บท 500: 499. Gravity Falls Television 2: Comedy
The Weather Reporters, Hopediah, Polly, Sasha, Marcy, and Miguel all watch television in the afternoon the day after Summerween.
"So... that was Azura...?" asked Polly.
"Yep!" smiled Luz, excitedly.
"I am so happy with my life..." sighed Amity, smiling, resting on the couch.
"I don't get it... Is Hecate supposed to be her love interest...?" asked Anne.
"Seems forced..." said Sprig.
Like a lot of the relationships in this b-...
HM!?
What...?
What was THAT!?!?
Nothing...
"You guys should write better romance..." said Miguel, filing his nails.
"Nah... I think it's not forced," said King. "I think it's a beautiful relationship blossoming from rivalry."
"That's what you call an unhealthy attachment!" smiled Hopediah.
"So... Is Hecate like a Tsundere...?" smiled Marcy.
"YES!!!" Mabel hammered her fist on the table.
"Is she...?" asked Dipper. "I just thought that applied to Japanese culture."
"There are western Tsunderes, Dipper," said Sasha.
"Yeah... But isn't this an anime...?" asked Dipper.
"It's a western cartoon. Western cartoons cannot be anime. That's a very touchy subject among Weeb Cultures," said Marcy.
"Dad used to call Transformers an anime," said Miguel. "But it was a western cartoon... at least Generation One was...Let's watch something else..."
*click...*
*KSSH!!!*
Short 1: "There's nothing more insulting than corporate greed merchandising a soldier's death."
"HELLO, EVERYONE!!!" smiled Mr. Krabs, who appears on TV. "Agagagagagagagag! It is I! Mr. Eugene Krabs! I just wanted to say that the Krusty Krab is now serving Ben and Jerry's Ice Cream... WITH NEW FLAVORS!!!Stark-Raving Hazelnuts, Hunk-a Hulk-a Burning Fudge, and Raspberry Thorbet! These three Ice Cream flavors are incredibly popular, but to honor the fallen heroes, we have now capitalized!"
Spongebob runs into the room and whispers stuff into his ear. He runs back behind the camera.
"-'...introduced'...!These new flavors include...!Mocha-of-Steel!Batmana-Banana-Bonanza!Wonderous Watermelon!Brownie-in-a-Fudge!Aqua-Mint!Beep-Bop-Cyborg Grey Coconut! Get it! Because he's a cy-...Spider-Strawberry Surprise!Son Goku Super Grape! What...? What do you mean 'He hates grape...?'Vegeta Veggies! Ew! That's terrible!Captain American Sundae!Captain Marvelous Sundae!Shazam Family Sundae! Formerly known as Captain Marvelous Family Sundae, but people kept confusing the original Captain Marvel, Shazam, with the annoying girl one-...Widow-Black Charcoal! We're creative! We swear!Bae-Ube Hawkeye! Because we're not racist and Hawkeye is purple!Red Velvet Stardust Reaper! The first Reaper!Mocha-Mocha Stone Ocean Reaper! The girl one!Stardust Crusader Special!Jessica Polnareff Jam Peach!Stone Ocean Peppermint!Anastasia Almond!Jump Force Joe Float!Joestar Jellybean!The Jazz Fusion Butterscotch!Apple Prince of Cartoon Comedy!Laserheart Cherry!Smooch Spumoni!And many more!We even changed the Filipino flavors from Ube, Coconut, and Mango to other actual flavors so we won't say that we're racist! AGAGAGAGAGAGAG!!!Go to the Krusty Krab, now!!!"
Back to the scene...
"I wish we had ice cream flavors!" smiled Mabel.
*click!*
*KSSH!!!*
Short 2: "We can't reach for the stars until we leave our sofas and go outside."
"OOOOOOOOOOOOOOH OH WOAH OH OOOOOOOH OOOOOOH!!!" sang the Bikini Bottomite Evolved Starfish in the melody of Gangsta's Paradise.
The people cheer for the Starfish.
The three judges, who are all Evolved Newts, raise numbers, all of which were '8'.
"A-Ahem!" smiled the Atlantean, who wears a suit."OOOOOOOOOOOOOOH OH WOAH OH OOOOOOOH OOOOOOH!!!"
