บท 8: Angel Boy
Kaworu was struggling with something.
For one of the first times in his life, he was completely and utterly baffled. Never before had he found himself at such a loss. Everything before now in his life had always seemed so simple - so understandable, and easy - and yet now, he felt as if his entire sense of reason had left him.
And it was all because of that boy. That boy who'd looked up at him with wide, wondering eyes as he played in his new school's auditorium.
He'd been open to, excited even by the idea of making friends and meeting new people when he moved to the city, and yet he'd almost been immediately met with more than he'd anticipated. The very moment he locked eyes with that boy, he'd felt something new and curious stir within himself. Those eyes... Those deep, blue eyes. He was certain he'd seen them before. It was so peculiar. For a rushing moment, he felt sure that he knew that boy. He was certain that he'd met him before someplace... but where?
Shinji... his name was Shinji.
At first, Kaworu didn't even realize how much that boy had impacted him. Sure, he'd been a little surprised by just how easily he took to him and how easily he made him smile, but he just figured a part of his fondness came from the simple fact that he'd been the first new person Kaworu met. He was sure he'd take to his other peers just the same.
...Although, he realized soon enough he hadn't been entirely correct in that assumption, and that burgeoning realization only grew as the days went by.
It'd been his very first day, soon after his meeting with that boy, Shinji Ikari, when he'd heard someone calling his name during lunchtime.
"Yo, Nagisa! C'mere!"
He'd looked up from his spot on the hard ground to see Shinji sitting on a bench beside two boys from their class. The tough looking one to Shinji's left had said it. He was waving him over.
He stood and came forward with a curious expression on his face. The third boy, whose glasses glinted in the light, had moved over, allowing Kaworu space to sit.
The tough looking boy rested his arm on his shoulder. "Ikari over here's just been sayin' ya guys already met. An' any guy who's chill with him is chill with us!"
He noticed Shinji rolling his eyes, wearing an amused smile from over the boy's shoulder as he reached out an almond-skinned hand. Kaworu smiled and took it, surprised by the strength of his grip as he grinned back and said, "The name's Suzuhara, but these dorks jus' call me Toji."
"Well then, I'm happy to meet you, Toji-kun, uh, and you..." he turned his gaze on the other boy.
He looked up from the camera he'd been fiddling around with, taking a floppy disk out of his mouth to say, "Aida Kensuke. Say, Nagisa, you're not from here, are you?" He slid the disk into the camera with a click. "What made you come here? Family just move in or something?"
Kaworu watched him slide a little notch on the camera with interest as he hummed, "I suppose you could say that."
"Right on, man, well, welcome to the city," Toji said heartily, thumping him on the back.
Then, he retracted an arm and turned to Shinji, who was removing a container from a plastic bag. Toji made a noise of excitement.
"Hell yeah, man! Those the mochi you were talkin' 'bout yesterday?" Kaworu looked curiously down at the container as Shinji took off the lid, nodding.
"Yeah, I made a whole batch last night, but Asuka took most of them," he said, shaking his head. He picked up two of the cakes, passing them to his excited friends, but then he froze, meeting Kaworu's eye.
"Umm, I only made enough for three of us... here," he said, picking up the last cake and passing it to him. Kaworu stared down at it.
"Ah, wouldn't you prefer to eat this yourself? I don't mean to intrude."
Shinji shrugged passively. "I can have them whenever I want. I'm the one who made them."
Kaworu continued to look at the white, powdered cake uncertainly. Shinji clicked his tongue pointedly. "Come on, my hand's getting tired; do you want it or not?"
Kaworu took the cake in his fingers, observing how smooth the surface was as Shinji retracted his hand, dusting off the sugar from it.
Toji let out a long, gratified sound, having already shoved the entire thing in his mouth. "Shit, man! You gotta make more! I'd pay good money for mochi like that!"
Shinji snorted, putting the now empty container back in his bag. "So, you're gonna give me money for more tomorrow?"
Toji swallowed as he said, "Oh, c'mon, Ikari! Shouldn' I get a friends n' family discount or somethin'?"
Shinji sighed as Toji laughed, but then he looked past him to Kaworu. He was staring down at the cake. This was the first time anyone had ever shared anything with him.
"N-Nagisa-kun, you don't have to eat it if you don't want... if you don't like vanilla or something, that's-"
Kaworu looked back at him. "Oh, no, I'm sorry, Shinji-kun." He sank his teeth into the soft, sweet dough, taking his first bite. The smell of vanilla bean momentarily filled his nose, and he sighed, chewing the flavorful filling. He closed his eyes. It really tasted amazing. He'd always loved the scent of vanilla, and the texture of the slightly thick dough was warm and soft. It was incredible how the flavor could just cover his every tastebud.
He could feel his mouth watering as he opened his eyes to look back down at the thing. He could see Shinji eyeing him expectantly. For some reason, the sight made him smile, and he looked sideways, meeting his gaze with his own.
"Thank you very much, Shinji-kun. This tastes absolutely wonderful," he said, trying to pack all the warmth he felt towards him into the words.
Shinji blinked, then looked away, and Kaworu noticed his cheeks turning red. He felt something slight in his stomach leap.
"I-It's no big deal... but, yeah, sure, I'm glad you like it..."
Kaworu watched his face for a few more moments after he'd finished talking, simply observing the way that redness seemed to turn deeper the longer he looked. He smiled wider still.
Then he pulled his attention away at the sound of a click from beside him. He turned to Kensuke, watching him slip his hand into the strap around the camera, looking through the viewfinder, seemingly testing it.
Kensuke glances sideways at him. "Ya like it, Nagisa?" He pulled the camera away from his face to run a finger lovingly over its edge. "Yeah, my dad just bought me this baby a week ago. You wouldn't believe the resolution on this thing; it's like those crazy space telescopes!"
He excitedly adjusted a few of the camera's shining knobs. "Here!" He held the camera with an outstretched arm, angling it so that they were all in frame.
Toji grinned broadly and threw his arms over Kaworu's and Shinji's shoulders. "C'mon, Ikari! Get in here!"
The camera went off with a shuttering click as Kaworu smiled up into it. Kensuke pulled it back down to look at the picture he'd just taken, and Kaworu found himself with the sudden realization that he'd never been in a picture with other people before.
Toji leaned a little closer, looking past Kaworu to the camera's viewfinder.
"Heh, you always make that same face in pictures, Ikari. Looks like someone's tellin' you to smile at gunpoint!" he laughed.
