บท 44: Hello Goodbye
Rudy[pov]
I underestimated Zenith.
I shouldn't have done that.
I'm an idiot.
Yesterday was an adventure and a half. After going through an 'ordeal' I made it home, but I didn't make it in one piece. I was able to patch myself together, mostly, but it wasn't something I could fool her with. Mistakes were made. I shouldn't have attempted in the first place.
It was a huge breach of trust, and an insult to her intelligence.
I wasn't thinking much at the moment.
I am an idiot.
Am I repeating myself?
No way. That would be idiotic.
…
I got what I deserve.
She found out, and punished me.
All things considered I got off lightly considering I woke up in the comfort of my own bed, her own bed but details, and not on the floor, or any other room, but I still have unfinished business to settle.
My body is stiffer than a plank. Magic works miracles, but I still have an overwhelming sense of fatigue over me. It speaks for my physical state last night. I am leagues better than where I was, but it does make me curious just how I looked like yesterday for Zeny to get that angry.
As for the talk… I somehow lucked out. I was unconscious for most of it, as while I finally came to, apparently Zenith and Paul had a 'talk', and he got 'chastised' for letting me 'work myself to death.' Considering the wording, and the lack of talk about my new business ventures, certain things were left unsaid, and Paul is leaving the heavier stuff to me.
As to be expected I suppose.
Which is fine. It's more or less what I wanted. I do feel Zenith should hear these things from me, but a part of me is frustrated that he got off with only a scolding.
Maybe she doesn't care as much? Or maybe he hid it better?
But I digress.
Paul's matters are Paul's matters, and mine are my own. They just so happen to cross together on this occasion.
Lucky bastard.
…I hope Lilia left out some details, and he actually got struck. It would make my day better.
But digressing! Digressing…
I swing my blade with a little more fervor.
Currently I'm outside my house going through a few practice drills. It's been a while since I've done them. About six months, give or take a few weeks. The last six months have been a blur. I helped out Sylphy a little here and there from time to time, but I have the Greyrat's own personal manservant for quite a bit.
I mean that in the most endearing way possible.
I haven't done much training. I haven't pushed Sylphiette or myself to our limits for quite a while. Or rather I couldn't even if I wanted to. I've hit the limit of what I could learn here.
All work and no play make Rudy a dull boy, but…
This blade has dulled its edge.
I lost. I lost my blade. I lost my kite. And I very nearly lost control. I lost that fight.
Technically I won… and yet… I don't feel victorious.
I lost.
It was a very hectic day.
Now it's time for the sequel.
Zenith gave me some time to talk to her, until this evening to be precise, but I'm still struggling to find the words. The best I can do now is relieve some stress, with some much needed drills. It's not much, but it's something.
After last night's talks, I'm feeling a huge sense of trepidation coming over me.
'In this together…'
She's going to be angry.
Like really really angry, last night I saw a peek of it, and managed to calm her down, but that's all it was; a peek. This is something I'm not prepared for. I've never been in a position like this; where I'm actively going to make a decision that's going to enrage someone I care about. At least I think I haven't? Not on purpose at the very least. Putting your foot in your mouth is one thing, but doing it on purpose is another.
I was hoping to sneak in yesterday, and rip the bandaid off at a later date.
Now it's feeling like I might just sucker punch Zenith in the heart.
Can someone just punch me in the face?
Better yet, for now keep swinging. Just keep pretending it's Pauls face at the end, and-
SWING!
One hundred more to go.
Swing. Swing. Swing…
I need to get stronger… in many senses of the word. It is the truth.
Even broken clocks are right twice a day.
"What is life?" I soliloquy.
Zenith is disappointed in me.
Kind of hurts.
Maybe the rom com gods really do exist, and I'm the punchline.
HA HA HILARIOUS!
Kill yourselves.
Am I cursing the gods?
Most definitely.
Kill yourselves twice.
Love is war, and I have the leading role. Should I write a book about it? Most definitely. Maybe a love comedy about two romantically stunted individuals who can't get their feelings across, and are waiting for the other one to confess.
Copyright?
Never heard of it. Is it delicious? Such things only exist in another world.
"Ha ha… it feels good to laugh."
Alright that's enough of that. I'm getting lost inside my own head. Again. It's very easy to do when you don't want to deal with reality.
I double my swinging speed.
When stressed I really would like to go wild, and do something stress relieving. Fight, fly, hell just playing with Sylphy always clears my mind, but for the time being that is an impossibility.
I am grounded.
