บท 30: Chapter 30: Feelings
Three months later;
"Just two more days Emily and school will be over for the year." I said to myself. I was in class, tapping my feet anxiously against the ground. Exams were draining the life out of me and I was completely exhausted. I couldn't wait for the winter break. The bell rang. I immediately got up and ran out of class.
As I walked through the halls, I ran through all the things I had to do for today.
'I'm babysitting Tasha's little sister, completing my chemistry project which will be due by tomorrow and most importantly, I'm going shopping with Karla.
The last part might not sound important, but it was. Apparently, Hawthorne has a tradition of having a new year's party. It's usually held at a student's house. There will be lots of contribution from the school and the students though.
The party was a big deal for Hawthorners. It was going to be held at Karla's house this year. Last year, it was held at Shawn's house.
'Damn it! Didn't we agree on not mentioning that name?'
Let's just say me and Shawn's friendship has gone downhill. Ever since the day we fought and the day I saw him with the slimy witch. We rarely communicated.
Tutoring was literally cancelled. And we only saw each other during class or when we hung out as a group. Even then, we rarely talked. Just brief talks, mostly when we had no other choice.
And apart from that, he completely avoids me. If we were supposed to be in a place all alone, he would do anything to avoid that from happening. It was like he just didn't want to breathe the same air as I did. I was surprised that he hadn't even tried to change classes.
It really hurts. As much as I tried not to think about it, I still did. What really happened that day? How can one single moment turn a sweet relationship into a complete disaster?
I was surprised that the girls never asked about it. Especially Karla. She was always aware of the littlest changes, I thought this wouldn't be a difference but apparently I was wrong.
I don't know why I still never apologised. I could have ended it all with just two words; 'I'm sorry' But I didn't. Maybe because I felt like I didn't need to.
He could have apologised too. It was also his fault. But I never did. Just like me. Was it our ego that caused this? Yes, especially mine.
There was nothing really bad about what he asked of me that day. I could clearly remember the day like it was yesterday.
"You should be careful around Scott."
"And why should I?"
Because I said so."
"Not everyone is what they seem Emily. Stop being naive."
"I.am.not.naive! You are just being selfish. I mean, I was only being worried about you and you acted like I was a mosquito buzzing around you. And now you're ordering me around? That won't work Anderson, it won't."
"You can't act like a jerk one minute and expect me to act all normal and follow what you say the next minute. I don't work that way. I'm not stupid."
I was harsh. In fact, I don't think I've ever been so angry like I was that day. I wanted to apologise, but then I saw him and Stephanie together.
It was really painful. Thinking about it made my stomach churn. But every time I thought about it, I immediately pushed it to a deep part of my brain. Although my brain tried to resist, always making it resurface and trying to make me realise a bitter truth, I never gave it a chance. And I wasn't going to. I then headed to my final class of the day.
At first, I didn't tell Courtney about it. I didn't want to be teased by her. But I couldn't help it. I needed someone to talk to, to pour my heart to and Courtney was the only one who could help with that.
When I did, Courtney didn't tease me. She calmed me down and gave me reassuring words. Although she tried to make me spill out what I actually felt when I saw Shawn with Stephanie, I never did.
I wasn't going to.
One, I didn't want to remember it, which was impossible.
Two, I was going to make myself vulnerable to old painful memories. Memories I've kept In a tight hatch and I never wanted to release them.
Courtney didn't force me to. She was such an amazing friend. I don't know how I got so lucky. Courtney knows about these painful memories. That's probably why she didn't force me to open up.
'But maybe that's what you need? To open up and accept what happened. That's the only way you can move on.'
It was so easy for my brain to say that. But I knew the turmoil my heart would turn into, so I decided against it. I got into my class and had a seat. Soon enough all of the seats around me were occupied.
I was having a physics exam. On looking at my paper, I realised that it was completely easy. A sad smile tugged at the corner of my lips
'How I wish life had a particular formula to follow. Things would be so easy. There will always be a solution to our problems.'
Unfortunately, life wasn't like physics or maths. Life was a rough road that held lots of bumps. And sometimes, we find it hard to get up when we fall. Or when we do get up, we stay in the same spot.
'You're staying on the same spot. Open up yourself and embrace what you feel. Embrace the truth and you'll feel better. Things will get better.' My brain said, once again trying it's luck.
Like that worked for me the last time. I opened up my heart to a guy. I told him how I felt. But he trampled all over me. He ridiculed me and played me for a fool.
Accepting what happened back then and embracing my mixed feelings meant showing how I felt to Shawn. That was not possible, especially at this moment. Everything was broken without repair.
'Even if I did so, he might just reject me. And that will completely shatter me.'
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FloxyBelle
FloxyBelle This chapter took an unexpected turn. I wonder what will happen next? So, there will be a change of POV in the next few chapters. It's about Emily's past. *Trigger warning* There might be some emotional trauma upcoming. Please support.
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