The people cheered even louder.
The three judges all gave that two '9s' and an '8'. No... '7.' No, no, no! '8.' The other judges frown at the third judge.
"OOOOOOOOOOOOOOH OH WOAH OH OOOOOOOH OOOOOOH!!!" sang the Naiad while woged.
The people cheered less because the notes were off.
All the judges gave a '2.'
"OOOOOOOOOOOOOOH OH WOAH OH OOOOOOOH OOOOOOH!!!" sang One-Eyed Wally in such a beautiful and melodic chime. He is then given a medal by the judges.
The Naiad is then punished as a hive of bees is thrown at him and he screams and shrieks on the ground as he is stung. "OH!!! OH, GOD!!! HELP!!! OH, GOD, IT HURTS!!! AH!!!"
Back to the group...
"Hey! It's One-Eyed Wally!" smiled Anne.
"Yeah..." said Hopediah. "He got way popular in the music big leads after he left Wartwood a few years ago. This show is called 'Gangsta's Paradise Croaking' and it's about singing the best version of Earth's song 'Gangsta's Paradise.' Guess it became modern Maharlican Television recently."
*click!*
*KSSH!!!*
Short 3: "It is what I see on my phone that decides what I should eat."
"Hello everybody! This is Jim, here! And I am here today with Jim to report that Springtrap had mysteriously gotten out AGAIN!!! It's as if Maharlican security is absolute trash and right now I have Jim here on the scene!" said Jim, a variant of Markiplier.
It switches to yet another Jim. "Hello! Jim here, representing the Reporters of Infinite Jims reporting to you about the killings of five children who had been stuffed into animatronic suits YET... AGAIN!!! What do you have to say about all this, Dr. Iplier (E-plee-air)?"
Dr. Iplier, yet another Markiplier, speaks to the mic while checking the pulse of a mangled child. "Mhm? Mhm...? Yeah, no! This kid's dead! They all are."
"Such tragic news! Over here, we have a witness claiming that he had nothing to do with this..." said Jim, as he gives the mic to Wilford Warfstache.
"I DIDN'T DO THIS!!!" yelled Wilford, who was bloody all over. "I'LL KILL ALL OF YOU WHO THINK I DID!!!"
"And we believe you, Mr. Warfstache..." said Jim.
The news team can be seen ushering Jim and Warfstache into a van.
"Jim..." said Jim. "I believe that you are showing the audience that you are being escorted with Wilford into the van and showing that the Reporters of Infinite Jims are in kahootz with Darkiplier-... I mean Warfstache and Springtrap."
"Well, Jim," said Jim. "I thought that that was the signal..."
"WELL, JIM, YOU SHOULD'VE TURNED THE GODDAMNED CAMERA OFF-!!!AMY!!!"
"Yep?" asked the camerawoman.
"TURN THE GODDAMNED CAMERA OFF OR YOUR FIRED!!!"
Suddenly, knocking could be heard on Jim's door.
"Oh, God... They've found me..." said Jim. "Hello, everybody! Jim here! I just wanna say that whatever happens next will be the end of this news show!"
"HEY!!! GET DOWN ON THE GROUND!!!" yelled a familiar voice.
"PUT YOUR HANDS UP!!!" yelled the other familiar voice.
"HEY!!! GET DOWN ON THE GROUND!!!" yelled a familiar voice.
"PUT YOUR HANDS UP!!!" yelled the other familiar voice.
"HEY!!! GET DOWN ON THE GROUND!!!" yelled a familiar voice.
"PUT YOUR HANDS UP!!!" yelled the other familiar voice.
"HEY!!! GET DOWN ON THE GROUND!!!" yelled a familiar voice.
"PUT YOUR HANDS UP!!!" yelled the other familiar voice.
"HEY!!! GET DOWN ON THE GROUND!!!" yelled a familiar voice, who was clearly jack.
"PUT YOUR HANDS UP!!!" yelled the other familiar voice, who is clearly Markiplier.
"WOULD YOU TWO SHUT UP!?!?" asked the third. "PICK ONE THING ONLY!!!"
"Sorry, Felix," said the other two.
Felix sighs. "Jim News of Earth T-1155893 you are under arrest for treason of the Maharlican-!"
