บท 40: 40. Camping
The trick with any kind of wound or disease, is to dig down and find the real source of the injury. And once you've found it… try like hell to heal that sucker.
-Meredith Grey
"Arizona Robbins, peds." Emily raised her eyes to look at the perky blonde. "You're on my service today." She raised her eyebrows, gaze switching between Callie and Arizona. The ortho attending pressed her fingers into her cheeks and immediately Emily smiled, understanding the gesture. The ortho surgeon gave a thumbs up as they began walking to the elevator.
"Uh, yeah, I am."
"Great! Callie's told me so much about you and I know we're gonna be awesome friends." Arizona beamed and Emily followed after her as Callie patted her student on the back. "I'm an awesome friend."
"Oh, yay," she cheered in fake enthusiasm as they boarded the elevator without the Latina. When the elevator doors finally closed, Emily jabbed her finger on the fourth floor button for the peds wing. Standing by the buttons silently, she crossed her arms and leaned against the wall as Arizona shot her glances.
"Y'know, when my brother died, I ate donuts. They made me feel better - didn't exactly fill a hole inside me that my brother left but it helped." She looked up at the perky blonde. The brunette couldn't bear to imagine what losing Noah would feel like. "A lot of people are telling you to take time off," she continued knowingly. Emily looked away again, focusing on the orange light on the second level. They just passed it when it dinged. "Callie's worried about you and it's for a good reason. I get that. You lost your best friend if what Callie says is true. And I know that most would break down. They'd just be gone. They'd be crying. But there're always gonna be those people like you." She had two pure blue eyes that smiled at her. "People who put on a brave face and just work because that's what they do."
"It's not a brave face."
"If it gets you through this, then do it," she added as if Emily never spoke. "Whatever will keep you going. But don't lie to seem stronger. I know from experience." She nodded along to her own words. "You're stronger when you stop dismissing your problems and face them head on."
"The first step is to admit you have a problem." Arizona nodded, a smile on her face again. "I know that. It's just hard and if I can't even talk to my boyfriend about them, how can I even talk my shrink - who I'm being forced to go to - about them?"
"You're just being stubborn." It was annoying how happy she was. "But people are just trying to help. And if you stop being strong for just one second, you'd realize that too."
"Are you suggesting I'm supposed to turn to you?" the brunette snorted, crossing her arms.
"If you want to." Her smile softened and Emily's heart wilted at how solemn it seemed. "But there are others around here, in this hospital. You just have to look for them. A lot of people care about you, Dr. Moore." Her smile faltered completely and she looked down at the floor for a second before flickering back up to Emily's hazel eyes, "Some day, you'll crack, just like I did and you can be damn sure that people'll be there to put you together again. Dr. Sloan loves you, a lot. I don't know him very well, but you should trust him." Arizona's smile widened into a full, bright grin that caused dimples and light and sunshine. The doors opened to reveal Alex waiting for them. "Come on, we have rounds." she prompted as if their elevator conversation never happened at all.
.
"How was your day today?" Emily asked, a slight smile on her face as she entered Dr. Wyatt's office. The psychiatrist turned around, surprised.
"I didn't think you'd show," her doctor said bluntly.
"I didn't think I would either," she confessed, dropping the act and settling on the couch. The older woman turned around in her chair, her notebook at the ready. "But today I was on peds." She pulled at her fingers, crossing one leg over the other as she looked down at her task. "It was fun - Arizona makes it fun. She plays games with the kids and it's fun." Dr. Wyatt raised an eyebrow. "I don't even remember the last time I've had that much fun. And it made me happy. I haven't felt happy in a long while."
"Since before the building collapse, I assume."
"Yeah." She nodded.
"Can we talk about Tom, then?" Another nod, more hesitant than the first. "What was he like?"
"He was a funny and friendly guy. Everyone liked him, especially the kids. That's why he loved specialty. Big surgeries on little people, plus kids are pretty adorable most of the time."
"Then are you willing to share what your friendship was like?"
"Honest, fun," the brunette murmured. "We trusted each other a lot and tried so many new things. I remember actually—" a genuine laugh burst from her chest— "there was this time he decided to camp. We had a few days off so he wanted to camp, the five of us."
