บท 7: 7
I want to tell her to send him off, to lie that I am not around. But I am going to have to face him one way or the other. And he is my problem not hers. I sigh.
How did I end up in this mess?
Oh by sneaking out with our married pastor every chance I could get. And I know I want to blame him for everything, for the babies I lost and for the pain I suffered in his arms but I cannot blame everyone for my faults. Maybe my parents were right in secluding us from the world. Maybe being religious robots is an escapism to them. Come to think of it I know nothing about my parents, just their birthdays and first names
How did they meet?
How exactly did they have sex enough to be able to conceive? They definitely look like the couple that would wait for God to come to their dreams, tell them it's time to know each other and only then will they turn out the lights and get down to it. My mother looks like the woman who would pray in tongues instead of moaning. I shake my head vigorously, the image of my mother beneath my father more unattractive than I would like to admit.
I, on the other hand went looking for screams and sweat in Masimba's arms and hell did I find them. Along with pain, and the realisation that I had fallen in love with the wrong person at the wrong time. I stand up, I cannot go down the road of how I lost my virginity to the last man my parents would expect. But it is not like they are that involved in my life.
I open the door and find Masimba standing in the living room. Tsitsi stands besides me like a bodyguard. I thought we weren't talking !
"What do you want?,"my voice is low. Like I have been taught, like it is supposed to. But right now it is not out of fear that if I speak out too loud God will strike me down. I am just tired. I want to disappear into a hole and never be seen on earth again. I want to be free of all this.
"To see my girl of course,"he smiles, trying hard to make all this seem normal. His smile makes my stomach churn. Maybe I tried too hard, maybe I forced an image into reality but the man standing before me is unrecognizable to him.
"I am no longer your girl. Go back to your wife and kids," I reply curtly. His eyes meet mine and I feel a shiver run down my spine. But I hold my ground. I stare him down till he realises something has changed in me and there is nothing he can do about it. Tsitsi, feeling the tension in the room steps closer to me and places her hand on the small of my back. Masimba's eyes follow that movement and they widen in what I think is shock.
He smiles.
That smile that tells me he has the upper hand now.
"Well, you will hear from me soon enough," he turns on his heels and leaves the room. It is a threat. That much I can tell. I have messed up, big time. And I can't ask Tsitsi to take me back to her home, it would be selfish of me.
How do you live a life like this? With people you cannot punch back always having something against you. My whole body is heavy with exhaustion. Maybe this is how far I stretch and what I need right now is an endless sleep.
"You are okay?,"she asks me, her eyes full of concern.
"Yeah, perfectly fine," I lie through my teeth but I already have that sick feeling in my tummy. What can I do now?
"Should we hightail it out of here. That threat rattled me. My mother won't mind me visiting twice in a week,"she offers. I look at her, wondering if she's crazy or what. But she is dead serious. So, she is not going to apologise?
"So that you can kiss me again and then flip me off?"I retort and stomp out of the room. I bang the door for good measure and then sprawl on my bed. Why does my life have to be complicated twenty-four seven? When I actually fall in love , I fall in love with a girl, one who doesn't like me on top of that.
But why did she kiss me?
And why did you take her seriously?
"My dad is not a bad man," I almost scream when I hear Tsitsi's voice. I didn't hear her come in. The matress sinks with her weight when she sits by the side. I don't move. " He used to be the sweetest person on earth, he used to be that hands on dad who knew about which panties are more comfortable. Can you imagine, he used to take me everywhere,’’I hear the smile in her voice, it tugs at my lips too, but I cannot smile, ‘’ When I got to high school, everyone in the neighborhood warned him that it was time he let me do girl stuff or I would end up thinking I am a boy. Now that would be an abomination wouldn't it. Dad used to laugh it off saying I could be whoever I wanted. But my mother was worried. So she tried to stir me in the right direction. But I already knew, I was gay. I mean I liked to call myself bisexual because that would at least leave a chance for me to be saved or whatever right? And it is not about my dad. Then he lost his job and he became a drunkard and the man you saw the other day. My mother's life became worse. So I decided to deal with my disease to lessen her stress. That's what the neighbors call it- disease. She tries to be cool about it, but I know she doesn't need me adding up to her problems,"she stops. I expect her to be sniffling but that's just not Tsitsi.
"So you are fighting what you are," it's a statement.
" No, I don't give a fuck anymore. ''
I sigh heavily. "I am not sure about who I am," I confess, in a whisper.
Silence.
Then she says "Yeah, it can be confusing. So how about you and I try to take our time? You try to figure out this shit,"
"You are making it sound like it really is a disease,"I laugh and she joins me. I turn my head to look at her. She is staring at me, with a lost smile on her face. Her hand comes to my cheek and she starts caressing it slowly. I want to say something cheesy like "you and I met for a reason," but I can't locate where the cat put my tongue.
"I am sorry, " she whispers, then she leans forward and kisses my cheek. "Let's go eat,"
I take her hand.
