บท 461: A Gone Man
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Silas 'Pale Wisherman' Moon
The man before me crashes to the floor, his face sinking into the dirt limply as his Colt stares down at him in confusion. The little girl, who possesses more genuine power than my partner and me combined, seems to be on the verge of tears, sniffles already disrupting her words.
"Wy! Wake up! Blodwyn! You, too? Wake up wake up wake up wake up! I got stuffs to show you!"
Air enters my lungs despite the fact I have no need for it. The motion is to simply release some pent-up stress. Of which, there has been... plenty.
"You think they're okay? Doesn't..."
I shrug, both physically and mentally, to Mie's inquiry. No one knows after all. I've learned from Mie that Arca fall into a deep slumber upon becoming one, but... then why is the Blooming Spider Lily awake? And why is Wyatt asleep? Is she... not an Arca? Wow... That'd be a surprise, huh?
"Who knows. Seems we have some time, though. What do you want to do?"
The eye in my right socket twists and turns, taking in every lick of detail from our surroundings. The Mind's Eye is meticulous with her perceptions, just as she is with her thoughts. To her, however, the answer is seemingly obvious.
"We train, no? Until one of those Sigils flies right to you of its own accord. Otherwise, we'll have to deal with Her."
My rear hits the ground as I find a less-poor seat than anywhere else in this small sphere, a slightly raised mound of dirt. Mie won't like my answer. But... it's the truth. Nevertheless, I make sure our discussions are internal only, no matter how much I hate to speak with my thoughts. It just feels so intrusive.
"What's the point? No matter how much we train, we'll never beat those three. It's... useless, Mie. I'm sorry, but... why don't we just enjoy the time we have left?"
A low growl comes from my internals, echoing throughout my body and originating from my eyeball, the only one I have. Psychic force, caused by her wondrous Ether, collapses upon my hands, from them to form fists.
"How dare you just... just give up! Just because you've died before... it doesn't make this one any better! You're an Angel now! If you die..."
It'll be a final death. The last words are unsaid as choked tears come from my partner, the liquid dripping down our shared eye. My focus turns to the floor as I don't know how to answer her. We have only been tied together like this for a week or so, hardly any time at all.
But... it feels like it's been years already. Neither of us had anyone anymore. She lost her only family, her only true friend, and I... I don't know what I lost. I only know that I lost something because Mie noticed my mental state to be warped and distorted.
Is she right? Did I use to love someone else? And I forced myself to forget it? Who? Who... Who could I have loved so profoundly that it persisted through my deaths? Or... did it blossom after my death? And... I wanted to not feel the pain of losing them again? I... don't know.
But what I do know is that Mie is crying. Her tears refuse to stop. Artifacts always have severe emotional reactions to things, something I've quickly experienced from helping her withstand Kate's death. And those emotional tendencies always require an anchor, something to latch onto. Just as they require a host to perform their most extraordinary feats.
Turning my head up, I peer through the warbling and shifting sands of gold with the few flickering Sigils within to view the battle beyond the Court. It is distant, so very distant that I can only see the God they face in halted motion. Death is... terrifying. So bone-chilling in stature that I swiftly look away, unable to hold that gaze for longer than a second.
If I had peered at her through any other circumstance than being frozen in time, I fear I'd already have lost my soul. That's just how weak I am.
Mie's tears flow without end as she pleads with her whole heart.
"Please, Silas. I... I don't want to lose you, too. I... I don't want to be alone. I don't want to go back to the dark. I... want to stay with you. Don't give up your final life. You made it this far, no? Are you not worthy of pursuing a greater goal? Something... that will get you to put your feet under your body?"
I laugh, not even meaning to at her heartfelt desire. It's not a joyous chuckle, though; it's a self-deprecating one. Mie shuffles deeper into our body as if trying to hide from me and my laughter. I feel bad, but there isn't much I can do about a natural response to my own uselessness.
"What goal could possibly do that? Nothing like that exists in this world. I have been without a goal since I saw the sun. I am nothing but a shambling revenant who has forgotten the warmth of love, the shine of family, and the pride of himself."