"And?"
"It was actually so much fun and, uh, it's where Tom revealed my nickname he gave me for the first week I was in Boston. He used to call me Ravioli."
"Ravioli?"
"Yeah, because I'm half-Italian."
"Can we talk about it? The camping trip." She debated on whether or not before deciding that, yes, they could. Although it hurt, it made her want to relive it. It was one of the best moments of her life.
"Yeah. During that trip, I realized I wanted him to be in my life forever. You just meet these people and you realize that they're going to be important. That they'll be one of those people who'll always leave a mark that can never heal."
.
"Why do we have to hike? That's what I don't understand," Matthew grumbled as he trod beside Emily. He stabbed the walking stick into the ground to help him along as they tried to reach the site. "Why couldn't we just drive to the campsite?"
"Where's the fun in that, Matt?" Davin jested a few paces ahead of them. His ginger hair glowed brilliantly in the sun as they continued up the hill. Up a few metres was Ella and Tom, exchanging kisses every once and awhile.
"I'm ruining my shoes,"
"That's why you choose hiking boots instead of just sneakers."
"I'm sorry," Matthew snapped, his foot smushing against mud, "that this is my first time hiking." Emily rubbed his shoulder comfortingly as Tom turned around. Davin had a slight smirk on his face as he shot a wisecrack at his best friend.
"It's just common sense, really."
"Davin-" Matthew began to say, his face turning slightly red as Emily kicked a rock.
"We're almost there. Just past this hill," Tom cut in. He hefted the camping bag he had up before holding out his hand for Ella. Taking it, the blonde pulled her boyfriend up the hill as Davin groaned. Ducking his head, he climbed up after them. They climbed up a few rocks as Matthew shoved his stuff up before climbing. Reaching down, he offered a hand. Taking it, she pushed up against the hard rock and huffed a quick thanks.
"No problem. If Tom wants to kill us, he'll have to try a hell of a lot harder." Laughing, they continued onwards, the only sound being the rustling of leaves and the rhythmic thump of his walking stick.
"Right. Like my legs aren't burning right now. I think I'm going to pass out."
"Shit, here have some water."
Finally, the ascending degree lessened and they reached the flat at the top. The sun was barely beginning to set as Emily shed off her camping pack, feeling her back sing at the relief. Tom had done the same, eating a ration as he walked to the edge of the cliff. The stable overhang was the perfect place to watch the sun set. Settling down, he crossed his legs and just watched as Ella sat on a stump farther away. Her fear of heights didn't make her a big fan and she called out a worried warning. The others broke out snacks for dinner instead, not worrying about the dangerous duo.
"Be careful! I don't want to have to go down to find you!"
Tom waved it off as Emily took out a pre-washed apple, biting into it. The flavors exploded into her mouth that had been washed with too much water to recognize flavor. Sighing, a little bit of juice dribbled down her chin and she wiped at it as she sat beside him. Eating it quickly, she nibbled on the peel. The sun's dying rays warmed her skin as well as the rock's smooth surface. Dangling her legs over the edge, she swung them as the sun began to set.
"Everything's so beautiful," she breathed. And it was. The trees were at their highest and most vibrant green. Everything was bathed in gold as violet tones stained the sky and Emily swore she had never seen anything so amazing, so perfect. There was even a lake in the distance, sparkling under the sun. It was the most brilliant shade of blue she'd ever seen. Neither of them talked, not wanting to disturb the peace. They just watched as the sun set, disappearing across the horizon.
"Wow," Matthew whispered when only a few traces of orange and lilac still crossed the sky. The stars were just coming out when Ella stood, knees making clicking noises from the sudden movement.
"Yeah," Tom sighed, getting up. "I guess it's time to set up camp."
"You mean we're here?" Emily asked excitedly, jumping up and running to her camping bag. The brunet nodded with a laugh as Davin scraped together some flint and sticks and stones, starting a small fire.
"Yep." Ella grinned although it was strained from exhaustion. She was already unrolling her tent that she'd share with Tom as he took out their sleeping bags. "Come on, Tom," she addressed her boyfriend who was still standing on the edge. He watched the stars but snapped out of his daze when she called his name. "I need some help,"
"Of course."
