---
I am made of dark energy. Sort of? It's so confusing. I am mass and energy. But I am Entropy. I am the dark force that is pushing space to grow and spread out against the pull of gravity, causing the universe to lose heat and energy as everything is spread out farther and farther apart as it expands at an accelerated rate. But like...how? Why? Gravity was a lie because it was ME and yet the dark energy opposing gravity was ALSO me.
I don't understand the science behind this. I can FEEL it but I can't put it into words.
It was something I noticed when I was visiting the 3rd dimension. I didn't consciously realize it until afterward while I was playing in Jessie's fountain. In the middle of another splash of water I was struck with the realization that I was simultaneously both matter AND antimatter. I was both Energy AND Dark Energy.
Canon Bill had said that everything he was, he was also not. Is this what he meant? The opposing nature of my existence was terrifying to think about. If matter touches antimatter they annihilate each other from existence. How the fuck did I still exist?!
Jessie looked worried when I stopped my cheerful frolicking to stare off into the distance, pale and terrified. "Miz? Are you alright?"
I was shaking as I clung to Jessie's arm when she came closer. "Jessie..." I said in a tight voice.
"What's wrong?!" Jessie looked worried at the fear in my tone.
"How have I not destroyed myself by accident?!" I whimpered. She gives me a resigned look. "What sorts of dangerous thing did you do this time?"
"Exist."
"...I'm not touching this." She face palms, an action she wouldn't dare to do if we were being watched by anyone. Everyone was asleep right now though. It was late at night in her dimension, and the weather was perfectly calm as always.
Jheselbraum's planet had a very mild tilt facing her nearest star so the climate here was incredibly peaceful. There weren't any major seasons. The world was in a constant state of what I would consider temperate spring. Warm without being uncomfortably hot.
Right now though, I felt incredibly cold. Looks like I'm going through my not-so-regularly scheduled existential crisis. I think I get one every few billion years or so. Regardless I rocked back and forth while I babbled about the process of atomic construction and molecular annihilation.
"How am I holding myself together?! How have I not imploded into oblivion?! The contradiction of my existence is-"
Jheselbraum dumps a bucket of water over my head. "Miz. Breathe. I'm sure you require it while you're in this form."
I slowly managed to calm down. "Ok...I'm good now...sorry..." I brushed my hair from my eyes and sighed. "Do you ever wonder if your entire existence is nothing more than a mistake?"
"I can't say that I have." Jessie sighs. "Whatever this is, I'm sure you're thinking too hard." She sits on the edge of the fountain and looks at me. "You're just stressed because you've been working too hard. Maybe take a break?"
"Ax said that too. Said I shouldn't make Deals that often." I keep quiet about how nice it feels when I pull off a particularly good Deal. Eclipsa's was great. I wonder how she's doing? I should go visit Queen. See if the two are getting along, I know Eclipsa's people were pretty racist against things that didn't look like them...
---
"So she's doing ok?" I asked as I fluttered along beside Queen in the form of a butterfly.
"Oh she's a very bright girl, a real delight to talk to. We chatted for a bit and she wished to know about my perspective on a few matters." Queen sighs. "She's much too young to be forced to run her kingdom but I'm sure she'll do well. She's intelligent and strong willed as well."
"That's good." I fluttered over to rest on Queen's arm. "Do you want me to bring Xanthar here? It's been a while since you've hung out."
"I do miss him, but it's nice to have some time with you too. In fact, I was wondering if you'd accompany me to Hela."
"The silverfish capital? What for?"
Queen frowns. "We have not had any contact with them for so long. I'm actually worried. What few people who have gone in AND came back out seem to be driven mad."
She looks at me intently. "Do you know what's happening in their kingdom?"
I flickered a few times before frowning. "No triangles...that is a problem..." I couldn't see inside that kingdom. This irked me because I've gotten so used to being able to just 'look up' whatever information I wanted from the multiverse (imagine if Google went down, that's how I feel right now). There were innumerable triangles I've planted throughout the multiverse but even I don't manage everywhere. It was frustrating whenever I discover a blind spot.
This needs to be fixed.
"Alright. Field trip!" I fluttered happily after Queen as she takes off into the air to fly. Having wings was weird, I'm used to simply floating everywhere. It was a long journey which required many pit stops to refuel at the many flowers covering the planet. There was some normal looking flowers that almost resembled the kinds I remember from my first life but the vast majority were gigantic and exotic blooms of all shapes and colors.
And I do mean colors. I can See in the ultraviolet spectrum if I squint and it's pretty cool. Actually I can see in multiple spectrums. It's how I manage to so easily hack into satellite and radio waves, I can see them and redirect them. I've even got an infrared function that I can turn on and off. My eye is weird.
Wait...does this mean that CanonBill could see the invisible ink in Ford's journals that whole time? Huh...
---
In retrospect, I should have realized the kingdom of silverfish would have...silverfish.
"Aaaaahhhhh!!! Getitaway!! Getitaway!!!"
I sobbed as I clung to the side of Queen's head. She allowed it with more grace than I thought possible as we were surrounded. All around us were silverfish aliens, as large as Queen and numbering in the thousands. I had my eye clamped shut so I didn't have to look at them. They're so creepy!
"Hello. I do not mean any harm, I was simply worried about the state of this kingdom." Queen says calmly, her diplomatic nature shining through. The silverfish around us chittered in a different dialect than what I've learned from most inhabitants of this planet.