********
Tsitsi is so funny, I am in stiches! And my stomach is so full I don't think I can accommodate any more food. But she keeps shoveling more down my throat. She is literally mothering me.
There's a knock at the door.
My heartbeat goes right through the roof.
"Don't worry, I called her," Tsitsi says, standing up to open the door. Who called whom? Her mother walks in, with a basket of what I think to be even more food. I have to be honest, I am happy to see this woman.
"Oh my God! Am I in heaven!,"she exlaims. She starts looking around the apartment, touching this and that and exclaiming. Then after she is done she finally notices me. "And the most beautiful thing that comes with this apartment! How are you sweetie!,"she hugs me and rains kisses on my face. She too is acting like yesterday didn't happen. This family can shrug scandals off like a husk. Why can't I do that too. " I am here to play bodyguard. Tsitsi tells me your uncle left a threat. Trust me he'll have to go through me first,"she actually pumps up her chest to show how strong she is. I give Tsitsi a questioning glare and she gives me a 'I'll explain"shrug. "All because you refuse to keep dating a man you don't like! Maninji! He should come!"she sits on the couch closest to the door.
So Tsitsi also took Masimba's threat seriously. It rattled me too but I don't think her mother can do much about Masimba or my parents.
"Thank you, ma'am,"I say , a little bit flustered.
"I am your mother, call me that!,"she responds.
And where is Tsitsi?
*******
It is around seven when a loud persistent knock threatens to break down our door. Mai Tsitsi, who has been busy talking non-stop suddenly gets into a belligerent pose. She comes so sit next to me, blocking my view of the door.
Tsitsi gets the door.
"This feels like back in the day when we would gang up on my father's mistresses. And boy was it fun," Mai Tsitsi whispers"But I don't buy the crap Tsitsi fed me. But you my child will tell me what is going on right?,"she cocks one eyebrow at me. I don't get a chance to respond because one of the deacons from our church barges in, singing and sprinkling anointed water all over the place.
And Mai Tsitsi thinks she can deal with that?
She doesn't move, she remains seated watching more deacons come in to cleanse the place. Then Masimba enters. My heart skips a bit. Now I am officially scared.
My mother appears behind him. I instinctively hide behind Mai Tsitsi and she grips my shoulder in a protective way. She still doesn't move.
It is my mother who speaks first.
"Who are you?,"she asks Mai Tsitsi who gives her a glare. Exactly how did we end up here? Oh I remember, I screwed the pastor for a year. Then I went ahead and got a roommate when I wasn't supposed to. I wish my father was here, he is not any better than mother but at least he hates drama so there wouldn't be any fights in his presents.
"Prayer meetings are not allowed in this building. If you don't vacate we'll have to inform our manager,"Mai Tsitsi responds in a very calm voice. Even my mother is taken aback. I want expecting it either. Just how much did Tsitsi tell her mother? Speaking of Tsitsi, she is standing by the TV with a broom in hand, just to make it clear she is just the cleaning lady. "I am here to take my daughter,"mother is now equally calm.
"We are very protective of our residents. You call ahead when you want to collect your child madam. So that we can enter it into our books,"Mai Tsitsi could give an Oscar prize winning actress a good run for her money. The deacons have stopped with the singing and the water sprinkling. Masimba and Tsitsi are engaged in a staring contest. I know who will win.
"So maybe you are aware of the sexually improper behaviours taking place under your roof?,"mother asks, staring down Mai Tsitsi. My heart stops immediately.
How could Masimba!
How could he say that to my mother! And I am not even with Tsitsi for crying out loud. I didn't know it was this bad, turns out it is. Mai Tsitsi glances at me, then back to my mother.
"We respect our residents' private lives madam. If you may leave now,"the way she is saying residents!
"You know homosexuality is illegal in this country and yet you condone such behavior in your building,"my mother's voice is shaking now. I know she wants to deal with the demons in this room right now once and for all.
"If you have anything you want to talk about with your daughter, you may do so at your house. Not here," Mai Tsitsi stands up. My mother hates being dismissed by others so she lingers for some seconds, shoots me a glare and then leaves with her team of the chosen ones. Why didn't I get a mother who hugs me before leaving? Why is she like this? And what is my father doing besides stealing money from the congregates of course that he can't deal with his wife. I sigh when the door closes behind Masimba.
"You two better tell me what is going on," Mai Tsitsi demands, sitting back down. I avert my gaze and concentrate on my feet.
What if going on is that I need protection from the only people who can protect me. What is going on is that all this will the end when I am dead.
I could say that but I cannot speak right now. I don't know what to say even if I could open my mouth. I know they'll come back, they will be successful in taking me away. Today was just a battle won but the war is far from over. In short, she didn't have to come. She just delayed the inevitable.
"Her mother is crae crae and wants her married to that gigolo who was trying to murder me with his stares,"Tsitsi says, leaning on the wall.
"No,I mean between the two of you,"
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