Zenith was serious about last night.
I'm currently under house arrest.
Well, that might be a bit of an exaggeration, as I am 'technically,' allowed to leave the house, but I can't leave the yard. Not until her, and my warden feel I won't do something crazy.
Trust is good, but bad boys still get punished, or so I was told.
As for my warden…
Turning to look back at my house, under the roof's shadow, where my oh beautiful warden is resting, she's giving me the doe eyes as I continue about my daily drills.
"You know… It's not like I'm going to run away when you aren't looking. You can just read a book while I'm doing this."
"That's yet to be proven, Rudeus," Lilia responds emotionlessly.
"...are you still mad at me?"
"Why would I be mad at you, young master? There's absolutely no reason for me to be mad at you young master. The young master simply was reckless as he always is, and wasn't thinking of the consequences. The way the young master's mind works is something that goes beyond my understanding. There's no way someone such as I could understand. It would be uncouth of me to say otherwise."
…yeah… totally not angry.
Did I say doe eyes? I meant daggers.
I suddenly became public enemy number one.
When everything is said and done it is still possible to be angry, or annoyed in her case, and love the person simultaneously. She was annoyed about my antics, but the moment it became clear my health wasn't in danger.
Rom com gods? You can cast lightning now. I'm waiting.
"If the young master wasn't my master. I might be expressing some of my… indignation with him with how he tried to hide his injuries." She continues to stare at me.
Oh, right. She also washes my clothes. She found a spot of blood or two, that in my delirium, I wasn't able to find.
She also kept it secret from Zenith.
"Yeah… thanks again. I'll make it up to you."
"Hahh… just be careful Rudy." She sighed heavily.
I feel like that's becoming a catchphrase around here. Am I really so reckle-never mind…
"...I wrote some fairy tales a few days ago, you know. Stories about princesses and princes I was going to show it to you later, when the kids are able to read, but I could use a second opinion beforehand to see if they would love it."
"...you're bribing me."
"Indeed I am."
"I'll wait patiently as you get the necessary material." She says in her monotone tone, but I know it well, and can tell it's a tinge lighter.
Well, that's one mother winned over. One more to go.
///
After gathering the materials we had a tranquil afternoon under the shade. Resting underneath Zenith's favored tree we read a few pages about Cinderella. Her hand resting upon my chest as she lays on her side, with me reading aloud.
If anyone were to walk around us now, they'd think that we were lovers. You know… If I was older. It must be a cute scene.
Hah… I hate cute.
I was going to share this story with her at a much later date, but I don't have the liberty of time anymore. I wrote a series of stories that I feel that her or the kids would like as nice going to bed stories. Cinderella, Rapunzel, Snow White, The Little Mermaid, among others. Pretty much if disney cash grabbed it, I wrote it.
Yes, that includes starwars.
I say that, but… it was harder to translate a movie into a full story, so most of them read more like tall tales than anything else.
Only tales like Cinderella have enough material that I could work with.
Inspiration Lilia.
"So, what did you think?"
"It's perfect. Aisha will love it."
"Um… even if you say that, it'll be a while before-"
"I'll read it to her tonight." Getting to a sitting position she holds my pages a little tighter to her chest. As she looks forward with a fire in her eyes.
I don't think Aisha understands words yet, but to each their own.
Lilia will be Lilia I suppose.
Well, that side of her is cute too.
"I need a breather," I let myself slide off the tree, and lay on the cool grass, enjoying the shade. "Little moments like this are all one really needs in life. Adventures are great, but without moments like these… my heart might just give out."
"Please don't."
"Just being dramatic Lily."
"I would hope so. It's hard to tell with you at times."
"Love you too."
"...you're underhanded."
"And don't you forget it," I give her a coquettish smile, returning words that were once said to me.
She blushes. Turning her head to avoid my eyes. Very cute.
Ah, good she remembers. If she didn't my cheek would fall flat.
"Ah, I got you smiling. So that's a win."
"Master… playing with a lady's emotions is the sign of a no good man." She lays back down resting next to me.
You got that right! And yet you lay next to me?
"I'll keep that in mind. On that thought, what's running through your head?"
She raises an eyebrow, giving me a 'your serious' look.
"I mean, besides the obvious, you've been looking over me quite intently. More than usual, and you're not angry, so don't give me that. When you're angry with me, you're not shy of showing it."
She frowns.
"You'll get wrinkles you know~"
She glowers at me, before moving her hands to adjust her glasses.
"If you get any cuter right now. I'll pounce on you."