There were only three tents between the five of them. Emily and Matthew both struggled putting up theirs while Davin had his up with practiced precision. "Not everyone's a camp God, Davin," Matthew snorted as he finally managed to get the pole up right. Immediately, it looked more like a tent than a lump of tarp. Emily crawled in, straightening out their sleeping bags for maximum space.
"Well, not everyone's a cardio God so I guess we're even," the ginger had replied as he hung up their food. Pulling the rope harder, he made sure animals couldn't reach it before tying it around the trunk of a tree. "Emily, you need some help over there?" He called as Emily tumbled out of the tent.
"I meant to do that."
Matthew was just pulling down the pegs as she stood up and dusted herself off. The man laughed and she shot him a look to shut up. Grabbing her tent mate's pack, she carried it over to their blue home before doing the same for hers.
"Yeah. I also mean to just roll around in my tent before falling on my face in the dirt," Davin replied snippily, ducking into his tent briefly before reappearing with a flashlight. Shining it on their tent, he shook his head at Matthew's work. "You're doing it all wrong, Matt!"
"Well, I think it's pretty good for a first go." Tom and Ella just watched them with amusement as they took turns using a stick to poke at the fire. "I'd like to see you do better."
"Fine. Your first try was better than mine," Davin conceded before a smirk appeared, "but that might be because I was thirteen when I did it."
"Seriously?" Emily asked with a smile. She joined the couple by the fire, warming her hands.
"Fuck off, Davin. And I call you my best friend."
"I wouldn't be your best friend if you knew how to take care of yourself. Who knows how many times I've saved your ass."
"Do you want to die?"
"Calm down, children,"
"Shove off, Tom," they both snapped but sat together beside Emily. They ribbed each other once in awhile, sharing a smile when Ella rolled her eyes.
"That's quite rude," Tom sniffed in fake offence, stoking the fire as embers flicked a few feet away. "As the man who led you out here, I can easily leave you here so you can never return to civilization ever again. You'll probably rot out here, wasting away as the forest men of the Boston wilds."
"That'd be terrible," gasped Emily in faux horror. Tom held out a finger, waiting for silence.
"But, I'll forgive you if you'll tell a good ghost story."
Davin and Matthew looked at each other before smiling. "Deal."
.
Emily woke up with a start. It was still dark out, only a few stray rays of the moon catching between the leaves. But there was still that faint rustle, that shift of leaves that caught her ear because the night was completely and totally silent. So she got up, despite how goddamn cold it was out and wrapped herself in her thick jacket. Her YSL was back home, too precious to be brought out here. Her socks were still on so she just slipped on her boots and walked outside.
The moon was bright, perfectly round as it rested on the edge of the trees. It reflected on the lake in the distance, waves she could see from even there gently rippling the surface. Stars littered the sky, most silver, the rare blue or red one here and there. But that wasn't why she came out here. As beautiful, as serene and tranquil this was, it wasn't why she got up. So she looked around, searching for the person she knew must be awake. Ella rarely woke up when she was in the middle of her slumber, Matthew was beside her in the tent and Davin's snoring - well, that just spoke for itself.
So she found herself sitting on the flat piece of rock she was sitting on just hours before as Tom drew his knees to his chest. He was wearing a thick jacket, the fur rim of his hood hiding his face. There wasn't another single noise except for their quiet breaths against the cold, frigid air. She crossed her legs and placed her hands in her lap, waiting.
"What's up?" she finally said and he gazed at her, a mixture of surprise and exhaustion behind those clear brown eyes.
"Nothing, I'm just really tired," he said in a way that didn't suggest lack of sleep. He offered no other explanation but she wrapped an arm around his neck and gently pushed his head towards her. He shifted so he lied down on the cooled rock. Despite the deadly edge to his left, he lounged and stretched as if he were at home. His head rested on her lap and she straightened her legs, letting them overhang again like earlier that day.
"Tom, you can tell me," she murmured, eyes flickering from his gaze to the moonlight. There was a conflicted look on his face as he stayed silent. "I'm your best friend, am I not?" She meant it as teasing but it made him seem more sure and he sat up, facing her.
