บท 33: Honesty

"I mean, if you could listen, you don't need to say anything if you don't want to, like I said earlier-"

A nervous chuckle escaped her mouth, but a chuckle nonetheless.

She then turned to face him, but she couldn't truly look him in the eyes and neither could he look at hers.

"First of all, er… It… wasn't fair of me… at all… to force you to have this conversation. So if you don't want to… we can stop this any time."

"It's fine." Siduo started talking before he could continue. "This conversation has to happen at some point and I… Well, I was scared to have it. I still am."

"That's the thing!" Karni said, now looking at her. "I'm scared too. The only reason I even have the courage for this is because of Grandma Ying."

Siduo gave him an odd look at that moment.

"Look. I know you don't really like her since she is… that guy's mother. But… That's not what I want to talk about…"

He took a big breath. Why was this so goddamn difficult to do, he wasn't finding the words he wanted to say.

"The point is you're my friend and I… I think I forgot that for some time." Karni hung his head low. He didn't want to see what sort of face she was making at that moment.

"When we were making the twin daggers. I was reminded of… well, everything and…" Karni sighed. This really was too difficult. They haven't had a proper conversation for a month now.

"I think I'm afraid to be your friend." Karni then blurted out.

Siduo's eyes went wide. She took a step forward, but then she stopped herself. "Why?" She asked in a whisper.

"Because of what you said." She flinched. "Because of what I said." She relaxed a bit. "Back then. In front of the hospital. In front of the restaurant."

"If I keep hanging out with you, I know that I'll eventually become part of this world. The way of this world. Rule of the strong. And…"

"You don't want that." Siduo completed his words. Karni nodded. "Kiki I…"

"I know, Sisi. I'll have to change either way, sooner or later. Just… Can you let me stay like this? For at least… some… time… ugh." He didn't even know for how long he can stay innocent in regards to things like this himself.

Siduo let out a visible sigh. "Fine."

Karni didn't expect this. She agreed so easily, yet he still felt like he needed to give more reason to her. "I feel like this is the last connection I have to my old world."

Siduo's eyes went wide, as if in thought. "I… I haven't thought of that."

There was a moment of awkward silence.

"I…" Karni started. What to say now? "I still want to be friends with you." He finally said.

"I never stopped thinking of you as one." She finally wore a smile when she looked at him.

"Oh." Karni said absentmindedly, before realising what she said. There was more awkward silence after this.

What more does he want to say? He knew he wanted to say more, but words just weren't coming to him at the moment.

"You know I still don't agree with your way of thinking." Siduo then started.

Karni avoided her eyes at that moment.

"I still think you shouldn't be doing what you're doing." Siduo continued.

Karni understood she was talking about Grandma Ying.

"But… It hurts the most when you give me that look." Siduo now averted her eyes, and Karni looked at her instead.

"When you told me you'd do the same thing as the guy, back at the hospital. Or in the Spirit Ascension Platform today as well."

She wanted to say more, but Karni now knew what he wanted to say again as well.

"You know, I wouldn't just do those things for my mom."

Siduo looked at him bewildered.

"Since you're still my friend. If it was to keep you safe, I'd do terrible things for you too."

"Wha-"

"You're the first connection I have here in this world. You're the one who makes it bearable. I don't know how I'd turn out without you. I'd likely be a bit broken because of loneliness." Karni had a defeated look on him.

"I don't want you to do that!" Siduo shouted.

"I don't want you to protect me all the time either. I don't want to see you have a giant hole next to your heart. But you still do it anyway."

Siduo had a face that was telling him she disagreed. It wasn't the same to her. The two things were very different. One protected, one… protected but in a very different way.

"I know I'm a bit of a hypocrite. I don't want to become this way, yet I'd still go and do such things." He was very aware of it. "I guess it's why I don't want to change. Changing would mean I could do those terrible things that much easier."

Siduo was speechless. "That… Doesn't make it any better."

Karni chuckled a bit. "If it makes you feel better, I would only do such things when all alternatives are gone."

"It doesn't. And at that point, it's better if I just kill myself." Siduo said somewhat sarcastically. These were all just hypotheticals after all. No one knew how they would truly react, but it felt like there was some truth to it after all.

"Well I guess we're both dying together then." Karni gave another sarcastic answer.

"Okay." Siduo said and started walking towards him.

"Eh?" It was Karni's turn to be bewildered. Why was she approaching him?

She lightly hit his shoulder. "It's decided. When one of us dies, we both die." Then she smiled cheerfully.

"I have way too many problems with that way of thinking." Karni said.