"Master Rudeus."
"Hai?"
"Stop."
"Yes, ma'am."
"What an unruly master I have." She sighs. "I'm just," she looks to the sky, "uneasy. Madame wasn't able to find anything serious about you, but she doesn't wash your clothes." She gives me a steady glance. "I found drops of blood in hard to find places. They wouldn't be there unless your, or someone else's blood slipped into it. On that note Paul came home with a shattered piece of armor."
…Lilia is no fool either…
"Lastly, you're actually quite easy to read Rudy."
I am?
"And you look like you have something on your mind. And you just had a talk with Zenith last night. Putting everything together, and… I feel like last night was a much more turbulent night than you let on, and when you're not willing to share it, considering everything else you are willing to share… It makes me uneasy. What's your secret?" She rolls to her side so as to look at me better. "I don't know what happened last night, but I can guess. Is everything truly alright?" She put a hand over my chest. "In here."
A long pause flows between us.
She really is grand.
"Thank you," I said softly. "For everything and caring, but, seriously, everything is better now. Yesterday, me and Paul just had an argument. He thought he was right, and I disagreed. During our little… difference of opinion a lot of vile came out of his mouth, he said a few things about you, and… I responded appropriately. I was quite… aggravated, and decided to say my peace in turn… by turning him to pieces."
"..."
"'Tis a joke, but… yeah… everything is settled now. We only ripped into each other a little bit. You know how men are. Talking with their fist and all that."
And swords… and magic… and whatever we could get our hands on, but the devil is in the details and all.
"I… see…" She says annoyedly, rolling onto her back, staring absentmindedly at the sky.
I see her hand ripping grass strands out, and a scowl on her face.
I grabbed her hand.
"...Rudy?"
"Feeling better."
"...no…" she mutters.
"I see." scooting over to her side I grab her whole arm, and rest on her, shoulder to shoulder, and casting a healing spell for good measure. "...how 'bout now?"
"...you're insufferable."
"I know you mean love~" I went back to cloud watching, as I rolled onto my back still holding her hand.
It's the little things in life. I'm glad she's here with me. As nice as it would be to have Zenith by my side, there is a barrier I can't get through, a piece of myself I can't show, and the only one that can see it is Lilia.
Last night, I leaked a little bit, and gave Zenith a peek, but that was a moment of weakness.
"It's hard to say how you really feel sometimes isn't it?" I speak while looking at the sky. Not necessarily talking to her, or maybe I was. I just felt like airing it out. "It sure is blue. Ignorant of our feelings, the world just keeps turning."
"...did you really hit him?" She asked.
"Several times."
"I see. If Zenith found out she would be quite distraught. Regardless," she kisses the side of my face. "I'm not. Thank you. It's not everyday someone protects my honor." She turns her body and rests her shoulder on me.
"I didn't even tell you the details."
"I can guess."
You'd think I'd be used to it by now, but no. doing such things casually is still my kryptonite. That and being a spicy redhead, but that goes without being said.
Still looking at the sky I hear her whispering in my ear. "Just keep in mind you are the most important person in my life so, no matter what he says, make sure you take care of your health first."
The world just keeps turning.
As we look up at the sky Lilia and I are stuck in our own little world, but all things must come to an end. The day is coming. If what Paul said is to be believed, then I have little over a week here, before I get courted away.
I have to talk to her.
Before their was Zenith, their was Lily, and if I can't talk to her openly, as I'm supposed to be, then who can I talk to?
I turn to face her one more time.
So beautiful. So dutiful. So caring. And… never asking for anything in return. She deserves better than this. She deserves better than me.
Cinderella… I have to do right by her.
She's earned it.
There's a lot of things said between us, but the things that aren't said could fill the pages of a book.
They say a cornered rat has nothing to lose, and everything to gain.
If this is how it must be. If it is my destiny.
Then I might as well take the reins.
The sun's rays bounce off Lilia's hair. It is usually marron, but under a certain light it turns red, under a twilight it could even look purple. Color hair is an amazing thing in this world. So easily can anyone be dyed in a different color. The beauties in this world are truly a work of art. Same Lilac eyes, red hair, and smiling sweetly upon me as we lay here without a care in the world. With the light shining upon her, her beauty is literally illuminated, giving her an ethereal appeal of red, and purple. It's hypnotizing.
Simply staring silently into our souls. Yearning for each other, always, and eternally.
"I love you." I said.
