บท 4: Crescendo
Breathe in and breathe out. Simple instructions that can be followed even by a toddler. It's used to calm a panicking person. The thing about panic though is the last thing you're thinking about is calming down. A drowning person won't acknowledge their position and relax. No, they will flail desperately trying to grasp onto life with everything they have. Ironically as relaxing would probably save their life more often than flailing randomly. So instead of breathing in and out being a method of calming it has to be a habit so you do it unconsciously.
Admittedly I don't think even calming down would have stopped my little drama scene. I was unprepared to see her again. I don't think I have it in me to see her and not yearn. Even now far from her presence she occupies my mind. I see her in every flickering torch, in the green grass, in an empty seat. Like a ghost or a forlorn god trying to send a message. It's more manageable and maybe I could eventually handle her presence without losing it but what am I supposed to do till then? Sinking deep into my Occulumency shields barely lasted me half a period before I was overwhelmed.
I am hoping that Bin's class being such a bore was partially responsible for what occurred. Surly if I had something to actually occupy my time I could function more like a human being and less like a pile of unresolved issues. It is a frail hope but one I going to have to deal with all the same. Luckily she is in a different house so I'm not going to have classes with her 24/7. On the other hand, she is in Gryffindor and for some god for saken reason they pair Slytherin up with them 70% of the time. I used to think of that as a blessing now I can only see it as a pair of chains dragging me under water. The infuriating part of it all is a small part of me is looking forward to drowning once more. That apathetic fool wants to bask in all that I feel.
He wants to wax poetically about every single feeling. He wants to love so much that the world loses focus. He wants moments to be stuck in time on the whims of my pumping heart. He wants to be torn apart as his spiraling emotions collide in his gut. He wants to weep because he can. That apathetic fool is of course me and I never expected to give him the Snape treatment but I really should have expected it. Although I am now determined to accept that those two are gone and I am nothing but me. So I have to take responsibility for this unreasonable desire as well.
What can you do? If I had a choice in the matter I would take this deal a thousand percent of the time. If it meant living I am willing to deal with their unresolved issues. Sorry, my unresolved issues. There is joy here beyond my problems. Magic sings to me such sweet songs. I am a conductor changing aspects of reality with my feelings alone. That alone is well worth the price and I won't live in regrets for something out of my control.
I supposed I'm going to have to deal with the fall out of what has transpired. Honestly, it's not really all that bad ignoring my own feelings on the matter. Lily got to see me in a worse state than I wanted but that just plays to my plan. Bins is more likely to change his curriculum over actually paying attention to his own class so I doubt I'll get in trouble over that. My fellow Slytherin's are likely to think I am a pathetic fool who pines after a mud-blood whore but they already thought that about me. The lot from the other houses might gossip about the situation a bit more but I don't really care about them either. The Marauders might take offence at me causing Lily even more turmoil but me keeping away from her should placate Potter's goonsquad for a little bit. I have no doubt that eventually, they are going to go back to provoking me if only because I'm an easy target. I'm not exactly frightened of them with my new control of magic I think I can take them. I am planning to mug Potter so I can't exactly be scared about the moron and his dance crew.
So all in all I think I actually came out on top of that situation surprisingly. Mind you that only worked out because Bin's could not spot the broad side of a barn if it was sitting in his classroom. Not that I'm eager for a repeat of that. No, I suppose that's a lie I am absolutely eager for a repeat I just really don't think it's a good idea. Logic really should trump emotions but as I am now learning emotions can beat the shit out of logic like it owed it money.
I can't really stew in my thoughts any longer. My next class is Potions and that is one subject I refuse to skip. Even if my heart is beating like a drum at the thought of the class. Lily used to be my partner for it but I doubt she wants to be anywhere near me. I certainly can't even look at her let alone be at the same table as her. I'm hoping Slughorn is willing to let us switch up. You know showcase some of that favor for his favorite students. I'm certain I could get anyone to be my partner in Slytherin. They may not like my blatant pining for Lily but no one is stupid enough to ignore a perfect potion for the day. I am also sure that Lily's friends have her back. Or at least they better have her back I don't think I could take putting her in a terrible position just because I can't deal with my own rampant heart. Jesus, I have it bad for this girl. Still wouldn't give her up for the world.
I should be able to get to potions before everyone else does. As you know I am skipping a period right now. Well anyone I actually care about….so Lily.
