บท 49: 49. Chapter 49
Kate and Castle wind up in the kitchen while the kids hog the bed, talking to their sister on skype. She makes a peanut butter and jelly sandwich while Castle stares into the fridge. She drops the knife into the sink and takes a bite, then pushes the fridge door closed, shutting it in Castle's face.
"When you come up with a decision, then you can open it back up," she says, still in the mood to mess with him. She's got to think of a good way to get him back tonight, when they're alone.
Or maybe when they're not alone. Hmm, that could prove interesting. Still, he responds to her so quickly that it wouldn't really be right. She doesn't really want to embarrass him, just tease him a little. A lot. A whole lot.
"I've come to a decision, move out of my way, woman." He takes her by the wrist and tugs her; she goes, moving around behind his back as he opens the fridge again.
When he's ducking down to grab yogurt off the bottom shelf, Kate presses her hips to him, flush, the fingers of her free hand on his spine.
He jerks up, his head smacking into the freezer door, a yelp of pain issuing from his mouth. She tries to smother her laugh with a sympathetic noise, puts her sandwich down on the counter to pull Castle around to her.
"Oh no, sorry," she says, biting her lip. She smooths her fingers through his scalp until she hits the bump already forming. Sticky. Darn. "You're bleeding."
"I think my head hit the handle." He winces and shuts the fridge door, dropping his yogurt to the counter as well. "Ow. You are dangerous."
"Mm, I've heard that before." Kate moves him to one side, then opens the freezer, reaches in for some ice. "Here. I'll put it in a towel or something."
He cups his hands for the ice and she dumps it in, then turns and gets a dish towel from the drawer. She holds it out and he pours the ice back in the towel; she folds it up and presses it against the bump on Castle's head.
"Ow. Don't press so hard."
"Don't be a baby," she murmurs, then puts a hand on his waist to steady herself. He reaches up and takes the ice pack from her, but wraps his other arm around her shoulders, tugs her in to him.
Kate leans against his side and watches his face for a moment. "I'm sorry."
He laughs and glances down at her. "Funny way of showing it."
"I baby you and you'll whine about it all day. I know your m.o., Castle." She pauses, assessing him. "Are you okay?"
"I'm fine. You surprised me with that little move."
"I figured we were alone for the moment. . ."
"Ah, normally, I'd love that suggestion."
"But not now?" She traces the line of his sternum with her finger. It's just a bump on the head. He's fine.
"Not. . .uh. . ."
Mm, that's more like it. She smooths her thumb across his chest, feels him flinch. She might be the one who can't bear to be touched after they make love, but he's pretty sensitive himself. She slides her hand down, but he snags at her arm.
"Not-uh. Kate. That's mean."
She laughs and lifts on her tiptoes to kiss him, her mouth to his, that ripe warmth. His other arm drops from his head; she feels the ice pack against her back and gasps, breaking away from him.
"Truce," she laughs.
"I don't believe in your truces. They never last."
"I promise. Truce. You stop; I'll stop."
"We have a haunted maze in about an hour-"
"Yeah, in the daylight, Castle," she says, grinning at him. She grabs the ice pack from him and puts it against his head. "With our kids, no less. We probably won't have time or opportunity for that, even if the motive is there. My guess is that one of us is going to be chasing Dashiell as he runs away whenever something scares him."
"Not it."
"Hey!"
"Not it. I called it."
"You can't call it."
"I just did. I get the baby."
She huffs at him, narrowing her eyes. "Fine. Then I get to ask a Truth question."
"What if I wanted a dare instead?" He knocks her hand away from the ice and holds it in place himself.
Kate crosses her arms over her chest. "Truth. And then I'll take Dash duty at the haunted maze."
"Fine," he grumbles. "Truth."
"When you proposed to me, did you think I was going to say no?"
He laughs, leaning back against the fridge. "Which time, Kate? The first time? The second? The fortieth?"
"Hush. You know what I mean."
"The one time you said yes?"
"All it takes is one," she retorts, stalking forward and reclaiming the ice. He's not even holding it against his head; he's pretending. "That time. Christmas day. Did you think I was going to say no?"
"I. . .I can't remember."