After so much hyperbole, flirting, and walking around. A simple 'I love you' never came out of our mouths. Those words, so true, and so simple, and yet so difficult to say. We are way passed the point of words, but even if one knows the hearts of another, one can't help but want to hear them. If I left now, and never said them, I felt I would regret it for the rest of my days. I would always look back on these days, and think 'if only.'
I'm tired of what if's and could have beens.
I'm going to throw caution to the wind, one last time, and open up. After All… tomorrow is just around the corner.
We both have had those simple words in our mouths for a while, and they have gone unsaid for so long, simply by our own decisions.
I think we are cowards at heart.
The good news about deadlines; for better or worse, it pushes you out of your comfort zone, and pushes you to do the things you put away. The things you always wanted to do, but for some reason or another, you always put it off, because there's always tomorrow.
What a slothful way of thinking?
A tired heart is a weary heart. A weary heart has no one to share it with.
"I love you too Rudy." She says. Simply and without airs. No blush. No touch. No dodging.
Just three little words.
We've already known the truth. Now we were just making it official.
It's time.
"Lilia…" I struggle to find the words, but as they say; 'all good things must come to an end.' I won't look away. I can't look away. It's already as difficult as it is, but if I look away from her, I feel it would be a disservice. Or rather, I am too selfish. I want to stare at her for as long as I can.
Tomorrow… Tomorrow always comes faster than you want.
It's time.
"There's something we have to talk about. I'm… going to have a conversation with Zeny later today, and… I thought you deserved to know first," I say, never dropping my gaze. Her brows furrow, and her lip twitches, but she never looks away either.
I think she can see my inner turmoil as well.
The women in my life are really too good at reading me.
Am I really so easy to read?
"I'm going away."
Her eyes dilate, and her mouth flaps open, unsure of what to say, before looking at me and frowning, and then tucking her chin looking down and finally looking away from me.
"...you're not just speaking of going to Sylphiette's are you?" She speaks meekly. Very lowly, that I have to strain my ear to hear her.
"No, I'm not."
"Is it… because of me?"
Oh… that's right… with the way the conversation has gone, without proper explanation, that is the logical conclusion.
I have to correct that.
"In a way, but that wouldn't be accurate. It's more accurate to say it's because of me. Paul found out about us, and… made the decision for me. Taking steps ahead of time, and sending me away. It's pretty much a foregone conclusion, and I have a week, give or take a couple days here, before I have to go, and then…" I stop, theirs not much to say. And then that's it.
I can see her hunching over. As I speak, she slowly shrinks herself into a fetal position.
I don't like it.
"The choice is ultimately my own," she looks up in hope, "and I want to go." Before I mercilessly cut it down. "I have to go. There are things I must do, and only I can do them. I…" I put my hand under her chin, and tilt her to face me. Her eyes are moist, and she's trying to hold in the tears.
I kissed her.
Trying to ease her worries I do what I can. Then I pushed myself away… and took a glance. As wrong as it sounds; I am spellbound.
Even when crying she is cute.
And we're alone.
So I started kissing her again, and again. My tongue invades her mouth, creating meek responses from her that slowly dissipate over time as she becomes a little more bolder in response to me. Slow tongue movements became hungry as we kept on. Fighting for dominance, we clashed again and again, and where I was once dominating, she started dominating me, back and forth we went, taking turns taking the lead, losing ourselves in the moment, until we needed to breathe.
An unknown amount of time later we separate.
"Pu… hah hah…"
"Hah…"
Looking at her once more her tears are gone, a faint glisten on her eyelashes the only evidence that it even existed, and she looks at me with her doe eyes, staring at me longingly. Her face is flushed, but she is more at ease.
We are both a little selfish at times, but I can't deny we both love this. Kissing her puts her at ease. But who am I kidding. It puts me at ease too.
She must never know.
I sure know how to pick them.
"...better?"
"Underhanded…"
Only when I need to be.
"That wasn't a goodbye kiss. I don't do goodbye's. This isn't goodbye, but so long. It will be a while before I come home, but I do intend on coming back. I just have some… things to work through, and… preparations to take care of, some future planning to do, and… I have to do it away from here. I hit the limit of what a seven year old can do in this small village. I just, hahh," I sigh, closing my eyes, contemplating, and trying to find just the right words.
Responsibility… I have to take responsibility for my actions. I wish I knew how spiderman does it. Fighting against your own desires, for the sake of others. It sounds so noble, and yet I struggle. I might be a bad person.
Where is the line between selfless and selfish desire?
I wish I was ignorant. I wish I could pretend what I said doesn't hurt them. That it won't hurt 'her,' but I can't play it off anymore.