Despite my fear I couldn't help perking up in interest at the thought of learning a new language to add to my impressive repertoire. I reached out my consciousness to the nearest insect while keeping my eye closed. Scanning...
Oh...oh dear. Oh shit. My eye snaps open. "Queen. We need to get out of here. Now." She doesn't question me, whipping her wings open and taking off into the air with a powerful gust of wind. The insectoids below us screech angrily and throw spears, which I deflected. Once we were far from danger I sighed.
"What have you found out? What has happened to those people?" Queen asks, fluttering in place. I shiver. "Toxins and insanity."
A new species of flower evolved a few centuries back, it was beautiful to look at and smelled enchantingly lovely. They didn't notice the poison until it was too late. An insidious neurotoxin breathed in from the flower's spores when it prepares for seeding. It tore their minds apart.
Small miracles that the flower was fragile and couldn't spread very far. The people living around it, breathing it in, could still function as living creatures but higher cognitive thought had been effectively destroyed. The very last thing the Queen of Hela managed before she succumbed to its effects were to close her kingdom's borders. She quarantined herself and all her people inside so that this wouldn't spread.
I explained this all to Queen and she looked devastated. "Is there any way to help them?"
"I'm not risking you anywhere near there. The silverfish can't fly and they can't escape their country borders. It's been contained for these last few centuries and that's not gonna change anytime soon."
"Is there any way YOU could help them?" Queen asks softly. I wince. "I could go in and destroyed every one of those flowers and probably every other plant life as well in case of contamination. I won't be able to fix the people. They've been living like this for multiple generations now, I can't fix them because there's nothing to fix, they were born under its effects."
Queen's feelers dropped. She was deep in thought. "Would you please destroy the flowers anyway? Even if you can't help the people, perhaps...in time they will recover on their own..." I looked away uncomfortably.
This would require a lot of work. I can't do this pro-bono, not if I'm doing it with the intent to HELP people. My powers didn't like that. But...if I was simply setting things on fire because I was angry...
"What's the most annoying thing you can think of?"
Queen stares in confusion. "What?"
"I need to get mad. Just...list off things that piss you off." I was already imagining Time Baby's face. It wasn't enough, I need something that REALLY irked me.
"Um...when someone promises they'll do something important for you and then forget to..."
Good start. I start listing off things out loud too. "When you've wrapped up all the syrup dispensers and a customer walks in to order 5 milkshakes right before closing time!"
"When the people you're negotiating with don't listen to what you're saying at all." Queen frowns as she thinks of it.
"When you rip off a sticker and there's just a huge swatch of it left behind!"
"When the merchant buys your necklace for a low price because he claims that it's been used and therefore the value has gone down but then sells it to the next person for triple the price because it's an antique!" Queen was really getting into it now.
"When you've just finished organizing the shelf so everything is perfectly neat and tidy and then a customer comes in, pulls out all the shirts from the bottom of the pile and dumps them haphazardly all over the store! And then leaves without EVEN BUYING ANYTHING!!"
I turn red and screech, the air around me bursting into flame as I fly down into the kingdom below us. The destruction was truly impressive. My darker half was confused as fuck about how to feel. On one hand, helping people, on the other hand, I just set the whole kingdom on fire. It settled for feeling oddly satisfied and content.
I panted heavily as I slumped over in a blackened crater. My bricks were twitching and pulsing faintly with all the thermal heat I was forced to 'eat' in order to keep the people from dying. Ugh. Ow. Ok, setting an entire kingdom on fire...almost forgot to take into account the incredibly high levels of oxygen on this planet. I had to absorb more energy from that fire than I originally thought.
Setting fires on oxygen rich worlds were...incredibly dangerous. Even the smallest spark ended up stronger and hotter, more likely to slip out of my control. But it was also why I needed to use fire to do this. Kill off EVERYTHING and use the ashes to rebuild. I groaned. All around me were screaming silverfish with surface burns. I shivered and tried very hard not to look at them.
I made sure to absorb any fire in the atmosphere to prevent my flames from spreading or harming too much of the surrounding environment. Despite that, a thoroughly unhappy (and mildly burnt) Queen landed heavily beside me. She coughed and brushed some charcoal dust off herself. "Well...not sure what I was expecting but that was...quite intense." She winced a little. Her wings were charred along the edges. She didn't have nerves there so it didn't hurt but she wouldn't be able to fly properly until they healed.
"Yeah sorry...might have gone a little too far..." I rolled over to flop onto my back. "Here, let me just..." I healed her wings. I had plenty of energy to spare after all.
"...I feel like I probably should have worded my request a little better..." Queen sighs as she looks at the screaming, panicking silverfish around us. "Can we get out of here?" I groan and lift myself back into the air. "Right..." We blink out of there, leaving the burnt insectoids running around.
For obvious reasons, Queen wanted to go home and sleep off the rest of the day. I let her and Blinked away to leave her to it.
---
Amorphous Shape followed Keyhole to school.
I should have realized he would do this. I did put the idea in his head. The two of them seemed to get along pretty well actually. Ammy asked him all sorts of questions about school and Keyhole tried his best to answer them. I might have followed them around invisibly for the day.
