บท 23: Chapter 21
There was a particular factor about Austin that had changed, and I didn't know whether it was okay for me to like that change. It was that display of rebellion in his eyes, that sly and cunning look which openly disclosed the fact that he didn't really care about the rules. And as he stared at me that was the look I saw the most. His hand was so warm I felt it through my shirt. He realized I had no intentions of doing what he wanted and his smirk darkened a bit,he darted that untrustworthy gaze across every aspect of my features, then he looked me in the eye and narrowed it.
" I'm waiting, " he stated. In the back of my head I knew that anyone could walk in at any moment and see us, I also knew that the kind of thoughts that would inevitably come to that person's mind would be familiar to what everyone else at school thought. So with great difficulty, I placed my hand on the one he had around me and tried to get him to let go. He didn't.
" Come on, just quit it already," I seriously told him, and I almost sighed when I felt his hold loosen. There was also great disappointment but I knew that was the most logical thing to do. But all logic disappeared when he slipped his hand under my shirt again and spread his palm flat on my skin,then he started tracing patterns with his fingertips and I shook my head.
" That's enough!" I went to stand but he kept me in place with his free hand on my shoulder. A satisfied look on his face because nothing fazed him. He was enjoying himself immensely while my mind was tangled up.
" It's just a peck Stevens, why so nervous?" He asked, then he turned his face to the side once more and asked me to go ahead. I couldn't even imagine myself doing something like that. Ages ago? maybe, but not now. We weren't who we used to be.
I thought of a new way to approach the situation.
" You're friends with Miles, right?"
The question clearly confused him. He turned to face me, then he shrugged and asked me why I was interested.
" Jealous? "
I scoffed. Hating the fact that I could sense truth in that, I was still curious about those two. I had seen them together at school almost everyday, and each time they seemed to be busy conversing, apart from me, Miles was the only other person Austin seemed to tolerate talking with. Which naturally made me wonder about the context of their relationship. Although I was sure it wasn't what I thought. But still...my stupid self didn't like seeing him chat so naturally with another person.
" Just answer me, you're friends, right?"
He glanced at the ceiling, seeming deep in thought, then he shrugged again.
" I suppose you could say that. "
I swallowed and glanced down when he gently traced his fingertip around my bellybutton. My eyes wide and nervousness wrapping itself around me like a very uncomfortable blanket. The fact that he seemed so calm and at ease only made things worse because it made it clear I was the only one who was being affected.
" Okay, and would you ask Miles to do what you're asking me to?"
The response came immediately.
" Of course not!"
" Then why are you asking me? We're not even friends, "
That obviously angered him, he grit his teeth, but he decided to let it pass.
" You want me to spell it out, don't you? " that smirk was back in place when he asked me that.
" I wouldn't mind if you would, "
" Liar, of course you would. And I won't do it because you're just pretending you don't Know, "
" Know what?"
" You have five seconds, after which I won't be trusted to be as reasonable, "
" You've never been reasonable. "
" Five..." He began counting down. His hand on my skin was doing things to me, things I preferred not to think of because it just felt weird and strange. He got to three and I grew weary, he'd made it clear that he was going to do whatever he felt like. He believed that I couldn't do anything about it. And judging from his look, he was actually hoping I wouldn't do anything so that he'd have a reason to do something even crazier. I frowned and asked him to stop.
" Two, " he said, then he turned to the side again and waited. And I was still in conflict until his hand once more creeped down to my waistband and I felt his fingers on my zipper. I panicked and struggled to stand again. Wondering why he was always doing that.
" The fuck is wrong with you?!" I demanded. He arched a brow and said he was getting to one so I better make up my mind.
" Let go!"
" Not until you do as asked. "
I held both his upper arms and tried to push him away.
" The more you keep this up the more I'm convinced.."
He left his statement at that but we both knew what he meant. And I wasn't comfortable with it. But it was also pretty clear that there was only one way to get him to let me be. Taking in a deep breath, I let it out, then I reigned in all my strength and looked him in the eye.
" I hate you! " I very intensely informed him, then I quickly kissed his cheek and leaned back. He smiled, slowly letting go of me and leaning against the counter beside me, his eyes on the space behind me.
" That wasn't so hard now, was it? "
" Don't talk to me!"
He laughed,then he all of a sudden grew serious and reached out, angling me to face him once more. And he just stared at me for a few seconds before saying.
" You're acting like you've never done that before. Or have you forgotten Stevens?"
I frowned, not sure of what he meant..then it slowly came back to me and I felt like hitting myself on the head.
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" Stevens?"
Austin's concerned voice as he called out my name. Then I heard his soft footsteps as he walked into the empty class I had chosen to hide in. We hadn't talked that entire day, even when his mom had picked me up in the morning, I had been quiet. He had kept asking me what was wrong but there was no way I could tell him. I couldn't tell anyone.