"Guess so." Sighing, he looked up at her, "That actually leads to my point. I've been thinking..."
"About?" she prompted.
"About the future. About me, about you, about all of us."
"Woah, there, cowboy. Let's not get philosophical," she teased but his lips didn't twitch into his smile. Falling silent, she waited for him to continue.
"I'm serious. I… I love Ella. I do. I feel like she's the love of my life, y'know?" She did. It was how she felt about Mark. Touching the silver necklace underneath her thick layers, she smiled softly. "I can imagine all five of us eighty years from now, still trying to pick up a scalpel. That's the one thing I know. We're surgical junkies. We'd never give this up."
"And what you don't know?" she prompted.
"I don't know if Ella will still be with me. I don't even know if we'll be married or if we're going to have kids or if… we'll be separated. I don't even know if she'll be alive. I don't know if you'll be alive, if I'll be alive." The thought made Tom look hopeless and Emily rubbed his arm sympathetically. "I've always planned my life out. Get a spot in the residency, meet a nice girl, get married, maybe have a few kids. I never counted on meeting Ravioli."
"Ravioli?"
"You. You are Ravioli." At her offended look, he shrugged. "I like ravioli and you're half-Italian.
"What's wrong with my name?"
"Nothing. It's just what I used to call you in your first week of Boston behind your back. The others never knew your name," he explained at her confusion. Shaking himself, he pulled back his hood. The wind was getting warmer, preparing for morning. "Whatever. Let me get back to my point." Giggling, she nodded and waited for him to remember as he recollected his thoughts. "I just never counted on you, okay?"
"I don't follow. I mean, I do kind of, but I don't."
"The point is, you're the sister I never knew I wanted and I want you to be in my life eighty years from now." Her eyes widened. Here a man was, one she loved dearly not unlike how she loved her brother, wanting to be her best friend throughout her entire life. Not many people were like that. They came and go, knowing their place in another's life but this guy, this stupid guy wanted a lifetime of her. He just wanted his best friend. His sister. "I want to stitch you into my plans. Ella is the love of my life but you are my soulmate and I want to stitch you in. If you'll let me."
"Seriously?"
"Seriously. You're like… a force of nature that has been the one constant in my life. Even when Ella's going through her moods or I've had a hard day, you're always just there. You know how I feel, what my next moves are, it's like you're me but with a vagina." Again, she laughed and nudged him with her shoulder. He beamed, his own laughs loud and hearty. She was sure anyone by the lake could hear it.
"And you're like another brother. My brother," She assured quietly, holding onto his hand. It was warm compared to the cold air. "I love you, Tom. You know that, right? You never have to ask me if you can stitch me into your life plan."
"It's nice to get it out," he breathed before puffing out a gust of air. Wrapping an arm around her shoulders, he brought her closer and kissed her temple. "And yeah, I know 'cause I love you too. Besides, I can't exactly love you and not have you as my best man."
"Who else could do the job?"
"True." They glanced at each other before bursting into laughs. They laughed at the complete outrageousness of it. Here they were losing sleep because their best friend was having too much trouble admitting that they were brother and sister.
She laughed harder at the thought of her in a suit beside him and the image of them still bickering and joking in a care home.
Then he laughed just as hard. Laughed that she was open to it, laughed because he was so damn grateful he had met her. That they'd taken this camping trip, that she was his best man.
"You know, if you died, it'd probably kill me too," she finally said after her laughs faded. Tom snorted, hugging her tightly as the moon slowly sank, finally ready to disappear.
"Then you're lucky. I'm not planning on going anywhere any time soon."
.
"It's more ironic when I think about it," Emily finished. "He just left too soon. Way too soon." Dr. Wyatt leaned forward, thinking as her blue eyes peered at her patient.
"So you and Tom were like brother and sister. Didn't Ella mind?" Immediately, the smile failed to reappear. The only memory resonating in her mind was that of when she yelled at the blonde. Six days after her husband died, Emily yelled at her. God… now she felt like a piece of shit.