As I march my way down the halls I can already feel the potions. Let no one deny that Potions was something I had in my blood. Something that was a part of me equal to the part that pines for Lily. I was no more able to give up potions than I would be able to let go of her. I can smell the bubbling cauldrons. I can feel the subtle fumes caressing me as they pass. I can taste the delightful mix of a calming draught. I was capable of all of that before but now. Now I can see the Potion's sing as they are formed. With every stir or ingredient added it changes the song. It's truly something magical and a gift that I would have killed for. Thankfully only two people were killed for this gift to manifest for me. Not that anyone would really know they died for this.
I thank you from the bottom of my heart past me. Not that their murder was placed at my feet. No, I was more like their son receiving their will under a rather specific set of circumstances. A rather shit metaphor but I am not going to bother thinking of a better one.
Opening the door to the potion's classroom was like coming home. It was familiar and calming, a sort of haven for my unsteady mind. I did not realize how much I needed to see this place. The room itself was a repurposed dungeon not that I particularly minded that. I can see why my reputation was not exactly the best when one of the only things that could brighten my life was a literal dungeon. How could anyone understand that this room was more important than how it looked to me? It was a link to the only fond memories I have of my Mother. It was lazy afternoons asking hundreds of questions and receiving fond answers. It was an escape from life when it got darker. It was the source of what made me important in the magical world. It was so many things that I could ignore the bisected animals in glass jars and the cold winds that blew through it. I even managed to gain a fondness for these strange things strictly based on their proximity to potions.
In all honesty, the room was unimportant in comparison to the fact that potions were made here. Which was happening at this very moment. Professor Slughorn was brewing calming draughts for Pomfrey as he often did in his free time. I knew it was a Calming Draught because of the smell, sight, and taste of the thing. Beyond that seeing the melody that the professor was creating would have given it away. It was a lullaby sung by a tired nurse trying to calm a newborn babe. It was a song that was used by thousands and lacked any actual personal touches that would take it away from work and make it a loving tune. Which was understandable I am sure that Slughorn was capable of turning this potion in to something more but he was just brewing for the infirmary. It was a quantity vs quality game but it was a sight to see the ease with which Slughorn could form that simple tune.
Slughorn on the other hand was not exactly a pretty sight. He was a portly man who tended to dress in far too tight penny coats. He was balding as his grey hair was almost completely gone but he had an absolutely massive mustache that you would expect to see on the monopoly man. It spoke well of his capabilities as a Potion's Master that he was able to form his collection of connections with his looks and charisma. That was something I looked up to and one of the reasons I was reluctant to change how I looked disregarding the wealth side of it. If Slughorn could do it surly looks can't be that important right? The thing is one should not settle when one is capable of changing. Always strive for improvement or you will be left behind when others do.
"Oh, you are rather early Severus. Would you care to put the finishing touches on this?" Slughorn's voice broke me out of my thoughts. Without even thinking about it I was already at the cauldron taking over for the portly man.
"Of course Professor." There would never be a time when Severus Snape would give up the opportunity to brew. Not before and certainly not now. The tune was almost formed already but there was still room for improvement. Showcasing my skills to Slughorn or well anyone was entirely in character for me. I just have to make sure I don't over do it now that I am capable of so much more. A swift and quick stir. A few drops of essence of Lavender. A decrease in the temperature. I could only afford to change the potion ever so slightly but the tune was already a lot better now it was a nurse who loved singing. Not quite a Mother's love but better than the clinical nurse simply working.
"Excentlly work as always Severus." Slughorn's praise managed to lift my spirit a fair bit. I usually got so little praise that any of it was a balm to my soul.
"Now why have you decided to grace me with your presence today Severus?" Slughorn knew me well enough that my being here by myself was a strange state of affairs. I may have loved potions but I usually walked with Lily to class. Not even my love of potions could take me away from her. So it was only once in a blue moon that I would end up seeking Slughorn by myself.
"Ah, well I was wondering.." The words felt like they were dying in my throat and a part of me was fighting every step of the way to not say them.
"Could we.. Switch partners today?" There I did it even if I felt like I punched myself in the stomach. Slughorn threw me a baffled look.
"You want to switch partners?" The perplexed tone was rather clear. If there was one thing anyone knew about me it was that I would never give up an opportunity to be by Lily's side. Any one with a pair of functioning eye balls could see that. So to say that I am behaving out of character would be an understatement.
"well..I had a falling out with Lily… I think she would prefer not working with me." I laced my words with all of my pain. I really needed to sell the distraught moody teenager act even if that was exactly what I was currently.