Shinji threw him a displeased expression as he said, "That's not true! Come on, quite laughing, Toji!"
Kensuke laughed too then, before saying, "I'll develop it before school ends. You'll be able to see what I mean about that resolution, Nagisa!"
Kaworu nodded appreciatively, smiling at the way he could still hear Toji and Shinji arguing beside him.
It was so strange, Kaworu thought - walking home a few hours later after school had ended - to feel included among peers. The whole day, he'd gotten to interact with so many people, and not a single one of them seemed to dislike him for how he looked or acted. He'd found it difficult to stop smiling. He swore his mouth had never been upturned for that long before, but he found that he quite liked that change. Having a reason to smile felt so good.
He hummed tunelessly as he came upon his apartment, excited to finally take a look at the photograph Kensuke had handed to him just before the end of the day.
He glanced around the empty, grey room for a moment, offhandedly noting that it might be a good idea to decorate or something, before he slipped the photo from his bag and flopped down on his bed, resting a hand behind his head as he observed it.
He ran a finger gently over the smooth gloss of it, looking at everyone. His eyes slid last over Shinji, and he felt his smile grow wider involuntarily.
He was still blushing a little, and he was wearing a slightly awkward smile as he looked into the camera, shooting up a peace sign. Kaworu felt that little leap in his stomach again, and he blinked. What in the world was that?
He slowly pulled his hand from behind his head to rest over his heart as he continued to look at the photo. There was something strange going on inside of his chest the longer he looked at Shinji. He couldn't really understand. He'd never experienced that feeling before.
He wondered momentarily if that was just the way you felt when you thought about your friends... but, looking away from Shinji to Toji and Kensuke in turn, that strange feeling seemed to dissipate. He'd liked them both very much, but for some reason, he didn't feel exactly the same as he did when he looked back at Shinji. Why was that?
He found himself continuously pondering that exact question as days went on and he got settled into school.
It'd already been a week, and he'd adapted to the new environment surprisingly easily. He'd made a number of friends and a lot of people at school seemed to recognize him in the hallway, waving or greeting him. He wasn't so sure if it was just his imagination, but he quite thought girls especially went out of their way to talk to him. Although, he didn't really mind. He was almost shocked to find how much he enjoyed the company of other people. He had anticipated liking interaction, but he'd never have guessed he'd enjoy it this much, and on top of that, he'd never have guessed that he'd become so popular among his new peers, considering the nobody he used to be.
Aside from his pleasure at developing into a social butterfly, though, there was something about his school life which made him feel slightly somber. Before he'd left for Tokyo, his foster parents had told him a certain snippet of information which related to his real family. Apparently, they'd heard that his real father had had another child, and that - last they'd been aware - she was living in Tokyo.
That'd been a strange moment, he reflected. At the time, he didn't really know how to react. He never cared much for thought about his family, since all that did was make him feel bitter, so the idea that he had some long, lost half-sister wasn't something he wanted to dwell on. He didn't want any of his past to follow him to his new home, and he hoped that by ignoring this new piece of information, he'd be able to leave it behind like he'd wanted in the first place... although, upon arriving to the city, that became slightly difficult.
He'd seen his half-sister that first day of school. He hadn't needed to ask if she was indeed the girl his foster parents had told him was named Rei Ayanami, because just from one glance, he could tell that it was her. Why else would she have looked like that?
He hadn't expected her to look so like him, and he found it slightly difficult to pull his eyes away when he first saw her. After all, no one in his life had ever shared his red gaze, especially not to such an uncanny degree. He even thought their hair looked the same texture despite their different styles.
He'd been surprised to find that the prospect of talking to her seemed so overwhelming. Strangely, he just couldn't find it in himself to start up a conversation with her. It was rather frustrating, if he was being honest, but the thought of both her and the nagging push he felt to speak to her merely haunted his subconscious. After all, there was an entirely different subject which was continuously at the forefront of his mind, leaving little room for much else.
For having never spared a thought for other people in the past, it hardly made any sense to him why just one single person could've taken such a hold over his mind. Sure, it was one thing to have fleeting, happy thoughts about friends... but this? Kaworu wasn't quite sure what to think.
All he really knew was that he couldn't stop thinking about Shinji Ikari.
In the beginning, it'd started out relatively small - simply recalling things he'd said that day or else pondering that weird sensation he made him feel. However, those thoughts seemed to become more frequent.
He'd realized this first when he spent his time at home after his second school day laying in his bed, head in his hands, thinking solely about that strange nostalgic atmosphere that seemed to surround Shinji. He'd sat there for nearly an hour, straining himself to explain why he felt so familiar. And after a good while, he'd finally understood... partly, at least.
He'd seen him in his dreams before. Kaworu could recall disjointed bits and pieces from dreams in the past that he never really gave much thought to before. A reoccurring, brown-haired boy always seemed to be there, and Kaworu knew who that was now.
He remembered being surrounded by an orangey glow and glittering water. He'd been sitting on something hard, raised above the ground. That's when he'd looked around to see Shinji, staring curiously. He was blushing.
Or else, he could recall certain sensations. The sound of Shinji's voice murmuring words he couldn't properly remember to his left, in a dark room. The feeling of being submerged in warm water. The strange, gnawing weight of guilt and something like a deep, longing sadness.
Then there were other things he could barely remember no matter how hard he tried, yet that he just knew were related to Shinji in some way. Being surrounded by a warm, light breeze, feeling something soft, small, but limp in his hands. Getting the wind knocked out of him as he was pushed up against a wall, a hand gripping his shirt. Trailing his fingers over something cold, uncomfortable, and hard around his neck.
He couldn't understand those things, and it was frustrating, yet he was satisfied to know now why Shinji felt so familiar. He'd appeared in his dreams for years.
Possibly, this newfound remembrance is what really kickstarted his interest in the boy. He had the strangest sensation - and he almost felt silly saying it even in his own mind - that these prophetic dreams were setting up for his eventual meeting with Shinji, like he was actually born to meet him. However, all that he was certain of was that he couldn't keep him off his mind.
Every little thing about him, even down to his name. 'Shinji...' it was a pleasant sound. Not too many syllables, not hard to pronounce, lacking any hard consonants - it simply rolled off the tongue. It was difficult not to say with a positive inflection, Kaworu realized with a smile, whispering it to himself in his room. "Shinji..."