"YOU'LL NEVER GET ME ALIVE!!!" he yelled, proceeding to take off his shirt as bullets shoot out of his nipples.
"GET DOWN!!!" yelled jack. "HE'S GOT A MARKIMILKER!!!"
*RATATATATATA!!!*
The Big Three all get down on the ground as guns go blazing.
*click!*
*KSSH!!*
Short 4: "The act we usually do to end a war is an act of war."
"Hello! I am the Nostalgia Critic! I remember it so you don't have to! BLEUGH!!! This movie FUCKING SUCKS!!! Bleugh! Lion King 2019!Astronaut Variety Hour?"
"Ugh! Disgusting! I don't like it!"
"Why...?" asked MangaRamen.
"Because it's bad."
"Why?" asked MangaRamen.
"Because I don't like it."
"Now, there's your problem! Lemme dissect and nitpick EVERYTHING that's wrong with your criticism, your opinion, and your life choices in general. I'll say it in a very calm demeanor so that things I say that piss you off won't piss you off."
"Ugh! Nostalgia Critic, you're cringe!" yelled the My Little Pony character. "Everything about you is cringey!"
"In defense of Nostalgia Critic..." said a third random guy with just a stickman for an Avatar.
Everyone argues with each other about what is bad and what is good.
Back to reality...
"Jesus Christ... Why the hell can't we just enjoy the things we wanna enjoy and hate the things we wanna hate without these bastards' opinions even mattering or trying to even matter? They call themselves losers and their opinions don't matter! BUT WHY DO YOU TRY TO PERSUADE YOUR OPINIONS BY POSTING THEM ON THE PLATFORM!??! I bet this book is really bad and has a lot of issues, BUT IF SOMEONE NITPICKS OR DISSECTS IT OR EVEN DEFENDS IT it just proves my point that no one can enjoy shit without EVERYONE JUST SHUTTING THE FUCK UP!!! For... I don't know!? ONE HOUR!!!" yelled Miguel. "AND THAT IN ITSELF IS A RANT AND THEREFORE A PARADOX IF PEOPLE WILL LISTEN TO ME BECAUSE THAT'S THE VERY THING I WAS TRYING TO STOP!!! PERSUASION VIA GOOD LOGIC!!! DON'T LISTEN TO ME!!! LISTEN TO ME!!! WHO CARES!?!? IT'S A FUCKING MOVIE OR BOOK OR SHOW!!! NO ONE SHOULD CARE IF OTHERS THINK IT'S GOOD OR BAD EXCEPT FOR THE CREATORS THEMSELVES!!! WHY ARE WE SO CONTROLLED BY THESE TRASH NOBODIES WHO PROBABLY LIVE IN THEIR MOTHER'S BASEMENTS!?!?"
"Wow, Miguel!" smiled Sprig. "Your opinion sounded very smart! I should listen to y-!"
"NO!!! GOD-!!! DAMN IT!!!" yelled Miguel, throwing away his nail clippers. "NO!!! DAMN FUCKING DAMN IT!!! I AM ONE OF THEM, NOW!!!Hmph!" he yelled, crossing his arms and looking away while closing his eyes.
*click!*
*KSSH!!!*
Short 5: "We can never decide who's right or wrong. Except for the gods who watch our lives as if we're ant farms they kept in their silly little tanks. Funny thing is, they can't decide who's right or who's wrong either, except for the gods watching them. Funny thing is, they can't decide who's right or wrong either, except for the gods watching them. Funny thing is-...Yeah, that's right. That was a quantum physics joke. Bite me."
"Hi..." said the man. "Here are Top 10 reasons why the Philippines is bad."
Back to reality...
"Oof..." said Anne.
"Ouch..." said Sasha.
"Please change the channel," Miguel facepalmed.
Back to the TV...
Number 10. They voted for Hitler. Miguel JoJo was known to be the greatest supervillain the world has ever seen-...
Back to reality...
"Oh, God..." everyone facepalmed.
Back to the TV...
-... Did you know that? Miguel JoJo killed many innocent people and didn't care about it at all? I swear. This is from a legitimate source. Miguel JoJo killed innocent people in the United States and colonized it to strip away their freedom, only giving it Federal power as a last-ditch effort to avoid humiliation for his dynasty.
