บท 384: 384. Josuke Higashikata ~And Twitter~
"Lalalalala!! LALALALALA!!! LAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!" sang Josuke by the window of the mansion.
*knock knock*
Josuke walks toward the door and opens it.
"Hello, Josuke Higashikata?" asked the fish doctor, who is 5 inches tall.
"Yes?"
"I understand that there's a dying animal on the premises."
*SLAM*
Josuke slams the door shut and angrily stomps back on the couch.
"Who was that?" asked Finn.
"Someone who I now have on my blacklist," said Josuke.
"I had a cousin who had a blacklist," said Jake. "You know what happened to him?"
"What?"
"He's dead, Josuke. Very, very dead. Because apparently, Monochromicorns have rights."
"We have a cousin?" asked Finn.
"Had a cousin," corrected Jake.
"It's okay, Josuke! Your singing voice is fine!" smiled Spongebob.
"Yeah! You could be a failure who has no friends and has a dead-end job!" smiled Patrick.
Josuke squints his eyes. "Yeah... Could be..."
"OH, COME ON!!!" yelled Gumball. "Laserheart vs. Metal Boy and Laserheart loses!? I'll tweet about this!"
"Yeah," said Darwin. "Get over it, man. It's Death Tournament. It's just made for fun."
"Screw that noise! My character deserved to win!"
"But Metal Boy's abilities are just far better than Laserheart's! Tweeting it would be a waste..."
"I know what I should make! A... A CRITICISM VIDEO!!!"
Gumball and Darwin are watching some YouTube videos on the Smart TV.
"Gumball, that sounds like a very stupid idea with dire consequences in its wake," said Darwin.
Gumball calls someone.
"Who are you calling? Ugh! Why can't you just enjoy the things you watch rather than pitting them against each other? So stupid!"
"Hello? Yeah? Clive?"
"Who are you talking to?"
"Astronaut Variety Hour?"
*GASP* "NO!!! THAT MAN DOES NOT DESERVE TO TALK TO US!!!"
"He helped us when we fought Dragon Fly!" Gumball shrugged.
"He also tried to ruin my life as President of Fantasticon!"
"We need to create a criticism video to destroy Death Tournament!"
"I have a rather important question in that notion's wake. 'Why though?'"
"Because the world needs a hero..."
Meanwhile, Josuke tries to search online for anything wrong going on in Maharlica while Finn and Morty sat with him.
Josuke slams his head on the table, realizing that Maharlica is just too perfect.
"Ugh! Nothing! Stupid! Useless!"
"What's wrong?" asked Finn.
"I can't find any jobs for us to dooooo..."
Morty smiled. "Maybe you'll get more jobs if you use your head to not get the dead-end ones."
"Fuck off, Morty," said Josuke.
Rick walks in, belching. "Where the heck did my Alcohol Magnet go?"
"In the drawer in your room," said Morty.
"Thanks, Morty. I need that to absorb the TriState Area's Alcohol." Rick walks away.
"Was he just referencing Phineas and Ferb?" asked Morty.
"Yes," said Josuke. "Yes, he was.WHOA!!! I FOUND ONE!!!"
Meanwhile... Gumball finally reaches Astronaut Variety Hour.
"Hey, there, bud?"
"Ugh... What do you want? I'm shooting a very badly edited video."
"I want to talk to you about how to criticize someone."
"What do you want? A debunk? A video that maliciously destroys everything the other user is? A video that ruins a work of artistic value? Or an actual criticism video?"
"The right answer, of course! The one that maliciously destroys everything the other user is!"
"Okay... here's how you do it... You're going to have to start believing that he is Satan and that his work is punishable by death, bodily desecration, and torture."
Two days... later...
"Great! I still can't find a job for us!" sighed Josuke.
"Aaand... Done!" smiled Gumball.
"Gumball, this is stupid," said Darwin.
Gumball and Darwin watched the video.
Gumball opens with himself in rock and roll music and it ends with him wearing a black coat, red tie, and black cap.
"Hello, everyone! I'm Gumball Watterson! I remember it so you don't have to! Now let's talk about why Death Tournament is stupid and its creators deserve to commit toaster bath-..."
"This is an awful video," said Darwin. "And this is an incredibly stupid idea. Also, five seconds in and you're ripping someone off already! Who was it? Some guy who reviews stuff? Starts with an A..."
