บท 109: Are you worthy?
Another month went by, and as preparations and fights raged on, Jack started to feel the pressure on his shoulders more and more, his mind thundering with a thousand thoughts, and his chest started to tighten and sink.
Jack didn't want to tell the others, not even Nancy, about what he felt as he was the one who was meant to lead and have the answers.
He could make jokes and try to intellectualize the things happening and the decisions he makes put in the end he was just walking down a dark path, hoping nothing grabbed his ankles, and ripped him into the dark.
He was starting to doubt himself and his decisions and the very concept of what was happening to himself and what he was turning into.From a normal life to a god who could shape an entire race of beings and send them to their deaths while he sits and watched.
He did his best to make sure none of the others found out how close he was to cracking from the stress of the game, the responsibility and the fact he will either have to die or could others to make it through.
He couldn't just subordinate every other candidate. The game wouldn't let him people and aliens alike wanted blood, and the other candidates wanted to win it all.
So much responsibility and accountability was placed into the hands to a self admitted lazy ass English adult who wasn't even 20. What could you do in this death game other than keep running and not think or look back at the pieces of his soul that would be taken.
Jack was lonely, scared, angry, sad, anxious, and most of all restricted in this ball of emotion. He couldn't let the gods see he didn't want them pitying him or seeing him like this weak human who did nothing but cry to himself within the confines of his caged soul.
Ironicly enough, he confided in the system more than those who, in the gods cases, he created and made for a purpose he knew was grander than himself.
Jack started to spend more time sitting down thinking about the future and how he should proceed so he could protect everything he had.
He wanted to try and get in the minds of the other candidates as his inner self looked down on his worth and ability.In his mind, they had secret abilities and knowledge he didn't, so he had to go above and beyond to keep up and surpass them while at the same time feeling like he's constantly failing.
Perhaps he could have gone to Nancy, but why would he burden her with his problems when she had it worse than he did he couldn't just whine to her when she's been taken from her children.
His duty now was to survive the game and help the gods do their jobs to the best possible standard and make his creations rise.
Jack, when he was alone, would talk to himself to try and figure things out and process them in any way he could.
"Haaa... God dammit I'm being a bitch right now people are dying in the border tribes and I'm sitting here having a pity party"-Jack
"I just want to know that I can do this and that I'm not dragging Nancy and the others to their deaths"-Jack
"..I just want to know that I worth what I've been given and that I won't mess it up which I'm likely to do"-Jack
"Great even listening to myself sounds annoying a broken record spinning in circles crying in a corner"-Jack
Jack slowly placed his hands over his faced as he felt his head hurt with all of this overthinking and self doubt and hate.
"The irony of being so powerful compared to before and yet I'm still plagued by the same problems as any other mind has on earth"- Jack
"Well, that's true a bad joke if I do say so myself"-Themis
Jack quickly shot up and turned around as he saw Themis God of Order watching him from the corner of the room.
A silence was held between them as they stared at one another, both looking and thinking at light speed.
"How long have you been here?"-Jack
Jack couldn't help but have a slight stutter to his sentence as he got up and walked back in an almost defensive measure.
Themis slowly walked to the couch as he sat down in a strict and small manner so as to only take up as much space as needed.
"Please sit Jack"-Themis
Jack waited a moment as Themis used his hand to gestuee to the seat next to him, and he slowly sat down again and made sure to maintain eye contact with him.
Looking back and watching these two looked quite odd as they were in a large white room with a leather couch, and on it was a small human and a powerful Jackrixis god of Order who while not the tallest of his siblings was still taller than Jack.
Themis didn't speak right away and turned to look at the ground and the air while he was contemplating to himself, and a smile creeped upon his face.
To Jack, this was the most emotion he had ever seen on Themis's face and was quite an odd thing to see for the first time.
"It is one of the highest honours I hold yo be the god of Order and I take immense pride in it"-Themis
"I thank you every day for the gift and power you entrusted in me so that my beautiful race could flourish with gods that look like them and protect them"-Themis
"It is my duty and life to keep the balance and try to maintain the balance among everything from the gods to the rixis and blues"-Themis
"But that also means I must stay in the background away from the eyes or ears of any being in the chance I affect the balance and defile what i swore to preserve"-Themis
Jack looked at Themis and was shocked at how Themis felt towards both him and the job given to him that he didn't know before.