"This is certainly unexpected." He gave me a searching look as he processed the situation.
"Still if you are sure about this I won't deny you this Severus."
"Thank you, Professor." I know this is the right path to take as working with her would push me off the ledge. Not that taking the path is any easier with that knowledge. Nothing is going to be easy when it comes to her.
"Well, I'll tell everyone to switch partners today. That should draw attention away from the two of you." That was not something I was expecting but it would be rather helpful for me. Well not that helpful as my classmate's thoughts have never really been a driving force in my life. It will make it easier for Lily and that is all that matters.
I could only give him a hesitant but thankful nod. I may have been able to articulate myself a fair bit better than before but I still don't want to. Even if it means I now have to deal with the awkward atmosphere that has formed in the room. Like I said I was only ever alone with Slughorn once or twice. Even on those special occasions I was curt and straight to the point as I always wanted to get back to Lily faster. So me and the professor have not really built a good rapport. Even if he did take a fancy to my talent he knew I would follow Lily so having a good relationship with her was the same as having one with me.
The quiet room was interrupted by the sound of footsteps. Which is rather strange as there were still at least twenty minutes before this period was supposed to start. Of course, that thought died when the door opened and I saw exactly who those steps belonged to.
It was Lily. This was not good. I felt my grip slacken on the ladle. In the same vein I felt myself shake. I was not prepared for this. I fully expected her to take her time coming here. For her to be surrounded by her friends and the rest of the student body. Instead I find myself face to face with her with only Slughorn as a buffer. Not that said buffer is worth anything. I feel like a deer about to be slammed by good ol Truck-kun.
She looks bad. Not to my degree obviously but she clearly was not well rested and her eyes showed signs of swelling. Her hair was pulled in a loose pony tail but it looked hasty and fuzzy. As she finally took in the room I saw her completion pale slightly. Her gaze once more locked with mine. I felt my already loose grip completely fail me as the ladle clattered and hit the ground.
That seemed to be the signal for the world to continue on. She looked away from me with conflict on her face once more.
"Ah, professor." Her voice lacked the firmness I was used to but it was a beautiful sound none the less.
Slughorn only gave a quick glance before answering her.
"If it isn't my favorite student, what brings you so early Lily?" Objectively I knew Slughorn had a better relationship with Lily but the comment still stung a fair bit. He was my favorite professor after all. More importantly he was the potions professor. So his lack of favor actually hurt for once. Or maybe I was feeling far too vulnerable. Either way I had to shake off the sting and pick up the stupid ladle.
"Well…I was wondering if perhaps I could switch partners?" Her voice was hesitant and I could feel her gaze skim over me for a brief moment. The question it self caused me a fair bit of amusement. Great minds think alike after all.
"I suppose you and Severus can still be on the same page. He just asked me the same thing. I'll make sure everyone switches today." With a snort of amusement, Slughorn got back to bottling the calming draught.
I on the other hand threw a glare at him. Why in the world would you tell her that? What ever happened to good old confidentiality? He could have simply accepted her request without tagging me in.
"Did he?" I could feel her staring at me again. Of course, that leads to me freezing again. If she was a ninja she would totally have a Sharigan. Or some sort of new Dojutsu that specifically targeted only me.
I wanted nothing more than to jump into the cauldron. Maybe if I did I would isekai myself once more. I'm already losing a grip on more than a fucking ladle. My grip on my emotions loosens with every second I breathe. I managed to move my face enough to look at her again.
She was looking at me. No, she was staring at me with an all too familiar intensity. Her eyes were filled with so many emotions but they finally settled on determination. Which filled me with a sense of foreboding.
" Do you mind if I had a word with Sev.. Severus?" Even as she asked that she marched towards me and I could do nothing but watch. This is not good. I'm broken. She knows that. Everyone who saw me knows that. The thing is no one knows exactly how shattered I am. Being in her presence was enough to loosen the flood gates. A fucking conversation with her might actually reveal the full depth of my feelings. No normal person would accept my madness. I don't even accept how deranged I am. I could only shoot Slughorn a desperate look as I found my limbs not responding.
He only looked between the both of us for a moment.
"I'm sure you both have a lot to discuss. I'll just take this over to the infirmary." Betrayal. How dare you? You have now fallen below Bins on my list of favored. I will have vengeance for this! I will watch as your world crumbles Slughorn! You will rue the day!
