บท 172: Finally Said It
"Hey!" I said.
"Yeah, sugar!" Jasper perked up like he was some kind of puppy. How the fuck am I going to bring up the topic of kids with him? What the actual fuck do I say to him when he's looking me in the eye and so hopeful about our future together.
"Nothing," I turned my attention back to the TV. Jasper did the same and didn't press for more information. Fuck, why am I so scared of asking about it? He wouldn't walk away from me because of this so there was no reason for hesitation. "Well..."
"Yeah?"
Fuck! I can't do it! This is a big fucking step! "I forgot." I said. Jasper turned back to the TV again as I sat mentally spiraling out of control. We have not been together long and though we live together and are married, it was still pretty early to have a kid. I've seen people struggle with having a child in their early twenties. I know people are just lying to me that it's all amazing and worth it because they feel ashamed to say it's not actually all that great. Well I'm not that graceful and I'll definitely fuck up more than once.
"Jasper," I sighed.
"What's up?"
Fuck! Spit it out. "I don't know."
"Are you okay?" He asked.
"Yeah," I said. Really I was only scared for myself as I don't think I'd make a good father. I have a wonderful fulfilling life—I have free time, I go out, go to events, work out—and I know if I become a parent I will need to put my kids first and make them the priority. I have this underlying fear that I am going to become miserable having to put my life on the back burner. I realize that is selfish, but I've never even wanted a pet for this exact reason.
I've seen it happen to many people who, after having children, are just exhausted and have no time for the hobbies they once loved. They go on like mindless drone who can only think about their kids and neglect all their friendships. They need to coordinate child care, they are more cautious with their money, etc. They even smell like diapers all the time and had no clean clothes. I know they get so much fulfillment from their kids, but I'm very scared of making a change from a life I love every single day to one where I'm unhappy.
Not to mention, if I raise the kid wrong he'll drain everything I have ever worked for and my resources. All of his mistakes will reflect badly on me and I don't know if I could handle that. If the kid's an idiot, I would've wasted precious time!
I don't think I could be like Mr. and Mrs. Azure with Elizabeth. Their love was unconditional, it seems. No matter if she embarrassed them or not, no matter how publicly, they'd always love her. I have seen how fathers should act in movies and TV shows, but I have no idea what to do in real life because I've never experienced it.
All I ever wanted was to forget my childhood. Act like it never happened. Now Im caught in a position I never expected to be in. And my childhood, the very ghost I wanted to forget, is now back to haunt me. I don't want to leave, and I won't. But I worry if my presence in that kids life will be worse than my absence. People always told me that I was a bad kid, though I'm still not sure how. I don't want to screw up my future kid. I don't want them to grow into the rejected, shitty, jaded teen I was because of me. I don't want them to feel the same pain I felt.
I can't help but think about all the things that could go wrong for my child. The worst being the family breaking even though there is no chance this will happen.
Am I thinking about this too hard? Do I just go with the flow like I usually do and do what is expected of me now?
"Jasper," I tried again.
"Something on your mind, sugar?" Jasper asked, not turning from the TV.
Just ask him, Alex! The worst he can do is say no and he most likely won't! In fact, I'm pretty sure he'll jump for joy and want a child more than me. "H-how do you feel about the idea of being a father?"
Jasper turned his attention from the TV again with a growing blush. "You want kids with me? Really?! This isn't a joke?"
I don't know! "It's not what you think! Marissa and Mr. Wallace brought it up earlier... and it's good for business and investor relations."
"But the fact that you're talking to me about it means you've seriously considered it, right?" Jasper's eyes sparkled. He completely ignored my business explanation. "Oh, I was dreaming about this day. I didn't think it would happen so soon but you always surprise me."
"Isn't it too soon for us to have kids though?" I asked.
"Not at all! It's been about a year, I think it's time we had a few running around. We've been married for a while after all," Jasper said. "I've always imagined having at least two with you. Plus you're good with Sam's kids, so I mean, no worries. We've been through so much together, and I think we'd make great parents. Don't you?"
Why wasn't he freaked out? What if I get this kid and hate being a parent, or if I'm bad at it? I have a history of temper and personality issues, what if that makes me unable to care for this kid properly or do it wrong?! What if I regret the decision but can never take it back?
I took a deep breath, trying to process what he was saying. "Jasper, I... I don't know if we're ready for something like that. It's a huge responsibility."
"I know it's a big step," Jasper said, his tone calm and reassuring. "But think about it, Alex. We've managed everything else together. This could be the next amazing chapter in our lives."
I rubbed my temples, feeling the pressure building. "But what if we're not cut out for it? What if I'm not cut out for it?"
Jasper laughed softly, his smile unwavering. "You'd be an amazing dad, Sugar. You're smart, caring, and you always put others first. Children love good people. We'll figure it out together."
"But... what if I mess up? What if I can't handle it?" I continued, my voice shaking slightly. "I've barely managed to keep my head above water with everything going on already."
Jasper walked over and took my hand in his, his touch warm and reassuring. "We'll take it one step at a time. We won't rush into anything. But I can't help but imagine what it would be like. A little baby in our arms, teaching them to walk, their first words..."
His words painted a vivid picture, and despite my anxiety, I couldn't help but see the beauty in it. But the fear still lingered. "Jasper, it's not just about the cute moments. There are sleepless nights, diapers, constant worry... It's a lifelong commitment."
"I know, and I'm ready for that," Jasper said firmly. "I've thought about it a lot. I want to share all of those moments with you. The good and the challenging. Can you imagine our kid's first day of school? Watching them grow up, being there for them?"
My anxiety spiked, and I pulled my hand away, standing up to pace the room. "Jasper, I don't think you're understanding. This isn't just about what we want. There's so much more to consider. Our work, our lifestyle, their future, business... It's not that simple."
Jasper followed me, his expression softening but still full of enthusiasm. "I know it's not simple, Alex. But we've handled more complicated things before. This would be different, yes, but it's something we can do together. We'd have support, and we'd figure it out."
"I just... I don't know if I can do it," I admitted, my voice barely above a whisper. "I'm scared, Jasper. What if I'm not good enough? What if I fail?"
"You won't fail," Jasper said gently, wrapping his arms around me. "We won't fail. We'll learn as we go. No one's perfect at this, and that's okay. But the love we have will make all the difference."
I took a deep breath, trying to absorb his words. The thought of it still terrified me, but Jasper's excitement was infectious. "Maybe we could... think about it," I said cautiously. "But no rushing into anything."
"Of course," Jasper agreed, his smile widening. He took off his tee shirt and started to kiss my neck.
"What are you doing?" I asked.
"Setting the mood to make a baby with you," Jasper mumbled in my ear.
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