"Well now you know how it feels." Siduo started to walk back towards the school.

Karni just stayed there, not really knowing how to reply to that. Meanwhile, she just kept on walking.

"You coming or what?" Siduo suddenly turned around.

"Right, sor-" He stopped himself from saying sorry. Then he realised. Did he even apologise? No matter his feelings, he was genuinely rude to her quite a few times during this month.

"Hey Sisi." He looked into her eyes.

She looked back questioningly.

"I'm sorry. About everything." As soon as he said it he had to look away from her eyes. It felt so awkward. To be so honest. It was an uncomfortable yet satisfying feeling.

She had to look away, but for a bit of a different reason. She didn't want him to see that her eyes were a bit moist.

"I'm sorry too." She said and then hurriedly continued down the street.

Karni caught up. The two walked in silence for quite a while. Both of them had much to think about. And they still had a few things to discuss. But it didn't feel right to do it anymore.

While they didn't feel like talking about everything, the silent walking next to each other still felt awkward.

"Sooooo." Karni started. Very smooth indeed. "Are we good now? Will everything go back to how it was?"

"Pff. Yeah right. This is far from over." She put a smirk on her face.

Karni could only roll his eyes. "What are you some tsundere?"

"What's that?" She asked curiously.

"Eh, just a term from my world."

"Right. What exactly does it mean?"

Karni thought for a bit. "A person who isn't honest with themselves and hides their feelings by making fun of the people they love."

Siduo cringed. "I don't love you."

Karni smiled. "Well, you like me."

"I do like you, but not like you like you. You're making me say weird ass fucking stuff. Why does your world have such weird words?"

"Well, technically it's from another language, not mine."

Siduo raised her eyebrows. "Weirdo."

"You're way too compassionate, you know that? That guy didn't deserve your worries, whether he was used to it or not. He could've used another way out."

"Where did that come from?"

Siduo smiled. "Well, I'm making fun of the person I like."

Karni facepalmed. This girl. But he also laughed as well. It actually did feel like how it was. While they didn't really reach a compromise, the two did resolve this situation. They understood each other at the very least.

"Say… Why did you approach me back then? When we met. And why in that way?" Karni then asked. He was always curious. She was annoying as all hell when they first met.

She made an embarrassed face. "I guess it was a little payback, for something you did." She chuckled to herself. "Honestly, I don't think you'd be able to hear about it, if I tell you the real reason that is."

Karni wasn't sure what she meant with the payback, but he had an inkling of what she was talking about not being able to hear. He still wanted to hear about it though.

Siduo sighed. "It's because you ******* ******** *** **** ******."

Karni got the same headache he got when she tried to explain the smudge in the Spirit Pagoda. The same as their first proper talk when they met. Constant ringing in his ears, his vision blurry. He raised his hand.

"I see." Karni sighed, stopping her. "I'm guessing, if you tell me the reason why this is happening to me, it'll just happen again?"

"Probably." Siduo had a bit of a sad look on her face. She did want to tell him. It would be more accurate to say that she did say it to him, but he could not hear it.

Not wanting him to worry about this too much, she tried to change the topic.

"Sooooo." Just as smooth as him. "Wanna… Talk about you mom?"

The change of topic worked. Karni avoided the gaze a bit. Honestly, he didn't really want to. It's been 4 years since he saw her. And he knew that he'd be unable to keep himself together if he did.

"Not really." He answered. "But I also want to."

She nodded. A small smile appeared on her face. "Thanks."

Karni looked at her weirdly.

"Thanks for being willing to think about it at all." She gave him a quick hug, then released him. "You don't have to if it's too painful. I'm also a compassionate girl, you know?"

Karni chuckled a bit, before he himself had changed the topic. "Were you scared? When you almost died?" Karni answered with a question of his own. In his mind, she was so fearless back then, even after the incident.

"Of course I was." She said immediately.

'Yet you still remembered to stop me from making a mistake, for which I'd have never forgiven myself.' He wanted to say but couldn't. Instead, he said something completely different. Changing the topic back to an old one.

"My mom raised me by herself." He began. "It's not like my dad wasn't in my life, it's just that they were separated, and I lived with my mom 6 days of the week."

Siduo simply listened.

"It's not like we had a hard life, if anything I'd say I absolutely enjoyed everything there was about it. The only time we had a harsh time was when we were short on money, yet I never felt an ounce of that problem as a child, I wasn't even aware of it back then."

He realised that he was talking a bit too much about everything, but he couldn't help himself at the moment.