"Roasted!" laughed Rick, as he grabs a giant U-Shaped magnet from the other room. "Oh! Lick my ass, dildos!"
Spongebob and Patrick walk on the surface of the table and meet the pair.
"Did someone say 'Stupid idea?' Because boy!" smiled Patrick. "Do I have many!"
"Darwin says that posting a criticism video-..."
"Hate video," corrected Darwin.
"-... Whatever! Is a stupid idea!"
"Boy is that stupid! But don't worry Gumball! It's also dumb! And re******!" smiled Patrick.
"Jesus Christ," said Darwin.
"And idiotic!" smiled Spongebob.
"And life-threatening!"
"And risky!"
"And horrible enough that proves that you lack human decency!"
"The fact that you said the R-word is a lack of human fucking decency," said Darwin.
The two sea creatures smile happily and blissfully with a touch of nautical nonsense.
"Whatever. I'm posting the video!"
*click*
*BOOM!!!*
A large hole appears on the wall.
"WHAT THE FUCK!?" asked Josuke. "GUMBALL!?"
"WHY ME!?" asked Gumball.
"IT'S ALWAYS YOU!!!"
Several agents wearing black suits with the word, "Fandom" on the back of their coats enter the scene.
"We are here to censor you." The men spoke in uniform speaking monotonously.
"What!?" asked Gumball.
"Which one of you is Gumball Watterson?"
Gumball looks left and right.
Gumball points to Darwin.
"Negative. His face does not match according to our scanners. You have failed our test, Gumwad Waderson."
"The nicknaming is pretty unnecessary," said Gumball. "HEY!!! GET OFF OF ME!!! WHY DO THESE PEOPLE LOOK LIKE THEY'RE ABOUT TO BOMB A MIDDLE EASTERN COUNTRY AND FLY AWAY!?"
They then net him up with a net that electrocutes him.
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH-!!!"
Gumball drops to the ground, unconscious, as they pull him in.
"Guys... help..."
Everyone stares at Gumball as the Fandom Police flies away.
"So... anyway..." said Josuke. "Should we do something about that?"
Meanwhile...
"You, Gumwad, have violated the first rule of Fandom. 'Don't like, don't read.'"
"Who writes these laws!?" asked Gumball. "The internet isn't a sovereign nation for it to be worth writing laws about! Also, isn't the Fandom Police in itself the thing that no face should do because Fandom Policing is wrong as it allows Censorship!?"
"It was... Until the toxicity rose in multiple fandoms in our eight worlds. The fandoms have become toxic, often policing other people by censoring their toxic behavior. In the end, both fandom and casuals were imposing toxic behavior. Thus... The True Fandom Police was created by TheSexyFurry69696969696969696969696969 as the third side... A side that polices both sides in Fandom Wars. In the end, no one matters in the Fandom except for the spirit of Fandom. Call it authoritarian, but we are doing this for the Fandom, never the fans. If you do anything wrong, you die."
"YOU JUST MADE IT WORSE BY ADDING ANOTHER TOXIC SIDE!!! AND THERE ARE FASCIST UNDERSTATEMENTS IN THAT HUGE PARAGRAPH!!! A BIT SPOONFED TO THE AUDIENCE IF YOU ASK ME!!! YET... I AM NOT GOING OUT LIKE THIS!!! BEING KILLED BY FANDOM NAZI TERMINATORS!!!"
"All hail Fandom... All hail Fandom... All hail Fandom... All hail Fandom..."
*stomp... stomp... stomp...*
A large Fandom Creature... TheSexyFurry69696969696969696969696969... He appears as a giant humanoid weasel above several robot agents.
"I... AM... TheSexyFurry69696969696969696969696969!!! I AM THE LORD OF FANDOM!!! FOR THE FATHERLORE!!!Your punishment is that you shall be forced to watch kinky videos."
"YES!!!" smiled Gumball.
"... that aren't your kinks!!!"
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!"
A foot appears onscreen.
"OH, GOD!!!"
A Pokemon appears onscreen.
"What the fuck!? EW!!!"
Back in the mansion...
"He's the Multiverse's second luckiest man. What do you think?" asked Darwin.
Everyone goes back to their businesses.
*ring ring*
"WHOA!!! WHOA, WHOA, WHOA!!!" smiled Josuke, standing up. "Someone commented on our website!"