My partner is silent about my response, and I don't press her about it. Instead, I watch the young man before us. A flicker of thought passes through my mind that I could just kill him now and grant us freedom onto the next stage, the subsequent Judgement. But all that would do is delay our deaths. Plus... I don't have it in me to kill the kid. Never have.
I've never been brave. I've never been strong. I've just... been. How... hilarious. Again, I laugh; this joke of a life and afterlife is too comical to ignore.
The rumbling motions rise from my stomach to my chest and all over until I'm cackling into the air, hardly able to move. As I laugh in frozen time, my body and lungs continue to move as I realize just how far gone I am.
I'm batshit fucking insane, aren't I?
Yeah. Yeah, I am. I've forgotten all that was ever important to me. I took in an Arca, became a damned Wendigo, and set myself on a collision course with the most powerful beings in the whole damned heavens. Only a crazy person would do any of that. Why? Why did I do this? Why did... why? Why am I here?
The cackles don't stop.
Even as my stomach starts to hurt from the motions, even as Lily stares at me with confusion, and even as Mie prods me with her concern, I just can't stop. Something is just too far gone. There is no coming back from this.
I've been insane for a long time. When was it, though? Was it when I watched all those soldiers die under Marshall? Knowing where they'd be sent? Forced to fight all over again? No.
Was it when I died before that? When I woke up on a battlefield of scarred humans and invading demons, immediately forced to scramble for a second survival? No. It wasn't that either. After all... unlike the others, I stood and fought without a second of hesitation. That is not a sane thing. The others ran or died again, flooded with tears while I stood.
It was nothing that came after my death, nor was it my actual death. It was when... she... when she went missing. Only the faintest hint of memory remains, something so deeply engraved into my soul it won't just leave no matter what tribulation comes.
It was when I lost her that I lost myself. All the plans for our future went into the rivers, never to be seen again.
My thoughts only continue to deteriorate, but a tiny, fearful voice slides in between my brutal melancholy.
"Set an impossible goal. Something... never done before. It's how Vincent got strong. How... Killian got strong. How... Wyatt got strong. They all have a goal, even if they won't admit it. The only way we can compete... is if we have one together."
Some part of me latches onto the idea she presents. An impossible task. What is something impossible? Becoming a God has already been done. Killing Death is underway. So... what is it? Living forever? No. I don't even want that.
I think for a moment, pondering a dozen goals that could become mine, but none feel right until the perfect one settles into my mind.
Resurrection. True, authentic, real resurrection, not this phony and cursed existence that I am. I want... I want to bring someone back to life. And... I know just who.
"Very well then. I've found my goal, Mie. Would you like to hear it?"
Mie nods mentally, aching to hear what will put a fire under my ass for the first time since... she died. I'd bring her back if I knew who she was, but... she's been gone for so long... it wouldn't be the same anymore.
"We'll bring back Kate. Wholly and in her flesh. Not this... Undead thing."
Mie shouts with joy, ecstatic and overwhelmed with emotions. Her mental force even leaves my hands, allowing me to move them as I see fit. The woman screams with her telepathy, letting even Lily know what she feels.
"Yes! Thank you! Silas! We won't lose! Get up! We can do this! We can bring her back!"
A slim smile serpentines onto my face as I listen to her joy, her happiness, her... thankfulness. It warms a part of me I thought was lost. It reminds me that... despite the years, the deaths, and the desolation, I'm still human.
I clench my fist as I slide a coin into my fingers. The movement is smooth, near imperceptible to anyone who would be paying attention. This might be a waste... hell, it probably is. But...
The things we must do begin with a wish. Without that wish... without that dream... the goals are meaningless thoughts.
"I Wish for Kate Summers to be brought back to life as she was before her death."
The coin rumbles dangerously, heating up to a painful sear. The gold within it quickly turns to copper. With a grimace, I drop the coin onto the ground as it flips and scorches the air before sinking into the dirt below. I nod, expecting it not to work in the slightest.
That means I have to start with the small—or... the smaller. And from what I've learned, gold is not the only thing I can sacrifice. The value of things matters to me and only to me. Furthermore, my memories are the things most valuable to me at this point. And... I don't want to live anymore. I've seen enough. I've felt enough. I've lost enough.