"No matter the circumstances, every three months, she would take me to a carnival. One at the beginning of each season. We still did that as a family tradition, in the last few years some of my friends joined as well. My mom began it as well, she just loved the atmosphere of carnivals, even if I'm more introverted, I still began to love them."

"Don't tell me. Your name…"

Karni laughed, while tears were threatening to fall a bit. "Yep, since our family name is Val, she immediately jumped on the opportunity to name me Karni. Though carnivals are spelt a bit differently than my name is, it's only a one letter difference. It basically sounds the same."

"How come you never told me about it!" She suddenly shouted. There was an immense amount of shock and a little bit of frustration on her face. "Ayo, you bastard why would you keep such a thing so secretive, arghhh I feel like a fool!"

Karni was a bit taken aback. "Aren't you overreacting a little?"

"I… uhg… damnit… sorry… forget about it." She sounded defeated. "I really want to meet your mother someday." A sigh released. Then she quickly turned to him. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to…"

Karni shook his head. "That's okay, I think she'd like you a lot. Though it might never be…" He stopped himself. He felt like, if he said it, it would be true.

He quickly changed the direction of the conversation. "There was this one time with my dad. We went to the sea. He had a caravan by the sea, it's absolutely great. So, we went diving…"

… … …

Karni spent a good half an hour telling her everything about his mom, his dad, his family, his closest friends. While doing so, he also familiarised her with his world, Siduo was awestruck at how different it really was. Culturally at least.

Siduo never questioned him about anything though. She just listened. It was the first time in four years that Karni talked in such detail about his family. It was only Siduo he could talk to about it too. Who else would it be? Who would believe all the things the boy said happened before he turned 6? They would immediately be suspicious.

Instead of going to school, Karni followed Siduo. Since her mind was focused on Karni, she subconsciously went to her home. The two now stood in awkward silence, while Karni was desperately trying to wipe his eyes, so it couldn't be seen that he was crying at some point while reminiscing.

"Sorry about this." Siduo started.

"Nah, it's okay. I needed to speak to your parents sooner or later anyway."

Siduo gave him a side glance. "Are you sure? You don't have to force yourself. We've discussed plenty of personal topics today already."

"Might as well make today the personal topics day." Karni took a big breath and walked into the family house.

Siduo entered first. "I'm home!"

"Sisi! My lovely daughte-" A manly voice which was approaching stopped just as abruptly as it came.

It was Wu Jianguo. He looked at Karni, and his face turned sad. Then he slowly approached him.

Karni wasn't sure if he should say something, but before he could think of what to do, he felt the giant man hugging him.

"I'm sorry… and thank you. Thank you so much." The giant, muscular man started to cry. Ever since he heard the full story from his daughter and the policewoman, he felt incredibly guilty. He berated the child, even threatened him. He had so much regret. This child saved his daughter's life.

Soon the warm hug and the tears that started falling off Karni's face again were interrupted by a childish voice. "Big sis came home?"

They all turned to look at the approaching child. Who had his mouth agape at the moment. "Big brother!"

The child rushed at full speed down the stairs and jumped directly into Karni. Karni didn't expect this, he couldn't even keep his balance because of the situation and fell onto his bum.

'I really can't win against the Wu's when it comes to falling onto the ground.'

"Long time no see, Little Nai."

As if realising what he did, Siduo's little brother jumped up. "You meanie!"

Ah, this was it. The child was about to throw a tantrum.

"You never showed up! I thought you died!" Little Nai shouted at Karni, while he started crying.

"Now, now, Little Nai, we told you that Karni was alive and well." The father attempted to soothe the child.

"See Little Nai, I'm okay." Karni tried to soothe the kid, but he himself was still crying.

"You're mean, you never came by!"

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry."

The child stared at him in the eyes. "Promise."

"Promise what." Karni asked softly.

"Promise to never disappear like this again." He grabbed Karni's shirt and hid his face in it, Karni could feel the shirt becoming wet.

He cuddled the little three year old. "I promise." He then stood up and saw Wu Jianguo looking at him with warm eyes.

"Boy. If you ever need anything, tell us. If Siyu was home right now, she'd tell you the same thing."

Karni nodded.

"If you have any worries, tell us." He stopped for a second, before coughing. "Though I guess, Siduo is closer to you, so she might be better to tell."

Karni chuckled a bit.

Then he gave Karni, who had his son in his arms, a hug. "From now on and forever. You are my second son and family. I know we can't replace your parents, but I promise you, we will always be here." He hugged his daughter, who was next to him as well.

'Ah damn it.'

Wu Jianguo felt, much like Karni did before, his shirt becoming wet. Only, it was in two separate places. Siduo was crying as well. She was happy.