The faculty wanted to question Ammy's presence here but were too afraid to tell him to leave when he nonchalantly mentioned being my son. I watched in amusement as some other kids approached the two of them during lunch. Ammy pulled out some food from a block he left back home in the kitchen.
A Lockin with a head like a combination lock comes up to the two of them. "Um...are you really Bill Cipher's son?"
Ammy was tearing apart a dark green vegetable that looked like a more bulbous broccoli. He liked ripping food into tiny pieces. Not even for easier eating, he just liked feeling food. Something about enjoying the texture...
Anyway, he blinks his many eyes at the other kid and looks at Keyhole for help. I frown a little. Ammy really needed to practice talking to people other than us. I have been severely lacking in his upbringing for not noticing this. Keyhole sees Ammy's hesitation to respond to the student. "Hey, Ammy? He's talking to you..."
Ammy turns to stare at the student. "Yes. Bill is my mother."
Both Keyhole and the other student (their name was Padlock) gasps. "Mo-mother?! Bill's a girl?!" Keyhole stares in shock. Ammy blinks slowly. "Bill is a hermaphrodite."
"What?!" Keyhole chokes on air. I float behind him invisibly and try not to laugh. Why does everyone react like this to the news that I'm both male and female?
"Wait...if Bill's your mother...then who's your father?" Keyhole asked.
"Bill is." Ammy says as he turns back to his 'food', twisting off another piece of the vegetable. Keyhole looks confused. "Wait so...what?!"
"Bill is both my parents. He created me on his own." Ammy shrugs, placing a piece of food into his stomach block. "O-oh..." Keyhole nods slowly. "Is that how your species does it?"
"I dunno. I was an accident." Ammy says without any shame. "But Bill hasn't really talked about how his species normally reproduce so I wouldn't know if my creation is normal or not."
"Accident?" Keyhole says sadly. Ammy shrugs. "It's not a big deal. Bill has always taken good care of me. Besides, neither of us really thought of our relationship as parent and child until recently."
"Wait...what?!" Poor Keyhole just looked more and more confused.
"He means that he hadn't accepted me as his parent until just a few years ago." I speak up, causing Keyhole to jump (Padlock screamed and ran away). "Was it a few years? Sorry, I have trouble keeping track of time sometimes..." It's been CENTURIES from my point of view after all.
"Bill! What are you doing here?" Keyhole gasps. I shrug. "I was bored so I came to check up on you two. Are you having fun in school Ammy?"
"It has so far been an agreeable experience. The teachers talk so much. How do they not run out of things to say?" Ammy nods and questions.
I pull up a chair to sit with them. After getting over his shock, Keyhole settles down as well. We chat until lunch ends and I follow them to class. The atmosphere was tense. The teachers were frightened but the other kids were more curious than anything else.
I had fun raising my hand and bouncing excitedly in my chair to answer questions and ask a few of my own. Whenever they couldn't answer one of my questions I would go to the front of the class and take over, explaining the subject matter in more detail than the teacher ever could.
Often times I even fixed mistakes in the textbooks. "How outdated is this thing? It says that the Gozleck rebellion ended when the leaders came to a compromise about how to deal with the dwindling water situation. I KNOW for a FACT that's bullshit."
"E-excuse me sir. You can't just-" the teacher winced.
"Lady, I was THERE. I saw how shit went down. The rebellion ended because the government nuked the rebel's home base. Then they covered up what happened for the sake of their own reputations." Historic revisionism at it's finest.
The students certainly seemed interested in learning the gritty truth. I had a lot of fun indulging in my 'teacher-mode' as I answered questions and threw chalk at people when they misbehave. "Hey asshole. Sit your ass down and LEARN some shit!" I screeched at a kid who tried to sneak out of the room.
I feel like some kids learned shit today.
Keyhole came over for dinner. We made our Deal to be friends from now until the end of time. He informed me that he wanted to graduate school before officially moving in. I told him that was fine and he was free to come over whenever he wanted, I keyed him into our teleporter so he could simply tap his necklace onto any teleport pad to get here.
I also not-so-subtly made myself part of the teaching staff at Keyhole's school. Since I was doing a better job keeping the kids interested in the lessons the faculty were at a loss for what to do. I noticed a few Federation officers positioned around the school and sighed. I was just here because I was bored. I didn't want to cause real problems for the students.
"Can you guys leave? I'm not harming anyone." I growled in irritation. They held their guns silently and glared at me. Looks like these guys were a little more well trained. I scoff. "Whatever. You can sit through my lessons too but if you shoot any of these children I will eat you." They seemed less trigger happy than Alseph was but I still put Ammy into a protective bubble.
One student grumbled while leaning back in his chair "What kind of demon teaches history and math?" I flicked my fingers to move his chair back to its proper position. "A bored one. If you rather I alleviate my boredom by tearing out chunks of your planet to play cosmic jenga, that can easily be arranged."
The officers twitched. The kid actually stares me down condescendingly. "Sschyeah right. You're all talk. If you were gonna kill us all you would have done it already." He folds his arms. "When was the last time you've even done anything?"
"Kid, I set a whole kingdom on fire a few weeks ago." The officers twitched again. A few students shifted nervously in their seats. Keyhole pales slightly.
"Suuure~"
I was starting to get annoyed with this. I flicked my fingers and projected a video of what went down in Hela. The kids watched all of Hela go up in flames. The kid scoffs. "Lame~this could have been faked~"
"Are you seriously trying to taunt me into doing something terrible to you?" I asked him.