"Uh, no. She didn't. She knew where she stood and she was secure. Her and Tom had already been together ever since their last year of med so she didn't mind."
"Sounds like a rare kind of woman," her doctor remarked and Emily nodded, not really hearing it.
"Yeah. She is."
"But I hardly believe she's the same as she was then. Her husband died and I'm sure she has to place blame somewhere. Just as you are."
"She's blaming me, just as I do," she scoffed, "I did have a phobia for tall ass buildings for a while." She remembered how she didn't go near any skyscrapers or work complexes for a week. "Who could I blame? The builders? It was a structurally sound building. The only person I can really blame is the person who decided that fixing the base wasn't important. And that's the landlord who is dead." She had learned of that upon arriving at the hospital. He was D.O.A. "And me."
"Why do you blame yourself?" Dr. Wyatt asked, probing. Emily didn't reply, crossing her arms and looking into the fishtank. Her doctor closed her notebook before sighing, "Why does there even have to be blame at all?"
"I never meant for it to happen. I wanted to go into the building."
"But he could have chosen not to," Dr. Wyatt said.
"But-"
"No matter what happened, Tom would have stood up against you if he disagreed. You know that." Emily faltered, staring at her hands in her lap.
"I just want to be okay again," she whispered and Dr. Wyatt put her notebook on her desk before leaning forward again.
"Emily, you won't be okay. That's the thing about grief." Her doctor appeared sympathetic, sad even and Emily looked at her, straight in the eye. Her eyes were glassy as Dr. Wyatt continued, "It'll never be okay. One day, maybe it'll hurt a little bit less. Maybe it won't. But one thing it will never be is okay."
"I thought I was fine," Emily avowed, "because everyone turned to me after Tom died. They gave me space but they still turned to me. Because I was good under pressure. I am good when chaos is around me. So I had to be the support system. I was the one who carried a team. You know nurse quiet, after the building collapse. Some people quit."
"But you can't help everyone. Not when you aren't stable. And you are not fine."
"I'm not," she agreed. "You know, I was just angry all the time even though I wanted to help. I'd give anything to bring him back."
"Even your life for his?"
"Yeah."
"That's stupid," her doctor said frankly, "Fate just happened to cut his life short. You couldn't have changed it-"
"But I could've. If I didn't go in-" she sighed, rubbing the bridge of her nose. "I feel like I have to live up to Tom's name, make him proud in heaven in some way. Make it up to him."
"Make what up to him?" Her psychiatrist pressed and Emily shrugged. "You feel like you owe something to Tom."
"I do. I… don't know what I owe him but I know he wouldn't be proud of me for yelling at his wife. For us hating each other."
"You yelled at Ella?"
"I did."
"And why was that?"
Guiltily, she explained, "Because I came back to work sooner than her. Despite…" she broke off that sentence, "Because I was already doing surgeries and working and not grieving."
"But that's what she thought," the woman remarked. "I'm sure she wasn't right."
"She was, in a way. I didn't let myself feel it. I was - I am angry, all the time."
"Are you, though? For what?" Dr. Wyatt asked and Emily uncrossed and recrossed her legs. She contemplated her answer, thinking carefully.
"I am, still. I just couldn't save him. I guess I'm tired too. Tired of keeping secrets, tired of people asking if I'm okay. I'm tired of being angry, all the time. Hating myself is so exhausting and I wish I could stop but it's like my head keeps saying things and I can't block it oout." She rubbed at her eyes, "I can't sleep." Swallowing, she continued on, "I dream of Tom all the time. He always - I relive his death. He haunts me."
"You need to let go."
"Easier said than done," Emily whispered. Dr. Wyatt asked about the secrets again and the brunette shook her head. "I can't tell." She knew the woman was waiting for an explanation. "Because if I did it'd break everything. What happened in that building - only two people know and one of them is dead. The other one is sitting here, and I don't want to talk anymore."
"But perhaps another time." Dr. Wyatt knew when not to push and the surgeon was close to breaking down and closing off.
"Perhaps another time."
A/N: Edited - October 20, 2018
Next: Ella's in Seattle with a box, Isaac's spinal cord tumor and Emily reads through his letters.
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