บท 47: Reasons
The rising sun eventually erased the hazy reflection. I wanted to move from this misty damp place now. The issue was that Narcissa sat down beside me and leaned on my shoulder in a gesture of support.
All I knew about this girl told me that she hated getting filthy. She did something that she hated to offer some level of support to me. So if I decided to just get up and disturb this moment it would mean her sacrifice was meaningless. Well, not entirely but it would still not be what she wanted in this moment.
It was just a matter of the time being off. If she arrived earlier we could have sat around for much longer. If she arrived later I might have already started to leave this place.
I suppose I did not really have anything that urgent to take care of. I could spend some more time sitting quietly by the lake. It was just not in my plans for the day.
My main goal was to have some sort of grand showdown with the old geezer. That plan was shot in the foot so sitting around the lake peacefully should be fine. Although the quiet comforting silence she was offering me was unneeded.
Lily did shatter me to pieces. So Narcissa offering this level of care was completely fine as far as she was concerned. I would not say I was completely recovered but it had been long enough that the wound had scabbed over. So the quiet reassurance was not something I was really looking forward to.
"So how is the school taking the news of my disappearance?" I asked quietly. Sure it was a short amount of time since I went awol but it was the second time I did it. It may not have been started with some drama but it should still be something concerning.
I had made my self a person to monitor after all. So any and all of my actions were going to be followed by those trying to use me. Meaning a rather large amount of people in this castle.
Narcissa hummed as she thought about the words she needed to put together. I could not tell if that was a good sign or a bad one.
"The headmaster seems to be looking for you." She let out slowly as she thought over everything that such a statement entitled. Again it was to be expected the old coot could not keep his mind on his own business.
Narcissa then removed her head from my shoulders and started to look me over. As if contemplating if I could handle some information. I could only give her a bland smile in return.
" The gossip mill is working crazily trying to figure out what is going on with you. The moment Evan's started to trip over nothing, the mill exploded with ridiculous theories." She gave me a soft smile as if trying to reassure me that everything would be fine. I felt like I was being treated like a small child.
It was both humiliating and exhilarating. It was so very rare to have some one in my corner. On the other hand, I did not want to be treated like some unruly child. Even if my actions fit that characteristic to a tee.
"They must be saying something truly awful to have you calling it ridiculous." I smiled lightly at her. I wanted to show her that I was not in the worst possible place. That moment had come and passed.
"It really is nonsensical. Someone claimed that you were hiding away to blow up the castle because Evan's refused to talk to you." She let out blandly clearly thinking such a thing held no grounding. I just flinched at the accusation that came far too close to home.
Narcissa may have thought that the story was dumb but she was a smart cookie. Seeing me flinch at the story and everything she knew about me was put together in a moment. She looked dumbfounded as she realized what all of it meant.
Her gaze seemed to want to consume me as if judging me for all the ridiculous things I had done. I refused to meet her gaze, I was sure that my not doing so really sold my innocence in this matter.
"Severus…Really?" Narcissa questioned in a confused way. It was a rather dumb conclusion to reach but it really was rather close to the actual situation.
Narcissa just let the question hang in the air as she stared daggers into me. I wanted to roll my eyes but I really did deserve the judgment. I had contemplated blowing up the castle after all.
"I won't say blowing up the castle never crossed my mind." I let out quietly as I stared at the castle in the distance. The sun had just risen over it making yet another beautiful sight.
The other parts of the story were not completely right either. Which was to be expected this was a gossip mill not a fucking prophet. If they managed to nail everything I would have to track down the person who was saying these things.
Narcissa reached a hand over and dragged my face to face her. She was staring at me dissecting everything in front of her but not in a judgmental way. She was just trying to put the pieces together.
Blowing up a castle was not really against any principles she held. It was just a rather strange thing to think about doing. Not so strange when you understood that Severus Snape was a misanthrope who cared very little for his fellow students.
She let go of my face as if she had seen enough. I did not remove my gaze from her. She already knew my guilt in this case there was no reason to look away from her now. She looked at my guilty eyes and rolled her own.
"Don't blow up the castle Severus, I have to study somewhere." She huffed out clearly down playing my dumb ideas. I just smiled awkwardly at her. I already put the idea of blowing up the castle to rest.
