บท 30: Chapter 28
" Listen honey.." my mom began. Her tone was cautious, like she was picking her words carefully so that she wouldn't say the wrong thing. And each time I looked at Stevens I felt even worse. And I tried to remain put but I couldn't. Something told me he needed me close to him, and so I slowly walked over and stood behind him. I was close, but I wasn't touching or holding him in any way. My mom glanced up at me but I turned the other side. I'm not sure why I did that though, it's not like I was doing anything wrong. But I was unable to hold her gaze because I felt like I was.
" Love is different for everyone, " she told Kyle, and in her eyes was the love she held for him. Even though she wasn't his real mom, she always acted like she was. That's why I believed I had the best parents in the world.
" It's okay Mrs O'Grady, you don't have to try and make me feel better, " Kyle said, making my mom's lips part as she wondered what to say next. He was too smart for his age. And once he believed something was true it was hard for him to change his mind. I wanted to reach out and touch him, to give him confirmation that I was there, that even though his mom didn't care for him I did.
That he didn't have to worry because he had me by his side and I would try my best to be enough. And as if sensing my thoughts, he placed both his hands on his back, and when I looked down it was to find him slightly moving his fingers. A secret indication that he wanted me to hold his hand.
And before I did I glanced at my mom again, that feeling of doing something I wasn't supposed to be doing returned, but I got over it because at the moment the most important person was Stevens.
His feelings were precious to me, I wanted him to be happy. He deserved that.
Slowly, I reached for his hand and held it in mine, his hold was more firm than I expected.
" I'm not trying to make you feel better, you're a brilliant young boy who deserves nothing but the truth, "
" And what's the truth?"
His voice and tone were very innocent. I was glad I was behind him because it prevented me from seeing his hurt expressions.
My mom smiled and placed her palm on his cheek, then she told him what I believe she thought was the best response.
" What's unseen isn't non-existent Kyle, the fact that your mom doesn't show you her love most of the time doesn't mean she doesn't love you, "
He didn't say anything after that, which was his way of saying he understood. Or that he was still thinking it over. After that we had gone to the backyard and sat down on my swing set. He was beside me, his hands on either side of his swing, his head bowed and a million questions running through his head. They were so loud I could almost hear them.. especially in the silence. It was cold, I felt the chill even though I was wearing a jacket. And I wondered how warm he was because he was only wearing a hoody which didn't seem that warm. I went to tuck my hands I to.my pockets but I came across something in one of them and I pulled it out. It was a pen I had lost weeks ago.
" So that's where you went, " I muttered. Kyle turned to me before looking away once more. If he wanted to talk I would have known, I had sharp instincts whenever it came to him, and at the moment my instincts were telling me to remain quiet and just be there. After a while, I reached for his hand and gently made him let go of the swing, then I slowly rolled up his sleeve and started to draw something on his forearm with the pen. He watched closely, not saying a word, but after I was done he observed it more keenly and I watched in relief as he smiled.
" What's this supposed to be?" He asked with a frown, placing his hand in different angles to see whether it would help him to figure out what I had drawn.
" Is it a kite?" he asked and I gasped and acted hurt.
" It's a flower!"
He looked at it again, eyes narrowed for better inspection, then he shook his head and said it looked more like a kite. And I pulled his hand back and started to illustrate why it was a flower. Outlining the petals for him clearly.
" See? " I asked afterwards and he shrugged and nodded.
" Yeah, it's a really nice looking kite, don't worry, I get the approach you were aiming for, "
Groaning, I let him be. And I was about to place the pen back when he took it from me. Then he took my hand, but my jacket was too large for the sleeves to roll or pull up. And when I thought he was just going to draw on my palm, he stood and shifted to stand in front of me. Then I watched as he turned towards the door. Confirming whether there was someone, and when he saw there wasn't anyone, he stretched his hands and held my jacket's zipper, then he slowly pulled it down with his eyes on the task he was carrying out. Mine were purely on him.
Once the zipper was halfway down, he held the neckline of the t-shirt I had on underneath and pulled it slightly down. Then he held the pen and leaned down to draw something. I shuddered the second the pen's tip touched my skin. He stopped and wrapped a hand around my neck.
My heart was thumping again. I wanted him to put some space between us, but at the same time I wanted him closer. He always got me confused about what I was feeling.
" Cold?" He asked. Sounding a little guilty because if having unzipped my jacket. I shook my head.
" I don't know why that happens, " I confessed. Him and I both knew it wasn't the first time, nor the second...it wasn't even the third.
