บท 154: Sneaking Around
Ranko sighed, her head in her hands. She'd been trying to confine her attempts at writing a new song to the Phoenix, as Akane didn't know she'd been given a deadline. That had been deliberate on Ranko's part. She was worried that just telling Akane would be enough to upset her, given that the only other song they had in their back pocket was the one she'd sworn never to perform again. But now, she was out of time, and she sat on the edge of her bed, staring at the blank notebook that had been the bane of her existence all week.
With a heavy sigh, she laid down on the bed, curling up around the giant pink teddy bear who had been sharing the bed with Ranko and Akane of late. After she'd performed Sneak, the night she almost lost Akane, she'd decided to go ahead and bring him home. She was embarrassed as hell to admit that she missed him, and Akane had teased her to no end about it, but she was going through a lot, and sometimes she just needed a hug when none from a human was available. I am turning into such a fucking girl, she thought with both an eye roll, and a smile.
The dryer buzzed from the bathroom and Ranko stood, opening it carefully and jumping back. It was too hot in there to reach in for the towels just yet, but leaving it open allowed her to stand a half-meter or so away and bask in the ambient warmth. They hadn't been running the heat as high as they might have liked to in order to save a little money on the electric bill, and Ranko didn't have the heart to remind Akane that an extra degree or two of heat made a lot more difference to her than Akane might expect.
Padding out to the kitchen, she checked on the slow cooker, enjoying its radiant heat for a moment as well as she stirred the teriyaki chicken that was marinating within. She opened the refrigerator and pulled out a plastic jug from which she poured herself some orange juice in a tall, pink plastic cup, snapping the lid on it and carrying it back to the bedroom after returning the jug to its place. She sat cross-legged on the bed, resting her drink on the tray table that served as her nightstand and pulling the bear into her lap.
As she did, she heard the heavy clack of the deadbolt turning at the front door and a slight whoosh of chillier air from the corridor outside as Akane returned home from class. "Hey, Akane, I'm in here," Ranko called from the bed, and she smiled up at the bedroom door as her lover entered the room.
"You know," Akane said with a smirk, "I'm starting to get jealous of that little guy. He spends more time in bed with you than I do these days."
Ranko blushed, rolling her eyes. "You wouldn't try anything, would you, Ziggy?" She moved the bear over to Akane's side of the bed, standing and rounding the mattress to hug her girlfriend. It had taken months, but Akane had pestered her until she'd finally given the bear a name. Stuffies need names, she'd said. It's your sacred duty as a girl to name your stuffies, and it's not negotiable. Ranko decided to name him something a little more on the androgynous side, and David Bowie's stage name had provided just the thing.
Akane giggled as she wrapped her arms around Ranko. "He'd better not, or he's sleeping on the couch from now on. You're mine, silly girl, and don't you forget it."
Ranko sighed, relaxing into her lover's arms. "I wouldn't dream of it, Akane. I love you so much."
"I love you too, Ran-chan." Freeing herself from the embrace, Akane looked her girlfriend over. Some two hours after she would have gotten home from school, she was still in her uniform. Normally, she only forgot to change when she had too much on her mind and hadn't gotten around to it. Plus, she had to be cold in it.
"Love, is everything okay? You've seemed kind of stressed lately." Akane played with a strand of her lover's flame-red hair. She loved the way Ranko blushed when she fussed over her. She was really, really cute when she blushed.
Ranko nodded. "I'll be fine, Akane. I just… got a lot on my mind right now."
Akane scooted Ziggy over to Ranko's side of the bed, sitting where the bear had been with her legs outstretched and her back against the headboard. "Come here."
Ranko walked closer, and Akane scooped her up and pulled her onto the bed, sitting the redhead across her lap so she could wrap her arms around her. "Talk to me, beautiful. What's going on? How can I help?"
Akane had been trying to make a habit lately of encouraging her to talk about what was on her mind. She'd made the mistake of waiting for Ranko to come forward with her feelings on her own when they first moved in together, and that hadn't worked out especially well for anyone. She'd even gone to Hana about it, and Ranko's mother had suggested that Akane proactively try and coax her to talk as often as she could. Even on the days where Ranko didn't have much to say, Akane hoped it would at least get her into the habit and reinforce to her that she was always welcome to speak up about how she felt or if she needed help. Plus, Hana had said, when Ranko was made to say there was nothing wrong, it gave the people who cared about her an opportunity to catch her lying.
Flushed, Ranko just stammered for a minute. "H… hey!" Akane knew how to disarm her, for sure, but some of the ways they cuddled sometimes made her feel, as ridiculous as it seemed to her, like she was the girl in the relationship. She supposed they both were, but Akane sure seemed to make a point of giving her every opportunity to feel feminine, cute, and dare she say, sexy.
"I'm not letting you go until you tell me what's going on, baby. And if that takes all night, hey, there are worse problems than being stuck in bed with a cutie like you on my lap." Akane squeezed her tight.