"The reason I can do my job so well even though it is mysterious and requires great exertion"-Themis
"Is beacuse of the greater amount of love and passion I hold to everyone I know from the gods and you to the rixis themselves"-Themis
"This care and love I hold for them must be held back and pushed down so as to not end up interfering with my work and my judgment and the balance"-Themis
"It is my fate to be the loneliest of gods hiding in the corner, twirling the order in my hands to protect and serve them to the best of my ability"-Themis
"I am terrified at getting close to even my brothers and sisters as I don't want to fail at my purpose you have given me"-Themis
"This is all I know, and yet I can't help but feel the need to be close and protect them to raise them up and make sure they are the best they can be"-Themis
A silence blanketed the room as Jack stared at the floor with Themis and thought about what he had said to him.
"I must hold the burden so that my race can truly thrive even if I have to suffer the ice cold pains of isolation"-Themis
Jack once more thought before he finally looked at Themis and spoke.
"Why are you telling me this Themis? Why are you here?"-Jack
Themis placed his clawed hand under his chin, and he thought and spoke to Jack as his white and black eyes stared into Jack's soul.
"Quite simply because while I can sit back and allow for the mortals to go through the pain so they can become greater than before and be more than they thought"-Themis
"And even though I choose to be in the darkness so that others can bask in the light, I can't sit by and watch my creator fall"-Themis
"I can't have you doubt yourself or what you can do any longer... even if it breaks the balance and disrupts the order"-Themis
"You must understand how much it pains me to see the closest thing I have to a father hurting himself and drowning in the poison of disgrace that you harbour for yourself"-Themis
"You may not see or think it, but you have already gone to great lengths and done more than another possibly could"-Themis
Jack finally decided to speak up.
"But I'm just a guy who got chosen for this death match who doesn't know much of anything. I just played games and read stuff"-Jack
"It is not the contents and skills that we seek Jack but the power that comes from the humanity within you that makes you"-Themis
"We care not for if you have grand strength or vast intelligence. We just want you to be sure of your own intuition, and I want you to see what you have made so far!"-Themis
"You are blinded by the silk sheets of malevolence that shroud your mind and eyes in false self deprecation"-Themis
"I'm only a human Themis. If I fail, we all die, and I will be the reason for it"-Jack
Themis stood up and turned to Jack as he pleaded for his creator.
"You can not know the future and will only ever see and perceive a fraction of the past so how arrogant of you is it to say you are bound to fail"-Themis
"You chose not to be an all-powerful God, which means it's fine for you to be imperfect, and that's not even saying the latter is perfect either."-Themis
"May you not deprive your greatest strength, which is the part of you that makes you human"-Themis
"What's that, my soul?"-Jack
"More than you will ever know it won't go away with one conversation, but you must slowly hammer away the rust that riddles your mind and see the strength you hold"-Themis
"I.. I guess I can start doing that Themis. I'm not sure about it all, but he'll if you believe in me so much, then sure, I'll get off my ass and try my best to leads this shop were ever it may go"-Jack
"It's all I want, Jack. You don't need to hold the weight of it all by yourself. As you said before, we're a team, a family and friends, not a company"-Themis
Themis then sat back down next to Jack but in a much more relaxed and relived manner as if a bolder was released from his shoulders.
Jack thought of what was said and could only smile and start to chuckle at himself and what he was thinking.
"What's funny, Jack?"-Themis
Jack smiled at Themis and patted him on the shoulder as he spoke to him.
"Thank you for getting me out of the cycle. I was in for a little bit, Themis. I'll definitely try my best"-Jack
"It's all I ask Jack. Well, I should be getting back to work no time for the god of order or his creator, I guess ha"-Themis
As Themis got up and created his portal to his domain and was about to walk through, Jack quickly stopped him.
"Themis, wait a moment please"-Jack
Themis turned back and wondered what else Jack might need.
"I can't be having my god of Order without order himself, so I'll allow you to speak to and involve yourself more in the lives of others, I'm sure that a large part of the balance is what I want and part of that is for you to feel the love of your followers"-Jack
Jack smiled to Themis and was surprised by the rugby tackle of a hug given to him by his usually emotionless god or order.
Themis himself was shocked and quickly got up after almost tipping the couch and bowed to Jack.
"My apologies, Jack, that was childish of me. It won't happen again, and..thank you"-Themis
"No problem mate"-Jack
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MRgold1
MRgold1 Thought I should go deeper into Jack's problems and the similar thoughts his gods have.
Thanks for reading.
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