บท 168: Contribution: Hetalia Snippet (5)
Hetalia Snippet #1
Britain: *Weak and disoriented, dirty uniform covered in sand and blood* "Bloody hell, can things just calm down for a single minute? Can I get just 60 full seconds of peace and quiet with no drama or new battles breaking out? Am I asking for too much?!"
*Britain turns and sees France and Germany carrying an angry and tied up Belgium to a nearby garden fence in Germany's estate. All parties slowly freeze and stare at each other. The Netherlands is taking advantage of the stare down to sneakily crawl away from Germany's nearby garden shed.*
*Britain begins to scream and grabs a nearby rifle in rage. France and Germany panic as they dash for the gate only to see the Netherlands free - he tackles both of them to free his sister Belgium; who breaks out of her bonds and snatches Germany's pistol and begins to shoot France as he ducks for cover. Luxemburg cheers the fight on from behind Germany's fence. Spain and Portugal are too busy punching themselves in the face to really care.*
Russia: *Sitting on a nearby lawn chair with a cup of cold kvass and wearing his new Byzantine crown* "My, my, dinner and a show? Today must be my lucky day. Are you having fun too?"
*Right next to him is a modern hospital bed where Ottoman Turkey is prostate, completely mummified in a full body cast. His bleary eyes are visible and glower at Russia's direction after his recent comment.*
Russia: "It could be worse, you know. Just be happy my boss decided against my notion of annexing you entirely~"
Hetalia Snippet #2
Scene shows Russia humming happily to himself as he dusts extravagant furniture in one of the many guest mansions outside St. Petersburg. His siblings are observing his energetic cleaning nearby with mixed emotions. He's also wearing a silk tuxedo.*
Ukraine: *Dressed in a traditional Byzantine dress with purple fabric and pearls, looks uncomfortable at how expensive her clothes are* "Brother, are you sure all this is necessary? Why did you insist we tidy up this palace for tonight?"
Belarus: *Wearing a jewel encrusted evening gown* "I agree with the eldest. You have been acting strange all day brother. What are you scheming? Why did you require that we dress this way?"
Russia: "Ah, my impatient sisters. Tonight is a night to be savored. For in this evening, something miraculous is about to occur. I would be wrong not to invite you three to witness this moment."
Father Varangia: *Dressed like an ancient Varangian guardsman, slightly sloshed on a couch* "Oh please, I've been roving across the western steppes for centuries. At this point, nothing can happen tonight that would surprise me."
Russia: *Smirk only gets bigger* "Ah, my dear father, I think you might be wrong on this one occasion..."
*A series of hard knocks against the main door suddenly ring across the hall. Russia smiles in gleeful anticipation and opens the door widely. His curious sisters lean in from the back to get a view.*
*On the outside stands a large assortment of nations, almost all with scowls on their faces. They include a cranky looking Switzerland, a dour Sweden, a terrified Denmark, a grimacing Andorra, a nervous Morocco, and other smaller nations. Ukraine and Belarus gasp behind Russia.*
Russia: "Well, happy greetings neighbors! How can "dear old" Russia be of service to your distinguished and neutral lot during these trying times?"
Switzerland: "Oh, stuff it Ivan. We're here to buy guns. Lots of guns."
*A somber Liechtenstein patiently tugs at Switzerland's sleeve which makes him sigh.*
Switzerland: "I also want to...purchase...some of your newfangled "snowmobiles" and medical technology. Look, you're the only seller on the market that's nearby and we're desperate!"
Russia: *Sarcastically rubbing his own chin* "You know, it's quite unusual for all of you to come to me for help like this. Knowing that I might be your only ticket to survival is really painful for you, isn't it~"
Switzerland: *Under his breath* "You have no idea..."
Russia: "Well, let it not be said that my empire doesn't show off Christian hospitality to those in need. Please come in so you can warm yourselves and then we can get down to business."
*The nations outside sigh in resignation and march in single file as Russia's sisters get the message and prepare tea by heating up a nearby gold samovar.*
Father Varangia: *Gasps in shock* "The west and even the Roman Catholics come to us for aid? En masse? What madness has the world fallen too..."
Russia: *Evil smile* "Oh, it gets better. Just wait for when the true movers of Europe realize how quiet our corner of the globe is and try to drag us into their stupid spat. The expressions on their idiotic faces when we make our demands will be nothing sort of divine..."
Hetalia Snippet #3
Setting is a swanky ragtime bar in balmy New Orleans which Russia decided to visit as he takes a small holiday away from Europe*
America: *Covered in sweat and a little tipsy* "I know you don't believe me Ivan, but just you wait. These hippos are going to the best damn investment I've ever made!"