The fun and games are over.
Everyone wants to do right by those they love. If it's for the sake of those that would give anything for you, you can't help but respond in kind, and give anything back, and yet… Why does it feel like doing the 'right thing.' Ticks everyone off.
"It's all just so hard. Knowing what's right. Knowing what you have to do, and knowing what's best for others, and yet… yet!" I growl. "A big part of you doesn't want to do it. Yet… I will…" I lost myself for a moment there. "Sorry Lily, I need to go away for a while. Just thought I needed to tell you before anyone else. If anyone deserved it, it's you. I'm going to be speaking with Zeny later, but I thought you deserved to hear it from me."
"I see…"
Another silence comes between us.
That's it?
"You… don't have something else to add?"
"There are many things I would like to add. So many… but… the fact that you're telling me, rather than asking me, means you've already decided isn't it?" She glances at me. "I… it… it would be uncouth of me to want more."
"Yeah… I guess it would be too selfish of us, wouldn't it." I gaze up at the clouds floating on by. "Must be nice to be a cloud. Just to sway in the wind…"
It's done. Lilia won't speak more of this. That is her nature. If there is anyone in this household more afraid of being happy then me, it would be her. She won't be greedy, even if I want her to, but I at least want to hear her opinion on this.
I am an idiot afterall.
"Lilia, can I ask you something?"
"Of course… master," she whispers.
Back to master is it? I must have lost some Lilia points. Warranted.
I'll start with a hypothetical.
"I wanted to hear your opinion on responsibility, and… desires."
"...desires?"
"Yeah. I… I have never been able to figure out my heart. I know it's a little late at this point, but I'm not exactly a paragon of virtue, and… I have a lot of things on my shoulders." I think of the future. "Me going away is the first part of figuring that out, but a big part of me doesn't want to do it, or rather, it feels like I'm ripping my own heart. But!" I work my way to a sitting position resting my hands on my knees. "It's the right thing dammit! It sucks. I hate it. But I need to do it. I just… could use some help." Should be obvious to ask for help in your time of need, but I've gotten so used to fighting alone that the concept is almost foreign to me.
I needed to save her, her, and her… it's been a while since I've thought about me, truly I mean. That's kind of how I got in this mess, too busy thinking about others and not myself. I didn't realize I would fall for them.
"It feels like the whole world is against me, and is telling me to rip out my own heart, for the greater good. Always the greater good I… I'm so divided."
Why does the world hate me?!
I hate this feeling.
Normally being responsible is supposed to be a moment of awakening, and yet… Why am I not happy?
I lived a life of regrets once. Not because I made the wrong decisions, but because I didn't make decisions.
I'm… finally moving, but the world… it moves against me.
I wish I was evil. I wish I had no heart to speak off.
If I could never love, I could never feel pain.
If I could not think based on emotion, and only logic; then I would never have made the decisions I've made. Acting only on logic, I would have helped Paul, never made a move on Lilia, and… have been a proper child. I would have been what everyone wanted from me. Just a regular child.
…and all it would cost me is my soul…
I… have so much… hatred. Towards the world… towards myself, and… I can't lash out.
It wouldn't be the right thing to do.
God… dammit.
When Lilia and Zenith were giving birth; I was terrified, exhausted, nervous, but then the babies started coming out, and… it all just fit. I knew I had to be responsible, so I stepped it up. I wanted to. It all felt right. I found happiness.
"Now I have to step it up… and it feels like the world is stepping on me. Why?" I whisper, a scowl on my face.
"Rudy…" Lilia whispers.
Ah… I forgot the hypothetical…
"Hypothetically I mean! Ha ha…" I try to brush it off.
It didn't work.
She's looking at me with a smile that doesn't quite reach her eyes. Moving to a sitting position, she wraps her arm around my body, and holds me tightly, hugging me from behind.
"Yes." She whispers to my ear. "I know exactly what you mean."
This close I can feel her heart beating.
Behind her taciturn demeanor, Lilia is still a woman. A woman with a big heart.
"Sorry… the last thing-"
"No, I'm glad Rudy is sharing his feelings with me. It's not every day Rudeus speaks from his heart. It just shows how much you care about me, and… I like it when you share your vulnerable side."
"We really are a pair."
"Indeed we are."
"I've struggled with my feelings too." She lays her hands on top of mine. "So I know exactly what you mean. Don't be afraid of talking to me, even if it's only as a last resort."
Ouch… that line hurt.