Kaworu often found himself staring at the back of his head in class, tuning out Misato's voice. His hair was such a dark brown it looked black in dim lighting, although in the sun, it would shine in just the most interesting way - the dark strands flecked with honey-colored spots. He'd smile to himself slightly. Even from behind, he could see the way the left side of his hair stuck up a little in the front, fluffier than the other side, likely, Kaworu thought, because that was the one he slept on. The fleeting image of Shinji trying to brush down the fluff in the morning with a look of concentrated frustration on his face made his smile grow even more.
'How cute...' he thought.
Shinji's skin was sun-kissed and soft-looking. Kaworu thought it was such a pretty shade, and sometimes, whenever they were close enough, he'd idly observe their difference in tone. He liked taking in the little, unique details of his body too; he almost felt like memorizing the position of every scar, freckle, bruise, and imperfection upon it - it was so different from his own skin, always so flawless, and he really thought it was beautiful.
Whenever he got embarrassed or particularly pleased, his cheeks would dapple in just the cutest way. He had such a kind looking face too, especially with those rounded, blue eyes of his. Kaworu quite thought that he could melt into them sometimes.
Then, of course, he had such a beautiful, sweet smile - one that lit up his whole face and made his features all the more precious.
So, it really was too bad he could never seem to spare that look for Kaworu.
Ever since their first meeting, Kaworu had wondered why he felt the way he did. He wondered why the thought of Shinji always made something in the region of his chest leap, and being the curious person he was, he'd wanted to explore that sensation more, thinking that he'd eventually understand it if he did.
However, that had proven difficult. He'd invited Shinji over to his apartment a few times, quite positive that spending time with him alone would procure some kind of deeper understanding of those strange feelings, but oddly - and very frustratingly - that alone time only seemed to make things more confused.
He was pretty sure that those feelings must mean he liked Shinji in some way or another. They were strange, but they felt good, so he felt safe in saying that Shinji was his friend, but he'd been beginning to think that label on their relationship wasn't mutual.
The thing was, he wasn't even sure if Shinji liked him at all. That'd been an unpleasant realization, but he couldn't really think of why else he would've yelled at him in class that one time, or why he always side-eyed him with a frown and shifted away when he came remotely close. And honestly, unless he really hated him, why had he shrieked like that when all Kaworu wanted to do was borrow some soap from him during his shower?
Observing the way people interacted with each other, he'd learned that sometimes people said rude things to their friends that they didn't really mean as jokes... but Kaworu thought there was just a bit too much sincerity in those scathing looks and passive insults Shinji directed at him for that to be the explanation for his behavior.
Just before Shinji left after his second visit to his place, Kaworu had hugged him, letting him know that he was welcome back whenever he liked. After all, how could Kaworu offer any less after those wonderful gifts he'd brought along? However, he'd thought after a while that that invitation had fallen on deaf ears, because Shinji had made no other visit to his house after that.
That's when he began to wonder if Shinji was just straight up avoiding him. He felt that pleasant something in his chest sink at that. He wanted Shinji around him more, but with how things were looking, he didn't think he'd ever get to spend more time with him again. Not in the way he'd like, at least.
It was late in the afternoon when he'd had that thought. He was lying in bed, pressing his face into his pillow. He huffed, wondering bitterly what he was supposed to have done to deserve this.
He'd tried his hardest to treat Shinji with friendliness and warmth, but all he ever did was respond with eye rolls and dirty looks. All he wanted was to make Shinji feel happy, and to feel that wonderful lightness in his own chest, but he only ever seemed to achieve the opposite. He frowned deeply into his pillow, deciding that Shinji really must be out of his reach.
That was, until he heard a faint knock at the door.
He blinked, pulling his face up to look over at it, before he got up and strolled over, opening it to find the one person he never expected to see back at his flat.
Shinji met his eyes for a second, before he cast his gaze down to his shoes, apparently unable to look at him. Kaworu stared. Shinji looked thoroughly put down, shoulders sagging, hand rubbing weakly at his arm, and face morose. His eyes looked puffy.
Kaworu tilted his head at him. "Shinji-kun...?"
Shinji closed his eyes for a moment, opening his mouth and letting out a long sigh before he looked back up forcibly at Kaworu.
"I... Could I stay with you for... for a while, Nagisa?"
Kaworu blinked, surprised, before offering a bewildered, "Uh... of course you may."
Opening the door farther, he watched Shinji slowly walk in, head hanging lower than it should've been.
He closed the door with a click, giving Shinji a long, searching look as he lowered himself to the floor, leaning up against Kaworu's recently vacated bed, arms wrapped around his knees.
"Umm, so... would you mind telling me why you're here? You look horrible."
Shinji didn't speak, but continued to look down at his legs.
Kaworu walked in front of him, leaning down. He waved a hand in front of his face. "Helloo? Someone's talking to you; are you going to ignore them?"
He dropped his hand with a frustrated sigh as Shinji continued to look down, and he stood back up. "Fine, do as you like," he muttered resignedly, moving to climb back on top of his bed, but then Shinji finally looked up.
"I just... I don't want to be home right now." Kaworu stared as he went on in a bitter voice, "Not like anyone cares if I'm there anyway..."
Kaworu stood for a moment, but then he slowly crouched down beside him. He stretched out a pale hand and rubbed his shoulder. Shinji twitched and half-glanced at him as he said, smiling, "Well then, stay here as long as you please."
Shinji stared at him. His face was set, yet Kaworu could see that familiar blush rising up his cheeks. After a beat, Shinji broke the eye contact, and shrugged Kaworu's hand off his shoulder, turning his head back down.
Kaworu continued to watch him for a moment, before he stood back up, sighing and returning to his bed.
As he rolled over, looking at the wall, Shinji murmured, "Thanks, Nagisa."
Kaworu felt himself smile.
The prospect of having Shinji over for presumably a few days was pleasant. He'd been excited to spend more time with him, and to possibly figure out what exactly Shinji felt for him, but after a day or two, he'd found himself disappointed.
Shinji seemed as stubbornly distant with him as ever, and even more so, Kaworu thought, considering the sullen reason for his stay. Shinji didn't say it, but Kaworu felt that he was pretty depressed. Not that he was bubbly and talkative usually, but still, he seemed quiet all the same.
Kaworu had still been unable to understand Shinji's attitude. On the one hand, he'd accepted his invitations to come over to his place, he shared any treats he made with him at school, he'd given him a console and a TV, and now, he was even having a prolonged sleep over with him. All of those things seemed to suggest friendship to Kaworu, but on the other hand, Shinji also yelled at him, threw him dirty looks, and pointedly avoided physical closeness with him. At this point, Kaworu thought, laying on his bed, he was getting pretty sick of the mixed signals. He'd admit he didn't fully understand social norms yet, but this at least had to have been aggravating to anyone, right?
