บท 337: 337. Bad Romance Part I
"And then! Pfft HAHAHAHAHA!!! AND THEN-!!!" laughed Miguel.
"HAHAHAHAHA!!! laughed Prismo.
"PERPENDICULAR!!!" Miguel laughs hysterically. "He turned... He turned...! Funniest shit HAHAHA I've ever-... HAHAHA-!!!"
Gabrielle facepalms. "He turned himself into a pickle.I've heard of this a thousand times and Rick still thinks it's traumatic."
Miguel and Prismo laugh hysterically. "You stole my-!!! You stole my thunder!!! AH HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA-!!! *WHEEZE!!!* BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!"
Suddenly, Miguel suffers a heart attack, drops dead, and dies.
Gabrielle sighs.
Suddenly, Miguel doesn't seem to be budging and isn't leaving the room.
"Miguel?" asked Gabrielle. "Not again..." she whispered. "MIGUEL!!!"
The door of Miguel's time room opens and he walks out laughing.
Gabrielle sighs and facepalms. "Hay Naku..."
Prismo is still laughing.
Suddenly, a portal opens and Jake the Dog walks in.
"JAKE!!!" smiled the pair.
"Wait..." said Gabrielle. "YOU KNEW THAT HE WAS HERE FOR 3,000 YEARS!?"
The trio stares at Gabrielle.
"PFFT-!!!" yelled Jake.
The trio laughs at her hysterically.
Gabrielle sighs.
Yurielle wakes up and gasps for her breath. "Gabrielle!?" she asked. "Jack!? Is... Is that you?" she grabs Jack's face.
"Yeah?" asked Jack.
"Where's Gabrielle!?" asked Yurielle.
"I think they're in the hotel," said Jack. "Why?"
Yurielle listens closely. "No... No, she isn't."
Yurielle pulls the Dextrose Cable out of her hand, grunts, and stands up. "Where's Daddy? An'... where are the others?"
"Your Daddy and Dark are killin' people who they think have connections to the Organization... F.F. and Ghost Rider are eatin' dinner somewhere. Sam went and saw Gabrielle and the Crusaders..."
"No..." said F.F., who is holding Baby Mikaela in her arms. "They're nowhere to be found in Maharlica. They're all off-world."
"Girl... What does that be meanin'?" asked Jill in Jack's head.
"I have no idea. That's what Bruce just said," F.F. points to Bruce.
"How'd she-?" asked Jill.
Bruce walks inside the room. "She's a telepath."
"How'd he-?" asked Jill.
"I'm Batman," said Bruce. "Also...Now...We need your help to find the Crusaders..."
"What? Why? I thought they were with you?" asked Yuri.
"They were..." said F.F. "But Johnny and I were attacked when we reached the room. Whoever they were, they didn't harm this thing."
"That's my niece, Mikaela," said Yurielle.
"Oooh! So this is a baby!" smiled F.F. "It all makes sense now! Wait... If this is a baby... Hmmm!!!No, it doesn't... It doesn't make sense, guys."
Johnny stares at Yurielle, thinking of... things...?
"What?" asked Yurielle.
Johnny immediately bursts into demonic laughter, smiling devilishly.
"Whoa, whoa, whoa!" yelled everyone, arming themselves with weapons and their Stands.
"Sorry. It's just my pseudobulbar affect," smiled Nicholas Cage. I mean Johnny Blaze.
Kariel walks in with Dark and Peter Parker.
"We can't find them anywhere," said Kariel.
"I killed a few people but they didn't give us anything," said Dark.
Sam also enters the room. "What? They just disappeared into existence?"
"Probably, it has something to do with the President," Peter turns to Sam. "Hey, Sam."
"Hey," nodded Sam. "What do you mean by the President?"
Meanwhile...
Gabrielle is searching for her friends with the screens in Miguel's room while Miguel exercises by doing bicep curls with energy constructs that are turned into dumbbells.
"Hey... Miguel... Bill Cipher..." said Gabrielle.
"What!?" asked Miguel, fearing what would happen.
"He's the one who made America what it currently is, right?" asked Gabrielle.
"An overpowered empire that advertises itself as a land of liberty? Pretty much," said Miguel. "Then again, that could just be my bias."
"So... if we kill Bill Cipher, does America become a regular country like everyone else?"
"No."
"So... our country suffers, America won't take responsibility for what they've done to us, and we become the bad guy for doing the same to them, after?"
"Well... your father's mistake was doing the same thing to them, after."
"After what these people did to you..."
"As I remember, the whole world decided to kill me. So technically, I should hate everyone. But I don't! Us... them... Who cares!? We're just a bunch of people who decide things. And every decision people make hurts people in some way or another but benefits the other. Usually, the one who benefits is themselves. Y'know... Mortal stuff."
