Chapter 105: House Rules
"Hello, my minions and welcome back to another video of mine!" Kiba announced to the camera, as another live stream began.
The video had her in the corner of the screen, with the rest of the screen pitch black.
"Now, my ever great Caretaker has released an official set of rules for all of us to follow," Kiba explained. "And he has put it on a big board in the main hall. However, I thought of something. Why just look at it, when I can make a video, and share this with all of you!"
"Already thinking like a content creator."
"Ah yes, the, why do anything off-camera, mentality."
"Yes more content!"
"I would legit watch a video of Kiba sleeping."
"Whoop whoop! That's the sound of the police."
"Of course, I will be doing my best to abide by these rules, because while the great Kiba is bound by now rules, I owe Caretaker a great deal so I will comply to his word," Kiba told them. "Now, without further ado, let's see what we have in store. I asked Caretaker to send us a google dock of these rules, and it should be coming on screen now."
The rest of the screen was now active, showing a blank white document.
"I had Fu space everything apart, so no one reads ahead," Kiba explained. "Now, let's begin."
Kiba scrolled down and came upon the first rule.
Rule 1: Do not eat, eviscerate, or otherwise tear apart Fu's flesh, bones, and organs in the house, without setting up the plastic sheets. The resulting punishment for breaking this rule will be cleaning up the messy pile and blood and flesh you made.
"Lmao, what!?"
"I love how the first rule is, no cannibalism or dismemberment in the house. And not because of you know, the obvious reason you wouldn't want that, but because it makes a mess."
"Imagine having to get blood out of a carpet at seven years old!"
"Can Kiba still drain blood vampire style?"
"Ohhhhhh." Kiba cringed. "This is going to be a rather…difficult rule to follow. You see, smashing apart Fu's body is just…well it just feels right. Something about the way his limbs come off is just…relaxing."
"Why is this not alarming?"
"Someone should compile a bunch of clips of Kiba and put them together with no context."
"Mind you this only applies to Fu! Because he can grow his limbs back!" Kiba quickly clarified. "Anyway! I will attempt to keep Fu's flesh intact from now on! Next rule!"
The screen scrolled down and showed the next rule.
Rule 2: No performing phycological experiments without consent. If you don't know what this means, no messing with a person to see how they react, without asking them if this is ok.
"I was expecting a lot of things out of this. This was not one of them."
"What!?"
"Well I was expecting to not expect something so I expected this."
"What's the story behind this?!"
"Ah, yes. Apparently, Yonda and Yami were trying to do something with Kioku to figure out why she's so miserable all the time." Kiba explained casually. "Didn't end well, and Kioku had a breakdown. Don't worry she's fine now…well…about as fine as she normally is. She's still in desperate need of mental help, but who isn't?"
"I feel that lady Kiba."
"I have never met a person who was mentally stable."
"All jokes aside. Is Izuku Midoriya getting these kids any mental help?"
Kiba scowled as she read that last comment. "I'll have you know Caretaker is doing everything in his power, to make sure we are being taken care of both physically and mentally! Currently, he is going through a prolonged interview with a therapist and is preparing to have all of us receive mental help. So I would appreciate it if you'd keep such questions to yourself."
"She got so defensive it's so cute!"
"Defensive Kiba is so Kawai!"
"Such a daddy's girl."
"I am not a daddy's girl!" Kiba pouted, crossing her arms, her face red as a tomato. "I'm just not an ungrateful welp who doesn't appreciate what she's been given! I know Caretaker looks out for us with all his might so I happen to have an issue with those who suggest otherwise!"
"It's ok Lady Kiba, we understand."
"Honestly, I get it. I have someone who does a lot, and I mean a lot for me, so I'd get really angry at anyone who suggested they weren't treating me right."
"We support daddy's girl Lady Kiba!"
"Agh! Moving on!" Shouted a very embarrassed Kiba.
The screen scrolled down, showing the next rule.
Rule 3: No fighting outside of spars. You must always ask permission to spar with someone, and you are only allowed to do it inside the training room, and in the forest. Lastly, you must also be observed by an adult, me, or a Seer.
"This rule is rather obvious, although needed," Kiba stated. "I recall the time Shiruku and Sansan got into a fight over Sansan's lack of clothing, and they destroyed at least 3 rooms."
"I can not imagine how much of a headache Midoriya gets dealing with that."
"The shove fight that could destroy a small house."
"I never really thought of it before, but Sansan is just always naked isn't she?"
