บท 14: Decided
[To: Darling
I know you're willing to help me for whatever reason. But you can't just do that, you know? Your friend is a stylist, so I'm sure you know how much they charge. Even if your friend gives you a discount, it's still not nice to haggle one's skills.]
Fil sent a slightly lengthy message to Jackson when she reached her destination. She did her best to forget about it, and not get affected by it. But how could she?! She was living on a budget. It wasn't like she was stuck at the bottom of poverty or that she didn't have money to pay for it. But just thinking about wasting such a large amount of money on something she didn't 'need' was heartbreaking.
He didn't even ask for her permission.
"I am grateful that he's willing to help, but isn't this a little too much?" she murmured to herself, staring at the messages she sent Jackson, but received no response at all. "He should've at least…"
Fil trailed off, biting her tongue to stop herself from complaining. Instead, she swallowed down whatever she wanted to say.
"This is not right." She shook her head, eyes shut. "He helped me… a lot. If not for him, I don't even think I have the energy to drive or function properly."
She drew a deep breath and reopened her eyes. A subtle smile turned up on her face, thinking of the good things Jackson offered to her instead of the annoying parts.
"He has a very unfiltered way of speaking, but… did he do it to keep me distracted?" she wondered, keeping her mind cleared. She snapped her eyes on the screen once more, sighing. "He doesn't owe me anything, but I'm glad he's the one I met. I don't think he's that bad of a person."
Unable to revert to time and unsent the messages she initially sent, Fil typed on the phone.
[To: Darling
Thanks.]
Another shallow breath slipped past her lips, locking her phone, and lifting her gaze to the gates of the cemetery. It took her at least three hours to get here. After all, she didn't want to go home and rest. That wasn't what she needed. Thus, despite the rising temperature and soreness of her body, she drove herself to the only place she knew she could cry as much as she could.
Hitching outside the truck, Fil picked up the flowers, fruits, and even drinks in the backseat. She made her way to the farthest part of the lawn, stopping in front of a neatly maintained graveyard.
"Grandpa," she whispered, smiling subtly and lovingly. "I'm here again."
Fil slowly sat down on the lawn, placing the bouquet right beside the grave. She started preparing the snacks and drinks she brought for the dead, stopping as she heard a bell ringing. Shifting her eyes, her gaze fell on the little chapel situated right within the cemetery grounds.
"I never attended an afternoon mass," she said with a smile, setting her eyes back to the grave. "Grandpa, you might get angry, but I'm having trouble with my faith."
Fil slowly placed the bowl of fruit right next to the flowers and then started pouring a glass of drink into the empty glass. "If you're watching me, then I wonder just how disappointed you were about what I did last night." Her smile cracked, sliding the glass beside the bowl of fruits.
"Vincent… is cheating on me, Grandpa," she whispered. "And the woman he's cheating with is my best friend."
"They were both the people I trust the most." A thin layer of tears coated her eyes, chuckling as she recalled her harsh reality. "To make it worse, everyone else knew about it except me. Isn't that… insane?" She pressed her lips, sniffing hard, trying her best to not bawl her eyes again.
"I'm not trying to justify my actions. It was wrong at every angle. But… what am I supposed to do?" she murmured, clasping her chest as tightly as she could. "It hurts so much. I feel like I'm going to die."
All the things she tried to forget with Jackson's help came flooding back to her like a tsunami. Her tears, although at a minimum, her breathing started to constrict. Thinking about the web of lies and schemes she was trapped in brought this pain unimaginable pain she felt like dying.
It was strange, and it was the first time she felt it.
"What do I do?" she whispered through her jagged breath. "I loved him, only him, like crazy, I loved him. Yet… why… what's wrong with me? Am I not enough? Was my love lacking?"
Finding out about her fiance's affair was painful, but the questions in her mind were even more terrifying. Instead of blaming Vincent, her initial thoughts were, just what did she do for him to look for someone else? It was pathetic. And perhaps, the biggest driving force for why she slept with a stranger.
To give him a reason to cheat on her.
That was how she loved him. No matter how she concealed her reasoning under the pretense of revenge, at the back of her mind, she knew that wasn't just it. If she messed it up, then she would have an understanding of why Vincent broke up with her.
It was a way to protect her heart. Quite strange and complicated, but it was the way it was. Just as she mentioned, she loved Vincent, only him, like crazy.
"But then…" she chuckled through her gritted teeth. "While I was losing my mind, all of them… they had no conscience and would still shamelessly call me their friend, all the while making a fool out of me. Am I wrong to not want to be a pushover anymore, hmm?"
Fil sniffed hard, pounding her chest as hard as she could. "You might not agree with me, Grandpa. But I made up my mind. I can't be the same Fil anymore. I can't be the little girl you kept telling to be forgiving and strong."
"Right now, I can only be strong." She rocked her head, a forced smile replaced the bitterness on her face. "I won't let them get away unscathed. If I'm going to hell, then I might as well drag them all with me."
She wiped her tears, breathing out a deep breath, eyes burning with determination.
*****
Meanwhile...
[From: Moonflower
Thanks.]
Jackson chuckled as soon as he saw the last message Fil sent him. In contrast to the previous messages she sent, this sounded like she suddenly got herself together.
"Ohh... you're smiling."
Suddenly, a voice on the side rang in Jackson's ear. Turning his head, his eyes fell on the other row of the first-class.
"Let me guess," the man with a playful countenance that matched his silk blonde hair rubbed his chin. "It's the Auntie last night!"
Jackson smirked. "That Auntie last night... do you know what I am to her?"
"Her male god?"
"Her mistress."
The blonde man almost vomited blood at what he heard, almost choking on it. Did he hear it correctly? Jackson, a mistress? Wow! Was she still alive?
"Let's make this trip quick," said Jackson. "I'm flying back here later."
"Huh? Why? Did you not bury her body?"
"I told her I'd meet her tomorrow."
The blonde man blinked and blinked, rubbing his eyes to make sure he was seeing things correctly. But even after that, it was still there. The soft smile on Jackson's face and his affectionate eyes as he reread Fil's messages.
"What... kind of poison is she?"
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