Russia: *Chews on ice as he listens along* "I will try to trust your judgement on this decision my friend~"
America: *Finally notices how scorching the weather is* "Oh, sorry dude if the local heat is getting to you! I didn't think it would be so hot today!"
Russia: *Genuinely relaxed and enjoying himself* "No worries my dear droog*. My outings in Africa have recently allowed me to get used to excessive heat~"
America: *An unwelcome grin appears on his face* "You know, I've been meaning to ask about that. How is Slavic Africa nowadays? Based on what Liberia has been telling me, your little gang of lackeys have it good - especially that total dame Ethiopia~"
Russia: *Sighs* "They're not my 'lackeys' and it's not as one-sided as you're implying. The relationship between my African associates and I is one of mutually beneficial business."
America: *Opens his mouth*
Russia: *Cuts him off* "And that includes madam Abyssinia! Also, it would please me greatly if you would not besmirch her name by calling her a 'dame' in such a crass manner..."
America: *Smirks* "Yeah, you're probably right. She's too old for you anyway..."
Russia: *Completely shocked* "...Eh?"
America: "Dude, little miss decorous was neighbors with ancient Egypt. She's the same age as China!"
Russia: *Strange facial expression* "Oh my, I had no idea..."
America: *Devious grin* "But hey man, I don't judge! There's no shame with wanting to be with an older woman. I mean, just the other day I was in Boston and saw this total babe with huge..."
Russia: *Angrily grabs some nearby nuts and throws them at America's face. America effortlessly dodges the half-hearted attack and happily retaliates with a pretzel barrage*
Angry Waitress: "Hey, can you two stop acting like kids!? Someone has to clean that!"
Canada: *Sheepishly leans away from the embarrassing squabble, turns to America's other companion* "You know, for once I'm glad everyone forgot I was in the room..."
Ottoman Turkey: *Dressed in a conspicuous trench coat and sunglasses over his many bandages, desperately trying to avoid getting Russia's attention* "Oh Osman, what did I do to deserve this? Why can't I ever escape that eurasian soysuz*? AND WHY DID AMERICA INSIST I GO TO A BAR?!"
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'подруга/droog' means good friend in Russian.
'soysuz' means bastard in Turkish
Since the former Sultan and his family are in America now, I figured the spirit of Ottoman turkey would visit them for old time's sake. Too bad his timing was so poor hehe.
Hetalia Snippet #4
Russia finally returns to Europe after many months abroad on holiday. He steps up on a dock on the coast of Normandy and stretches his limbs*
Russia: *Wearing a Hawaiian T-shirt and sunglasses* "Ah, I have finally returned to the continent. Hopefully the local ruckus has calmed down to a tolerable level~"
*The surrounding village is nothing but mounds of rubble with fire and smoke choking the air. Gunfire and angry shouting can be heard for miles around. A constant stream of red flags flutters along with the wind.*
Russia: "...Or not. I suppose I can skip the road tour and just head straight for home then."
*Russia turns around for his personal vessel but stops when he notices a cloud of dust in the distance. As he focuses, the dust turns out to be caused by a herd of people running towards the confused nation. Russia begins to recognize some of them...*
Denmark: *Wearing disheveled rags and out of breath* "Hiya Ivan! I'm so glad to see you!"
Russia: *Blinks slowly in surprise* "Hello Mathias. Is everything...alright?"
Denmark: "Great! Never better! Say, would it be okay if I crashed in your place for the next couple of months?"
Russia: *Stunned* "What did you just say?"
*Switzerland and Liechtenstein arrive as well, looking battered and bruised. Switzerland looks dazed and depressed, but Liechtenstein has a winning smile on her face*
Liechtenstein: *Eyes twinkling* "Good morning mister Russia! How are you today?"
Russia: *Beginning to feel perplexed* "Oh my, I don't remember you ever voluntarily speaking to me...ever. Um, I'm fine. How about you?"
Liechtenstein: *Smile gets bigger* "We're great! Never better!"
*She leans in closer to Russia in a conspicuous manner*
Liechtenstein: "Say, me and my suddenly impoverished brother have been encouraged by shall we say...outside circumstances...to look elsewhere for employment. Since you have such a large estate, could there be possible openings for skilled laborers such as ourselves? I'm adept in the kitchen and the resume of my big brother speaks for itself!"
*Switzerland is staring blankly ahead and mumbling faintly about how he lost all his fortune in a demented mantra. Liechtenstein maintains her beaming smile but still slaps him in the back in an effort to make him act normal.*
Russia: *Growing excitement* "Oh my, I must say this is very sudden. I would have to consult my sisters first and..."