He was propping himself up with his arms, casting his disinterested gaze upon the TV screen as Shinji played some game that'd previously belonged to him. He wondered wryly if Shinji only ever came here to play on the old thing, considering how he always gave it so much attention whenever he was over.
He sighed, then flicked his eyes over to Shinji's cross-legged figure. "You're very weird, Shinji-kun, you know that?"
Shinji didn't pause his action of playing, but he glanced up at Kaworu, brows furrowed. "Excuse me? I don't think you have the right to call anyone weird."
Kaworu frowned deeply. "What is it with you? You act uncomfortable and hostile in my presence, and yet you've come here to stay with me anyway."
Shinji didn't speak, but shifted slightly.
Kaworu went on, "If you hate me so much, why go out of your way to come here?"
Shinji didn't speak at first, but Kaworu could tell he'd been listening intently, because a game over screen flashed on the TV, and Shinji's hands stopped moving.
"I never said I hated you," Shinji muttered into the silence.
Kaworu watched him, noticing his grip on the controller loosening and tightening. "So," he replied, "does that mean we're friends?"
Shinji pursed his lips, apparently thinking, before he spoke again, "I... never said that either..."
Kaworu felt his chest sink slightly, and his shoulders dropped. Shinji went on, sounding tense, "Wh-Why should you care anyway? What are you asking me that for?"
Kaworu looked back at him, and Shinji was making actual eye contact for the first time during his stay. He replied honestly, "Because I like you. I'd like to be closer to you."
Shinji blinked; mouth opened. He hurriedly turned back to the TV then, face going red as he restarted the game. "Yeah, well... this is close enough..."
Kaworu sighed, but settled on the bed. Strangely, he found himself smiling. Whatever Shinji said, Kaworu was pleased to know that he didn't dislike him as much as he initially thought. Of course, his reaction could've been better... but even so, this wasn't such a bad distance, he decided, taking in the blush still creeping into his soft face. At least he could look at all of his features from here.
Shinji left a couple days after that, much to Kaworu's discontent. True, they really hadn't done all that much together, but he'd liked having him there all the same.
After the front door had clicked closed behind him, Kaworu turned back to his apartment with a sigh. It really seemed a lot smaller and duller without another person inside of it. Even though he planned on going right back to reading his magazine in bed like he'd been doing before Shinji left, he much preferred having someone nearby while he did it, especially a brown-haired, easily irritated someone.
Before he could climb back into bed, however, he spotted a bunch of fabric balled up on the floor. Picking it up and shaking it out, he realized that it was that yellow shirt Shinji always wore. He'd forgotten that the night previous, Shinji had taken a shower and complained about not having another shirt to change into, prompting Kaworu to offer him one of his own.
He made a note of telling Shinji he still had it the next day at school, balling it back up, when suddenly, he paused, looking down at the item.
He'd caught a faint, but unmistakable scent coming from it. He brought it closer to his face, and he felt that same something in his chest grow warm and excited. It smelled just like Shinji.
He lowered himself onto his bed, holding the shirt close to his face. The wonderful scent washed over him, and he felt as if his insides were melting. It'd never even occurred to him before that Shinji had his own distinct scent. He'd simply taken it for granted, but now, he recognized that he'd unconsciously associated that smell with Shinji. He couldn't exactly describe it; it was clean, oddly reminding him of summery weather - warmth and brightness.
He decided he didn't really care about describing it though, as he nuzzled further into it, making a gentle, involuntary noise of content. If only he could hold Shinji like this…
Kaworu blinked at that thought, that something in his chest jolting intensely at the mental image he'd just created. He reached up a hand to feel his face, and was thoroughly surprised to find himself blushing. He breathed, feeling his warm face with a slightly shaking hand. 'That's new.'
The sheer truth of his statement from before really seemed to impress upon him then. He did like Shinji, and he did want to be closer to him... but to what extent? He'd thought that he wanted Shinji to be his friend, but... did friends long for each other in this kind of way? Was he defining his feelings incorrectly?
His answer to that question came only the next morning.
He walked into class a little earlier than he usually did, and his eyes moved past the empty rows of desks to his own. He curiously stared down at it as he approached. There was a white envelope on its surface, and his name - 'Nagisa-kun' - was written in pink on its back. There was a tiny heart next to it.
He sat down flipping the thing over. He ran a finger under the slit and pulled out a paper, which was similarly penned in pink.
"Dear, Nagisa-kun,
I know you haven't been at this school for a very long time, but I just can't seem to stop thinking about you. I always see you passing in the hallway when I'm walking with my friends, and I can never help but think about how pretty you look. Every time I see you, I wonder what it would be like to walk down the hall with you, holding your hand. You always make my heart flutter in the nicest way, and I know it's embarrassing, but I'd like to get closer to you. I just can't ignore these feelings I have for you anymore, and I really want to know if you'd be interested in going out with me? I'll be waiting in the courtyard after school for you, whether you feel the same or not. No matter what you say, at least I've finally told you how I feel.
Thank you for reading <3"
Kaworu's eyes reached the end of the note, and he froze. What was this supposed to mean? What exactly did they want from him? They hadn't even signed their name... why not?
Before he could scan the letter again, he heard a familiar voice, and he looked up.
"Whatcha got there, Nagisa?" Toji asked, approaching his desk, Kensuke following close behind.
Kaworu held the letter out to him, and Toji's eyes widened as he glanced over its surface. "Dude!" he cried out loudly.
Kensuke pressed himself against Toji's side, glancing over the note too. His face split into a foolishly excited grin that was mirrored on Toji's face. "No way! I've never even seen one of these before! How'd you get so popular, Nagisa?!"
Kaworu gave them a puzzled look as they continued to jabber excitedly over the paper. "'One of these?' What-?"
Toji looked up at him, incredulous. "Nagisa, it's a love letter!"
Kensuke read through the letter with greedy eyes. His grin became even bigger, and he looked back at Kaworu as he teased, "And it sounds like she's got a huuuge crush on you!"
Kaworu looked back down at the letter. "A... crush?"
"Yeah, man!" Toji said, "It means she's crazy inta you!"
"Probably can't get you off her mind..." Kensuke said with a laugh.