I immediately pulled down my sleeves and turned to face the wall.
He got to where I was and then he stood beside me.
" Are you okay?"
He was really worried. I hated that I was worrying him,and that was why I was staying away. I just needed to stay someplace quiet for sometime and then I'd feel better.
" What's wrong?" He shifted to stand in front of me. His palms on the desk's surface and a worried look on his face. When I didn't reply, he leaned in. Then he very slowly reached out and I felt him place a fingertip on my cheek before he withdrew. I turned to find him staring at his hand, and then he looked up at me and narrowed his gaze.
" Why are you crying? What happened?"
I hadn't even realized that I was, I used the back of my hand to wipe the tears away, feeling awful because I never wanted him to see me cry. Anyone but him.
" Was it that kid again? Did he do--"
I shook my head. He had almost gotten suspended last time because of me, I didn't want the same thing to happen again. Plus he was wrong, that wasn't the reason why I was upset.
" Then what?"
He asked, then he stopped talking and his eyes fell to my arms, and not much later he reached over and held them.
" Stop that, you'll hurt yourself!" He said, making me realize that I had been scratching again. He had just recently picked up on that and it clearly wasn't something he liked.
Then he gave me this look which was like a silent plea, like he was using his eyes to ask me what was wrong. I felt even worse, then I sighed and wiped away more tears.
" I don't wanna talk, " I whispered. I really didn't feel like saying anything because I was sure I'd just end up feeling worse. All I wanted was to stay there and see if I'd manage to calm down. Austin nodded.
" Fine then, you don't have to talk if you don't want to. "
I was grateful for that. And I got why we were friends.
" Can I stay here then? I promise to be quiet. "
I glanced around the class. It was lunch break and I wondered whether he had eaten, knowing he hadn't because we always ate lunch together.
" Sure, " I curtly stated. Then I placed my arms on the desk and rested my head on top, closing my eyes and trying to make that terrible feeling go away. Hating the fact that my mom always chose to date the worst type of men. The one from last night had tightly gripped me by my arms that morning and pushed me against the wall because I had refused to make him breakfast. But I didn't know how to make breakfast so how had it been my fault?
I heard Austin as he picked up a chair and placed it next to mine, then he sat down and remained still. Some minutes later I felt his arms around me. I liked that feeling, it was making the sadness go away. I felt him as he placed his own head next to mine on the desk, I could feel his warm breath on my cheek. Even and relaxing. And I don't know why but I moved closer to him and sighed. My eyes remained closed for the most while,but when I did open them it was to come face to face with him. He was staring at me with THAT look again. The one he always wore before he started to mess around with me in that way that I didn't like. But this time there was something different about it, I didn't know what. All I knew was that I didn't feel like fleeing from him.
" You can cry if you want, " he whispered. I shook my head. His arm tightened around me and he inched even closer.
And there was this instance when he just stared at me, then he blinked and diverted his eyes. And I didn't know what to say so I just kept quiet. But it was Austin, eventually, despite the situation, he always said something. Being quiet for too long always bothered him.
" You know, you're actually really cute. Have I ever told you that?"
Was he joking? He seemed too serious to be making fun of me. And for once I didn't ask him to stop with the teasing. I smiled and looked away. Hoping that I wasn't really blushing because it felt like I was.
" I don't like seeing you upset, " he later on admitted. I looked at him again, saw the truth of his words in his eyes. He wasn't even trying to hide it, then I felt his hand as it shifted to my hair and he smiled sweetly. He was really close, and there was something I suddenly felt like doing but didn't know how to. I also didn't know why I wanted to do it. But he was close, and he made me feel safe... actually, Austin made me feel a lot of different things. And for the longest while I just looked at his neck, then the bell rang and he glanced up. I thought of other students walking in and I knew it would be best if we left.
" Do you feel better now?" He asked.
I didn't reply, instead I slowly sat up, then I looked around the class again. He did the same, waiting for me to answer, starting to worry because silence would mean I didn't feel better.
" Austin?"
I called out to him even though he was seated right there, my voice low and unsure.
" Yeah?"
I hang my head, then I took in a deep breath, and without thinking about it, I leaned towards him and kissed his cheek. And then I drew back and stared at him. Realizing that it hadn't been enough, I wanted....I blinked and shook my head. Standing up afterwards and pretending I hadn't just done that. I was waiting for him to make one of his usual comments, but it never came. He also stood and withdrew his hand from his cheek where it had gone to touch the spot I had kissed.
" Do that again?" he hopefully requested, I chuckled and started making my way to the door. He fell into step beside me, but he never brought it up again.
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