually share the same stance, if Fabian proved himself to be unworthy by being unkind, then Safa will make sure he's out of our lives.
She will not tolerate a man who cannot treat the people she loves with mutual respect."
"You mean to say that we should give Fabian a chance and see if he turns out to be a hateful person? we should just kick him out now while we have the chance.
It's always better to be safe than sorry, what if he starts spreading rumours?" James asked.
"Fabian doesn't strike me as a person who would spread rumors and whatnot." Clara replied.
"Of course he doesn't seem that way! because we don't know the man's nature for sure!
he could run his mouth and expose all of us, not to mention that he's friends with Colin Bridgerton! the man who is married to the one and only Lady whistledown." James said.
"I believe you're exaggerating your worries brother."
"Believe me I'm not worrying for no reason, What I know is that we're possibly against a future enemy that doesn't realize just how strong and powerful he can be yet, Fabian has the Queen and Danbury on his side!
And when he does realize that, we are all damned!
The only way to protect ourselves from this man is to not let ourselves be exposed to him any further."
"Then you better find out what he's planning to do and stop him...while I do believe he deserves a chance...I still like the idea of you marrying Safa." Clara replied.
"Thank you for understanding, I will start digging soon to see what he's planning...And I hope your feelings for Fabian fade as quickly as they came...
that man is only looking for a rich wife, I doubt he'll appreciate you or Safa well, you two are rare diamonds in my eyes." James replied before he hugged his sister tightly.
Fun fact: Love, often referred to as “chemistry,” defies a precise formula. Its intricacies vary for each individual, influenced by diverse elements such as physical attraction and comfort in another’s company.
There is no such thing as a set time frame for a couple to be considered in love. It is also practically impossible to force another person to love you.
after all, Each person is different, their experiences in life and personal tastes are unique for each individual.
In Colin's drawing room, "You are sure you still want to pursue Safa?" Colin asked, "Are you asking me as my friend or as the man who was behind the reason I even tried to pursue her in the first place?" Fabian's sarcastic response made Colin frown.
"I admit I started this, in a way...but you're about to make things worse."
"And?"
"Fai, She'll become your enemy!" Colin said.
"I made my decision, Colin."
"Fabian, Safa deserves to make her own decisions."
"She already made her decision, I am just following her orders, and you promised to help!"
"And I regret that! I should've known this is what you have in mind!"
"So are you backing away?" Fabian asked.
"I... I'm not sure Fabian." Colin replied.
"You should have been careful when you promised to help then." Fabian said.
Feeling guilty, "Look, I fully regret how things turned out to be, but think about this please! I know I promised to help but this?!?!
you cannot tie Safa to you like a dog, you saw how she reacted during the shooting game and that was in front of us, do you think that behind closed doors, she would let you live peacefully?!" Colin replied.
"Either I die or marry her at this point, I do not care!"
"You are scaring me Fabian!"
"I know I seem like a butthead for doing this but I cannot give up anymore, I have given her my word, unlike you I am willing to keep it!" Fabian replied.
"Fabian! if one of my sisters were to be in Safa's shoes, I would be shooting you out of anger!"
"It is a risk I am more than willing to make Colin! I barely have anything else worth living for besides the few people I consider close, including Safa."
"You won't be getting any closer to Safa this way! I promise you that!"
"I know that with time I can make her love me, but I cannot do that if she seriously gets engaged to James!"
"What makes you so sure she'll ever love you, especially if you go with your plan?!"
"I have a feeling." Fabian replied.
"A feeling?!" Colin nearly shouted, "Fabian I will remind you one last time that it's not too late to just abandon your crazy idea, you have to understand that you can't force someone to love you! Please take this discussion seriously." Colin said.
"I am choosing my life partner, I am taking it seriously!
I will not search for another wife when I have found the one I love, she is getting married to a man who wants her only for her money!" Fabian replied.
"I understand you're seeking true love and a real connection with Safa but What is love in bad conditions but a recipe for disaster!
Besides you also want A rich wife for money! Just because you have feelings for Safa doesn't make you any better than James?!" Colin argued.
Fabian sighed, "I was just a stranger to her, not long ago...yet she came to my help without me even asking...how many people you know that would do such a thing?!
She did not make fun of my looks, nor ridiculed me when I told her about my past, and how strained my relationship with the Struats was.
Even when she sensed that I was developing feelings for her, Safa still decided to help me by making that BLOODY tea!" Fabian replied.
"I understand that a kindness like Safa's is something you didn't experience much in your life, but it won't last if you turn her against you." Colin replied.
"I made my mind, col." Fabian replied.
...Meanwhile...
Sighing, "Maybe I should read something else." Clara said as she rose from her chair, but not before she gently removed the sleeping puppy from her lap.
In the library, She made her way to the ladder by the bookshelf where she picked Bernardino's memoir to return it.
But While climbing down, she got an idea.
"Safa's study has bookshelves too...maybe if I take a look there I might be able to learn about her work and be able to assist her!"
So excited, Clara left the library, leaving Denver to sleep in peace while she hurried to the empty study room.
Upon entering, Clara immediately went to the bookshelf behind Safa's desk, and she was met with a rows and rows of books seemingly all about plants.
She started picking few books to read, but then noticed something.
A book was apparently hidden in a dark spot behind one of the books she picked, and as she pulled it, Clara saw that it was similar looking to Bernardino's memoir.
"It must be another journal." she thought, it had no title on the outside just like Bernardino's book.