*By now, Russia is surrounded by dozens of distraught minor nations and provinces, each looking at Russia like he was their only chance for survival*
Andorra: *Fearfully looking around for France as she fitfully clutches her dress* "Hola Señor Braginski. Do you need any help with your ski resorts? I only need food and shelter so you don't have to worry about money!"
Monaco: *Even more agitated then normal* "Same for me! Do you need help building casinos or resorts? I'm your woman! Just please, get me out of this hell!"
Russia: *Almost salivating in glee* 'So many people want to move in with me. If this is a dream, I never want to wake up...'
*Mysterious figure nearby clears his throat. Russia turns around to see him and gasps in shock.*
The Vatican: *Extremely uncomfortable* "Ahem, if you offer me sanctuary, I promise to put in a good word for you to my worldwide congregation. Also, I will promise to get along with your...orthodox mother for your sake...as difficult as that will be..."
Russia: "This is probably an impolite opinion to have, but this might be the most satisfying day of my life."
Meanwhile in the main Russian estate…
Ukraine: *Concerned expression* "Did mother already finish her first bottle of wine? It's not even noon yet."
Belarus: *Dismissively focuses on her sewing* "Eh, she has a drinking companion now. Ever since we brought Elizabeta in, they formed a bond...of sorts."
Hungary: *Weeping to herself next to a pile of empty Pálinka bottles* "How could this happen to me!? So many years of marriage to Mr. Austria goes down the drain because of a war I didn't even want to get involved with! What did I do to deserve this!?"
Mother Byzantium: *Dressed like a medieval Byzantine noblewoman as she lounges on her purple sofa* "Oh you sweet summer child, you think you have it rough? Try facing off against the whole world for an entire millennia and see how fun that is. Heavens above, this new generation of brats have such an inflated opinion of themselves I swear…"
Hungary: *Still drunk but now angry as well* "Wow, hypocrite much you ancient crone?! At least Roderich still loves me! What about you and Sasanian Persia, huh? Did he ever return your letters? Did you ever think about him even once when you fled to the Varangians after the fall of Constantinople?!"
Mother Byzantium: *Now enraged* "Y-You utter brat! At least you still have your measly Budapest! I only just reclaimed MY capital after 600 years of foreign rule! And for your information, I was always honest about my dalliances! You think I don't know about how you met that Teutonic hellion behind your husband's back?!"
Hungary: *Enraged and embarrassed* "Why did you have to bring stupid Gilbert into this discussion?! I never invited him over even once! He always barged in and forced me to interact with him!"
Ukraine: *Growing worried* "Should we break them up?"
Slovakia and Father Varangia: *Eating popcorn on another couch* "Nah. This is quality entertainment."
Hetalia Snippet #5
Passive Aggressive Narrator: "Now that the Fashoda war has ended, the nations of Europe can finally return to their daily routine. By which I mean living in a constant state of mutual contempt for each other."
*Montage of countries trying to come to terms with the new normal: Switzerland is staring surlily at his vandalized home while Liechtenstein pats him on the back. Britain and Portugal are yelling at each other across a hastily built brick wall covered in red flags. Romano or South Italy is covered in scars and berating local Tuareg laborers in Tunisia-Libya while his now socialist brother Italy is crying over his tiny pasta ration for the day. Greece is snickering to himself in a dark room as he schemes against Ionia. France is dressed as a pharaoh and laughing maniacally as he whips his African subjects to build more statues of himself.*
Passive Aggressive Narrator: "I'm trying to say that they're all pricks."
*Scene changes to show Germany's now massive estate in Europe. There are multiple water fountains, green hedges, newly built servant quarters, and a grand central manor made of marble.*
Passive Aggressive Narrator: "Let's check out one of the big winners of this 'oh so necessary' war."
Germany: *Dressed as a Imperial German officer* "Guten Tag. I am Deutschland. Despite my tumultuous development into nationhood, I have prevailed and now rule over much of Central Europe."
*Scene shifts to Germany marching through one of the richly ordained halls of his residence. He stops now and then to inspect the walls and floors for any dust that his servants missed in their daily cleaning.*
Germany: "Within my empire, we keep a tight ship. I have little patience for lollygagging or any form of time wasting. Unfortunately, many of my newly gained 'assets' aren't up to par with my standards and are being chastised for their deficiencies."
*Germany brusquely enters his large kitchen to check the progress of dinner preparations.*
Germany: "What's the status of the potato dumplings?"
Austria: *Dressed as a common kitchen worker and covered in potato peels* "I think it bears repeating that I utterly despise you with every ounce of my being."
Germany: *Completely unmoved* "As long as the potatoes are peeled on schedule, I honestly don't care how you feel about me."
