Chapter 60: Forgot?!
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I shake my head. "I had a good childhood, Hermione. Harry...he...part of the knowledge I inherited is what happened to him. You might understand that he doesn't like his relatives, but...well, it's his story to tell if he wants. Suffice it to say you're the only reason he knows what love is at all."
Hermione laughs sadly. "No, you're the one who told him, if I recall correctly."
"But you showed him."
She smiles. "So we're both responsible, then." She cocks her head at me. "You've been...pushing us together, me and Harry, haven't you?"
I look away shamefully. "I'm sorry. He needs someone like you, even if he doesn't realize how perfect you are. And he compliments you perfectly. His power and your wisdom. His instinct and your intellect. His ferocity and your gentleness. And you're both unfathomably brave, kind, generous, strong of will, strong of heart..." I chuckle ruefully. "I have to admit that I'm jealous of him for that."
"You're all those things, too, you know."
"I'm not, as you'll find out." I let my reminder hang in the air for a moment. "But it doesn't matter either way, because I don't belong here. I'm not going to lie and say I'm not tempted, but...Hermione, I've already had a first love. And I've...I'm not a...well, I loved her in every sense of the word, and I know the pain when that love is gone. I know you're mature in many ways, but...I know, that might not be reason enough to push you away, but it is enough that I don't know if I'm going to just up and disappear tomorrow. And after the way I've deceived you – and the way I still have to keep things from you – I can't...I just can't do that to you."
"You mean you..." She pales as she realizes what I'm saying, then she hugs her arms around herself. "So when you hug and kiss me..."
"...it feels incredibly good and incredibly painful, and I don't want to stop," I finished. "I'm sorry. I can...I won't do it anymore if you don't want to."
Her tears are flowing freely now. "It's going to be the same for me now, you know? Every time, I'm going to be reminded of what might have been, if circumstances were different. But I don't want you to stop either."
I sigh heavily and let my head drop. After a deep breath and running my fingers through my hair I look back up at her. "I'm sorry, I shouldn't have told you that. I don't...I didn't want to make you feel like I do."
"I'm not sorry for meeting you, William, even if this is the price."
I chuckle grimly. "Just a couple of masochists, aren't we? You realize it would hurt less in the long run if we stopped being friends right now."
She lays her head on my chest, bushy hair splayed all over, and squeezes harder. "I don't care."
I squeeze back. "Me neither."
We hold each other for several minutes, the crackling of the fire the only sound in the cavernous Gryffindor common room. "Harry should be back soon," she says into the silence, but she's not letting go.
I glance up at the clock, wiping my face in the process. "Hopefully. It's almost time."
"Are you...going to tell him everything you told me?"
I ponder that for a moment, but I don't see why not...except for the fact that I have to remember exactly what secrets I gave away. "Yeah. Except maybe the part about how I care for you a bit more than I should, and about me playing matchmaker. He might hex me."
"I doubt he would."
I shake my head. "I don't want him to think I'm trying to manipulate him. He has enough of that as it is, and I'm sure it'll only get worse. I rationalize it to myself as just a friend trying to set up another friend, but I still feel bad about it. I hope I haven't ruined anything between you."
She regards me silently for several moments. "You haven't. I admit I was...starting to think of you as more than a best friend, but I think maybe that was because I could somehow tell you felt the same way about me. I don't think Harry sees me that way." She blushes when she admits that, and I'm sure I am just as red.
"Maybe not yet, but there's no way he can miss how perfect you are for—"
"I haven't," Harry's voice says from behind us, startling both of us.
"Harry!" Hermione squeaks, jumping away from me. "When did you—" she trails off, and I turn to see tears trailing down his cheeks as well.
"Long enough." He walks around to the chair Hermione had vacated and flops bonelessly down into it. "Too long. You're both forgetting two things: the prophecy and..." He taps his scar.
The blood instantly drains from Hermione's face. "No..."
He takes a deep breath. "I was...I was so happy you seemed to get along so well with William, because it meant you could be happy no matter what...no matter what happens to me." His voice cracks a couple times when he speaks, making his confession even more painful.
"Harry..."
"I've never forgotten the first time you hugged me, Hermione. I never will. That was the first hug I ever remember getting. I didn't know what it was until William told me, but I know now that I've loved you in some way since that moment. Even if I didn't know the details behind why Voldemort was trying to kill me, I knew enough to know that you wouldn't have a chance at happiness with me with all this hanging over my head." Harry chuckles grimly.
"I was desperate enough to make you happy that I even tried to get you to like Ron." Then his face falls and his eyes go glossy with more tears. "I could have sworn that William was the one," he says quietly.
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