Kaworu blinked, turning back to the letter. He swallowed, feeling his heart beating quicker all of a sudden. "She's... She's infatuated with me?"
"Say, Nagisa," Kensuke said, leaning over his shoulder, "You gonna go out with her?"
He glanced between Kensuke and Toji as they leaned in eagerly.
"U-Umm... Well, I suppose I will go see her, but I don't really think I feel the same... I don't even know who she is."
Toji and Kensuke exchanged dumbstruck expressions. Turning back to Kaworu, Toji said, "Aw, come on, man, seriously? Chicks don't always do this type of stuff, you know!"
Kensuke looked thoughtful for a moment, then said, "Yeah... but, Toji, Nagisa's a good-looking guy, you see all those girls giggling whenever he walks past. He's probably got plenty of other options; ain't that right, Nagisa?"
Kaworu stared at him, dawning comprehension flooding his mind. So, that was why so many girls talked to him? That was why they all exchanged excited looks when he passed? Because they were all attracted to him?
Lost in his suddenly jumbled up mind, Kaworu didn't fully hear Toji's words of, "Heh, well I guess we'll just leave you be, ya total chick magnet." He hit him on the shoulder as he walked off with Kensuke, and Kaworu mindlessly rubbed at the spot, still thinking.
He folded up the letter and slid it into his pocket as Shinji walked into class and took his seat in front of him. At the mere sight of him alone, Kaworu's heart seemed to leap even farther than usual, and... There it was again, that new heat on his face...
That girl was infatuated with him, and yet, she seemed to understand he might not have liked her back. He hadn't even known you could do that. He'd always assumed romantic attraction was simply a mutual kind of decision between two people that led to things like marriage and having children... and yet, those things she described in her letter seemed deeper than that.
'...holding your hand,' 'You make my heart flutter,' 'I'd like to get closer to you...' All of those things she'd said - hadn't he felt those things before too?
'Probably can't get you off her mind...' Hadn't he been thinking nonstop about a single person just like that for weeks now?
He shakily glanced up at the back of Shinji's dark head.
His mind remained clouded for the rest of the day, and he really couldn't wait to get home. He'd met the girl after school, trying his best to put her down carefully. Admittedly, she was very pretty, with sleek dark hair and a kind looking face. He'd recognized her as one of the girls who'd giggle at the sight of him during lunch. She'd accepted the refusal well enough, though at the sight of her shoulders falling, and sad, understanding smile, Kaworu couldn't help but feel slightly guilty.
But, walking away back to his apartment, he reasoned with himself. It wasn't like he could force himself to like her. She'd been quite sweet, but he just couldn't bring himself to look at her the way she apparently looked at him. After all, he was already too busy looking at someone else that way.
The second he came upon his apartment, he closed the door behind him and collapsed into bed with a sigh.
He'd never thought very deeply about romance. To him, it'd just seemed like a needlessly complicated layer of a relationship that otherwise didn't need it. It'd seemed so pointless to become close to another person like that. Wasn't it easy enough to simply contend with acquaintances and friends? What was it about a lover that made them so different from a normal friend anyway? Didn't you do the same things with them; feel the same things towards them? How different could feelings really be between a friend and a partner?
He remembered when he was younger, there had been one night when he couldn't get to sleep. He'd laid awake in his room, staring up at the ceiling, until he heard muffled voices from beyond his door. He'd glanced at it, recognizing his older foster brother's voice, along with a slightly higher, more girlish one.
He groaned into his pillow, realizing that he'd snuck his girlfriend in. He listened distastefully to the sounds of their excited whispering from beyond his wall, the other side of which stood his foster brother's room.
He'd pressed his pillow over his head trying to block out their low, cooing voices, giggles, and strange sounds that confused Kaworu intensely, but made his stomach squirm uncomfortably.
He almost wanted to scream. It was so stupid, he thought, squeezing his eyes shut. What was the point of consuming yourself with another person like that? Why bother caring that much? Why?
But he knew why now. He understood why it was that people desired each other like this. Because it felt so wonderful. He'd never realized before that these kinds of feelings came from romantic attraction.
He had no idea that the things he was feeling suggested a much deeper, more powerful desire than friendship.
You didn't think about doing these things with your friends; holding them, feeling their warmth, burying yourself in the sensation of them - just basking in the wonderful, fluttery things they made you feel.
There was a distinction, a clear and definite distinction. He didn't like Shinji... he loved him.
Kaworu almost took his own breath away at the revelation. An intense, flooding warmth was seeping through his chest into the rest of his body. Something light, almost giddy was glowing inside of him too.
He curled up on his side, hugging his pillow tightly, burying his face into its cushiony depths. He couldn't stop smiling. It was amazing; it felt so new and perfect. How could he have ever been blind to this feeling?
He wanted Shinji closer to him more than anything. He wanted to hold him and feel him return the gesture. His heart flipped over completely as he imagined being close enough to breathe in that summery scent that clung to him.
He released a shaky breath into his pillow, feeling heat spread farther through his face and insides.
After a few more blissful minutes of getting lost in the sensation of warmth, however, he became encumbered with a new thought: where was he meant to go from here?
He blinked open his eyes, staring unseeingly at the wall. He was in love with Shinji, he knew that, but... now what? Once you realized you were in love, what exactly were you meant to do? And on top of that, what did you even do with the person you loved?
He flopped onto his back, staring up at the ceiling with furrowed brows. He thought fleetingly about his foster brother and his girlfriend. He remembered their giggling and low murmuring, but it wasn't as if those things were exclusive to a lover; you could talk just the same with friends, couldn't you?
He recalled that letter the girl had written to him. She'd mentioned holding his hand. He mindlessly raised his arm upwards towards the ceiling, watching the webbing between his fingers expand as he stretched them out, thinking. He had seen people hold hands before, walking down the street, or else sitting together... was that a sign of romantic affection?
He lightly curled his fingers, imaging what Shinji's small, warm-toned digits would feel like intertwined with his own. He smiled slightly, but then sighed.
Sure, holding hands and talking was all well and good, but he felt like he was missing something - or many somethings. There just had to be more to this whole infatuation thing... right?
Lost in wonderment for the rest of the afternoon, he curled up in front of his TV, simply looking for some background noise for his thoughts. Flicking through channels however, his hand suddenly froze on the remote, and his eyes - previously unfocused - fixed upon the screen.