"I think you're all talk. Maybe the Federation just pretends you're a threat so our parents can tell us horror stories about you to scare us into behaving." The kid shoots back.
I was gonna retort but then I thought about it. "That DOES sound like something they would do. Pick out someone as a scapegoat to blame all the world's problems on so they can control the population using their collective fear of that entity..."
Is THAT why Time Baby makes no effort to correct peoples assumptions of me? Well I know he ACTUALLY thinks I'm SUPPOSED to be evil but still...
"You know, that is an interesting point of view that I hadn't considered before. Just for that, I'm only going to rip out half your teeth for disrespecting me." I tell him cheerfully.
He blinks in confusion. "Wha-?" He cries out as half his teeth twist themselves out of his gums and fly over to my hand. "Here kid-" I turn to another student (she was texting under her desk, thought I wouldn't notice but I did) "-teeth! For you!" I laugh as I dropped the teeth in front of her. She screams and backs away from them.
The officers moved. "You sick son of a-" one of them growls before shooting at me. I ducked the shot and it blasted through the top of my hat. There was a splatter of blood behind me on the wall and the remains of my hat continued bleeding out down my plane. The students screamed and ducked under their desks, trembling.
I narrow my eye at the horrified officers even as my hat falls to the ground with a sickening 'squelsh' sound. "You killed my hat." I said quietly. On the ground, my hat let out a choked gasp of air before falling silent.
"That thing's ALIVE?!" An officer yelps. He was staring at the bleeding black object in absolute disgust and terror. I relished in the feeling. Of course my hat wasn't actually alive. It wasn't even normally this gross. I just like scaring people. Hilarious!
"I understand why you shot me. I harmed a student. But he'll grow those teeth back by the end of the day if he behaves. This is just a simple punishment." I put my hands on my wide hips with a pout. "But you didn't have to kill my hat. Now I have to grow a new one."
I secretly loved the realization/disgust on their faces that my hats were organic. I'm bullshitting of course. Pranks with Bill Cipher! That should be a show.
"Y-you monster..." The officer trembled as he points his gun towards me again. I laugh and flick my fingers, his gun crumbling into dust in his hands. "Why am I the monster when you're the one who just killed an innocent hat? For shame." I tutted.
I narrow my eye at the class. "Get back in your seats. We've got another standard galactic half hour of math to sit through. I'm not assigning homework but there will be a test."
Ammy didn't appear phased by what has just occurred but Keyhole was rather pale. His fear upset me but it was understandable. He shakingly raises his hand, the other clutching the necklace I gave him. "Um...sir?" He asks. The other kids stare at him.
"Yes Keyhole? Also you don't have to call me sir. Just Bill or sensei is fine."
"Why did you set that kingdom on fire?" He was obviously scared but he still asked, even as he trembled.
My expression softened. "Because there was a species of toxic flower whose spores drove people mad. It'd grown out of control and had overtaken the entire country. A friend asked me to get rid of them, so I did."
Keyhole relaxes. A soft smile. "You did it for a friend?"
"Yup." I wave my hand and my hat sucks in all the blood and flesh along the floor and walls to reform itself. I pick it up off the floor, brush it off and place it back on my head. "A good friend."
"And...if I asked you to do something?" Keyhole asks. I grin at him. "It'll depend on the request but you're my friend too Keyhole."
He sits up in his chair. "Please give Clack his teeth back?"
Clack, shivering and covering his mouth in pain, looks up at Keyhole in amazement. I turn my gaze to the half toothless Lockin. "....fine. But only because you asked. If he disrupts class again I will be dealing out punishments."
"That's fine. Thank you Bill."
As I fixed Clack's teeth, all the students were staring at Keyhole in awe. Respect, gratitude and other such emotions pouring out of them. There was a powerful thought running through everyone's minds. 'This is the power someone has as one of Bill Cipher's friends. They can have a whole kingdom destroyed or request his mercy.'
I know the officers, horrified that I could literally turn their weapons into dust with a flick of my fingers (and realizing that I could just as easily do that to THEM), were going to update my profile in the Federation records.
[Bill Cipher's friends have the power to make requests of him without having to pay for a Deal. They have the power to ask him to destroy whole countries. They can even make Cipher reverse injuries he has inflicted on others. Urgent. Need to compile more information on Cipher's friends. Cipher, while dangerous, is a neutral creature with no true affiliations or grudges with any organization. While he is destructive, he is easily distracted and doesn't go out of his way to disrupt Federation rule. There is a new danger that if any of Cipher's friends has a grudge against the Federation, we could all be destroyed. Known criminal Hectorgon confirmed to be one of Cipher's friends. Suggested course of action, beg for Hectorgon's mercy such that he never has the idea of requesting the downfall of the Federation.]
Class went a lot more smoothly. No one dared speak up, which meant I had to outright tell them they were allowed to ask questions if they wanted to know or clarify something about the subject matter. When they still proved too afraid to speak up I said that asking relevant questions was a sigh of a good student who was willing to learn and I appreciate that. I got a few hands being raised after that.
