บท 9: Space Dust

Eyes shifted to the stars, a child can't help but dream of exploring the Heavens above. To be an astronaut and drift among the stars, your suit wrapped in the embroidery of fabric known as cosmic dust. Space is not to be seen as a cold vastness of nothingness, but a playground further, in the eyes of a kid.

"I want that one dad. The big shiny one right there." The child pleaded, back pressed against the grass he laid upon. There on that lone hill, the two resided, heads tilted upward to view the night sky. Their ceaseless adoration of what sat just beyond reach would draw them to this spot time and time again, if only to peer into the greater beyond again, all to grasp that feeling it instilled within them. A feeling of smallness, a sensation of perspective, to know that they were simply a minute piece of a grander universe.

The wind gently coursed its fingers through the scalp of trees and grass alike, rustling leaves and swaying vegetation. The peaceful harmony it produced was akin to that of a dozen birds chirping in unison, delighting the ears of man and beast alike.

"You want a star? As in, to own one and place it in your pocket?" Asked the father, looking over to his son. With an affirmative nod, the boy smiled in response.

"Of course... look at it, it's so small up in the sky. Small enough to fit in the palm of my hand. I can take it and put it in a jar, and use it just like a night light." He pointed upward at the star he desired, pretending to clutch it tightly.

"Aren't you a bit old for a night light? I've told you again and again, the only reason there are monsters in your closet is because they're hiding from your pops."

"That's not funny dad, you know I hate when you say things like that. They're hiding from me instead. I'm strong enough to take em!" The boy giggled and began swinging his fists into the air, striking at imaginary targets with self-perceived courage and valor.

"Are you now? Tell me, what would you do if a big, green, slimy monster came out from under your bed in the dead of night? How would you handle it?"

Vision still glued to the glimmering sky, the boy considered his father's question for a moment. Whisked away to fantasy land, he imagined the scene unfolding in his head. The thumping as the monster's arm slid out from under the bed and grabbed the frame. Sloshy, guttural gurgles violating the dead silence before the beast would arise from the floor, looming above the child and casting its shadow across his body. Its cold, unblinking eyes emitting a reddish glow as it leers at the boy, licking its lips and exposing the daggers for teeth contained within its salivating mouth.

"Well... I'd stand up and get big! Throw my arms out and puff my chest at it. Make it know that I'm a man, and all monsters fear men. And then I would shout at it, tell it to run and chase it when it does! I'll chase it to the front door and kick it out of the window and laugh and tell it... never come back ever again, or I'll... I'll... do something bad!"

The boy calmed down after his monologue and returned to silence, tilting his head in the direction of his father. Expecting a reaction, he was surprised to be greeted by a low sigh from his old man.

"Is that it? You'll fight the monster off, scare it away? Do you think that's the way to defeat a monster, especially on your own?"

"Well... yeah. If something is trying to hurt you, you defend yourself. Isn't that right? You can't just expect a monster to be talked out of being a monster. Monsters are monsters, even if you ask them not to be, right?" He mumbled this faintly, as if questioning it himself. His confidence in this conviction faltered, noticing how unresponsive his father was to this proposition.

"That's usually right. You often can't convince something like that to be anything else. Much like I can't convince you to no longer be my son. Some things are unchangeable in nature. Other's, not so much. Have you ever thought that the monsters can be changed? Much like people can be changed. I heard uncertainty in your voice. Have you thought it over, are you certain of it?"

"Could monsters be changed? I don't know, I've never thought about it. Can they, dad?"

"No. The answer is no. If monsters could change, we wouldn't call them monsters. That's what we call something when it's gone beyond the point of no return. When it defines itself by its hatred and desire to hurt."

"Then why did you ask me that?" Confusion flashed across the boy's eyes as he looked to his father for an answer.

"To see if you had an answer." His reply was cold and blunt, stated without a moment of reconsideration or doubt.

"But... why? Why does it matter if I have an answer?"

"There should always be an answer. Or at least, you should always have a plan to get an answer. Otherwise, you don't know why you think what you do. You told me that monsters fear men, yet you yourself don't understand what a monster is."

"So... so what? So what if I didn't understand?"

"So, if you lack understanding of what makes a monster, yet you believe monsters fear men, then how could you claim to be certain of what a man is?"

"I don't know, I just kinda... figure that I'm a man. I know what I am, right?"

"Do you? You may think you do, but it's possible you don't. If you knew what a man was, you would never have said that it is a man who monsters fear. You never would have defined a man by what he makes frightful."

"Is that wrong? You've told me that it's okay to defend yourself, okay to not let others hurt you."

"So I have. But that doesn't mean that instilling fear within those who want to hurt you should be your main goal. Look to the stars. See how beautiful they are. How brilliantly they glow. When you appreciate the beauty of the stars, you aren't appreciating how easily they could destroy the planets and moons of this solar system. You're mesmerized by them in spite of that, not because of that."

"Planets and stars and people are different, dad."