He nodded and went ahead with his drawing. And after a long while of me unintentionally holding my breath every other minute, he stepped back and handed me the pen. And before he sat he traced his fingertips over whatever he had drawn. The hardest part was trying to remain cool. I glanced down afterwards. And I was able to clearly see what he had drawn. It looked so much better than mine. Actually, it looked so good I was sure I'd regret having to wash it off.
" I think I see the flower now, " he said afterwards while looking at what I had drawn. A teasing smile on his lips.
I shook my head, then I once again stared at what he had drawn.
The love heart with a lifeline on either side. And he'd drawn it so close to my own pounding heart.
🔸🔸🔸🔸🔸
For my mom and for him. Two of the most significant people in my life. Stevens sucked in a deep breath and took a step back. It was one thing to pester him consistently, to stalk him and to pressure him into spending time with me. But it was another thing entirely to get a tattoo that reminded me is him. He was having some difficulty absorbing it all in. He wasn't sure about what to do.
" It's no big deal, just a tat, " I said in an attempt to ease some of the pressure off him. Then I sat back down and watched as he rubbed his ear persistently. But he finally let go and his eyes fell on the space next to me. Then he walked over and sat back down. Closer than I would have ever imagined him sitting.
Only a small space separated us, and I'm sure that I normally would have moved even closer, but I decided not to. There was a limit,I hadn't forgotten that. If I scooted closer then I would be pushing him over the edge, too much had happened in the few minutes we had been in there.
" I loved you both, I got it because I wanted to feel closer to you, " I explained. He had left me, and I had been a wreck, devastated and unable to cope with his absence. And during that terrible time, my mom had been my closest confidant. She had always been there and had ensured I didn't get drowned in all the sadness I felt. But then she had been diagnosed not long after that. And I had had to watch as the one person who truly understood me died a slow and agonizing death with each day that passed.
Stevens moved closer, I felt his eyes on me and I couldn't help but look at him. His eyes were actually on mine. Fixated..concentrated entirely.
" You confuse me, " he stated, his voice low and an unsure look on his face. Like he was still debating whether or not to tell me anything.
" You confuse me too, "
I felt his hand on my thigh and I glanced down. He was moving his fingers, and I took it as my cue to hold his hand. And when I did it just felt right. There was no better way to describe it.
" You said you loved me, " he whispered. I nodded my affirmation.
" Of course I did, you know that. "
" How do you love me Austin?" It was the first time he had directly asked me that. I knew it had taken a lot out of him to do so. He wasn't the type to just openly disclose his emotions or thoughts.
" What do you mean how?"
He shot me a look that warned me against playing dumb. And I could tell that he honestly wanted to hear the truth from me. But I wasn't going to make it that easy.
" I love you the same way you love me, "
" Which is?"
" A mystery only you and I are aware of. "
" Stop messing around. "
" I'm not. "
He blew out a breath, then he leaned back again the couch and I did the same. Still holding his hand.
How could he even ask me that? Whatever we had was special without us having to define it. I liked it that way,I liked how we always beat around the bush despite each knowing what was going on and what the other person was feeling am thinking. We were deceiving ourselves and we were okay with it. We were 'best friends'.
The type that made each other's hearts beat faster, who found it hard to maintain eye contact under certain situations. We were the type that held hands so freely even though it wasn't something other members of the male gender did unless they were.....
" Where's the anger? I needed that anger Austin.... why'd you have to chase it away?" He asked. Sounding honestly perplexed.
" I want you back, " I told him. He frowned and looked at me. His thoughts on my choice of words. But I meant it, as far as I was concerned, Kyle had been mine. he didn't belong to anyone else. Not even to his mom. He belonged to I and I alone and we were both aware of it.
I had told him that to his face once and his reaction had been as expected. But he had understood, despite us being too young, he had understood. In the same way I belonged to him, he belonged to me.
" I don't know why..." he began, turning to face me, and he regretted it immediately because while lying against the couch, we were somehow closer. I watched as his lovely eyes darted across my face, then they fell to my lips before he quickly glanced away.
" ...I feel like you never lost me. You're making me feel like you never let go even though you did. "
" I didn't, come on Stevens. I need you because nothing else literally makes sense. " Only we could talk in such a manner and not consider it strange.
I couldn't even see his face so it was difficult to know what he was thinking. And the silence outstretched itself for too long, but he finally spoke.
" Friends, " he said. Then he sat upright and glanced at me over his shoulder.
" Always just friends, " he added. I didn't know about the second statement....but I was willing to take what was handed to me at that moment.
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