Austria: *Murmur's murderous remarks to himself but Germany has already left without looking back.*
*Scene shifts to Alsace and Lorraine as they play in the gardens. The two siblings have been adopted by Germany several years ago but still retain their youthful appearances. Alsace practices her pretzel-making skills in the sandbox while her brother Lorraine trains with his coal-mining pickaxe. Several maids watch their progress from a distance, but they hurriedly bow as Germany marches to the children.*
*The children stop their activities and respectfully stand up as Germany approaches them for their daily inspection. He curiously sniffs the air around them.*
Germany: *Dismissive frown* "You two still reek of French weakness. Go to the tepidarium and stay in the baths for another hour until your proper Germanic roots make themselves apparent."
*He abruptly turns around and leaves their presence without further acknowledgement. The siblings let out identical sighs of resignation.*
*A few yards away, Luxembourg is hiding inside a large bush and sighs in relief at Germany's departure.*
Germany: *Thoughtful expression on his face* "Contrary to popular perceptions, I'm well aware that my ascent to power has also brought along its fair share of...trouble...my way. It's normal for the weak to detest the strong. And in continental Europe, there is none stronger than me..."
Prussia: *Holding a full stein of beer as he passes by* "Oh yeah, what about Russia oh brother of mine?"
Germany: *Pauses to angrily glare at Prussia who happily stares back.*
*Scene shifts to Germany on the manor's lake as he fishes for carp. Croatia is dressed as a servant as he tends to Germany's gear.*
Germany: *Standing with disparaging aloofness* "Go grab more bait from the fishing shed. Afterwards, I have a list of chores for you to attend to. If you fall behind on any of them, you will be birched promptly. Chop chop."
Croatia: *Angrily whispering to himself* "I can't believe I'm thinking this, but I wish I was working for Ivan instead of this total kreten..."
Germany: *Eyes twitch in annoyance*
*Scene changes to Germany coldly observing an exhausted Czechia as she works in the manor's workshop.*
Germany: "Is this really as fast as you can work? A single Krupp worker could have fixed this doorknob for me an hour ago. Are you trying to irritate me Bohemia?"
Czechia: *Angry desperation* "Look, I'm going as fast as I can, you slavemaster! All the instructions for the machines are in German, the tools are German, and the doorknob is a German design! Give me a break!"
Germany: *Tiredly rubs his forehead* "You know what? You might have a point..."
Czechia: *Eyebrow raises in a skeptical manner*
Germany: "Due to your long standing association to Austria, I sometimes forget that you're ultimately a nation of meager Slavs. While your Slavic nature is unfortunate, it's hardly an impediment to my expectations of you. Therefore, I will get you more German textbooks to study in your breaktime. But your industrial workload will not be altered. If you're still behind when I check on you tomorrow, then your daily beatings will also be increased to an appropriate level."
*Germany turns to leave behind an outraged Czechia as she quivers furiously next to her work desk.*
Czechia: *Angrily whispers to herself* "Why couldn't you have come for me too Russia? Compared to this sadistic kraut, you're a saint in comparison..."
Germany: *Eye twitching intensifies*
*Scene shifts to supper time where everyone in Germany's household converges to a massive dining hall.*
Germany: "Listen up you lazy dummkopfs! Everyone has exactly 25 minutes to finish your supper. Whoever fails to finish their plates before then will be dragged outside and whipped without mercy. Afterwards, we will all retire to the parlor for 40 minutes of family bonding. Anyone who isn't appropriately jolly for the occasion will be dragged outside and whipped without mercy. After that, it's bedtime and everyone will retire to their quarters. Anyone caught performing childish shenanigans during bedtime will be dragged outside and whipped without mercy. Any questions?!"
*Everyone shakes their heads in wide-eyed terror except for Prussia who flips off Germany in the background*
Belgium: *The right side of her body is covered in bandages and casts while her left side is healthy. She has a sticky note on her forehead that says 'Flanders'* "He's getting worse every day. When will this madness end?"
Netherlands: *Nudges Belgium on her good leg to keep her voice down* "I think Germany took Italy breaking off their friendship harder than he lets on. He hasn't gotten over it yet."
Belgium: *Painfully winces as she shifts in her seat* "Like, yeah I get the motive, but why does he have to take it out on us? When Russia lost the Crimean war, I don't remember him throwing a tantrum at his sisters..."
Germany: *Suddenly enraged* "That's it! New rule! Anyone comparing me to that Slavic brute will get dragged outside and whipped without mercy! Any more smart remarks?!"
*The room becomes deathly silent. The sound of a baby crying can be heard in the hall.*
Germany: "Finally, I'm glad that settles that problem."
Passive Aggressive Narrator: "The problem was not settled."
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