"Dude she's a liquid. Is a glass of water naked?"
"Well no, because it's in a glass."
"What construction company does Midoriya use? Or companies rather, because there's no way he only has one on call."
"Ah, what a wonderful question!" Kiba's face lit up, as she saw a wonderful opportunity to talk about Ochaco's family. "Caretaker primarily uses the services of the Uraraka Construction Company. And if that name sounds familiar, it's because it's run by the parents of Ochaco Uraraka. U.A. student, and soon to be number 1 hero, until I usurp her later on."
"Ah yes, Nepotism. Good to know that's still alive and kicking."
"Is papa Midoriya simping?"
"I mean if your trying to get a girl, being the one that pays her bills is not a bad way to go about it."
"Let the shipping begin."
"Now now, Caretaker hired them because they are hard workers, who produce good results," Kiba told them. "That being said, if Ochaco would want to take this as a romantic gesture, I would not be opposed."
"Daughter approved!"
"Make it canon!"
"Please stop shipping REAL people together."
"Well, I believe we've lingered here long enough. It is time to move on." Kiba said as she scrolled down to the next rule.
Rule 4: You are not allowed to glomp Netsu, under any circumstances.
"Who thought glomping the kid that was always on fire was a good idea."
"Lmao!"
"Yeah, Kei tried this once." Kiba grimaced. "It…didn't end well, to say the least…Moving on."
She scrolled down once more, to the next rule.
Rule 5: Under no circumstance, are you allowed to inhale Fuku's fear gas.
"Fear gas?"
"Oh, so that's Fuku's quirk."
"That sounds horribly dangerous…which I guess shouldn't be surprising, considering this a place for dangerous children."
"Ah yeah, Fuku's quirk lets her emit a gas that makes you experience a nightmare in real life, your ability to reason will be suppressed, and you'll hallucinate your worst fears," Kiba explained begrudgingly in a rushed way.
"That sounds like actual torture."
"Holy shit that sounds terrible."
"I think I'd literally rather die than breathe that in."
"Look, I would rather we not linger on this topic. Fuku dislikes her quirk, and it has caused her a lot of pain. So let's move on." Kiba stated firmly, sounding a bit frustrated.
As Kiba was talking, she moved to the next rule, not wanting to linger on this topic.
Rule 6: No using Fu's head as a ball or decoration.
"I knew they'd try that at some point!"
"This is unsurprising, and I'm not sure how to feel about that."
"Hooray to the desensitization of violence!"
Queen Crimson: Heads don't actually make very good balls. They don't bounce. But they do make great decorations.
"I'm really beginning to think queen crimson may be a psychopath."
"So I may have attempted to do..both these things at some point," Kiba admitted, blushing a bit with embarrassment. "Simply out of curiosity…it didn't end well…moving on."
Rule 7: No feeding Fu and Kyosei chocolate. Ever.
"Oh, this is a fun one. Apparently, chocolate is like a drug to Kyosei, and it caused some kind reaction in Fu's brain, that causes them to go berserk." Kiba explained. "He accidentally ate one of Fuku's delicious chocolate chip cookies, and just went crazy. Fuku's the only one that's seen it before. I really want to see what it's like, but apparently, after the craze is over, it causes Fu to die temporarily, and Caretaker would rather not see what happens if we try that multiple times."
"Dies temporarily…only in this house."
"Man, poor Fu. Can't enjoy chocolate."
"Fu can't enjoy any foods. He can't taste."
"Poor Fuku, she just wanted to make cookies, and she sees a mess of flesh and black tendrils going insane."
"So Fu's like a dog?"
That last comment sent Kiba into a giggle fit, as she tried suppressing her laughter. "Yes, I suppose he is. My most loyal of hounds."
"Well if a dog gets better grades than you, what does that make you?" Fu asked off-screen.
"Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!"
"Fu did not take that lying down LOL!"
"Shots fired."
Kiba's smile immediately turned into a scowl, and she stuck her tongue out at Fu. "Next rule."
Rule 8: Do not touch Eri while her quirk is active. If you see Eri's quirk is active, get as far away from her as possible, and inform me immediately.
"Not allowed to explain this one," Kiba said quickly. "Moving on."
Rule 9: If you see Ken has turned into a ghost. Run. Do not attempt to talk, or reason with him. Just run.
"Ah yes, apparently Ken has a 10th transformation, called Ghostfreak, which he can't/won't use," Kiba explained. "Most of Ken's transformations change his personality in some way. Ghostfreak just makes him super angry and hostile, so he'll do some terrible things that he wouldn't normally do otherwise. Like attack someone."