Curiosity took the better of her and Clara found herself preparing to read the hidden journal.
Sitting down, she took a deep breath opening the book.
With curious eyes, Clara read the first thing she saw on the first page, a title 'My confessions'.
Then her eyes quickly darted to The bottom of the page where a signature with the name, 'Charlotte Carrington' was written in excessive cursive.
"Charlotte?" Clara wondered flipping the page, but her excitement soon began shifting as she read, "Dear unfortunate Reader...I assume you are either my beloved husband...one or both of my lovely children... or perhaps you are my father.
You could be a stranger too, but I doubt a stranger would get their hands on this, but if you are... I would not recommend you to read any further.
However, it does not really matter since I cannot stop you, because if you are reading this, it could Only mean one thing.
I am no longer Alive." Clara gasped at that sentence, she questioned herself, "Oh god, Should I be reading this?"
For a moment she considered putting Back the book, but she was all alone, no one could see her read it, and if she read Anything she shouldn't, it would become her secret.
So Taking a deeper breath to calm herself, Clara decided to read more.
"My name is Charlotte Carrington, I am an Englishwoman from a prestigious family, since I was born into wealth and prosperity, you would think I lived blissfully up until now.
Yet since the day I was born, life has decided that blissfulness is not mine...I only began writing this because I am currently dying.
But to be fair, I made my own life a hell sometimes, as I have a tendency to make decisions that I am well aware i would regret as time goes on...
Regardless of it all, I must admit I lived a relatively easier life than most people In this world due to my family's wealth.
But because money does not buy you happiness, one cannot as a normal person with emotions, keep on denying the truth that one can still suffer even if you are blessed with riches beyond the average peasant's imagination.
So here, I decided to relieve myself of some of the things that I keep locked inside my heart, things I cannot share personally with those I care about, because it might worry them...hurt them even...things I wish not to explain in person.
So I decided to write them here, so when I die...Those I love may find this book and read it for themselves.
So by the time anyone would have their hands on this, I would be gone and cannot possibly be questioned about what i wrote." Clara flipped the page again.
"Anyhow, I will start this book with lighter confessions and as we progress, it will only get heavier and heavier and you will see that I have hinted in each title at the subject of my confessions.
And I am sorry in advance if you found a confession about you specifically...You already know by now why you are reading about it instead of hearing about it from me.
So now, that you know what this is about, and if you are a member of my family...I wish to apologize again, I hope you would forgive my cowardice, I love all of you.
Especially you, My dearest of them all, My little Angel Safa." Clara gasped at the name, she immediately started flipping through pages and checking each title, and sure enough it was just like the author had stated.
Just by reading the titles, one after another, Clara could see that the confession were becoming more and more...dark.
So she decided to gather all of her courage and skip to the last confession.
Her eyes widen at the title, 'I love my daughter, but I believe she should have not been born at all'
Clara's heartbeats were now insanely fast, she began nervously reading the confession, her eyes already filling with tears as she did so, "I know it seems heartless to say something like this about my own flesh and blood...I love Safa, perhaps a little more than I love Bernardino, so it does not make much sense for me to say such things.
But I do believe it should have been this way.
Poor thing, we both nearly died when I was delivering Safa.
She was born too frail, too small, even for a baby girl...she was suffering from the moment I brought her to life.
I remember the face of the midwife when she looked at her, her smile, It evaporated.
At that moment all I could think of, was my baby dead? What happened? But later I would realized that it was a fate worse than death.
She lived.
And As a newborn, Safa was too sick all the time, puking, crying, refusing to eat, she was feverish constantly...she had so many meetings with death yet somehow always survived them, it felt like torture watching her grow.
And then there was the matter of her unusual body, specifically her legs.
I was told she was still growing, that she would change when she grows enough, but they did not tell me whether the change was going to be good or even more worse.
And then it came the age where Safa should walk, but she never did...i was told then she probably never will.
My poor daughter could not even stand.
And when it was time for her to speak, Safa was late than most children, I was terrified...why is she not speaking yet?
I was so worried that I became ecstatic when she finally spoke her first words, i threw a party and fed the poor for a week!"
Clara paused asking, "Does Safa know about this book?" then continued reading.
"Safa was a lovely bright soul, despite all the pain she was in, she smiled purely whenever our faces met.
She would laugh and giggle at Bernardino and her father, she was just happy.
But with time I started to hate how happy she was, she did not realize it yet.
My little girl is going to be bound in a wheelchair for the rest of her life, and she has no idea what that meant.
she might not experience love such as I did with her father, Safa may never get to do simple things like running and dancing...that realization Alone made me lose the will to live to see the day where all girls grow and lead their own lives, have their own families...
while my own daughter is like a fancy bird, caged on a chair in her parents home for the rest of her life.
So I suppose it is a blessing after all that God struck me with this illness, I will die before witnessing my daughter finally understand, that her life is a mistake..."
With her tears pouring from her eyes, Clara closed the book before she could even finish reading.
No so fun facts:
In the 1800s, people with disabilities were considered meager, tragic, pitiful individuals unfit and unable to contribute to society, except to serve as ridiculed objects of entertainment in circuses and exhibitions.
even worse, During the 1800s institutions opened that catered to people with disabilities. Most of these facilities focused on restraining and controlling patients, not on treatment or therapy. They housed people with cognitive, developmental, physical, and emotional disabilities, often for the entirety of the person's life.
(to everyone other with a disability, you are loved, you are worthy, you are more than enough)
.....
o tanjou bi omedetou , ore.
....
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