He remembered being glad it was a Friday, because that meant he had an entire weekend to spend watching and studying these most intriguing programs he'd always skipped over in the past. They really were quite informative, he thought, and given his current mind's obsession, he couldn't have felt more grateful for his discovery of romance movies. He'd been watching attentively, trying his best to soak in everything he could, and after hours of binging, he felt confident that he knew the basics of love.
He felt thoroughly excited, sitting in bed Sunday night, thinking over all the new things he'd been introduced to, imagining how he could apply them to Shinji.
Flirting seemed easy enough - it was amazing how simply teasing and eyeing someone in a certain way could have such an intense effect upon them. He could already picture Shinji's face turning red, and the image was just beyond adorable.
He'd also learned that Shinji's behavior wasn't completely confusing and weird. As rude as he could be, Kaworu had been around him enough to learn that his nerves were just easy to touch. Honestly, it was kind of cute imagining his little frowns and eye rolls, facial expressions always paired with a huffy crossing of his arms. He didn't think it was something he should really like so much, but he found it hard not to lightly provoke him sometimes, just to be met with those Shinji-ish expressions that always put an irresistible smile on his face. He supposed he was sort of proud that he knew exactly which of his buttons he could press. And on top of that, he was excited to see if all of these new teasings and touches he'd learned about could push the exact buttons he needed to pull Shinji a little closer.
He knew now that once you realized you had feelings for someone, you were meant to confess to them and hope they accepted, and that's usually when you started doing things like hand holding, kissing, cuddling... and that other thing which - whenever depicted in any movie - always prompted him to look away and flush, and which he found far too flustering to imagine for even a moment with Shinji. Of course, disregarding that nerve wracking thought, he was excited to tell Shinji how he felt. He really couldn't wait for that next day of school. Once he got Shinji by himself, he could say all the things he'd been thinking and finally get it off his chest.
Although, upon coming to school the next day, he was hit with a certain realization: he'd never once asked Shinji if he was already going out with someone.
To him at least, Shinji seemed like wonderful boyfriend material, and he found it a little hard to believe that he was the only one interested in him. He'd decided to hold off telling Shinji how he felt - with a great deal of restraint - and just wait and see if his suspicions about his relationship status were correct... and he didn't like what he saw.
He felt that he'd settled in quite well with everyone at school. He found it easy to talk to most people; even the quiet ones - though with the exception of Rei, sadly - although there was just one person who seemed completely and resolutely against him, no matter what he did, and that person just so happened to be the one he was most suspicious of: Asuka.
She'd been a strange character to him. Even before he'd said a word to her, she always seemed to shoot him disgusted, sour faces whenever he talked to people or got a test back and someone near him exclaimed over his grade. He couldn't see what her problem was, or why she seemed to have adopted the confusing nickname of 'Angel Boy' for him whenever they talked. To him, that'd seemed like a compliment, and yet she always said it in such an acidic, scathing way.
Asking her what it was meant to mean had yielded no sensible explanation either, just a scoff, and the mocking retort of, "Well, everyone else in this place treats you like some perfect, Godly prince, so I just thought you'd want me to kiss up to you too," although, the added muttering of, "Self-centered prick," gave him a little more insight into her feelings towards him.
Watching her interact with his dear Shinji was almost beyond irritating. He knew that they'd known each other for a long time, and it was clear that despite how mean they were to each other sometimes, they really did have a close bond. And the way she always got in Shinji's personal space like that... he could barely stop himself glaring at her.
His heart sank when he came to the conclusion he'd never wanted to acknowledge; that Shinji was simply out of his reach and within hers.
He could barely think of much else for those next few days. It hurt so much to think that Shinji - someone who made him feel so happy and warm, someone so special - could never be his. He'd felt incredibly bitter. After all, what even was it that he could've liked about Asuka? She was mean, and conceited, and loud, and bullying - he couldn't recall a single time when she'd ever done anything nice for him.
He'd tried to simply keep his jealousy inside, but he couldn't help himself from blurting out one day while he was working on a partnered project with her, "So, how long have you and Shinji-kun been dating?" in an icy tone.
Asuka gave him one of the most shocked and disgusted looks he'd ever seen, before she'd risen from her seat and retorted angrily, "Ew! God are you serious?! Why the hell would I ever date a creep like him?!"
Many surrounding students had turned around to stare as she shot daggers down at him. He blinked in surprise, before he said, "W-Well, I only assumed since the two of you seemed so-"
"I'm way of Idiot Shinji's league! And, God, asking me something like that; you pervert! Have you been spying on me?!"
Kaworu stared indignantly back at her, outraged. "Excuse me? I never said anything like-"
Asuka let out a crow of laughter, looking back down with a smirk as she said, "Oh, what? Obsessed with Idiot Shinji or something? Got a crush, Angel Boy? I wouldn't put it past you to be a homo-"
"Asuka, would you get off his back already?!" Shinji chimed in unexpectedly from across the room.
They both stared around at him, and Kaworu saw him glaring at Asuka, his face red. She snorted before she sat back down, crossing her arms. "Protecting your new boyfriend, Shinji? Aren't you just soo, sweet?"
Shinji glared for a moment longer, before he shook his head and turned back around in his seat. Kaworu slowly turned back as well, swallowing hard as Asuka continued to grumble out rude little retorts. He really hadn't been expecting an outburst like that, and definitely not one so embarrassing. He thoroughly hoped Asuka was only joking about him having a crush, because he wasn't quite sure what he'd do if she knew. On top of that, he didn't really know what a "pervert" or a "homo" was, but he couldn't find it within himself to care too much, because that was overshadowed greatly by the revelation that they weren't dating after all!
He found it so hard not to get up and cheer. His heart was already fluttering just as it had when he first realized he loved Shinji. He still had a perfectly good chance, and it was definitely that excitement which made him so eager to confront him at the end of the day.
Catching up with him before he left class, Kaworu said, smiling, "would it be alright if I walked with you, Shinji-kun?"
Shinji looked around, seeming slightly surprised as he threw his bag over his shoulder. "Oh, uh, I guess so... I've gotta go get my cello from the music room, though."
Kaworu hummed happily as he followed Shinji out. "Oh, that's perfectly fine with me..."
So, he walked alongside Shinji as they made their way to the empty classroom, his head buzzing with excitement.
He watched from the door, hands in pockets, as Shinji leaned down to retrieve the instrument case.
As he tried pulling it comfortably around his shoulder, Kaworu came forward and took his hand. Shinji jerked and looked up at him as he said warmly, "I really appreciate what you did earlier."