"I think the feelings you have are the same ones everyone has had at one time, or another. Sometimes what we want doesn't always coincide with what we should want.The fact that Rudeus can acknowledge that is already a great strength. Trust me!" she squeezes my being tightly, my hand, my torso, inviting me to turn back and look at her. Her eyes are clouded, and she's not seeing me. There is also a hidden fire in them that I haven't seen.
"There are many people out there that don't have that ability. People don't alway think about others, Rudy. They're are plenty of people out there that take… and take, and take and take andtake, take everything from you! Until! Until, there's nothing left to take." She finishes in a whisper, lowering her chin on my shoulder. "And then, once they're done, once they've taken everything that's worth taking from you they throw you away." She lowers her voice, and gets lost in thought. "To be lost, and forgotten. If you're lucky. If not… Well, you'll be lucky to be a memory. No one cares," she raises her chin to look at my eyes once more, "Then there's people like you who would do anything for such a person, even to their own detriment. People like you Rudy… are a rarity. If someone told me someone like you could exist eight years ago, I would say they've been reading too many fairy tales. If more people like you existed in this world. I… I think the world would be a slightly better place."
Without saying anything we're locked onto each other once more. I can feel her searching for something within me, what it is I don't know, but she smiles nonetheless. I guess she found it.
"I'm sorry. That was uncouth of me. I got lost in your eyes."
Careful Raiju, I might fall for you… again.
"But yes, I absolutely understand what you mean about fighting your own desires, and having to choose between what is right, and what you want."
"I-"
She silences me with a finger, placing it gently upon my lips.
"It's rude to interrupt a lady, Rudy. I have one more sentiment to share." She removes her finger slowly. "I believe you wanted my opinion on desires, and I rambled, my apologies, but I think what Rudy is truly seeking is permission. I am sorry, but I can not give it. After all, it is my own selfish desire to want you by my side."
"I see…"
"That being said…" Lilia tilts my chin so as to be looking at her. "If I may be frank, this is just my opinion, so Rudeus is not entitled to follow it, but… I think Rudeus should do as he pleases, if only a little."
"Do as I please?"
That's a little reckless ain't it.
"That's kind of how I got in this mess."
"Was it so bad?" She looks at me timidly.
"No. No it was not."
It's been an adventure and a half. Pure chaos at its finest. It's been heart throbbing, heart breaking, heart piercing, and just a general heart attack. Unpredictable at times, exciting at others, with so many twists you could confuse me for a pretzel, with how jumbled up I've been.
So many ups and downs, but if I could take it back… I probably wouldn't.
For better or worse, I am who I am thanks to them, and I like to think that who I am now is a better person than who I was.
I owe them everything.
"Indeed." She smiles.
Did I say that outloud?
"You're just too easy to read Rudy." She teases, parting my hair.
Lilia has become someone amazing in her own right.
"Perhaps I'm not the wisest person to speak to about this, heavens know I struggled for so long with my own heart, but I… I feel mine and Rudeus' hearts are the same in this manner. So I will show you my heart, just as you did with me," she loosens her grip, and urges me to turn. I turn to face her, and she envelops me from the front. Grabbing my hand she lays it on top of her breast, over her heart. "I feel… I feel that the secret to a happy life is compromise. Not sacrifice. I think the reason I struggled with figuring out my own emotions is because I wanted a simple answer. A 'yes I can,' or 'no, I must not,' but I now feel that such a sentiment is foolhardy. I think that trying to find a logical response to such an emotional quandary is a paradox, as emotions don't follow logic. What the heart wants, and what the brain wants, don't always coincide. So in the end it's simple. What do you want?" As she's holding my hand tightly against her chest she's looking at me intently. "What are you willing to risk?"
Her Lilac eyes are dazzling. Underneath these shadows it feels like she's making the world shine.
Lilia will not be denied.
"I do not know what future Rudeus sees, or why you look like you're in pain when you speak of it, but I think you might be thinking too hard. You can be responsible, and still be happy, you know. I think the answer you want lies in the middle. If… If! Your heart is like mine… then your heart is probably hurting, because your brain is thinking too much. So… is it wrong to be a little bad?"
My eyes widened at that sentence.
"Be… bad?" I take a moment to process what she said.
She wants me to be… bad?
"T-t-that's not to say that Rudeus should be reckless, mischievous, or being some sort of v-vagabond or anything of t-the like. T-that's not what I meant, but," she lets go of my hand, as she waves around her own flusteredly.
Cute.