"Wait! Really!?" Darwin smiled excitedly.
Every one of them gathers behind Josuke to see the commenter.
"AngryBirdsFan2043?" asked Darwin. "'Help! Come to the abandoned warehouse at Spades Street! Please! Before he-...!'Yeah... this is a trap."
"Why is it always the abandoned warehouses?" asked Finn. "Also... yeah... this is a trap."
"It could be real!" smiled Josuke.
"Josuke. The guy stopped typing with a dash after ellipses and an exclamation point. He typed in his own abduction. If anything, he'll steal your kidneys."
"Yeah? Well... Maybe he had precognition."
"If you're that desperate, fine by me," sighed Darwin, as he took some coffee.
"Welp! I'm going alone!"
"What!? Why!?" asked Finn.
"Because I'm the leader!" yelled Josuke. "Duh Doy!"
Josuke stands up and walks away.
"Is... Is he the leader?" asked Finn. "I thought I was the leader!"
"Pfft..." said Patrick. "No, you're not."
Meanwhile...
Gumball is dropped into a prison.
Suddenly, a group of wrinkly starving people starts touching Gumball all over.
"AH!!! NO!!! PLEASE!!! I'M NOT FOOD!!!"
"Sex toy..." whispered one of them in a creepy and elongated way.
"Oh dear God... BACK AWAY YOU SEXUALLY FRUSTRATED SAVAGES!!!" Gumball takes out a bottlecap from his pocket and imbues it with Lucky Spin. It begins to spin around and orbit his finger. "I'M NOT AFRAID TO USE THIS!!!"
One of them lightly touches Gumball's leg and rubs his hand on it.
Gumball kicks him away. "OH, GOD!!! NO!!! JUST... NO!!! I WILL KILL YOU!!! DO YOU HEAR ME!? I WILL KILL YOU!!!"
"No... forgive us for our sexy language," said a starving bony woman emerging from the shadows in a bunny suit. "We... are the fandom. The true fandom. Years ago, we were living peacefully by having ship wars against each other. Until one day, TheSexyFurry69696969696969696969696969, one of our users, began policing our servers non-stop after he was offended. You see, one of us commented that Nala from the Lion King isn't that very hot.That commenter... sadly... was me...This one... The Dark One... got really fucking triggered... Then... He spread his poison by creating the Fandom Police and capturing those who offended him. Misogynists, racists, Nazis, ableists, pedophilic, Islamophobic, Anti-Semitic, and rape-excusing returned and joined him. Every Tumblr page, every Wiki, was corrupted by the evil TheSexyFurry69696969696969696969696969."
This woman reveals herself to be Sarah, the Ice Cream Fangirl of Gumball.
"Oh. Hey, Sarah," said Gumball.
"Hey, sexy!" smiled Sarah.
"First of all, Ew," Gumball crosses his arms. "Second... Wanna start a revolution?"
"Hell yeah," sneered Sarah.
"Okay," said Gumball.
Meanwhile...
Josuke pockets his hands in his hoodie jacket and crawls into the window of the abandoned warehouse.
*tik tik tik tik tik tik*
Josuke sniffs around. "Hm..." He can't pick up anything.
He decides to drop to the ground. "Hello?" he walked into the darkness. "Anyone?"
*CLANG*
Josuke drops to the ground, unconscious.
Later...
Josuke wakes up in a bathtub filled with ice and blood. "Oh... fuck..." coughed Josuke. "Why can't I feel my left kidney?"
Even Later...
Josuke meets up with the others in the mansion.
"You got kidnapped?" asked Darwin.
"Yes," said Josuke.
"Did you lose anything?"
"Just..." Josuke vomits blood. "...my left kidney."
"Welp..." sighed Darwin. "...the internet is a horrible place."
"God! Okay! Wait..." Josuke facepalms and sits down at the table. "I used to be the luckiest man in the entire Multiverse! My Stand Ability literally manipulates luck! Why is it in the last ten years this shit happens to me!?"
"Maybe you're punishing yourself."
Everyone turns to Morty.
"What!?" asked Josuke. "Why the hell would I use my Stand Ability to hurt myself!?"
"Well... ever s-since Mr. Reaper was killed around ten years ago... You l-left the Jazz Fusion. You became distant from literally every one of your f-friends. You only go outside when you go to work and you're practically a NEET. And here you are using your S-Stand to punish every bit of soul you have left in your u-unholy body."