Shinji blinked, then looked away awkwardly, sliding his hand out of Kaworu's gentle grip. "U-Um, yeah well, it's no big deal... Asuka just gets like that sometimes..." He unnecessarily straightened the strap of his instrument case, looking as if he were trying to busy himself.
Kaworu laughed lightly, watching his movements. "Really, Shinji-kun, I mean it. You're very sweet, you know?"
Shinji met his eyes again, and a flush crept into his face. "I-I already told you not to worry about it... wh-what's this about anyway?" he asked, leaning back pointedly as Kaworu drew slightly closer.
Kaworu felt his smile widen as he gently grasped both of Shinji's hands again, prompting the shorter boy to blush deeper. Kaworu couldn't help admiring it.
"Well, there is something I've been meaning to tell you," he murmured, sliding a thumb over one of Shinji's stiff, slightly shaky hands. "Shinji-kun, I..." but then, he froze. He stared into Shinji's apprehensive expression, and he felt his excited confidence flicker.
'What if he says no?'
He blinked, finding the words caught in his throat. 'I love you...' it was so simple, why couldn't he...?
Shinji looked even more apprehensive now, and he raised an eyebrow. "You...?"
Kaworu swallowed hard. "I-I... I was wondering if you could possibly, um, make that vanilla mochi again? You know, the kind you made when I first came here? I thoroughly enjoyed it."
Shinji stared for a moment, before he closed his eyes and sighed, taking his hands back. Kaworu slowly lowered his own hands as Shinji scratched the back of his neck. "Jeez, Nagisa... that's it? You don't have to try sweet talking me into giving you stuff like a weirdo. I thought you were gonna say something creepy."
He walked past him, shaking his head. He got to the door and looked over his shoulder. Kaworu hadn't moved.
"Um... weren't we gonna walk together?"
Kaworu turned to face him, offering a forced smile he hoped looked natural. "Yes, of course," and he followed Shinji out.
He couldn't help but feel incredibly disappointed with himself. What had even happened? He'd been so excited to tell him, and all of a sudden, he'd felt his stomach drop and his insides twist in a way he'd never felt before.
He'd never ever been at a loss for words like that... so why, at such an important moment, had they failed him?
After he'd gotten home, he laid, sprawled out in bed, looking up at the ceiling. That really hadn't felt like those movies at all. It'd seemed so much easier to him on the screen - two people completely entwined with each other, professing their undying love in turn when they finally realized their feelings... no, it'd been much, much different than that.
He turned over, feeling sulky. He wanted to tell Shinji how he felt more than anything, so why had he become so nervous?
But he already knew the answer to that question. He'd been afraid of Shinji rejecting him. He couldn't even figure how he hadn't considered that outcome before that moment. He'd thought of little else but confessing for a while now, and yet the idea of Shinji turning him down hadn't once crossed his mind? He'd been so determined to express his feelings, he hadn't spared a thought for what Shinji might say other than, 'I love you too.'
After laying there for what felt like forever, he made a resolute decision. If he couldn't tell Shinji how he felt within the next week, then he'd just have to do it in a nonverbal fashion. He knew he couldn't keep living this way, simply keeping his feelings bottled up inside.
The thing was, he was perfectly happy being Shinji's friend - even if it was admittedly sort of one-sided - so it wasn't a matter of him disliking their relationship. It was much more just the slight glimmer of hope he found in imagining what it would be like if they were more than friends. He didn't want to keep pretending as if he didn't want anything more from him, and he found himself with the thought that, even if Shinji rejected him, he'd at least be relieved that he'd finally gotten his feelings out there.
He tried his best to let that well-reasoned argument embolden him to tell Shinji how he felt... yet no matter how hard he tried over the next few days, the words always found themselves stuck in his throat. Every time he found himself near to Shinji, the urging, little voice in his head which told that 'now is the time!' would be overpowered by that strange new, fluttery nervousness.
He just couldn't do it.
He buried his face in his pillow, trying his best to hold back from screaming. It was almost excruciating. He'd always considered himself to be pretty confident. He'd never been faced with such strong bouts of nerves like this before, and it was frustrating beyond the point of endurance.
With a great deal of built-up frustration and determination, he sat down at his dining table, ready to finally write down all the things he apparently wasn't willing to say.
The moment he held the pen over the paper, he felt himself stall, mind going suddenly blank. He let out a groan, dropping the pen, head falling into his arms. It was like the universe was intentionally messing with him at this point. He took a deep breath, sitting up straight again. He drummed his fingers on the table, willing himself to calm down and focus.
Forcing himself to write down something, he found himself thinking about how ironic it was that a two-thousand-word essay for school could be so much easier to write than a couple of sentences.
He ran a hand through his hair, reading through his first attempt at a love letter quickly, before he sighed, balling it up and swatting it away from him, listening to it skid over the table as he grabbed another sheet.
It took nearly the entire afternoon, two old pens, and about eight drafts before he'd finally contented himself with the final product.
He took a breath, picking up the paper from amidst the other drafts; some balled up, some sporting messily scratched out sentences and creased edges. He began to read back what he'd written.
"My dear Shinji-kun,
There is so much in this world that I've yet to experience, and I don't think I ever would've realized that if it weren't for you. You're the most beautiful person that I have ever met, and I simply can't help myself from falling in love with you. The way you make me feel is beyond anything I ever could've imagined. I don't think I will ever tire of the way my heart rises at the thought of you, or the way in which warmth envelopes my chest every time you're near. I find myself often wondering how you would feel in my arms, or how your hands would feel entwined with mine. I truly wish I could hold you close and tell you how incredibly wonderful you are, and I yearn for nothing more than to show you all of the love and adoration I can, because I believe with all of my heart, that you, my darling Shinji-kun, deserve it. I hope to bring you the happiness that you desire, and, if you can find it within yourself, I hope to understand what it feels like to have these feelings returned.
I love you, Shinji-kun.
With adoration everlasting,
Nagisa"
Kaworu sat back in his chair, placing the paper carefully back on the table. Yes... this would do just fine. Of course, there were a whole host of other things which he'd like to admit as well, but he didn't think Shinji would be thrilled by the idea of reading an entire novel, no matter how heartfelt it was, so he found himself satisfied with what he'd come up with. He smiled and hummed happily to himself, carefully folding up the paper so it fit inside the envelope he'd picked up after school. Sealing it, he wrote out Shinji's name as neatly as possible, admiring how it looked written out, before he stuck it inside his bag.