---
"So? How is it? Being a teacher?" Pyronica asks over lunch. The two of us were having a little lunch date together because she wanted to try picking up guys again. After realizing there was a high possibility she would outlive her people, Pyronica decided it was time she actually found a mate to pass on her genetics. She wasn't really big on the idea of raising a child but I offered to help if she DOES have a kid ("Grandbabies?! Yeeees!!!").
I was in Pytoria's form for the first time in millennia. "It's been great actually. I can check that off on my bucket list of childhood dreams I've made come true." I sipped on my Snalock juice. Ooh~tastes like hazelnuts.
"Any other childhood dreams you've got?" Pyronica asks, looking over at the people walking along the street. We were on her homeworld, Cyclopians of all colors around us. I blushed and looked around too. "Oh just the usual stuff...becoming a cyborg princess ballerina, discovering a new species of dinosaur, finding my soulmate, getting married and adopting lots of puppies, me as a child had very strange ideas of what she wanted when she grew up."
Pyronica laughs uproariously. "You as a child sounds AMAZING! Princess ballerina? Really?"
"Yeah well, I settled for teacher when people told me princesses weren't really a 'thing' I could be." I flushed. "Also, I didn't know that getting married involved...gross stuff back then..."
Pyronica grows quiet. "And none of those dreams were allowed. Your government didn't even allow you to find 'love'?"
I know I was mixing backstories but it didn't make enough of a difference to correct her. So I shrugged. "I don't actually know if True Love is even a thing. Love is a chemical reaction inside your brain that forces your body to react to outside stimulus in a way indistinguishable from an obsessive compulsive desire to breed."
"That's a depressing way to think about it." Pyronica groans. "Don't depress me while I'm trying to find a mate."
"Sorry Ronica..."
"Lets just focus of finding me a nice man. Ok?" Pyronica shook off the heavy thoughts and went back to looking around us. I sighed. Does this really work? Just looking at people?
Something moved and I reached out to grab an arrow filled with dust.
The arrow stopped in its tracks right near Pyronica's head. She didn't notice, her gaze still scanning the crowd passing by the outdoor restaurant we were at. I narrowed my eye at the arrow and followed its trajectory back to whoever shot it. A large almost human looking creature curses and flies away. I growl. What the fuck?! Someone just tried to shoot my best friend.
"I'll be right back..." I tell her as the arrow crumpled into dust. I brush it off my hand and get up from our table. Pyronica, having no idea what had just occurred, shrugs. "Sure."
I power walk away from our table, tracking the person I saw. As angry as I was about someone attempting to shoot Pyronica, I was confused. Despite how that shot would have been lethal in any other situation, the arrow was weak, made for the purpose of disintegrating upon impact without causing harm. That dust on it was confusing too.
Some kind of chemicals that seem to mess with someone's head. Serotonin inhibitors...dopamine enhancers...ugh. I shake my hand, even though I knew this wouldn't effect me unless I breathed it in or had it injected into my bloodstream, it still creeped me out.
I flew up above the buildings and caught up to the alien I was pursuing. Upon getting a proper look at it I froze in surprise. "Love god?!"
He looked startled before puffing up "Oh? So you've heard of me?" He preened even as I stared at him deadpan. "Sorry miss but I don't do requests. For I am..."
He strikes a dramatic pose. "-a professional!"
I slap him across the face.
"What were you trying to do to my friend?" I snarled. He whimpered at my fury.
"I-I was doing my job...I'm a god of love...I sensed that she was looking for it so I was gonna match her up with someone..."
"So you were going to force her to love some random person?! How DARE you!" The black flames along my arms and legs flared up. Love potions sucked. They messed with people's heads. Only I'M allowed to do that!
"Not force! Never force!" He shakes his head quickly. "True love can't be achieved by artificially making people love each other! My potions just make people aware of their own feelings! They all wear off after 3 hours!" I calmed a little.
"They wear off. You're sure?"
"Y-yes! I would never force people to love each other against their will! I just pair up people that I know would go well together and my potions just make the process easier..." He whimpered.
I narrowed my eye at him as he shrunk in on himself. Finally I sighed. He's not lying. Besides, as a god of love, he probably knew better than I would about this kind of thing. "So does that mean Pyronica's soul mate was walking by at that moment? Have I...ruined things for her?"
Noticing my distress Love God shook his head. "Naw, it's fine. Pairing up Cyclopians are a little different compared to other races. It's a waste of effort to make you people love each other just to eat each other, no offense or anything."
"None taken." I shrugged.
"So I tend to pair your race via 'willingness to eat or be eaten' it saves me a lot of trouble and prevents heartbreak from a pair who love each other's company and are forced apart by their own biological instincts." The Love God sighs. "It wasn't such a problem back before you Cyclopians evolved to feel emotional connections. Back in the old days you just found mates with traits required for survival and went from there..."
I relax a little. "So...you don't mess with people's free will?"
"I would never!" Love God gasps.
I rubbed my arm sheepishly. "Um...sorry for slapping you...I thought you were trying to harm my friend..."
He waves me off. "It's fine miss, not the first time I've been slapped." He smiles "Well if you'll excuse me, I need to get back to my work."
"You do that. Oh, wait, one last question."
"Yeah?" He asks while standing on the edge of the building with his wings spread out.
"Is true love a real thing? Is it possible to find your soul mate?" The romantic in me wanted to know even as the skeptic in me thought the idea of a soul mate was bullshit. "Do I have a soul mate out there somewhere?" I doubt it. Even disregarding the fact that I was an immortal demon of chaos, me being Zyun-Jan would already mean that even if I HAD a soul mate, they were long gone in another dimension.