My silent pleas sadly have failed me. I could only watch as the last buffer left the room. Suddenly skipping potions felt like a viable option too bad it's far too late for that. I could only look at Lily as she stood quietly in front of me.
Her being this close was a balm to my soul but the storm raged on inside of me. I wanted to say so many things to her. I wanted to plead for her forgiveness plan be damned. I wanted to hold on to her so tightly that she would never escape my grasp again. I wanted to break down and just fucking sob. I wanted all of that but I knew none of it would be helpful. I could only do nothing. I had no plan for this. I was not prepared for this. Her approaching me was not even in the realm of possibilities in my mind. Why would she? She hated me. She had to hate me. Even if she was feeling conflicted hate should be in the center. I hurt her. I used an insult that I knew would hurt her. I did it on purpose. I wanted her to hurt. So she has to hate me. I hate me!
I don't understand. Why is she here with a face filled with determination?
"Why?" A simple quiet question. Her voice was quiet but it felt weighted. She wanted a reason. She needed to know. I could only stare dumbly at her.
It was a simple question but it represented so much. Why did I say what I said? Why did I want to hurt her? Why did I beg to not be forgiven? Why was I broken? Why was I a fool? Why did I run? Why am I still running? Why? Why? Why? All of these questions had the same answer. I could only really settle for one thought. Why did it matter? With that thought I finally found my voice.
"Does it matter?" I could only give her a brittle smile. I had my reasons for doing what I did. As I am now it seems silly. Not because my reason was stupid but because it caused Lily to leave. Even if I had to dig out my own heart I never wanted Lily to leave my side. I knew that but when my emotions hit that peak I lashed out. I hate that I did that. I loath the me that decided hurting her was the right option. He could not handle that decision so he shattered. Leaving nothing but me. Still, I understood him even if I didn't agree with him.
She wanted to understand but I think it would only end up hurting her. I want her back so badly. The question is do I even deserve her back? She is my world. The very reason I exist at all. If I could hurt something so precious once would I do it again? Even if I'm not the same I did it once could I do it again? The thought disgusts me. It tastes vile but I can't deny the possibility. I sit here plotting and planning to get her back. Using every tacit I think would help along the way even if it hurts her once more. Isn't that the one thing I swore I would not do again? So I can bend and break my oaths if I had her. A delusional fool is what I am. I should stop and give her peace.
She could be happy with Potter. Even if that thought kills me I know it to be true. I hate him for taking her. For tormenting me. Still, I know this story. She would be happy with him. They could have a happy family. I already planned on destroying the one thing that would stop that. So she could be happy. Just not with me.
"Of course it does!" She drags me back to reality as she shouts. The anger is there but it's not as bitting. She wants to know. She has to know. It would give her closure. It would allow her to move on. At least she thinks it would.
I know it won't.
I match her gaze with my shaky resolve. I know if I tell her I could get her back. Just as I know she's better off not knowing.
"You won't like the answer." I try to give her an out. I know myself well enough to say I can't let her go. The thing is I no longer have a place by her side. So I can stand still as she runs from me. That would be the best decision even if it would further break me. If she chooses to know it will hurt her once more but I could hold onto her once more.
"What do you mean?" Her eyes shake. There is anger there but there is also longing. Her determination does not crumble to my warning.
"If you know why, you'll only end up in more pain." Take the out. Please I can't hold myself back if you don't. I would lose my last bit of resolve.
"In more pain?" She asks in disbelief. As if the truth could never end up hurting. A foolish thought. The truth always hurts.
"You would be better off. Just cut me off and live happily." My final resolve. I try to convey the truth of it all to her. I throw every last bit of my resolve in my gaze so she can feel the weight of this truth. She looked back with disbelief and confusion. Still as the determination blazes back into her eyes I knew what she would choose.
"I don't care just tell me why!?" I could only close my eyes at her demand. This is it. I gave her a chance to run from me. Even in all my depraved obsession I allowed her to run from me. She chose this. So now she gets to know the truth. The oh so painful truth.
"Everyone hurts me." A stupid sentiment but a truthful one even the ones who cared for me ended up hurting me.
"My father's hate of all things magical. My Mother desperately clinging onto a love that has longed since faded." If she could muster the courage to leave him would I be happy? I don't know but even if I know she loves me I can't justify her staying. Her staying has thrown me in a cycle of abuse. So even as I love her she hurts me just as much. Lily knows some of this but I have never allowed her to know the full truth of it. Even as I admit the painful truth I don't want to elaborate but I can see her flinch at the weight of my voice.