"So that's why he's an O.P.C! I was so confused because he didn't seem all that dangerous."
"This place is so much fun to watch, but at the same time, things like this are why I could NEVER live here."
"What's up Nara then?"
"Nara? Oh, she's not dangerous. She's only here because Ken is here." Kiba explained. "And I wouldn't worry too much about Ghostfreak. Ken never wants to transform into Ghostfreak and he can't even if he did. The Omnitrix is supposed to keep him from turning into Ghostfreak, but it can malfunction if he gets too stressed, so it's still possible for him to accidentally turn into him. But even then, he can only be transformed to 10 minutes so it's not as bad as it sounds."
"Even if it's only for 10 minutes I wouldn't want to try and run from something that can go through walls."
"I would be panicking and screaming the whole time."
"I can only imagine it must feel terrible to be so angry and hateful."
Dust to Dust. "Not really, I feel fine."
"Next rule!" Kiba said as she scrolled down again.
Rule 10: Do not, ever, eat Yami's Grimm Batter, or put it anywhere near your mouth. This can lead to a Grimm being formed inside your body! If you suspect you've eaten some of Yami's Grimm Batter, tell him immediately so he can stop the process, and get to the medical wing immediately!
"Oh god, what a way to go out! Fuck!"
"Imagine that you feel some liquid go down your throat and into your stomach, and then it starts to expand and grow, or you feel something moving around trying to get out, ripping your body apart as a nightmare monster bursts from your body like fucking Xenomorph."
"Fuck you buddy!"
"Welp looks like I know what's gonna be in muh nightmares for the next few months."
"I didn't think Yami could get any scarier. I was wrong. I was very, very wrong."
"Don't really need to explain anything about this. It's pretty straightforward." Kiba shrugged. "Next rule!"
Rule 11: Girls, do not allow Sansan anywhere near your private parts. I would like it if you all kept away from that area in general, but this is especially dangerous as it can result in an unwanted pregnancy.
"Wait what the actual fuck!?"
"How!?"
"Lady Kiba please explain!?"
"Ok, so. Apparently, you know how we use chemicals to force Sansan to not be so acidy all the time?" Kiba started to explain. "Well, apparently how that works, is that the chemicals force her body into mating mode. She's no longer acidic, but now she can get girls pregnant if she's not careful."
"Still what the fuck!?"
"So she's made of jello sperm?!"
"Well…nature finds a way."
"I've seen enough Hentai to know where that would go. Listen I know this is about children, but the potential joke is right there, and I literally can't stop myself. Ban me, I won't be mad."
"Well, before the inappropriate jokes continue, we should move on," Kiba said, scrolling down.
Rule 12: Do not, under any circumstance, surprise Fuku.
"Yeah, that's pretty obvious."
"Imagine. Surprise, Oh god why!?"
"Don't really need to explain this one. Only an idiot would try this." Kiba said. "Next rule."
Rule 13: Do not sneak into Kai's room without him knowing, or while he's asleep.
"Again, another rule that has obvious consequences," Kiba said. "If Kai doesn't know you're there, he might squash you. Of course, I, the great Kiba, can withstand this, but many of my squishier siblings can not."
"Kai could roll over in his sleep, and commit a massacre."
"It really is a miracle he hasn't accidentally killed anyone. Good on him."
"Kai is a very good boy."
Kiba moved on to the next rule.
Rule 14: Do not drug people. This includes using Amai's candies on people without consent.
"Ok. Here's something else I didn't expect."
"What does that mean!?"
"Candies?"
"Oh that's right I've never explained Amai's quirk did I? It's called Mood Candy." Kiba explained. "She makes candies that can influence your mood. She can make you calm, angry, sad, happy, or make you fall in love. Apparently, some of my siblings have been misusing these candies, and as such Caretaker has gotten quite strict about their distribution."
"As he should that sounds like a serious problem!"
"In most contexts, this would be taken way more seriously. But in a house where death is a constant threat that no one seems to acknowledge, this is just a drop in the bucket."
"Well, that appears to be the end of the list for now," Kiba said. "Caretaker said he will continue updating the rules as time goes on. Most likely soon given what goes on within this household. With that said, my time with you has come to an end today. Do not despair, I will return soon to grace you all with my presence. In order to look upon my face as soon as possible, please remember to subscribe to both my channels. Farewell for now!"
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