He lowers his wings and stares at me. "I don't know about soul mates but love is real. It's not always romantic in nature but everyone out there has someone who would love them truly. Often times you never meet them but that's why I exist. I try to help them meet. Help them find each other and take notice." He looked determined. He knows his purpose and he was proud of his job.
"Do I have someone? You don't have to tell me who it is, I just want to know if there's even anyone out there for me..." I ask quietly. I think he saw the longing in my eye. He sighs. "I can tell you're not looking for a mate. You want someone who'll simply love you for you."
He stretches out and swings his arms around. I can hear his bones pop as he stretches. He stands up, striking another pose and stares at me. Despite the ridiculous position he was standing in (arms outstretched with his fingers forming a circle as he stood on one leg), his expression was perfectly serious.
"..." He looks confused. "You're...not a Cyclopian..." He frowns. "A shapeshifter? That doesn't matter, true love doesn't have anything to do with species..." His leg trembles as he tries to hold his ridiculous pose. Finally he collapses.
I'm too bemused to really say anything. The love deity groans and gets back up. "You definitely have SOMEONE out there for you. But I keep getting weird signals, I can't tell WHO they are." He tells me. "Sorry. I can't help you any more than that."
I try to hide my disappointment. "Yeah, that's fine..."
I flinch when he gives me a soft pat on the shoulder. "Hey, don't worry so much. Most people never find their one true love but they can still find Love in their life."
"So Love is real? It really exists?" I ask hesitantly. He nods with a serious look. "I wouldn't be here if it didn't." he says simply.
I couldn't really refute that. I watched silently as he takes off into the sky, flying off to find more people to pair up together. I couldn't help but envy him. For your very existence to revolve around something as wonderful as helping people find happiness...
I wiped my tears before I could go too far down that thought. No use coveting that which I could never have. He has his purpose. I have mine. I turned to slide down the side of the building and get back to Pyronica. Perhaps the Love God went after her again.
---
Pyronica hasn't found anyone but it hasn't stopped the two of us from going on more lunch dates as we critiqued the men around us. She's flirted with quite a few males but to my embarrassment and Pyronica's amusement, most of the men seem more interested in me.
"I'd love to be eaten by you." One guy told me in what he probably thought was a seductive tone. I just hid behind Pyronica while groaning. This wasn't working. Also, gross~
"Why do they all gravitate towards ME?!" I wailed to Pyronica as we head home. I've shifted back into my triangle form just to stop guys from hitting on me. She just keeps laughing. I give her a playful shove. "It's not funny!!"
"It's because you're so adorable Bill~" she snorts. She catches her breath and straightens up with a sigh. "I'm kinda jealous." She pouts. "It's not fair that they all like you more. You literally look just like me aside from your color." She gives me a shrewd look. "I guess your complete lack of interest in them made you seem like you're playing hard to get? I know some guys find that pretty hot."
"Ugh..."
We head home where I set to work making dinner. My thoughts weren't on my task. I was thinking of what the Love God had told me several months ago. I apparently DID have someone just for me. But he couldn't get a clear idea of who or what that would be. Perhaps they hadn't been born yet? If they'd already died I'm sure he would have said so.
For a wild moment I wondered if it could be someone from Gravity Falls. I disregarded the thought. That's ridiculous. It would never happen. I decide not to think about it anymore. Keyhole was graduating soon. I wanted to make a huge dinner party to celebrate. I should ask him for what foods and stuff he likes.
---
"Hey Keyhole? I'm going grocery shopping so I just wanted to ask if you've got any allergies or-"
"I'MSORRYPLEASEFORGIVEME!"
I blink incredulously at the newest edition to our household, he's been slowly moving his stuff into his room here. Keyhole cowers over a bunch of papers filled with his handwriting. They appear to all be drafts of a letter addressed to...
"Are these love letters for Pyronica?" I ask as I pick one up. It appears to be some kind of confession that Keyhole wrote out before scribbling out and discarding.
"I'm really sorry! Please don't kill me!"
"Why...would you think that I'll kill you?!?"
"B-because Pyronica is your girl and I have these stupid feelings for her..."
"Wait. Wait. Pyronica and ME?! No way. We're not together. That's gross. She's like my sister."
"Wait...you're...not together?" Keyhole asks hesitantly.
"Heck no, where did you ever get that idea from?" Seriously. Why does everyone assume that just 'cause she's a girl and I'm (kind of) a guy that we're together? Heck, Kryptos is closer in shape to what I SHOULD be attracted to if we're just talking about basic similarity in anatomical builds and aesthetics. Not that we were compatible for any sort of relationship. Physically or otherwise.
"Well...I just thought...because you're so close and...well...you let her get away with a lot of stuff..."
"I don't let her get away from chores. Or CRUMBS. This would hold true even IF I was dating her, which I'm not."
"I mean that she insults you all the time but you don't get upset…"
"She TEASES me. There's a difference. And even if she does say something that actually hurts my feelings I'm not going to rip her apart. At worst I'll just be incredibly passive aggressive for a while."
"But you're always off on dates together?"
