บท 155: Call Me Pandora
"All I want is you beside me. All you want to do is hide me. Babe, if I'm so good for you, why do you sneak?!"
The capacity crowd roared. After two months without being performed, the mysterious second original Dapper Dragons song had faded into almost an urban legend among the regulars, as if it had been a drunken collective fever dream of a handful of people. It seemed they couldn't fathom why Ranko hadn't wanted to sing that song again, because it was an instant hit. They didn't feel every note hollowing out her heart again like it was an ice-cream scoop.
Ranko had been worried that the song wouldn't be as well received this time due to the changes in its performance. Firstly, she'd removed the ad-libbed final line. It was too personal now, even if both girls were over what had happened, and at least one of them was definitely not. She'd also toned down the choreography significantly, removing a good bit of the weaponized lust she'd injected into her onstage movements in the first performance. Between no longer feeling the need to slap Akane in the face with her sexuality, and the fact that Akane's father had all but called Ranko a stripper in her own home a few weeks back, Ranko just didn't have the heart for it. Admittedly, a part of her had hoped the changes would make the song so unpopular as to not be worth putting on an album, but that was clearly not to be.
It didn't seem that anyone minded. There were two hundred and seventeen people in the barroom that night. Two hundred and eight were cheering on their feet, a few were working behind the bar, and a few were in the bathrooms. Ranko only really cared about one. She turned her head to the VIP table off to stage left, to find Akane standing, and smiling, and clapping. Ranko smiled broadly at her. Permission granted, it seems. That was secondary, though – Ranko's biggest concern was just that she hadn't hurt the woman she loved. Again.
Ranko still felt terrible about it. She had all day, so much so that she hadn't really been able to concentrate much at school. Of course, for the Thursday before one's birthday, that was almost par for the course, but Ranko had been distracted with something else.
As Ken, Shinji, Jake and Crash began descending the steps to exit the stage, Ranko remained alone. Ariel trained the spotlight on her – whatever she was doing, clearly it was intentional.
Everything that had gone wrong for them, for months, Ranko had long ago accepted was her fault. The tension between Akane and the band, the volleyball team, Akane's father, all of it, was because she'd sung that gods-damned song. She'd spent hours sharpening every word to inflict maximum damage, and now, despite receiving Akane's blessing, Ranko would give anything to be able to just put the genie back in the bottle.
The conversation with Akane last night had brought all of the regret, all of the pain, and all of the disappointment in herself back to the surface. Made it raw again. Made it real again. It wasn't a background ache anymore, it was throbbing in her temples like a demon banging on the door of her skull trying to get out.
That sensation, at least, Ranko knew a way to deal with. She had done it once before, to catastrophic effect. She could do it again, to try to heal things.
If I can't stop the world from hearing how angry I was at her, then I am going to make damn sure they also hear how wrong I was. How sorry I am. I can't let those things go unchallenged, even if I'm the idiot who said them in the first place.
Tomorrow, her record label would not get the original song they demanded.
They would get two.
Ranko pulled up a round stool without a back to the center of the stage, looking out over the bar patrons. No music came from the speakers or from musicians behind her.
She took off her headset microphone, opting instead for an old dynamic handheld. Just then, she didn't want to be a pop star. She wanted to be a girl in love. A girl who was so, so very sorry.
"Um, hey, everybody," she said nervously into the microphone.
The assemblage of customers looked up at the stage, a curiosity more than an excitement on their collective countenance. They'd already been gobsmacked with the surprise performance of the legendary second song, but what was this?
"So, um, I know this is weird, but… I have something I need to say. Something I should have said a long time ago to someone I love very much. I know there's no instruments or nothin', but… I'm sorry, I just really need this, so bear with me a minute?"
Akane set down the slice of pizza she was about to bite into, looking up at the stage from the VIP table at stage left. What is she up to?
The room fell silent. It sounded just like it had a year ago to the day, when Mei first handed Ranko a microphone and changed her life forever. The crowd did not know what to make of the sullen, sorrowful girl that was normally the vibrance of the stage, who had just moments ago brought the room to its feet with her rendition of Sneak.
Ranko smoothed the green denim skirt she wore and sat on the stool, crossing her ankles. She reached into the pocket of her skirt, pulling out a folded piece of notebook paper she'd torn from her English notebook this afternoon, covered front and packed with her handwriting. She held it in her hand without reading it, as if it were only there if she needed to check her notes. From her seat, Akane could see the paper shaking in her hand.
She swallowed hard, looking up with regretful eyes off to her left. And in the silence, she began to sing, keeping time by tapping her foot on the hollow stage platform.
"Call me Pandora tonight. Can't seem to do anything right. I played with fire, and you're the one who's getting burned. What I'd give to just go back to one heartbeat before I cracked, and tell the stupid girl I was the things I've learned. But no, I broke off all the locks and I ripped open that damned box, and I said awful things that just can't be unsaid. Now you're hurting constantly, and I know it's because of me. I only wish that I was suffering instead."
Akane blinked, biting her lip. Oh, my gods, baby… no… you don't have to… Ranko…
"I was pretty close to biting off my tongue to keep from fighting. Didn't wanna say the things inside my head. I kept it all locked up inside until my heart had damn near died, and wasn't sure it didn't wish that it was dead. I took all those angry thoughts and stuffed them down inside that box, and they got nastier each second they were hid. I did my best at playing tough, but in the end, I had enough and let all hell break loose when I took off the lid."