"This is all just my opinion, and perhaps I'm just a fool, but I don't think love is inherently selfish or selfless. Everyone is their own person, and we all travel our own path. I think the key to a good relationship is figuring out where your path is taking you, and how far are you willing to take it. As you go down the path of life you'll find you're… 'other' along the way, and decide whether you want to walk the path with them, or go down a completely different one. Once you figure out what 'they,' want, and what you want, you can meet them in the middle, and then… then you can find your resolution. After all, it takes two people to build a romance."
A gentle breeze past us blowing loose strands of grass into the air, and the clouds giveaway the sun shining brightly upon us.
Well how about that. The sky is clear.
"I think Rudeus should think on what he needs to do, and what he wants to do, and find his middle ground as well, and then," she embraces me, and brings us tumbling down, as she hugs me closely, intimately so, her breath lightly hitting my face.
My heart is raising.
"Then we can meet in the middle."
Has she always been this beautiful? Did she just get more beautiful as we were talking? Did my heart just start beating? And am I… relieved? How did she make it all sound so easy?
Everything is so clear.
"You are the best." I muttered.
God dammit. The only coward here is me.
Honestly, she might be too good for me, or rather isn't she a saint?
I might just worship you~
Just kidding, that would just be creepy.
Why has no one realized this woman's appeal?! Fools! She's all mine now, but… in all seriousness…
"Thank you. I really needed you. In every way."
Part of me wonders what a life would have been without Lilia, or without meta knowledge. If I had been a 'proper isekai.' It's hard to say, because hindsight is 20/20, but whatever man I would have grown to be; probably wouldn't be the same as the man I am now, and the man I am going to be.
She made me better.
"Correction Rudy; I needed you," she locks hands with me. "If you're curious my middle ground is wherever Rudeus wants it to be. So If Rudeus' path, takes him away from me. That will also be fine. The path where Rudeus is happiest; is my middle ground."
Seriously… the world is filled with fools to have thrown her away. If I ever meet her father, I'm punching him in the face.
I think it's time I met her. Truly.
Freeing myself, I get to my feet, and get ready to do what must be done.
It's like then, my heart, just like when the girls were born a sense of responsibility is coming over me, but I don't feel dread; I'm just happy to be here.
Alright, once more, from the top.
Looking down at her I can't help, but reminisce of all the little moments that led to here. The times at the pond, the times on this yard, the house, rooms, village, everywhere. Even if I die tomorrow, nothing would change that we've dyed this place in our colors. This little village is filled with memories.
"Rudeus…" She moves to an upright position, entering a sitting position, looking up at me.
A year ago, even while crouching, she wouldn't be looking up at me. That was where my height was.
It looks like I've grown, if only a little.
"Lilia, it's my turn. First thing first; thank you, thank you for everything you've-no, thank you for being you. I needed you, more than I think I knew. I was lost before I found you. No, I was broken before you healed me."
She opens up her mouth, which I quickly silence with but a finger.
"That's enough of that. My turn. I know what you want to say, but I need to speak. If it isn't obvious, I really have a habit of putting my foot in my mouth, and I'm a bit of a coward. If I dare let you tempt me with compliments and sweet nothings, then I'll get lost in that nothingness, and be nothing. I can't do that. Not anymore. That's why… that's why it's time I let my soul bare. Just as you did, hahh…" Standing over her, I move closer, and stand before her looking her in the eyes.
I want us to look at each other as I show her my most intimate part.
"Lilia, the image you have of me might be positive, but I wasn't always like this. A long time ago, I was a bedridden loser having troubles moving on in life, and then… then I died. I need to tell you something."
It's time I showed her my soul.
Her face reflects a stunned expression, but she probably thinks I'm speaking in hyperbole.
Let's fix that.
My heart is beating fast. It's racing once more. I'm about to go into uncharted territory. This path of mine… I'm blind to its ending, but… I've never been more excited. I want to see its conclusion.
"Lilia, if there was anything you wanted to ask me. If you asked me right now, I will answer sincerely. Including that one question."
"I… I don't know what you are referring to."
"Really?" A devilish smile graces my lips. "Because I think you do."
I can't stop. I won't stop. I want it. I need it. I need to continue.
"I think there's a question you've been holding onto since the first day you met me. The question that's been in the back of the mind since the day you met me. The question you held back for the sake of my family. The question I let you hold back."
If you will ask it, you can have it.