"The Marauders constantly targeting me in some sort of misguided crusade. My peer's indifference to my plight. Not a single teacher lent any true help even those I like." Potter's rag tag band mainly targeted me because I was by Lily's side and James hated that. I know that but no one truly knows how I felt about it not even Lily. Even now I can tell she thinks this is a step back from my previous declaration.
"Anyone not named Lily laughed and jeered as these pranks piled up year after year. Even my peers in Slytherin only took a stance when I proved myself useful. Let's not talk about the teachers who only see boys being playful as they disregard the years of me constantly second guessing every meal I take in case I would suffer another round of public humiliation. I may like certain members of staff but none of them see my plight for what it is. Even Pomfrey who has seen all of this would not understand the weight of it on my mind." I don't want to elaborate more. I did not even want to even explain this much. Still, I can say my words are having an impact as recently Lily has fallen into the same mindset. Boys will be boys but she has been by my side through all of this so she should know exactly the weight of this.
"So I turned to the only people who took a stance against it. I knew they were using me. I would be a fool not to see it. I figured it was fine as long as I had a place to feel recognized." I was never liked in Slytherin I was used. I know that to be true only one person showed genuine interest in me there. Narcissa only showed that interest after I proved myself so even if I like her a fair bit she also hurt me.
Once more I see Lily flinch at the revelation as one of the major wedges between us was my peers in Slytherin. She felt like they were dragging me down a dark path which they were. The thing is they were the only people I could turn to. It's so easy to fall into certain mindsets when you feel like the world is out to get you. Just ask the German people during WW2.
"Every single person I have ever met has hurt me." That is the truth. It does not justify the path I took but it's easy to see the path that led me here.
"Everyone except you." I can see a small smile form on her lips at that. We were friends. As close as people could be for a long while. Still, I can see the confusion on her face. I could stop now. She does not deserve this final truth. I should stop.
I won't.
"You were my rock in the stormy seas of my life." She meant far more to me than that but I can't quite convey that without sounding deranged.
"I said it before but maybe you'll understand now. Everyone hurts me." I throw every last broken piece of myself in my eyes as I stare directly at her. She takes a step back and her eyes waver.
"Including you." The truth of the matter. The one thing that broke me. The moment I found out that my reason for living was a lie. That the one person I thought I could count on betrayed me. That my life truly lived on that principle. Everybody hurts me, especially those I care for. I can see the confusion and outrage on her face. How dare I try to turn this on her? She did nothing wrong. I can only sigh.
"Lily, Do you remember when I showed you the Levicorupus spell? How happy I was that I made a spell. How I immediately agreed to teach you it. Why would I not you were my best friend my rock." A happy memory. I had proof I was smart. That if I tried hard enough I could change the world. That if I tried hard enough I could change my dreary fate. That memory tastes like ash now.
"Spellcrafting is a very private thing. Families will craft a spell and pass it down for centuries as their own private spell. To share my spell was a declaration of you being as close as family." A bitter smile appears on my face and my emotions pour out of me. The burden of it all finally lifting off of my chest.
"Do you remember what spell was cast on me on that day Lily?" My voice rings out hollow. I have no emotion left to give. Not now. Not at this moment. Lily closes her eyes as she tries to contain her tears. She wanted the truth and now she has it. All the blocks that built this tower. Even the ones she herself placed.
"It was Levicorpus. My spell. The spell that I spent years making. The spell I only taught one person. The one person I thought would never hurt me. Cast by someone she knew I hated. A betrayal so big it felt like I was being torn apart." I hate this. I hate hurting her. Even if she deserved to know. Even if she wanted to know. Although it has given me some closure.
"So the truth of my world is finalized. Everyone hurts me. In that moment I wanted it to not be true. I wanted to be the one who hurts. So I threw out the most vile insult I could think of so I could hurt you." I barked a empty laugh at all of it. In that moment Severus Snape died. He hated himself so much that he shattered. In end he never wanted to hurt her but he did it none the less.
"As I fell I knew I made a mistake. I hated myself. I loathed my very existence. I did not care if you hurt me first. I despised the me that would hurt the people he loved. To prove that I'm my father's son." The reason I ran from her. The reason I wanted her to be happy without me. The only truth that mattered to me. The reason why I felt like the truth did not matter. Still in the end I'm just like my mother pinning after someone who hurts me.
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