"I just…" Ranko sighed, leaning over and resting her cheek on Akane's shoulder. "I'm trying to write a new song. The Yokai people are pushing hard for one, and I'm just drawing a blank. Nothing's coming to me, and I'm running out of time before the deadline they gave me."
Akane nodded, kissing the top of Ranko's head. "What about Crash and the guys? Do they have any ideas?"
Ranko sighed heavily. "They have one idea, but I've already told them no way."
"Sneak, huh?" Akane squeezed her tighter. She knew the way her girlfriend reacted whenever she thought of that song and what the feelings behind it had nearly done to their relationship. Ranko didn't talk about it much, but the guilt was written all over her face.
Ranko nodded. "Yeah. But don't worry, I told them there was no chance. I gave you my word I'd never sing it again."
Akane sighed, idly running her fingers over Ranko's neck. It wasn't enough to paralyze her, but she could feel the slighter girl relaxing in her arms as she traced a little figure eight on the back of Ranko's shoulder blades. "You know, I appreciate that you've kept your word. But do you ever think back to that night? You promised you'd never sing it again, but you never actually asked me what I thought about it."
Ranko sat forward, sighing heavily. When it came to talking about that song, and everything it had done to them both, she didn't feel like she deserved Akane's gentle touch. She thought back to that night every day. A part of her almost wished that Akane would just hit her like she used to and make her feel like the air was clear, rather than continuing to remain in this state of constant guilt and regret. "I didn't have to. I knew how much it hurt you that night, I know how much it's hurt you since, and I'll never forgive myself for it."
Akane nodded. "I understand where you're coming from, baby. I do. It's just a shame. It's a damn good song."
Ranko blinked, turning her head to look into Akane's eyes with a shocked countenance. "You… you liked it? I mean… how?!"
Closing her eyes with a sigh, Akane squeezed her beloved again, resting her forehead on Ranko's shoulder. "Ranko, I… how do I say this? Sure, it hurt. But not for the reason you think. It didn't hurt because you shouldn't have said what you said. It hurt because you were right."
"Huh?" Ranko turned to her with a puzzled expression.
Akane nodded. "It hurt like hell to hear you say those things, Ranko. I'm not going to sit here and say it didn't. But the reason it hurt so much isn't because you said them. It was because I made you feel them with the way I treated you. I hurt you so much, for so long, and I didn't even notice how it was building up in you, and eventually all those feelings had to go somewhere."
"So, let me get this straight," Ranko said, watching Akane's eyes for signs of self-sacrificing deception. "You're saying you want me to perform Sneak again? You want me to put it on the album?"
With a sigh, Akane leaned forward until her forehead and Ranko's touched. "I'm not saying I want you to. But I do think you should."
"But…" Ranko pulled her head back to look at her, her eyes almost pleading with her to change her mind. "If I do… I'll have to sing it again. A lot. Like we do with Rise. I'll have to make a video. It'll be on the radio. You'll have to hear me hurt you like that all the time. You'll just be walking through the grocery store minding your own business, and then my voice will come out of nowhere and twist the knife in your back again. I don't think I could bear it."
Akane bounced her knee on the bed, jostling Ranko a little playfully on her lap to lighten the mood. "You wanna know what goes through my head when I think about that night? The song, the fight we had, all of it?"
Ranko bit her lip, looking down at her hands. "That you're dating an awful person who hurt your feelings in front of 200 people and screwed up your whole life?"
Shaking her head, Akane rested her finger across Ranko's lips. "I don't think that at all, silly girl. And neither should you. Every time I think about that song, it reminds me that I have a job to do. It reminds me that I need to put your feelings first, just like you did for me. It reminds me that I need to take care of you, that I need to involve you in the decisions I make, and that if I don't, I might have to watch you suffer like that again. Every time I think about that night, it reminds me to be better. Every time I hear that song on the radio, I'll remember that I have to try harder. For you. So, if it gets popular… I'm okay with that. Maybe don't tell people in the album notes that you wrote it about me, but…" Akane managed a little chuckle.
Ranko reached out, cupping Akane's cheek in her hand. "Akane, please. I need you to be absolutely sure about this. I already let this genie out of its bottle once – if I do this, there's no going back if you change your mind."
"I'll make you a deal," Akane said with a smile. "I'll come with you to work tomorrow night. Sing it then, and if I can't deal with it, you'll know before you make the final decision."
Ranko nodded slowly. "Okay. If you're sure. I'll have to let the guys know so they can practice it; they haven't played it in months."
She was utterly floored. Akane had solved her problem in seconds, just like Mei had said she would. But to hear that she wanted more of the song she'd turned into a blunt-force weapon? To hear how completely Akane was willing to forgive her for that betrayal? To give Pandora her blessing to reopen the box that had unleashed such havoc on their lives?
Somehow, it only made Ranko feel worse.
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