"I think you were afraid of me. That you thought of me a curse, a blight, or something to be exercised, and through the years you've forgotten, but not fully. Even now, I think you still hold the question deep in your heart." I wrap my hands around her head, as I get intimate. We're close. My smile reflects in her eyes, as hers are wide open.
"Rudy…" She whispers.
My heart is racing. My throat is dry, and my eyes feel strain.
I feel that in my focus I'm not even blinking.
I can't.
I need this. Every little moment.
If I blink I'll miss it.
"I want to meet you Lilia." I play with her hair as I look into her soul. "I'm just… curious if Lilia feels the same way, or… does Lilia only want to play house. Do you remember the question Lily? Do you know the question I am talking about? The one you wanted to ask, the question I wanted to respond to. The question I could have never responded to unless pushed, like yesterday." I cup her chin with both my hands tilting her face up to me. "I will tell you all, but with a sentence, but… I still need your help. Your master is a coward at heart. His heart is beating so fast he might die in your arms from pure nervousness. Please…" I get closer as if to kiss her. "If you ask it, I will say it. So Lily…" I place my forehead pressed against hers as I whisper. "What is it that I could be talking about?"
Her hands dig into my back, nails piercing my skin as she hugs me tightly.
I'm not going anywhere just yet you know~
I have unfinished business.
"It's been a little over seven years, and I think it's time we met in the middle, don't you think." I pushed away, so I could look at her better, and wait. "Please will you meet me."
She opens her mouth to speak, opening it… then closing it, unsure of what to say. Before finally gathering herself. I think Lilia was about to disregard what I said… but she stopped.
Things are coming to an end, at least for now, but If my destiny is coming for me, then I want to decide its course, and I want… I need to know she feels the same.
I'm tired of being that lone boy afraid to move on. I'm tired of being scared. I'm tired of regretting. I'm tired of thinking of what if's and could have been. I'm tired.
I want to live.
Ask me Lily, ask me, and I will say it.
Badump.. Badump… badump…
I bring Lilia into my arms, reeling her head in as I mix my fingers in her hair, playing with it, and looking deeply into each other's souls.
I can make out her irises, their dilated.
I think I shocked her quite a bit, but I'm quite shocked myself. I was able to say so much, and yet not say anything at all. I want to say 'it' but first thing first, I want to know if she wants to know. I don't want to push my desires. I want to meet hers. I want to meet her halfway. If we're not even on the same page, after seven years, then maybe we really were just lost.
I see two paths before us.
We can get through this, in ignorance, and push things off like cowards.
I hate that.
Or we could push forward with the truth.
Unyielding, uncompromising, and raw.
That is what I desire, now… what does she desire?
There are so many feelings tied to this. I want to see if we stand where we think we stand.
"Hahh… hahh…" Lilia steadies her breathing. She closes her eyes, and her chest heaves up and down as she controls herself. The sun is shining brightly above us, and for once the world reflects my view. Nothing is hidden.
Reaching over her head, she tentatively brushes my arm off, and away, and scoots back a little, as she wiggles herself, and enters a seiza position.
They have that here too huh?
So proper~
With a resolute expression she opens her eyes, giving me a glance, before silently nodding. Grabbing her glasses, she removes them, and gently folds them and puts them at her side.
"Rudeus Greyrat; who are you?"
There we go~
The three magic words.
Finally!
My heart is at ease.
Funny… you'd think my heart would still be racing, but it isn't.
The hard part was starting. The easy part is finishing.
After everything I can't believe it took me this long, but I can finally say hello.
Adjusting myself, I put myself in seiza position, mirroring hers, remembering my manners, and getting ready as I prepare to speak resolutely, and without airs.
"Hello, Lily, my name is Rudeus Greyrat. But it wasn't always. Once upon a time it was… well, that doesn't matter. First thing first; I was born on a planet called Earth…"
ความคิดของผู้สร้าง 
Crownedclown
Crownedclown Ussually I have something to say, about the behind the scenes stuff, but nothing like that this time. I'll simply say that I have come a long way from my original vision.
The thing is I always put the characters before the plot.
That's the rule I live by, and what I feel separates good writting from great writting.
I had originally planned the fiasco with Paul to go down a negative route, a path of negativity, and self-destructivism based on the MC's personality, but as I kept writting. I realized that was now impossible.
Based mostly on Zenith.
Although a little bit of Lilia.
The funny thing is relationships build upon each other, and character interactions will offset sertain paths, and though I had an ending planned out from the beggining. Zenith, and her way of doing things, combined with Lilia, I realized that original script had to be scrapt.
Thoughts on story?
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