บท 455: 455. Calamity Stones ~Two Figures in the Dark~
Miguel Ibarra opens the door to his basement, drinking some evaporated milk. "What the hell!?"
Miguel senses something wrong in the room. He looks around to check if something's missing in his room of what looks like antiques. Old objects like ancient weapons, chairs, tables, toys, apothecary tables, ancient gadgets, a giant triangular portal device, music boxes, and an interdimensional rift are all stored in the room.
However, one music box is missing, labeled as the Calamity Box.
Miguel senses the room. He looks at the door and sees that two shadowy figures run away and climb up to the garage.
He opens a portal to meet them, and they're already behind the house somehow. You see, the garage is at the front of the house to the neighborhood, and they somehow are already at the back. So, obviously, the two shadowy figures open portals away from Miguel.
Miguel, upon seeing this, squints his eyes with interest. "Very interesting."
Miguel Ibarra senses something very interesting. He smiles.
He opens a portal to them again.
They open a portal, but Miguel easily disables their portal by imploding it.
"So... you two seem to be new at Eldritch Magic! I bet you've been practicing around... Hm... Five years! Tops! Wanna have a go?" smiled Miguel.
Some sort of purple slime forms from the pouch of one of the figures. And a purple blade is formed in her hand. She then tosses the blades at Miguel, who easily uses his sticks to slap them away.
"That all you got, witch?" smiled Miguel.
She squints her eyes. The other witch charges and uses plant magic to subdue Miguel, who dehydrates the plant and begins tearing up. He then pulls out a blade of tears and tosses one at the first figure, who whispers to create an Abomination, a golem made of unknown liquids, which Miguel easily destroys.
"Well! Hilarious! Magnificent! Fascinating! Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious!"
"RAUGH!!!" The second figure nearly stabs Miguel in the neck, but she stops inches away from it.
"Naughty... Naughty..." smiled Miguel. "Well... aren't you fun?" He begins whispering Latin phrases and they immediately freeze, but they whisper as well and melt the ice.
They then shoot energy blasts at Miguel.
"I didn't think that Hellborns can be this powerful! And I can't believe you finally learned Eldritch Magic!Dangerous! But I'm sure Charlie could arrange something to... take control of you people."
"What are you talking about...?" asked the second figure.
"You haven't heard of me? Naughty, naughty... Your entire species revolves around me."
She squints her eyes and points further toward his neck. "Stand down, or I'll do it."
Miguel smiles. "Huh... At least I know that some Hellborns aren't very evil..."
"Yeah! I'm from the Demon Realm! It's pretty racist that you call us that! We don't use that term anymore after Aurora-!!!"
"Yeah, yeah! Succeeded Kuya Lucy. But in the end, just because she colonized the Boiling Isles, it doesn't mean that you aren't what you are, Hellborn Witch.And stand down... I can smell that you ate Mangu...Wait..." Miguel sniffs her.
She blushes, being creeped out.
"Can I have that Mangu in your lunchbox?" asked Miguel.
The first figure shrugs and the second figure rolls her eyes and gives Miguel the box with Mangu.
"Oh my God!" he smiled, eating it with a spoon he warps out. "I missed Dominican food! God! Is that Queso Frito!? Mm!"
"So... you're letting us go?" asked the first figure.
"Not so fast. I was just hungry, foolish witches." Miguel bites into the meal again.
The second figure prepares her blade. She is revealed to have brownish-purple hair and fair skin. And the other has darker skin and brown hair.
"Ugh! Amity!" yelled the first one. "I told you that we should've asked!Hey! Mister? Sorry about the inconvenience." She takes off her hood.
"Ah..." said Miguel. "If it isn't the Owl Lady.Luz Noceda of Earth-GF-137."
Luz and Amity, now 19-year-olds, stare at Miguel Ibarra.
"Sorry... But you can't have that box..."
The two frown, staring at Miguel.
Miguel whispers a spell that disables all their magic. He then wraps them around with his sticks, which turn into snakes that lock them in place.
They struggle to break free.
"Let us go!" yelled Amity, the one with purple hair.
"Haha! 'They struggle to break free!' HA!!! Good one, Author!Ha... Bi people...Just kidding. I'm also Bi... Or... Pan. I don't fuckin' know what I am... A Najimi, perhaps? Nah! I don't have ovaries, sadly enough!Let's go uh... Have more Dominican food or whatever. Not because I'm racist, but because I'm starving for it. God! Plantain bananas are FABULOUS!!! Also, I like your hair. Maybe I should try to dye mine..."