But... I don't want to leave Mie in the dark. It's not right. Plus... the feelings that have grown, while possibly not genuine, are still felt.
I reach into my pocket and draw out another gold coin. Mie questions me as I do so, but I don't listen. I simply ask for another Wish. If I cannot bring her back, no matter the Wish right now, I'll just have to become stronger. I can always make new memories, but I cannot make new lives.
"I Wish that my Ether saturation was higher."
Flipping the coin in the air, I feel the heat already ascending; the gold on me is not enough to complete that desire. But... I have more than gold to spare. Scraping into my insides, I rip out the memories of my childhood in Blackreach. It was... not bad. I had a drunkard for a father but a loving mother. Still, despite his faults, my father was not an evil man. He was just... troubled. My sisters were great siblings, too. I wonder... are any of them still alive? Grandmothers, perhaps, after all these years?
No... I must let them go.
It is a strange desire to want to give. But I have it nonetheless. I want to provide Mie with a future. She... she deserves her own life. Her own body. I've only been close to her for a week, but I've learned so much about her.
She's smart, so dreadfully intelligent that if she had hands, she'd give Earl a run for his money. She's strong, too, and her skill with Ether is enough to craft a Dzil if it weren't for my own ineptitude that affected her. But beyond all that... she's... kind. I think that's my greatest weakness.
Women who are kind, motherly, and patient. It must come from her, right? Who else... what else could be implanted so sincerely?
So, I let those memories go, trading them in for another step toward the impossible.
The coin I flipped up a second ago flies back to me, striking my head with enough force to fling me onto the ground. Pain lacerates throughout my skull as Mie screams in horror, but my smile doesn't leave my face.
Raising a hand to my face, I feel an enlarged coin sit right in front of my eye socket, melded with the undead flesh. Still, I see through it just fine, but I immediately feel my Ether move smoother. It's not a grand difference, but it's discernable. It's... progress.
And all it took was fifteen years of memory, most of it shattered and fragmented. Much came back after my visit to the surface, but now I've set myself to rid myself of it all. If I am to die, what is the point in having any of this?
So, I pick out another coin, gazing at the inscribed curls onto the gold for a moment. Then, I prepare to flick it up once more. My Ether is dangerously low, but something tells me I can do another.
"Stop! STOP! Stop, Silas! This isn't what I meant! Why are you so self-destructive! So... suicidal! Stop!"
I can only shake my head to my partner. She doesn't understand. She couldn't. Only... perhaps that Alexos could. I have nothing to live for, only something to die for. She said just the words to get me moving again, to get me... alive again. I can only die for something if I am alive, after all.
"I Wish for my Ether saturation to be higher."
Again, I delve into my grove of memories, and I burn away those of my early adulthood. The first Sigil I gained, stolen in a drunken barfight gone wrong after someone insulted my childhood crush. Her...
Ha... I still can't believe I won that fight. It was just pure luck that I did. Pure fucking luck. Now, the only proof of it will forever leave. And so will the second Sigil, as I took the job of a Hunter to help my family with money. And to whoo her...
The flipped coin flies back to me, sinking deeply into that eye cavity once more, pushing my socket into obscene proportions. Nevertheless, I don't falter, no matter the pain.
Again, my body feels lighter. I feel... better. And all it took was ten of the most strenuous years of my life.
Again, I reach for the coin.
And again, I lose more of myself.
It is worth it. I tell myself that with every lost year, every lost friend, every lost emotion, every... lost trace of her. She is gone, never to return, nothing but a phantom of my past. It hurts to think that, but it's true. I've held onto a memory for no reason other than to wallow in the past.
I need to move on. I need to... die. I want to die. I will die. I am weak, too weak to do what needs to be done, so I'll cheat. It's the determination of a deadman that pushes me onward, the fact that I will be dead soon, that nothing I do to myself will matter. As... I will die. And I want to.
But not before doing this. Not before leaving someone for Mie to cry to, the one that she wants to cry to, to run to, to laugh with, and to live with.
"Stop! Please... please... stop..."
"I Wish for that Copycat to join me."
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