"You say that as if you're above us."
"No... Just saying that we're both different. You people die. I can't. I want to, but I can't. If anything, you people are above me. While I stay beneath you and suffer, the world thrives from the cornfields born from the soil I was buried in."
Now...
Bruce, as Batman, faces against Funny Valentine.
"Bruce Wayne! The Batman! How funny that I've encountered you here in my office!Aren't you afraid that I could be recording?"
"I checked. And I already had every form of communication and media outlet in the vicinity destroyed."
"Ah! Clever! So! What does the Batman want with me?"
"I want my niece and my wards," said Bruce. "Where are they, Valentine?"
"I won't tell you."
"Let's do this the hard way."
"I agree."
Suddenly, several versions of Funny Valentine appear from behind Funny.
"Sadly, I have an army."
"Well..." said Bruce, as everyone, Yurielle, Jack, Kariel, Sam, Johnny, F.F., Dark, and Peter all appear before Funny Valentine and his variants, storming the White House. "I brought my own."
"This is treason," said Funny.
Yurielle smirks. "Not if you're under arrest for the kidnapping of Gabrielle JoJo, Narcos Anastasia, Mercuria Costello, Victoria JoJo, Miguel Ibarra, Nick Burkhardt, and Monroe-..."
"Okay! Okay! Fine!" sighed Funny, standing down.
"Hilbert's Paradox. Impressive," said Bruce.
Note: Hilbert's Paradox! It is a paradox thought by David Hilbert in 1924. It introduces the idea of a Grant Hotel with an infinite amount of rooms and how, if one guest leaves, or if a guest is added, you, the Concierge, must learn how to arrange the guests to not leave an empty room. This is how Funny Valentine's personality in each body in each reality functions.
Funny sighs.
"Is that why you exist, Funny? To rule the world? Or is it your shitty excuse for your jingoist ideals for the American grandeur?I fought someone like you.Christopher Smith. Asshole."
"Ah... yes... the one who betrayed me..." said Funny. "The one who joined your jingoist. His ideas were rather grand. Sadly... Everyone ends up leaving me in the end. Heheh... It's because you are all beneath me... Lowly non-constants. That's why only I have the power to save it... the world..."
Suddenly... everybody in the room began to feel... except for Valentine, who simply laughs at them.
Meanwhile...
Gabrielle sighs. "Welp..." said Gabrielle. "I think they're working together to find the Crusaders.KYA!!!" Gabrielle grabs her crotch and sits in a fetal position.
"What the hell is going on with you?" asked Miguel, seeing his daughter acting weird. "Ew. You're turned on."
"KYA!!!" yelled Gabrielle. "No... Someone-!!! Someone is-!!! Raugh!!!"
Funny Valentine smiles. "Fiona? Would you like to enter?"
Fiona Valentine enters the room.
"This is my Great-Great-Great-Great Granddaughter, Fiona Valentine," said Funny. "That is her Stand..."
A beautiful Stand emerges from her body. It is all white with hearts in its eyes and a pink dress. Its hair is standing up.
"BAD ROMANCE!!!" yelled Funny.
Yurielle is fidgeting on the ground and drooling.
Jack is grabbing his crotch and woging erratically, turning into Jill and back into himself repeatedly.
Yurielle and Jack (and Jill) turn to each other for a split second, blush, and turn away.
Dark has foam in his mouth and is shaking on the floor. "Yuki..."
Kariel shakes and struggles to point his gun at Funny. "Why can't I stop thinking about Antonio!?"
Johnny and F.F. stare at each other. Johnny makes an ahegao face, and so does F.F., suggestively staring at each other.
Sam is trying to rub his crotch but is stopping himself from doing so.
Bruce is on the ground, kneeling and motionless. "Diana..." he whispered.
Peter whispers, "MJ..." in silence.
Fiona is simply drawing the Stardust Crusaders, the Stardust Rangers, Bruce, Peter, and Miguel Ibarra all in sexual and suggestive positions.
"She draws Japanese Shunga and sells it. Any real person she draws will immediately encounter feelings that are based on what she drew about you. Right now, you're being drawn sexually. Therefore, you are all feeling-..."
Meanwhile...
"-...SEXUAL!!!" yelled Gabrielle. "The Shunga Artist drew you, too! Why aren't you turned on!?Christ, I cannot believe I asked my own father that...I feel so gross... and so good... EW!!!"
"Oh. I'm sacred. I can't really be affected by any form of seduction."
"Well!? Do something!!!"
"I can't! Funny will detect where the time room is and we'd be compromised!"
Gabrielle yells, "PRISMO!!! GIVE ME A KNIFE SO I COULD STAB MYSELF!!!"
Prismo, feeling awkward and blushing, summons a knife on the ground.
She pulls it out of the floor and stabs herself in the leg.