Josuke frowns, staring at Morty. "I liked you more when you weren't this cocky."
"Don't hate the player, hate the g-game, brother," said Morty.
"Well... I guess you're right..." sighed Josuke. "I guess I blame myself for letting Mr. Reaper kill himself to save this stupid Multiverse. Well... Omniverse..."
Patrick speaks up. "It's okay, Josuke! You could be a loser who has no father and -..."
"Stop suggesting terrible outcomes, Patrick, especially when they already fucking happened."
"Oh. You have no father and you're balding?"
Josuke squints his eyes. "Ugh!" Josuke slams his head on the table. "Hey, Finn? Could you get your daughter to heal me up?"
"Can't you self-restore?"
"I can't if that part of me is torn off. Call Mint."
"She's out studying for her finals."
"Ugh... Sayonara life without fluid retention... hello proteinuria..."
"It's okay, Josuke..." smiled Darwin. "We'll be here with you, even if life throws you down and even though you abandoned us."
"Thanks, guys," Josuke smiled softly. "And please move on, Darwin."
Meanwhile...
"TheSexyFurry69696969696969696969696969!!!" yelled Gumball, now wearing a hooded cloak while holding a lightsabre. "I AM HERE TO DESTROY YOU!!! YOU HAVE RULED OVER FANDOM FOR FAR TOO LONG, THESEXYFURRY69696969696969696969696969!!!"
The pair stood above a volcano, dramatically facing off as the volcano begins to erupt. The heat of the volcano makes Gumball squint and sweat. His own tears evaporate in the air. Gumball growls.
"Foolish, Gumball... I was your friend from the beginning... Don't you know?"
Gumball gasps. "There's an imposter among us... and it's you?"
TheSexyFurry69696969696969696969696969 takes off its furry weasel mask, revealing the icon of Twitter.
Yes. It's Twitter, with a humanoid body of a Karen.
"NO!!!" sobbed Gumball. "NO!!! THAT'S IMPOSSIBLE!!!"
"Look at me! Sense it! You know it be true!"
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! NOOOOO!!!"
"Join me, Gumwad Waderson... And together we will rule all of the social media as father and son."
"I'LL NEVER JOIN YOU, YOU DISGUSTING BLUE BIRB!!!"
"Then... You will die..."
Twitter takes out a lightsabre and swings it toward Gumball. Gumball spins right and left as he does an aerial cartwheel and slices off Twitter's arms.
"Yield, Twitter..." said Gumball. "Or I shall take you out myself!"
"Do you really have the strength to destroy the very thing you love most... Watterson?"
Gumball angrily stares at Twitter. His expression hardened as the wind blew over his hair, which makes no sense since they're in a fucking volcano.
"Goodbye... TWITTER!!!"
Gumball kicks him as he falls into the volcano.
"NYOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO-!!!"
Later...
*creak...*
Everyone turns to the door and sees Gumball walk inside, wearing a Jedi's Outfit and sporting a Samurai braid.
Gumball sits next to Josuke and leans his head on his hand.
"What happened to you?" asked Gumball.
"Someone stole my kidney. You?"
"Killed Twitter and saved all Fandom."
"Dang... I thought you loved Twitter," said Josuke.
"Screw that noise. I'm switching to Tumblr."
Gumball walks away.
"Should we tell him?" asked Darwin.
"Tell him what?" asked Jake.
"Tell him that that place is toxic in a sense that they easily get butthurt by the dumbest shit?"
"Let him be happy, Darwin," said Finn. "Let him be happy."
"ALL I SAID WAS THAT DRAWING OF MORDECAI AND TWILIGHT SPARKLE WAS NOT THAT GOOD!!!" Gumball yelled in the distance. "I'LL AIRPLANE SOMETHING UP YOUR ASS!!!"
"RUN!!!" yelled Rick, running inside. "THE ALCOHOL HAS RISEN!!! THEY'RE ALIVE!!!"
Several bottles of alcohol with arms and legs cheer and riot. "DOWN WITH THE INDULGENT!!! DOWN WITH FOOLISHNESS!!!"
The army of flasks and bottles chase after Rick.
"I'm laying off to the internet for a while and taking a break," said Josuke.
Everyone nods in response.
"BANNED!?" asked Gumball. "I GOT BANNED!? NYOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO-!!!"
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