"Of course you can. Don't prevaricate."
"Four syllable words out of that hot little mouth. Sexy." He grins and darts in to kiss her, catching her by surprise with her mouth open so that his tongue slips right in and strokes aggressively along the roof of her mouth. She pushes up into him, wishing she had on heels and could gain some height and advantage on him, feels his fingers at her hipbone, digging into her skin.
The devastation of his mouth is thorough and convincing and completely distracting. Until he comes up for air and she feels the hot breath at her cheek and the way her body brushes against his - then she remembers.
"You thought I was going to say no," she murmurs, presses her wet mouth to his ear. "Why did you go to all that trouble - the ring, asking my dad, even Christmas morning could've been ruined for you-"
"Because I loved you. I love you."
That's not an answer. "But that doesn't mean it would've worked. I could've hurt you." She hurt him quite a lot that year, most likely. He never mentions it, doesn't bring it up. When Ellery was born and they were doing feedings every two hours (Castle wanted to stay up with her, which was sweet but stupid), they had this game to keep them awake, a form of Truth or Dare. She keeps it up now because she learned so much about him, about their relationship from his side of things.
It helps to know. It makes her a better wife, and really. . .all she wants to do is be good enough to deserve him. Deserve this.
"But you didn't hurt me," he says with a shrug, not getting it. "You said yes."
"Castle, you just put yourself out there. You took a huge risk-"
"For love. For you," he answers, giving her a half-smile as if to ask Can we stop this now?
No. She wants to know. She needs to know. "But why? I said no a thousand times before that. I don't even know. . .well, okay, I do know what changed for me, but it's not like you knew that. So why? Why would you lay yourself bare like that?"
"Because you were worth the risk."
The ice falls from her fingers, hits the floor hard enough to startle her.
He frowns at her, squats down to grab the ice, starts collecting it back into the towel at their feet. Kate manages to crouch down as well, start helping him, but her heart is still thumping madly, her hands trembling.
"Hey, Kate."
"Yeah."
"So what if I loved you more than you loved me? It doesn't matter now."
But, oh, oh that's wrong. "Rick." She drops the ice and brushes her cold fingers against his lips, hushing him. "No. If that were true, sure, it wouldn't matter. But it's not true. I loved you so much. So much-"
He takes her fingers, kisses them. "It's okay. It doesn't matter."
"I want you to know the truth."
"It was a long time ago."
"It's only been five years," she laughs, but her heart hurts. It hurts for him, for what he carries around, pretending like it doesn't matter. But it does. She knows that it does. "The only reason I said no to you all those times was because I loved you so much."
"Uh. I don't follow."
Kate lifts to her feet, pulls him up after her. "Sit down. Let me put this on your head."
He lets her lead him to the bar stool; she stands between his knees and cradles the ice to the back of his head, watching him.
"I said no because it scared me - how much I loved you. How so much of my happiness depended on you being there. How I couldn't even begin to imagine not waking up with you, not sharing our son, not having you as my partner in - in everything."
He's watching her, a stillness in his body that she rarely sees. The stillness of his whole being listening to her, catching every word and analyzing it.
"I'm not any good with words. And I didn't know how to make you understand that I wasn't going anywhere. . .except by telling you no and still. . .still being there." Kate winces, shakes her head. "Yeah, I hear how that sounds. You knew I was messed up when you married me."
He gives a soft laugh at that, puts his hands on her hips, thumbs immediately drawing circles against her abs. "So I don't exactly get that, but I believe you. You loved me."
"I don't want you to think that this has ever been unequal, Castle." She lays her hand on his shoulder, staring into him as if the seriousness in her gaze will help convince him.
He gets a look in his eyes, a sly and dangerous look. "Okay then. I get a follow-up question. To help me understand."
"Oh?"
"Truth for you."
She has a feeling this is going to be embarrassing. "All right. Truth."
"When did you fall in love with me?"
She opens her mouth to answer, shuts it before a lie can escape. Why should she lie to him about this? She has such a guarded heart. But she doesn't need to guard it from him. He is her heart.
"It wasn't this," she says first, gesturing between them. "But it was. . .rather inconvenient," she hedges.
"Inconvenient. Hm. When?"