"The castle shall remain in one piece Narcissa. That I can promise you." I smiled lighter at her. Again she rolled her eyes at me.
"It better." She let out as if there was no other acceptable outcome. She then looked over at me measuring me once more.
"So what did Evans do?" She questioned lightly. She was testing the boundaries that I had set up. I looked back at her in contemplation. What Lily did was not really some grand secret. Fortuna was but I did not need to say anything about her to convey the same story.
Narcissa was my friend. Perhaps the only real one I had in this screwed up world. Yet, I could not bring my self to open up about Fortuna again. Even if I was sure that Narcissa would have held onto my secrets a lot better than Lily would have. If only for her own advantage.
" She held concerns over my treatment of Potter and his goons." I let out quietly. Narcissa held the same razor focus in her eyes as she took in the meaning of my words. Narcissa brought up my actions with Potter and his crew as well. The difference between her and Lily was she brought it up in concern about me.
That I would take things too far and lead to bringing troubles to my own door. Narcissa held no moral issues with what I was doing to them. Hell, she thought the whole situation was rather amusing. The object of that care really should have shown me who my real friends were.
I looked over at Narcissa as she put things together. It was a minor thing but I could tell that my words had irritated Narcissa in some way. The tightening of her brow. The way her face grew just a little colder. The slightly tenser posture.
If I was not an elevated being I would have never been able to see these signs. Now they were as clear as day to me. It lightened the worries that held me down.
"You know how I treated her." I spoke quietly as I reminisced over those memories. My care for Lily was obvious to any one that breathed. For some one like Narcissa, she could read far more than any other could have.
The slow tight nod was a good enough sign of that.
"So I told her everything. How I was doing what I was doing. I wanted to reassure her that things were out of my hands now." I spoke out dully as the memory still tasted bitter. I did not like thinking about that moment but it was necessary. I needed that moment despite the pain it brought me. I was living in a world of rose tinted glasses.
So as painful as those shattered pieces of glass were I needed them to impale me all the same.
If Narcissa was irritated before now she was absolutely livid. She did not have all the details but the pieces that I had laid out were enough for her to get the picture. She knew exactly what sharing such things meant and she knew Lily well enough to know how that went.
Narcissa was right about her. Lily really was no good for me. Not only because she would never return the feelings I held for her. No, she was terrible for me because she never really understood me. Just like I never really knew her. We were both sharing intimate talks with people that never really existed.
The bitter mood seemed to increase. These memories used to drive me mad now they were just bitter dreams filled with melancholy.
It brought a small sad smile to my face.
"I trusted her over anything. So I told her everything that really mattered." That small sad smile became just a tad more bitter. Narcissa was actually gripping her hands into tight fists. The intense focus of her eyes blinding.
"She knew what was causing Potter so much trouble now. She knew what it would take to have it all end. Something Potter would never be capable of doing on his own." My eyes glinted as I thought it all over again. The climax in my relationship with Lily and the final dagger.
"She planned on telling Potter everything. As he would have never believed what he would have to do otherwise." My voice cracked at that and I was surprised. I thought I was well beyond that memory causing me to do such things.
I looked over at Narcissa and all the small little signs that told me her mood disappeared. I knew that it was not because she no longer cared. She was containing everything she felt inside of her, something I was far too familiar with. Her eyes seemed dull and empty but the emotions that boiled in them were enough for me to understand.
There was no use containing such things inside of your heart. It was better to feel them as they were. Yet, Narcissa was used to bottling those things deep in her heart. She had to after all. Any hint of weakness had to be snuffed out of her. It was the only path available to this girl.
"I was outraged. Angered beyond anything I had ever felt. I asked her point blank if she knew what she was suggesting. She had to know exactly how deep the cut would be if she went through her plan." The bitter memory was so bad that I could only feel numb at it all. The raging torrent that it used to bring had long since lost its passion.
Narcissa was completely still and I was sure she knew how this tale ended. There was no point in continuing but I felt like I had to do so.
"She still planned on betraying me even knowing the full story." I spoke out quietly. The soft note released the last vestige of bitter thoughts.
I looked over at my friend as the story reached its end. I could only hold a sad smile.
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