"KYA!!!" Gabrielle does an ahegao face.
Miguel closes his eyes and turns away. "Gah! Ew! Can you not!? We're in the same Goddamned room!"
"I can't..." she drooled. "Control it...Narcos!"
Miguel sighs. "Okay... Fine. I'll just kill myself so he can't track me into this place..."
Miguel opens a portal back into the place where everyone is being horny on the floor.
Meanwhile...
Narcos, Mercuria, Nick, Monroe, and Victoria are all turned on while within an unknown room.
"Gabe... Oh, yeah...!" yelled Narcos.
"Oh, God...!" yelled Mercuria. "Tricia!"
"Adalind..." whispered Nick.
"Rosalee!" yelled Monroe.
Meanwhile...
"K-... Kuya!?" blushed Kariel.
"Ugh..." said Miguel. "Hey, Dude version of Kariel."
"It's fine, I'm gay," said Kariel.
"Oh, dear God... *click click.* Avert your eyes," said Miguel.
Kariel looks away.
"Well, well!" smiled Miguel. "Funny Valentine! Makin' teenagers horny all over again! You're fucking sick, man!"
"Come on! You understand me, Miguel! You once wanted to have the power to have infinite knowledge."
"Ew! Like Rick!? Having infinite knowledge is hell, y'know!?" yelled Miguel. "Why do you think I only enjoy my own intelligence, which is law!? I don't know nothin' about Ph.D.'s and engineering!"
"Grandpa? Who's that Hobo?" asked Fiona.
"Just keep drawing them as they do it with their spouses," said Funny.
"Huh... A man of God, I see."
"I stole your Corpse. What do you think?"
D4C appears behind Funny.
"Boxing, huh?" asked Miguel. "Ever heard of Kali? AKA Eskrima? AKA Arnis?"
"Sounds ethnic," said Funny.
"I really don't understand why people like you. You raped a 14-year-old girl, you killed innocent people, and you're a mythomanic. Miguel actually wanted to save your country from Bill Cipher. You just think your country deserves more because you think it's manifestly destined to conquer the North American continent! No... You believe to conquer the world! No... THE WHOLE OMNIVERSE!!! Jesus Christ, man! You wanted to absorb the fortune of the entire world and give it to America while a hundred and fifty countries stay in the third world. FUCK YOU, MAN!!! You're full of American gun-slinging shit!Call me racist, but I'm God! I don't see race! So when God calls out on you, something's probably fucking wrong in your fucking head!"
"You're not God!"
"YES, I AM!!! I'M LITERALLY JESUS' REINCARNATION!!!" yelled Miguel.
"Well... yes... But actually, no," said Funny. "You're a half-baked Messiah. That's why you were punished, because, unlike Christ, you are a sinner."
"Screw you!" yelled Miguel.
I thought you weren't the Christ.
Yeah!
"Shut up! I say things when I'm angry! ZIP IT, ABRAHAMIC GOD AND FAT GUY WRITING THIS!!!"
Aw...
Ha! You're fat!
"Well!? What do you say, Valentine!? You and me! One-on-One!" yelled Miguel.
Funny takes out D4C.
"TOBU!!!" D4C blasts a punch toward Miguel, but Miguel blocks it with his stick and snaps his elbow in half.
Funny exchanges his right arm with an alternate variant's right arm, effectively "healing" it. He then slams his fists toward Miguel, but Miguel blocks the punches away.
"You saved the world for attention!" yelled Funny.
"Not anymore, jackass! I'm saving the world because I have nothing left to lose and that I care about these... Stupid... stupid people!All you care about is your country! You're wack! You do realize that if the world dies, America dies, right!?"
"The deal is that America will survive despite the Bizarremaggeddon!"
Yurielle begins to hear whispers.
"Yurielle!"
"Wanna have a deal?"
"Oh... Yurielle!"
"Deal? Deal?"
"Do you want to meet your Momma and Daddy again? Yurielle...?"
*woooooo~oooo!!!*
Miguel grabs the knife Yurielle threw at him and he stabs Fiona's hand.
She shrieks, as Funny angrily kicks Miguel out of the window. Miguel then opens a portal, but Funny and his flag appear from it and grab him.
The pair then end up in the Purple Dimension and continue their fight there.
D4C blasts a kick and Miguel blocks it as he spins and hits his right temple over and over again.
He then does an X position and clips Funny's neck between his sticks.
"Sticks give stonks, motherfucker."
*SNAP!!!*
Funny's body goes limp, dropping to the ground.
Suddenly, Funny appears from behind him, using another body.
Miguel uses a Taekwondo kick by kicking him using a back kick, slamming his heel into Funny's chin.
Miguel then beats Funny with his sticks over and over again.
D4C tries to punch Miguel, but Miguel contains D4C into a Spell Bubble he formed.