Back to reality...
"Is that all true...?" asked Marcy.
"No... Miguel actually saved the whole Omniverse because he cared and loved the people around him..." Miguel looks at you, the reader. "Something that, sadly, only you guys will get to remember because the whole world will remember him as a villain because of his past actions without remembering the good he had done. But you guys read his story. You guys saw that he did well not only for his own people but for all people for all worlds. No one would even be acknowledging it. Besides... Bugle-Planet controls a lot of the media and they decide who is the hero or not. They write the textbooks and write what's true or not because they're the leaders now. Not JoJo. No one cares about what's true or not anymore. Besides..." Miguel puts on his sunglasses. "There is no such thing as heroes in this world. 'Cept me. 'Cuz I'm awesome..."
"Why are you talking to the wall...?" asked Anne.
Miguel is staring at you. How? He is doing this by looking at the brick wall. "4th-Wall Break. None of you mortals will get it."
Everyone stares at Miguel, who still has his face a few inches from the brick wall.
"Could you...?" asked Polly. "Could you please stop doing that...?"
"Alright..." sighed Miguel, looking at the TV again.
Yeah! I wrote it that way! Haha!
Why...?
Suffering is funny.
"You're sick, Author," said Miguel, looking up. "I swear if you're actually the third Saga's Main Antag-..."
*click!*
*KSSH!!!*
Short 6: "We fear what we don't understand. And we don't want to understand what we fear."
A melodic tune could be heard.
"Hi!" smiled Amanda the Adventurer. "I'm Amanda!"
"I'm Woolie! Ba~a~a~a~a!" smiled Woolie.
Back to reality...
Miguel's eyes widen. "Dipper. Switch the Goddamned channel."
Back to the TV...
"We're looking for the Mango store!" smiled Amanda.
"I'm allergic to Mangoes!" smiled Woolie.
"I don't care!"
A very long, awkward, and terrifying pause occurs while the melodic tune continues in the background.
Three stores in the background appear, all with cartoonish eyes, while they dance to the melody.
Back to reality...
Dipper yells. "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA-!!!"
*click!!!*
*KSSH!!!*
"What was that!?" asked Dipper.
"Read the journal," said Miguel.
Dipper looks it up. "Oh... Wow... It's in Journal 2...! Apparently... 'Amanda the Adventurer is a mysterious show that plays on Gravity Falls Television, but often, those who encounter it on your screens will be sucked into the Television and turned into one of the objects in the background. Amanda is a very young Human turned into a Sinner Demon who once butchered his brother and buried him here in Gravity Falls, Oregon -...'"
"BORING!!!" yelled Polly, switching to another channel.
*click! KSSH!!!*
Short 7: "We watch poison and we eat it because it looks and tastes good."
"Hello, everybody!" smiled Springtrap. "It's me!"
*Freddy laugh occurs*
"It's Springtrap here... I've been recently released from prison. And I am proud to announce that I will be revealing a new restaurant!The Pizza Palace!" Springtrap sneers.
"This palace," said the narrator. "-...was created in commemoration of the Afton family, beginning from the first Afton, Johann Afton, born on 1900, who started Fazbear's Diner and created Animatronics for a living. Johann would then be replaced by his son, William Afton, born on 1920, who would soon become the greatest inventor known in the 20th Century. Sadly, his three children, Michael, Elizabeth, and Cry, were killed in non-specifically stated accidents all because of the Animatronics that were... malfunctioning...AND NOW!!! Physically enhanced and cleansed from the tragedy, Springtrap is now back, baby! Bigger and better than ever in the Pizza Palace! A giant mall bigger than the Mall of Asia! William Afton, hero of the 21st century!"
Springtrap winks at the camera. "Bring your children..."
Back to reality...
"Is no one gonna talk about the fact how we bring our children to a possible serial killer...?" asked Sasha. "... that kills children...?"
"Hey, look at the pizzas!" smiled Sprig.
"Ooh!" smiled everyone, seeing a pizza with the thickest and stickiest cheese.
"Your society's gonna die..." said Miguel.
*click!*
*KSSH!!!*
"*sigh...* Sorry, boys. That was too much philosophy for my taste..." said Miguel, shutting the television off.
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