The next morning at school, he waited restlessly for the end of the day. He'd decided the night prior that he wouldn't lay the letter out on Shinji's desk, risking him opening it in class. Deciding that he'd rather not have to face Shinji until after he'd read it by himself, he planned to slip it inside his bag just before he left class. That way, he'd notice it only once he got home, and Kaworu could avoid any immediate embarrassment.
Feeling a little more comfortable with this 'easy way out,' he waited smartly for the dismissal bell, although when the clock ticked closer and closer towards it, mere seconds from proceeding the ringing sound, his nerves reached an entirely new peak. Kaworu swallowed them down forcefully, and took out the letter from his bag, leaning forwards in his seat to slip it into Shinji's, trying hard not to be spotted.
The bell finally rang, and he hurriedly pulled back as everyone stood up, and Shinji casually threw his bag over his shoulder.
Kaworu watched, and was incredibly thrown off by the fact that he didn't feel any less nervous than he had before he put the letter in Shinji's bag. He hadn't expected that; shouldn't he have felt relieved now that he'd gotten it over with?
But no. Standing up from his seat, he felt his legs shake, and his insides run suddenly cold. That'd been a mistake. A huge mistake.
He gripped his bag, putting it on in a rush, making to follow Shinji, who'd already left the room. Emerging into the hall, he found himself impeded by the crowd now filing through it. He tried pushing through them all, mumbling out apologies as he went, keeping his eyes firmly glued to his quarry.
He was so stupid; so, utterly stupid. How could he have let this happen? Shinji couldn't read that letter; he knew he couldn't feel the same. Dread filled his mind as he imagined how Shinji would react towards him after he read that cursed thing. What if he exploded at him? What if Shinji didn't even want to be his friend after that? If he knew how Kaworu really felt, would Shinji avoid him, shoot him unwarranted, disgusted looks like Asuka? Would he hate him?
He couldn't let him read it. He needed to get it back, or else any plans he had to continue being Shinji's friend were over. He had to stop him, he had-
"Ah!"
He'd been right behind Shinji when he'd tripped on uneven ground just at the turn of a corner, not having looked where he was going. Shinji turned around at the sound of Kaworu's exclamation, and the world seemed to move in slow motion for a second as Kaworu scrabbled, catching himself on the wall.
He caught his breath for a moment, trying to let his jolted heart recover from the unexpected trip, hands firmly pressed to the wall, before he looked back up and felt his heart jolt even more intensely.
Shinji was pressed back against the wall, staring wide eyed at Kaworu, who was currently trapping him between his arms. Their faces could've only been a few inches away.
He blinked, eyes flicking down to Shinji's parted lips for a moment before he remembered dimly why he'd been pursuing him.
"A-Ah... I... very sorry, Shinji-kun, I just... I didn't look where I was going, and, ah-" he babbled, trying to stall as his fingers slid inconspicuously from the wall to the inside of Shinji's unzipped bag, where he grasped for the familiar, light envelope.
Shinji recovered from his shock and shoved Kaworu away at just the moment he took hold of the letter, nearly overbalancing again at the force of Shinji's push.
"G-God, would you get off me already?! Don't freak me out like that, Nagisa!" Kaworu quickly hid the envelope behind his back, though Shinji didn't seem to catch it as he looked away from Kaworu in embarrassment.
He hitched a smile onto his face, now feeling that relief he'd expected before. "Of course, it was only an accident! Nothing's hurt, is it?"
Shinji clenched his fists, glaring at the floor as he muttered, "Just my pride..." he glanced back up at Kaworu for a moment, before he sighed, pulling at his bag wearily. "You watch where you're going… I don't need you up in my business like that ever again...'
Kaworu laughed lightly trying to hide the way his legs were shaking as he teased, "I've already said it was just an accident, I didn't think it would get to you this much."
Shinji glared at him hard as he walked forwards again, falling into the crowd heading for the doors. "Shut it, Nagisa..."
Kaworu smirked as they made it out into the sunlight, "Mm, as you wish."
They walked together for a while then, although Shinji seemed uninterested in breaking the silence as he walked, still looking slightly tense. As they went their separate ways, Kaworu slipped the envelope from his pocket, pausing on the sidewalk to look back at Shinji as he moved away, making sure he wasn't looking.
He stared down at it, smile falling from his face. That was a disaster. The very moment he plucked up the courage to tell Shinji how he felt, he immediately went back on it. He closed his eyes, listening idly to the sounds of cars passing, feeling the weight of shame fall over him. He slowly pulled himself back together, heading back for his apartment.
As he flicked on the light and laid down in bed, he held the envelope up above him.
He couldn't truly stay mad at himself. He knew he couldn't help what he'd done. He simply couldn't bear the thought of losing what he already had with Shinji. He held far too much value in Kaworu's life for him to risk ruining things between them.
He liked the back-and-forths they had, the occasional hangouts where they played video games together, being invited to spend time with him, Toji, and Kensuke, usually sharing something Shinji had cooked. The idea that he might lose all of that was just too awful to warrant revealing how he really felt.
He supposed after some contemplation that he might've been too hasty. Love was a many-layered enigma that seemed to work in strange and varying ways, after all, and forcing it to work how he wanted it to didn't seem the right course of action. As impatient as he was, as eager, and passionate, and excited as he was to blurt out all of his feelings, he knew he needed to contain himself. If Shinji was ever going to fall for him, it wouldn't be because Kaworu forced his love on him. If he was ever going to fall for him, it would be on his own terms.
Maybe, he thought, after some more time passed, their relationship would develop naturally. One day, he felt sure that he'd be able to finally tell Shinji how he felt, but he wouldn't rush it. He'd let things develop the right way... although, he thought, smirking, that shouldn't mean he couldn't still nudge Shinji a little bit... just for fun. He might've been able to resist the temptation of confessing his feelings, but he never thought he'd be able to contain his teasing, no matter how much Shinji glared or blushed or muttered in retort.
He turned onto his side, holding the letter out by the hand, lightly running a finger over it. Someday, maybe Shinji would feel the same. Someday, maybe they'd cuddle and kiss and fall asleep together in this very bed.
Who knows? Maybe even someday, he might actually give Shinji that letter without stealing it back. But, of course, he thought sighing into his pillow, that was all for the future. Just now, all he could do was wait and see.
He laid his hand over the letter, warming the paper as his thoughts drifted hopefully into fleeting fantasies and wonderful dreams about Shinji.
'Someday...'
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