บท 152: A new beginning [9]
Throwing myself on the bed, I tried my best to remember what had just happened, but it was mostly just a blur. From Sarah shedding tears because of my beautiful sermon to the king looking at me like I was truly a blessing from god, while at the same time looking at me with pity in his eyes.
"Argh! At this rate, won't the lie that Zero is going to die be common knowledge?! Fuck! Zero, you stupid little brat!"
At least I had been reasonable enough to tell them that it was something they had to keep secret, but what kind of king would be able to keep such a thing hidden away? "Haaa... I guess it's fine... At least I managed to get the king to regard me as someone who truly was sent by Theia... I was lucky that Loki managed to intervene in time..."
The worst part about all of this was that I still had a small seed of belief inside of me, a small seed that told me that nothing I said was untrue. No, the worst part was that even now I had a smile plastered on my face, a smile showing just how fun I honestly felt this was.
Although it was regrettable that I had told them about the fact that I would die, it was unbelievably entertaining to think about how the future would play out. 'Saint Zero and the demon worshipper James, what kind of play could I orchestrate when I had both of these actors at my disposal?'
'Thinking about it, shouldn't I try to change back to see what it's like?'
From the time my body had gotten reconstructed, I hadn't changed back into James even once, so I had no idea how it actually worked. To top it off, I didn't even know how to do it. Thankfully, I had someone I could ask.
'-Loki! How do I change forms?'
'-Hmm? Are you already giving up on infiltrating Mensch? That's a bit disappointing... I was looking forward to seeing Zero in action a lot more...'
'-No, I just need to try it to see how it works. Also, I still have a lot to do here that requires me to act as James. I don't think people would like it if Saint Zero does what I'm planning on doing.'
Understanding my situation, I almost felt like I could see a huge grin behind the mask I couldn't see, '-I see, that does make a lot of sense... Well, it's simple. Just visualize yourself becoming James and shout "transform!".'
...
'-... excuse me?'
'-Shout "transform". I learned from some of your memories, that people in those cartoons often shout when they change forms.'
Disconnecting Loki from my mind, I stared up at the ceiling, feeling like I wanted to cry. "This... this is not okay..."
After a second of thinking about setting the world on fire, I got out of my bed and steeled my mind, "T-Transform!"
*Thump!*
An immensely strong beat of my heart was felt before I was attacked by pain torturous enough for a man to lose his mind, pain that I had only felt twice in my lives so far. A pain that was more than strong enough to make me fall to the floor. "Guh!"
Every little atom in my body felt like they were breaking apart, quickly deconstructing and reconstructing at an unfathomable rate.
Before I knew it, bubbles started to emerge from my every pore, quickly enveloping me and sheltering me from the outside world. But then, the bubbles started to evaporate, changing from fluids to a very welcome gas form that I had gotten so incredibly used to.
Instead of being caged in a surge of bubbles, I was now kept in a cocoon of mist, quickly swirling around me as if to welcome me home. And then, I was back.
With shaky legs, I stood up.
Now, my mind was clear again, with my emotions once again feeling as if they were submerged underwater. The colorful and vibrant surroundings had regained their tint of gray, and there were no more doubts in my heart. It was as if looking through the mask I now had on my face was the real way for me to view the world.
At that point, I fully understood everything that had been going on, and I understood why I had been acting like such a fool while I was in my other form. A tinge of anger rose up in me as I reconnected with the god who was probably laughing his guts out.
'-Loki... Did you choose to not tell me on purpose?'
'-Hohoho! Tell you what, my young apostle?'
'-Don't play with me. You chose not to tell me that I was acting like a fool. So what is this? I am back to normal while in my 1st form, but does that mean I will always be like that in my 2nd form?'
'-Don't worry, I did not lie when I said I believe that your mind will stabilize with time. It was just that I didn't feel the need to tell you that those episodes weren't the only signs of your unstable mind.'
It was now so obvious to me how differently I had acted even outside of those episodes where I lost control of my body. From the fact that I somehow was okay with lying to how I was playing around like an idiot. In a normal state of mind, I would have never acted that chaotically.
Thinking about it, it wasn't that I didn't find it a bit amusing, but at the same time, I felt like I had been acting like a big liability. '-Don't worry about it too much. Zero is not in the same position as James was. There are now too many actors that will desperately try to keep him alive and support him from the sideline.'
'-That is true, but I'm guessing that if I don't force myself to stay in that form, my mind won't stabilize. And if that is so, that means I will have to concede the fact that some of my plans will be made with an unstable mind.'
'-As I said, there's no need to worry about it. Now that I have regained enough divinity, I can support you as well. So if I feel like you are doing something out of line, I can warn you.'
'-That's rich, coming from a god who has been using me as his entertainment for these last couple of days. But I guess you don't have much of a choice. What was it? If I die, you die?'
'-So it is. Now, please do excuse me, but I have some other matters to take care of. Also, I think you can learn a couple of things from Zero. At least he is a lot cuter than you. Ciao!'
With our 'call' now being over, I was stuck with an inner frustration about the situation, mostly because even with the answers I got, there were still some question marks in my head. Although most were not that important, like the reason why Zero didn't carry the same feelings as James for Sarah, or why it felt like he was a lot more stupid, there was one that I truly felt like I needed an answer for.
'So, if my 2nd form is Zero... Then what are those episodes about?'
Now that I could confirm the fact that my entire being had somewhat changed when in my 2nd form, what was the explanation for the times when I lost control of my body?
To some extent, I felt like the simple explanation was that it was just another byproduct of an unstable mind, but at the same time, I felt like there was more to it. Although 'he' carried a lot of the same opinions as me, his inherent values seemed to be completely different.
Almost as if he truly was an entirely different person, a James that held the same core but had evolved in an entirely different direction. 'Is it a matter of two sides of a coin? Is that person the one I could have been if my circumstances had been different?'
Though with that being said, Zero also carried the memories of my previous life, also tainted by the sins we had committed. So why was it that this third person inside of me didn't seem to have those experiences?
In the end, there were only two plausible explanations in my mind. Either it was truly that my fragile mind had created this alter ego as an escape from the guilt that Zero couldn't handle, or there was another explanation that quickly make me feel as if I had a headache.
Why? Because the second explanation was something that I didn't think I could control.
'That foolish goddess... Did she honestly do something so cliché as to plant a seed of goodness or something in me?'
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