Without music to occupy the time, Ranko saw no need to wait between verses, diving directly into the second without hesitation. She slid off the stool, putting her notes on it instead. Despite there being no musical accompaniment, the simple, almost jaunty coffeehouse tune was easy to pick up. By the time Ranko reached the second verse, which carried the same core rhythm as the chorus, the crowd was clapping along. There was a certain rawness and austerity to it, in stark contrast with the bombastic song she'd just performed – the one that had caused all this trouble in the first place. The genie she let out of the bottle and could not control. The hurt she'd unwittingly unleashed, like the Greek legend of old.
"With my heartbeat racing faster, I ran straight into disaster trying to find a way to tell you how I feel. I let out what was contained, and nothing since has been the same. I hurt us both in ways I'm not sure I can heal. When we had everything at stake, I went and made a huge mistake. I was mad and only thinking of myself. We could just have kept on livin'. If I'd known, what I'd have given to have left that fucking box there on the shelf."
Wiping the corner of her eye, Ranko looked down at her feet. I'm so sorry, Akane. I'd give anything to take it all back.
"So, call me Pandora tonight. Can't seem to do a damned thing right. I played with fire, and you just keep on getting burned. What I'd give to just go back to one heartbeat before I cracked, and make the broken girl I was see what I've learned. Instead, I melted all the locks and I smashed open that damned box, and I said awful things I wish I didn't say. And now you're hurting constantly. I damn near ruined you and me. I don't know how, but you still loved me anyway."
Akane folded her hands, resting her elbows on the table and her mouth against her clasped fingers. She had to hide her face. Somehow, the pressure on her skin reminded her to keep her composure and sit still, because every cell in her body wanted to run up those three stairs onto the stage and hug that girl for dear life in the middle of her chorus.
"If I only knew someone who could undo the things I've done, who could erase the things I said to you in spite, I'd have them open up my heart – it's way too late, but it's a start – and fill it up with words to help me make it right. And I'd reseal all of those locks and throw away that stupid box, bury it deep beneath this mountain of regret. Just maybe one day I'll forgive myself and somehow learn to live with it, but I can't really say it's happened yet."
From behind the service bar, Mei swayed with the undulating rhythm of her sister's apology, clapping her hands gently. She finally understood exactly how difficult it had been for Ranko the other night, fighting back against the pressure to sing Sneak again, and a part of Mei wanted to throttle her boyfriend for pushing her to face it when she wasn't ready.
"I should have known that I was wrong, not sang one word of that damned song, but I was desperate, scared, and blinded by my rage. All I did was take one look. I can't believe that's all it took to let the things I feared the most out of their cage. Wish I could say it's not my fault, but when I opened up that vault trying to make you understand and help me cope, I let the monsters in my head get out and threaten you instead. I swear that all that I was searching for was hope."
Hope. According to the myths she'd learned in her aborted homeschool humanities class, the one thing that remained in the box after Pandora closed it. The one thing she and Akane still had after she'd ruined everything else. Her voice quavered as she sang the final line, taking a moment between the verses to breathe and swallow back her tears.
"So, call me Pandora tonight, praying things somehow turn out right. I played with fire, and now, we both are getting burned. What I'd give to just go back to one heartbeat before I cracked and show that stupid girl how quickly it all turned. Instead, I smashed open that box. I don't know why I couldn't talk. Why I just couldn't tell you what I had to say. And now, you're hurting constantly. I'm not sure why you're still with me, but I am grateful for it every single day."
Akane lowered her head, sniffling into her hands, her own tears dampening her fingertips. Oh, Ranko… I could never have… baby… did you really think I wanted to leave?
Picking up her notes and stealing a quick glance at them, Ranko leaned back toward the microphone for her final verse as she sat back down on her stool.
"I just couldn't keep it sealed, and once my feelings were revealed, all that they did was complicate and make things worse. I was so screwed up in the head, I didn't listen when they said I should have burned that page before I sang a verse. I know there's nothing I can say to make the things I did okay, enough I'm sorries in the world to make it good. Guess I can only hope you know that if I could, I'd make it so. If I could turn back time to fix it, babe, I would."
Akane had given her a second chance to be open with her feelings. She'd given Ranko her trust again, somehow. Akane needed to know how much she appreciated it, and how seriously she took the responsibility.
"So this is Pandora tonight, doing my best to put things right. I played with fire, and everything almost got burned. And I just keep on thinking back to one heartbeat before I cracked, and how much better I feel now with all I've learned. I think I finally can say it's time to throw that box away, and not keep everything I feel locked up inside. I just hope we can start again, and if we're lucky, maybe then, one day we'll say tonight's the night Pandora died."
Leaning on the side wall three meters behind Akane's table, Shinji turned to his bandmate and best friend. "So, I'll get the beers, you get the notebook? Sounds like we've got some more arranging to do." He grinned, punching Crash's shoulder playfully.
Crash didn't turn in response. His eyes hadn't left the stage since the moment his feet did. That poor kid. Gods, what we put her through.
Akane stood, and ran to the steps of the stage as quickly as her feet would carry her.
Ranko's thumb switched off the microphone and she let her left arm fall into her lap holding it. She doubled over on the stool, burying her face in her right hand, shaking as she bawled on the stage to the stunned silence of the crowd. Even without the microphone, Akane could hear a few intelligible words breaking through her sobs from the side of the stage.
"Baby, I'm so sorry…"
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