บท 350: Chapter 226: Loki (Part 2) _2
"You seem unwilling to admit this fact, and yet, see no reason for your unwillingness. But you still won't admit it. Why?"
"I don't know." Loki's voice sounded a bit hoarse.
"Although I don't require you to disclose all your secrets, you can't say nothing at all, especially now. There should be a lot you wish to say, many questions to ask."
"What, you still fantasize about a better listener than me? Perhaps I could call Strange and ask if Odin has woken up yet…"
"No, no…" Loki adamantly denied.
"Each time Odin is mentioned, you seem somewhat fearful. Why?" Shiller tilted his head, looking at him as he spoke.
"No one is unafraid of the Father of All Gods."
"Listen, this isn't a test, I'm not asking you to find a perfect answer to my questions." Shiller said somewhat helplessly.
"When I ask you a question, you can pose that question to yourself and find the answer inside. If you're willing to tell me the real answer, the treatment will be more effective. If you're unwilling, that's okay too."
Loki remained silent for a long time, but finally lowered his shoulders, exhaled, and said: "I am indeed afraid of him. Because of his power and authority, and more importantly… I am not Thor."
"Thor, of course, has no reason to fear him. No matter what he does, the Father of All Gods will always clean up his mess. This time is no different,"
"...but I can't." Loki's fingertips rested on the table, leaving a faint reflection. He looked at his fingers and said: "I can't make mistakes like Thor, especially not such stupid ones."
He moved his lips, then said: "He wouldn't forgive mine."
"I must maintain reverence." Loki's voice started to break free from the complex emotions, his thoughts seemingly back on track and becoming more engaged.
"To the Father of All Gods, I am not special. I can't even be sure if I'm as important to him as those brave and skilled Asgardian warriors."
Shiller picked up his pen, changed his posture, and said: "Because the loved ones you value are unwilling to give you proper feedback, you keep lowering your expectations, convincing yourself that as long as he doesn't obviously show animosity, you can get by."
"But this is not the solution, especially when there is a comparative example. Self-deception cannot last,"
Loki, supporting the edge of his brow with one hand, said somewhat absentmindedly: "But now the problem is, during this period, I became the subject of favoritism, and I just discovered that perhaps what he originally did was correct, because I am not his biological child…"
Shiller shook his head and said: "There's some confusion regarding one concept, whether there's a blood relation or not and whether he plays favorites don't necessarily have a direct relation."
Shiller explained: "The apparent logic is, if you're not his biological child, his poor treatment of you can be justified. But the question is, if you're not his biological child, how did you become his son?"
"The backstory might be complicated, but one thing is certain, your father should have picked you up somewhere. We don't know what kind of feelings led him to pick you up, but the fact is, knowing that you were not his biological child, he still raised you to this age."
"If his purpose in raising you was in order to favor your brother over you, then why did he pick you up in the first place?"
"Okay, I assume there's some interest involved. Such as reaping some sort of benefit after raising you, which drove him to pick you up and raise you, while unwilling to have another son, show favoritism on purpose, thus ignoring you."
"If this is the case, you shouldn't be so hung up, just find out what conspiracy is lurking behind, then think of a way to retaliate."
Shiller supported his cheekbone with one hand, then looked at Loki and said: "You should have thought of this possibility the moment you found out. So ask yourself, what exactly are you still worrying about?"
Loki fell silent.
His gaze started to become calm. He said: "I tried to convince myself that the kindness he showed me during this time was nothing but small favors. I speculated about a lot of possible plots, even had several plans for investigating my real background. At this moment, I should have been on the Rainbow Bridge…"
Loki's eyeballs moved slightly downwards, as if contemplating something. He said: "But the reason I'm here is because when I was about to put these plans into practice, when I was poised to take that step in the opposite direction, I realized…"
His voice had already sunk to the deepest point, sounding like a stone being blown to the edge of a cliff by the wind. His fist slowly clenched, then he said with some disbelief: "...it seems I don't really want to do that."
"Why do you think that is?"
Loki shook his head, looking at Shiller and said: "You're the doctor, aren't you?"
Shiller twirled the pen in his hand and said: "This is a common misunderstanding many people have about psychologists. We're often more of a listener and not responsible for providing answers."
"Or to say, many people actually already have the answers in their hearts. They're just not willing to admit it, so they come to the doctor in hope of getting a different result. Sometimes, even when we see through it, we don't expose them, because not everyone can handle such a shock."
"Do you think you can?"
"I…" Loki tilted his head slightly and murmured: "I suppose, I certainly can…"
"Alright, perhaps you should have realized by now." Shiller looked at Loki and said: "Your resentment over Odin's unfairness and your jealousy of Thor cannot disguise your longing for kinship."
"Regardless of whether kinship truly exists, you've been deceiving yourself for years, and blood ties are a crucial pillar in this self-deception."
"Today, after this pillar has been shattered, you realize that your instinctual action is not to uncover the truth, to overtly retaliate against these people, but to panic and search for another pillar…"
"You suddenly realize, you're weaker than you thought, more prone to compromise, unwilling to wake up from the illusion you've woven for yourself, not as smart, decisive, or cruel as you thought. Even the potential grand conspiracy and hatred did not give you the resolve to follow through."
"As long as those you acknowledge as family give you a little sugar, you're willing to tirelessly search for reasons to deceive yourself, to get by…"
"You discovered that compared to the infallible gods, you are more like the ordinary people you've always looked down upon."
"Or to say, compared to ordinary people, you're more like a dog chasing a sliver of meat…"
"Enough."
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