Miguel then pushes Funny in the chest. Suddenly, his soul leaves his body along with D4C.
"MIGUEL, NO!!!" yelled Funny.
"MIGUEL, YES, BITCH!!!" yelled Miguel.
Miguel then binds Funny's soul by whispering a spell and crucifying Funny on a cross made of an energy construct.
"Release me, Miguel Ibarra! You have no idea what you've just started!" yelled Funny.
"Where are the Crusaders, Valentine?" asked Miguel.
Miguel then squeezes his fingers as Funny begins to choke.
"I call this Divine Choking. Yes, that sounds like a sex thing. But it isn't."
Funny tears up, choking blood.
"Tell us where the Crusaders are... Then urinate on the American Flag on cam... and then you have my permission to die."
"Why are you... so... cruel...?"
"BECAUSE YOU MESSED WITH MY ORIGINAL CORPSE, ASSHOLE!!!" yelled Miguel. "AND YOUR COUNTRY IS THE REASON I WAS BORN!!! AND I DIDN'T WANT TO BE BORN AND SUFFER FOR 3,000 YEARS!!! OF COURSE, I HAVE A TRAUMATIC BIAS TOWARD YOU PEOPLE!!! ALSO, IT WAS AMERICA THAT DIRECTLY CAUSED MY DEATH!!! Your people hunted me down, framed me, and had the whole world crucify me publicly then tear my body into pieces!Now..."
He chokes Valentine more.
"Crusaders... Pee on the flag... Video..." he claps his hands twice. "Chop chop."
"You're... a fucking psychopath..." said Valentine. He unzips his pants as his flag is on the ground. A camera appears in front of them.
"AHAHAHAHAHA!!! YAHA!!! I was just joking! I'm not that petty!" yelled Miguel, laughing psychotically.
"You're insane..." said Funny.
The flag and the camera disappear.
Miguel approaches Funny. "Where are the Crusaders?"
Miguel punches him so hard that his soul cracks.
Funny vomits ectoplasm. "You won't kill me..."
Miguel kept on beating his face, and because of his abilities, he is able to punch the soul itself."Where... are the... CRUSADERS!?"
Funny bleeds ectoplasm. He bows his head. "You are so... filled with hatred... You act like you don't... But you do... you're afraid of what the world will do if you fail again... You're scared... You're afraid to die again... Every time you die... D4C could see you cry a little..."
Miguel is revealed in his room. He is revealed to be crying for an hour every time he was killed so far and resurrected.
"Alone... lost... confused... You're nobody, Miguel... You're no one... No wonder you hate yourself..."
"I never wanted this..." said Miguel.
"No one does..." said Funny. "Your hatred... actually terrifies me. I could see that even the variants of Dio Brando from other worlds fear this amount of hatred. You're fucking terrifying..." Funny gulps. "Are you happy now? That I called you terrifying?"
Miguel, with yellow demonic cat eyes, leans closer. "Yes..." he whispered with a Green Goblin-like voice. "Don't you know... how many realities... I've been forced to see? The horrors of this world? A mother... eating her own child... because a Vampire turned her into a zombie. A man... slaughtering enemies... after who lost his son... who he trained to become a hero like he is... A man... forced to suffer for 10,000 eternities... I saw his origin... he lost his son, Hercules, to his true father, Zeus. Zeus then punished him and tortured him. And now, he sits on his throne with an empty court... forever alone... I watched a tragic hero... kill children... who want to be a hero once more... So many people... So much pain... Like I have... That's why I will fight for these people... And I will beat the fucking shit out of the people who try and kill them. It's only right..."
"You are... defined by the law... What if there was no law?"
Miguel begins to get tempted for the first time.
"What if... the world... (except America)... What if the sense of 'law' is destroyed? You will be free... Miguel Ibarra... From being bound as a hero... And be who you really are meant to be... a villain... Like we are... If you hated the rest of the world... then you were a villain, too... Just like I am.Don't you agree?Will you take the first napkin?And join me?Join me... and you will be far more powerful than anyone could possibly imagine... No limits. Just... power... the power to kill everyone who hurt you... betrayed you... And the rule of killing wouldn't apply, because killing would just purely be a concept with no meaning... Wouldn't that be nice? You're God, right? Vengeance... is yours..."
Note: Do not avenge yourselves, beloved, but leave room for God’s wrath. For it is written: “Vengeance is Mine; I will repay, says the Lord.” (Romans 12:19)
"Repay to yourself... what is yours..." sneered Funny.
Miguel's eyes widen.
Miguel... found a loophole... Will he use it?
Yeah! Will he!?
WILL YOU PLEASE, SHUT UP, FOR NOW!? I AM STRESSED!!!
You get stressed!?
It's called Omnistress! Silence!
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