Miguel makes them float into the house. "Haha! Holy crap! I caught myself 'a couple of witches!' Huh! I should be called... 'The Witcher!' Hahaha! What a good series, too! You guys should-!"
The two facepalm, getting annoyed by Miguel's talking.
Meanwhile...
"BLAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!" cackled Dark Finn. "And THYAT is why... I SHALL BE THY BESTEST FWEND!!!BLYABLYABLYAHEHEHEHHYEHYEHYE!!!Call me Daddy..."
Darkiplier is unimpressed. He stares at Dark Finn, ominously. "Do you see this child?" Darkiplier summons a child next to him. He's adorable with that little sailor suit and a little helicopter hat.
Dark Finn nods.
"Hey, Darky! My name is Fwed!" smiled the adorable child.
"Hello, Fwed!" smiled Dark Finn. "BLYAHAHAHAHA!!! Call me Daddy!"
"Stop saying that. But... See that? I just gave him life. And a name. A soul. An... idea... An experience of this reality!" yelled Darkiplier.
"Uh-huh!" smiled Dark Finn.
*BOOM!!!*
The child explodes like an 80's explosion.
"HOLY FUCKING SHIT!!!" yelled Dark Finn, with blood and organs all over him. "OH, GOB!!! WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU!!!? OH!!! THE FUCKING CHILD IS ALL OVER ME!!! OOOOOOO-!!!"
"See? Your kind doesn't have the stomach to simply... take in this... so-called violence upon life. You, humans, are simply an enigma. If you want to join us, then you should be capable of what Bill likes to call... the inhumane.I like to call this... a performance...Can you perform well, Dark Finn? I don't think you can...Because you're disgusted with what I've done... Because you have humanity..."
"NO!!! BECAUSE THAT WAS FUCKIN' DISGUSTING, YOU GLITCHY SON OF A BITCH FUCK!!! OH!!! HIS ORGANS ARE ALL OVER ME!!! UGH!!! IS THAT HIS FUCKING... BRAIN ON THE FUCKING FLOOR!?!? OH!!! LOOK AT THE BRAIN!!! LOOK AT THE MOTHERFUCKING BRAIN!!!"
Dark Finn points to the dead child's brain on the floor.
"Gonna fucking hurl... *gag...* Ugh! Smells like memes..."
"Leave..."
"Oh!" Dark Finn immediately forgets everything that just happened. "Did I mention that I have this!?"
Dark Finn summons... Come Along With Me, as it brings a smile to Darkiplier's face.
"Perhaps..." said Darkiplier. "I have use for you after all."
Meanwhile...
"*hums to the theme of Jazz Fusion*Wa wa wa wuh wa wa wa!NANANANA nuh nuh nuh NANANA nuh nuh nuh... Here's a better one!*hums to the theme of the Owl House*Nanananana nuh nuh! Nuh nuh nuh NANANA nuh nuh!*hums to the theme of Amphibia*NanananaNA nuh... Nuh nuh NANANA nuh NA!!!*hums to the theme of Gravity Falls*Tun... tun tun... TAN TAN tun tun!*hums to the theme of Grimm*DA DAN!!! DA DA duh DA DAN!!!"
"God!" yelled Amity. "You're twice as annoying as Hooty!"
"Hooty! How is that old bird?" smiled Miguel.
"Wait... Hold on! You know Hooty?" asked Luz.
"Pfft! No doy!" smiled Miguel. "I'm guessing that you're a version of Luz and Amity who had a happy ending, huh?"
"Yeah! Just! Let us go!" yelled Luz.
"Okay fine! BUT!!! ONLY IF-!!!You tell me why you're taking... this..."
Miguel takes out the Calamity Box.
"That doesn't matter! We just need it before they kill our friends!"
"'They!?'" Miguel slams the table with his fist, smiling. But he puts his fingers under his chin."Hmmm... Huh... For some reason, I can't sense who that person is.Miguel Ibarra!" He takes out their souls, as their Astral Projections shake his hands. "All-powerful Messiah! Howdy!?"
"Oh! So... the Messiah did come..." said Amity.
"Yeah! What seems to be El Problemo?" asked Miguel.
"We need to give those stones to The Entity!" yelled Luz. "He has our friends, and-!!!"
"HOL' UP!!! If you're talking about the bitchy little bitch ass terror 'The Entity' I think you're talking about, FORGET IT!!! I won't give these stones to you! These were given to me after it was dusted away from Amphibia SPECIFICALLY BY THE GUARDIAN OF THE MULTIVERSE!!! They're so cute!!! Hihi! With their little tail and-... Sorry! Sidetracked! You cannot have this... I don't care if you are destined to even rival the Scarlet Witch... BECAUSE THESE ARE MINE TO TAKE CARE OF!!!"