"It's possible it was there for awhile before this too, but I - I can't be sure. I was in denial."
"Big surprise there. When, Kate."
She takes a deep breath, fidgets with the ice pack, finally pulls it away to leave it on the counter. She wants to see his face. "Second year. I knew it by the second year."
His eyebrows raise. "Of our partnership?"
She nods once.
"You have got to be kidding me."
"No," she says shortly. She kind of loves this Truth thing, adores the look on his face right now, being given new, revealing insight into their relationship.
"How did I not see that?"
"I don't know. Everyone else did," she sighs.
"Everyone else did?"
"Well, Ryan and Esposito. And Lanie. And the Captain."
"What?"
"They were witness to your shooting me down in flames."
"I never-"
"You did," she assures him, pressing her lips together. "They were all there for it too. In the conference room watching me try to spill my guts and failing, miserably, to get it out of my mouth."
"I so hate myself right now. When was this? I can't even remember such a time."
Kate brushes her hand down his shoulder. "Don't hate yourself. It made me stronger."
"Is this more of that Whatever doesn't kill me only makes me stronger bullshit?"
Kate laughs. "Yes it is." She slides forward and wraps both arms around him, because she can, because this is not that summer, because they are so very far away from that summer it feels like another life.
"I almost killed you?" he whispers against her ear, a hand cradling her face with too much tenderness.
"Castle, like you said. It was a long time ago, and it doesn't even matter. It's not even a thing - I have you now. It did make me stronger, but it also proved to me that what I felt wasn't an itch or a stupid crush on my favorite author-"
"Ah, yeah, eventually, you're going to have to go into explicit detail about this favorite author stuff. Because I know about it, and how it got started and how you stood in line, but just how extensive was this? Are we talking message boards and fantasies about meeting me in person?"
He sounds entirely too gleeful. "Some other time. Your ego is sufficiently massive." Oh, fantasies. He doesn't know the half of it.
Castle chuckles against her skin and tugs her back from him. "Okay then, back to this whole I was in love with you the second year."
"I don't think it matters-"
"Tell me. I couldn't have shot you down if I tried-"
"Gina," she blurts out, then rolls her eyes at herself. "It was before that summer. You kept inviting me to the Hamptons-"
"Oh my God."
Kate laces her fingers through his, both hands, squeezes to pull him back from memories. "Hey, don't. Don't, Castle."
"I'm a moron. I'm a complete and total idiot. How-"
"Don't," she says insistently, putting his hands on her hips and nudging his knees apart so she can get closer. "Stop."
"Oh my God, you were going to say yes. You were going to come with me, and I gave up too soon. I didn't wait for you."
"You waited for me to say yes when it mattered," she says. "And you got to marry me for that. So, stop. Please."
"We could've had so much more time-"
"Hey. Shut your mouth," she growls at him. "Our kids might not exist if we had more time. We might not even be married, Castle - I had to get pregnant to figure that out. And besides all that, you keep telling me we were meant to be together. In our own time. Fated. So stop."
Throughout her whole speech, he's had his head down in one of his hands, but when she finishes, he lifts up, a grin quirking the edges of his lips. "Fated."
"Your idea, not mine. But I believe it less and less every time you do something like this."
"No, no, you're right. I'm right, I mean. Meant to be." Castle leans in and kisses her; she likes the soft edge to it, the tenderness and gratitude just below the heat.
Her smile breaks the kiss; she presses another to his bottom lip, another to the corner of his mouth, the place at his jaw where his stubble doesn't grow. Smooth under her lips. She wishes she could do this slowly, and in bed. And she rarely wants to do this slowly.
"Kate."
"Yeah."
"You are always worth the risk."
She comes back to his mouth, heart so tight it hurts, needing this kiss to last forever, to never stop pouring into him how much his words remake her, unmake her.
She's better because of him, more than a girl orphaned by murder and alcohol, more than a woman haunted by questions without answers, more than a detective who can't rest and doesn't know how to live. She's learned how to be Kate, how to be vulnerable to this, to be wide open - and all because of how he lays himself bare.
He's always the one exposing his jugular to love.
And it's when love bleeds them out that it's the best.
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