"Well duh! She's my best friend. We go boy hunting or shopping together so we can ask each other's opinion on clothes, Ammy is terrible at giving a proper critique and he doesn't like clothes so he doesn't bother to come anyway. Teeth wouldn't know good fashion sense if it came up to bite him, Hec's only capable of hats and ties, which to be fair, is something I don't blame him for." I ramble on in exasperation.
"Plus she loves food almost as much as I do so we go restaurant hopping a lot. Teeth comes along too. Heck, if you want to come with us you're free to do so."
"But...you send off your constructs to her room...and...well...she gets THAT smile on her face..." Keyhole blushes hard.
"Dude, Pyronica has needs. I, as a good friend, help her fulfill them but I'm not the one bedding her and I have no desire to do so. That's gross."
Keyhole looks relieved. "So...you don't mind if I try to go after Pyronica?"
"...you DO know what Pyronica does with her partners right?"
Keyhole blushes so hard I worry about his head exploding. "Well...if she doesn't actually kill or chew me up, I'm fine with being swall-"
"OKAY! TOO MUCH INFORMATION!" I cry as I hastily cut him off. "How about you and Pyronica work this out between yourselves?! I'm just gonna go throw myself into a black hole now and pretend I never had this conversation with you!"
I do just that.
The resulting destruction of my form via gravitational tearing did wonders for taking my mind off Keyhole's tastes.
---
Sometimes I shouldn't be allowed to just float in the void of space and think. Because inevitably I always end up with weird contemplations. Like today's thought of the day.
I don't have much of a libido as a triangle.
As I slowly pull my physical body back together, I just ponder the subject. I only feel a need to satisfy myself once every few years on average, random things getting me hot and bothered not withstanding. Sure I can coax my Piece out and jerk myself off but it doesn't feel as good as I remember masturbating as a human was, I needed something mentally stimulating me to 'get in the mood'. Flatlanders didn't Click for pleasure. They mate only for the purpose of reproduction and thus they don't have much of a sex drive? I didn't have much of a libido to begin with either and combined with my new physiology, it just made me even more uninterested?
I shifted into Jan's multiarmed form and felt myself up. Yeah, it feels much nicer to touch myself as a flesh creature (though it feels better if I was watching something erotic). Over the years my curiosity has led me to try and figure out how exactly that works. What things bring pleasure to different alien creatures. How orgasms even work with different species.
By this point I have a thorough understanding of how bodies are built on an atomic level. I know where nerves are, how they work and how to stimulate them. I can adjust the level of sensitivity while crafting a physical body out of the particles in the air.
When I create a body, I create an empty shell and then possess it. My true form is always just formless Energy. When I dismiss a physical body I've created, I can either harmlessly disperse it back into base particles or make it explode in a flash of light and energy. I avoid exploding. I still vividly remember exploding when I accidentally created the Big Bang and all the other times. It didn't feel nice at all. Exploding would not be a good method of orgasming. I never understood why people use 'Explosion' as a term for reaching climax. It sounded horribly painful to me.
I have perfect memory recall for everything I've learned since becoming Bill Cipher (I just need to search around inside my head for any memory I need). I won't be able to forget the feeling of exploding even if I wanted to. Well, I COULD delete my own memories but if I've learned anything from Fruits Basket or McGucket's backstory its that removing memories is a bad idea. So I learn to live with it. It doesn't bother me unless I think about it too hard anyway.
Regardless, the point I'm trying to get at was that it's really strange to me that I'm even capable of feeling a need for sexual stimulation as a being of pure energy with no hormones and physical needs. Is it due to my human soul? My desires from back when I had a true physical body?
Philosophical questions like this should be debated with other people but who the heck am I supposed to talk about this with? Is it even important? I feel what I feel and that's just how it is? I finish reforming myself and sighed. The black hole was gone, I somehow devoured it's mass when it sucked me in.
That would explain why I felt so 'full' right now. It wasn't an issue when I was just pure energy. I could spread myself out as large as I wanted and all that extra mass I ate would be torn apart and converted into more of 'me'. But creating a physical body meant compressing all that I was down into a small space. It resulted in an uncomfortable bloated feeling and random bursts of energy leaking out.
I could make myself bigger…but I think planet-sized triangle would cause the universe to have a collective heart attack. They'll probably assume I'm going to eat a planet again.
Resolving myself to feeling full to bursting for a while until I can use up this extra energy (or making more Deals so I can comfortably store more at a time), I split myself into two, one as Bill and the other as Jan. Jan went to burn off some of this energy hosting another concert.
Bill went to go check on the state of the Earth.
—
(Archaean Eon: 3 billion years before modern day)
To try and take my mind off the latest ridiculous discovery in my weird and wacky life, I went to check on the Earth and found...
"WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED?!?!?" I screech as I stared at the frozen wasteland that used to be the Earth. How did this happen? Did I fuck something up?! I know ice ages were a 'Thing' that happened on Earth but even from here I could see that nearly all life on the planet had been wiped out.
"No. No. No! No! No!!" I frantically searched through the planet for any sign of life. What could have caused this? The oxygen. Of course. The development of creatures that photosynthesized meant that they produced Oxygen as a waste gas. So much oxygen being released into the ocean and atmosphere caused huge, catastrophic changes to the entire ecosystem. Anything that hadn't evolved to breathe oxygen (which was most life on earth because oxygen wasn't a THING before) got poisoned from these wastes gases and died out.