"Miguel, why are there a Demon teenager and a Human teenager tied up by snakes while floating at our dinner table?" asked Anne, walking by in her demon form.
"HELP!!! HE'S GOT US!!!" yelled Luz.
"Luz! We don't know this girl! For all we know, she could be on his side!" yelled Amity.
"Well, I am his lover..." said Anne.
"See!? Wait... The Messiah fell for a Succubus!?Dude... Do you hate yourself, or do you have that much endurance?"
"Both," said Miguel, sipping some Guavaberry juice.
"But... I think that when you try to interrogate a couple of teenagers, you shouldn't be... strangling them."
Miguel rolls his eyes. "Fine..."
The snakes warp away and they drop on their seats.
"Oof!" yelled the pair.
"Try anything, and I'll disable your Eldritch Magic. What do you want?"
"Five years ago..." said Luz.
"Oh, Goddamn it... A backstory."
"We defeated Emperor Belos..."
"Uh-huh..." Miguel rolls his eyes. "That loser..."
"And The Collector."
Miguel immediately squints his eyes. "I'm listening..."
"We thought we destroyed him, but we only temporarily destroyed his Physical Body. He currently lives in the Mindscape... with his father... Who calls himself Bill Cipher. He's a Seraph who's insane and pretty much the destroyer of all reality.My mentor, Eda the Owl Lady, retired five years ago, and I ended up becoming the new Owl Lady and owner of the Owl House with King... But...One day, King, Eda, and our friends were taken by the Entity for ransom to get the Stones. And I studied about the Calamity Stones he wanted in the Bonesborough Library... but all we've found was an Echo Mouse.I learned that there's another prophecy. Something about the Entity and the Calamity Stones.'Upon the day when Summer Breaks. The Calamity Stones, The Entity will take.'That's all I've heard from the Echo Mouse. And I've been learning Eldritch Magic in Mewnie to understand how Multiversal Travel works using portals. And... I finally did it. Amity and I have been looking around for that... Please... give it to us."
"I'm sorry, but this isn't yours for the taking, Luz Noceda... Amity Blight... Wait... your names... Yes... You could be a team...!" Miguel sensed something hopeful. "But I can see... Yes... YES!!! THREE FROG PEOPLE!!! THREE SEXUALLY FRUSTRATED MULTI-RACIAL WOMEN!!! A SCIENTIST GRANDPA AND HIS STUPID GRANDSON!!! THE MYSTERY TWINS!!! THE OTHER MYSTERY TWINS!!! A GRIMM WHO COULD CONTROL THE WEATHER AND A BLUTBAD THAT CAN CONTROL TIME!!! TWO GAY WITCHES!!! I CAN SEE-!!!That I NEED MORE MANGUS!!! Holy shit!!!"
"Wait... was that just a prophetic vision?" asked Amity.
"Yeah... But I couldn't see 'til the end... Too bad. And good thing, too. I'll get a seizure if I did. Y'know what happened to St. John from The Revelation part in the Bible!?"
Earlier...
"Doo doo doo doo doo! I'm John!" sang John, walking down the street.
Hi John! What are you gonna do at this early dawn!?
"I'm gonna go and finish this song! This little song about Saint John!"
Isn't that fun? Isn't that fun? But do you think there's anything wrong?
"Like whaaaaaaat?"
Like a seizure.
"OH, GOD!!! FU-!!!" John drops to the ground and gets a seizure while a random beam from the Heavens is shot into his face. "AAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!! OH!!! GOD!!! OH...!!! THE PAIN!!! MY LIFE'S FLASHING BEFORE MY EYES AS WELL AS A PROPHECY FOR SEVERAL BILLION YEARS INTO THE FUTURE!!!"
"Billion?" asked one Hebrew. "Is that even a thing? And who's flashing that light into his face?"
"Probably a child. And I think he's drunk..."
"I DON'T WANNA STAY IN A CAVE FOR THIRTY YEARS!!! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA-!!!"
Now...
"That's horrible..." said Luz. "Does God really do those kinds of things to you guys?"
"Pfft! Haha!Yes...!" smiled Miguel. "Anyway... You're not getting the Box."
The two bow their heads.
"But I will help you," said Miguel.
The two witches smile. They turn to each other and smile.
"Gaaaay..." teased Miguel.
"Miguel!" yelled Anne.
"What!? We're gay, too! It's fine!" yelled Miguel.
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