"But the meaning is the same. It's true that a star can obliterate a planet. So too is it true that a man can inflict great violence upon others, perhaps even others who deserve it. I told you before that monsters are called what they are because they've gone beyond the pale. They've adjusted their understanding of themself and their purpose to be that of a machine that spreads harm. If that's true, then what do we make of a man who only fights monsters to find pleasure in harming them?"

"A monster..." Replied the child.

"Precisely. A monster."

"So you're saying that hurting monsters makes us just as bad as them?"

"Of course not. I'm saying that why we hurt monsters could make us just as bad as them. The reasons we do things can reflect who we are. There's no such thing as doing something in isolation, Holden. How you do anything, is how you do everything. If you hurt those who wish to hurt you for your own pleasure, even if they're bad people, your reasoning for your actions is that you like to hurt others. And that reasoning won't stop at just those types of interactions. You'll hurt good people too. Whether because you've grown to accept inflicting pain as normal, or because you'll rationalize your horrible actions against good people by convincing yourself they were bad and deserved it. I'm not asking you to be the bigger man for the sake of monsters. I'm asking you to be the bigger man for the sake of yourself and those you love."

"I think I get it. It's just hard, you know, to not cheer when the bad guy gets defeated. When the hero wins in the movies and comics, it feels good. Is that wrong? Everyone likes when the bad guy goes down once and for all."

"Everyone likes when the good guy wins once and for all. Everyone likes when their resolve and courage ensures that they can protect themselves, their loved ones, and their ideals. It's natural to cheer for the downfall of those we hate. And yes, there are those we will hate, it's inevitable. So long as we try to keep our heads up, and so long as we refuse to be overcome with vitriol even for our enemies, we will not be reduced to monsters."

"So to be a man, all I gotta do is beat up monsters to protect people, and to not feel too good about it right?" The child questioned, looking back to the stars once more. With a chuckle, the father too gazed upon the stratosphere.

"You'll get it, in time. For now, I just want you to try and do what's right. That's all I ask. I want you to be a better man than me. I'm not perfect, sometimes I feel good about people I dislike facing misfortune. Many times, I act on my emotions, act without reason. We're only human after all, it's bound to happen. I just want you to know that our ability to recognize our flaws and attempt to better ourselves is what makes us distinct from monsters..."

The two dipped back into quiet again. After a few moments, Holden reached out and gripped his father's hand with his own, firmly holding it. In and out he breathed, closing his eyes and letting his body loosen as he listened to the surrounding nature.

"Have you ever faced down a monster, dad?"

"I have. Several times. Why?"

"What did the scariest one look like? Was it big? Did it have a lot of arms? Black eyes... huge pointy teeth?"

"No, son..."

"Then fuzzy bat ears and enormous horse legs! And maybe even some of them had nasty, smelly black fur and sharp claws?"

"Not at all..."

"Then what...?"

"The scariest monsters I've ever seen looked like people. Looked like you and me. Humans. The ones that aren't able to be picked out of a crowd so easily. The ones whose intentions aren't clear, who's motivations aren't so easy to lump together as just "natural evil". They're the ones who will go to such despicable lengths, that even hearing about the things they do can paralyze you. And many times, they aren't the ones you can just punch away, or be brave against and pray that your courage will prevail. They're the ones that even I'm afraid of.``

"You, afraid of a monster? But you're a man... we're men. We aren't supposed to be scared of monsters."

"We're not scared of them because we're personally afraid of how they'll hurt us. We're fearful because those monsters know that we're strong, and they'll go to any lengths to find our weaknesses. And when they realize that we lack weaknesses, they'll create them for us. Hurt our loved ones, make us paranoid, force us to concede leverage."

"Then... how do you defeat those kinds of monsters?"

"You don't let them break you. You fight them tooth and nail, no matter what. Make it your duty to stand against them, regardless of what Hell they put you through. And when you're on your knees and tired, you get back up anyway, even if it hurts. You do it because if you don't nobody else will. You can't count on anyone to save you, okay? Being comfortable in facing something immense on your own, that's the only way to guarantee that you'll make it through."

"I can do that. I can use my own strength. And even if I go overboard sometimes, I'll kick myself in the leg and try to be better. Oh, and uh... no matter what a human-looking monster puts me through, I won't quit! That's it, right?"

"Holden... I'm not telling you this to prepare you, I'm telling you this so you aren't taken by surprise when something bad happens. Nothing I say will make you ready for when a monster like that appears in your life. You won't find it possible to predict how you'll react when you're put in that situation. But, all the same..." The man gave his son's hand a gentle, caring squeeze. "All the same, I love you, and I believe that you'll find your way. Even when I'm not around, even when nobody is there to tell you what to do or where to go. I know you might not understand yet. You're young, and when I was your age I didn't get it either. But I have faith that you will understand, when you're ready.

Returning his father's gentle squeeze, Holden and his old man remained on that hill for quite some time that night. Although he didn't fully comprehend what his father was saying, the boy knew one thing for sure.

"I love you too, dad. I'll try my best."