Then these photosynthesizing assholes took over the planet, spreading out and greedily gulping down the Carbon Dioxide everywhere. CO2 was REQUIRED to trap heat in the atmosphere. The rapid decline of these green house gases caused the Earth to freeze over. So along with the oxygen poisoning and killing off half the life on earth, the rapid freezing and lack of CO2 for the photosynthetic bacteria to breathe in cause them to die too!
God. Fucking. Dammit.
I snarled down at the planet. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck!!! I start sobbing. Why did this happen? Things were going so well too. I glared up at the huge alien satellite pretending to be the moon. I noticed it a while back, I think Time Baby sent it. He probably wanted to keep an eye on this Earth that I appeared to be so protective of.
Time Baby probably knew this would happen. I flip off the satellite, despite knowing Time Baby (or whoever he had running the thing) wouldn't be able to see me while I exist within the mindscape but it certainly made me feel a little better.
Not all hope was lost. The planet miraculously still had some signs of life. A few bacteria who have managed to survive all these intense climate changes. I just had to hold out hope that they would make it through this. I know the earth can make it through this. It HAS to. I won't be able to stand it if it didn't. I stared down at the icy planet. I screamed in frustration, vibrating my molecules as hard as I could, trying to spread my power into the physical world.
Why did I have to be cut off from the 3rd dimension? It was so unfair. I CREATED this place. It was MINE! I screamed louder and more hysterically, flailing my arms around in my rage. I threw the biggest tantrum. Jan had long since finished his concert, I very nearly had to cancel, I was so upset, but I managed to hold on long enough to finished a couple songs before sadly informing my fans that I wasn't feeling well. Jan dispersed and the two of us recombined.
I sighed tiredly. Ok. I'm done. I'm exhausted. I'm just gonna go home now.
---
"Bill! You're finally back! Where were you?!" was the first thing I heard when I materialized back into the Death Star facedown on a couch. Pyronica actually sounded worried so I flopped over and answered her "I was checking on a planet I liked. It froze over. I was quite upset." I forgot to check the time difference...um...from their POV I've been gone for almost a week.
"Oh no. And you couldn't help them? What happened to the people on the planet?" Pyronica asked sympathetically. She knows how much I love observing new or developing planets. I groaned. "This planet was in the 3rd dimension. The only place in all the multiverse in which my powers don't work. I couldn't do anything to help."
"What?!" I hear Kryptos cry. Then he was right up in my face, looking horrified. "Th-there's a dimension where your powers don't work?! How?! Where?!"
I pushed him away from my face. Personal space dude. "The 3rd dimension is the remains of where my homeworld used to be. For whatever reason, my powers don't work properly there. I've never really thought about why. Ax said something about my consciousness being disconnected from my physical body?" I shrugged. "Look, it's not important. What's been happening since I was gone?"
"Not much really. Keyhole's been acting weird though." Pyronica shrugs.
I immediately turn orange and start coughing.
Yeah, no. Not touching that with a 6 foot pole.
—
Keyhole's graduation came and went. I would have thought it would be more memorable but it was a simple graduation without much excitement. The after party though…
"""Chug. Chug. Chug.""" Teeth, Pyronica and Ammy chanted as Keyhole downed another glass of alcohol. I groaned. "No! No chug! I swear if your liver shuts down I'm not fixing it!" I twirled my martini in annoyance. "I still can't believe you guys insisted on beer. What's so great about fermented bread?!"
Kryptos gave me a sympathetic look. He was sipping slowly from a glass of Nebula Ale himself. I like making sure there was a variety to choose from. I continued ranting. "I even went out of my way to get some Time Punch! Actual Cosmic Sand stolen from right under Time Baby's fat nose! And they all asked for BEER!"
I toss back my martini. "And it's not even something good like Pear Beer or some other fruity type beer! It's just plain bread! Just…bread, yeast and hops in water!"
Hectorgon nods as I complain. "Truly they have no taste when it comes to such things." He was drinking the Time Punch. He was also rapidly aging and de-aging due to the Cosmic Sand. My Deal with him ensured he would never die of old age during this process no matter how old he got. The Deal also protects him from de-aging out of existence. Time was weird. He sputtered when the temporal distortions stablized and he turned back to normal. "What the heck?!"
"Yeah, it does that. Don't worry, after the first sip it stops doing that." I assure him.
Kryptos gave Hectorgon many worried looks. He gave the punch bowl full of Time Punch an even more worried look. Xanthar was splashing around in a pool of Vodka. I start laughing. "Hey you know? If we poured yeast on Xanthar…would he become beer?" I asked.
"I doubt it. Xanthar's a living creature so if the yeast start trying to eat him I'm sure he'd find a problem with that." Kryptos sighs.
"Oh…" I go get myself a cup of Time Punch. "I wonder if I should try bottling my own wine and shit? I've helped Tonio's family do it for generations so it's not like I don't have any experience with it…"
"That sounds pretty cool." Kryptos says to me before recoiling when I burst into tears. "B-bill?!"
"Toni~why did you leave me you asshole?!" I wailed. "Jorgio's just not the saaaaame~"
Kryptos looked incredibly put upon when I started ugly crying into him. "There…there…" He comforts me with a deadpan expression. The rest of the night passed in a blur. I feel like Keyhole's graduation/moving-in party went well.
—