บท 18: NEXT STEPS
Zarah Fable
I'm so tired. Was what happened last night real or a dream? I open my eyes and attempt to regonize the real world from a dream one. I sit up and look around me. Whose room am I in? I remember coming to Kiki's house last night and talking to James and his mom but what happened after that?
"Morning sleepyhead."
I turn my head to where the voice was coming from. James stands in the bathroom doorway, shirtless. I can see when every section of his abs starts and end and then when the next one begins. I can feel my face turning red so I quickly look away before he can notice it.
"So I guess this is your room then?"
"Wow not even a good morning or 'thank you so much James for letting me stay in your room'?"
"Well I mean it's the least that you could do."
"Oh really now?"
"Yup. I mean first you get me pregnant, then let your girlfriend trash talk me, and agree with her so I believe you owe me more than one."
James begins to laugh and I do as well. His laugh is thick and hearty like it's full of life. It's been so long since I last heard him laugh like that. I has almost forgotten what it sounded like.
"Anyway, we should head downstairs. My mom wants to talk to you and prewarning Kiki got up early this morning and mom filled her in on what happened last night."
"Duly noted."
"There is a sweatshirt on the tray, it's one of the ones you left here one day and just decided to keep here. Mom cleaned your leggings from yesterday this morning so they are sitting with it."
"Thank you."
"Of course. And… I'm sorry."
I look back at James to watch as his face goes from happy to full of regret.
"I should've stood up to Cassidy and told he everything but I guess I just chickened out. This kid deserves a better father than one who can't even tell his own girlfriend the truth."
"James," I keep my eyes trained on him and he turns his face toward me. "We all make mistakes. And say things that we may think at first but then changing our minds. Its ok. This kid couldn't have asked to have a better dad than you."
His eyes widen. If thats in pure shock of what I said or from possible knowing that I'm right, I have zero clue.
"Thanks. Really, it means a lot coming from you."
"Yeah, anytime."
I nod and then begin to get out of the bed so that I can start changing. Getting the hint James begins to walk out of the room and closes the door behind him. I take off the PJ's, fold them, and then place them in place of the leggings and sweatshirt on the tray next to James' TV. I get dress, open the door, and begin to head down the steps.
"Good morning," Mrs.Danvers greets me.
"Morning."
Kiki's head pops up from the pan of bacon that she was supposed to be watching. She runs from the kitchen and I nearly fall with what seems like her full weight of her body on mine, hugging me tightly.
"Z, I'm so sorry. I should have been up, I should have known that it was you at the door."
"It's ok. Your mom and James took good care of me last night."
She pushes away from me and looks me in my face. I can tell that she is worried about me. I really don't want her to be but I know there is nothing that I can say to prevent her from worrying.
"Please Zarah sit down. I think this is a good time for all of us to have a conversation."
I sit down in a chair next to James and Kiki. Mrs.Danvers turns down the stove and moves the pans to that nothing burns.
"In complete honesty I had a conversation with your father this morning."
"Really, and what did he say?"
This isn't good. Her face looks worried like she isn't going to tell me what he said because she doesn't know how I will react to it.
"Mrs.Danvers, please."
"Dani."
"Excuse me?"
"Please Zarah, we have known each other for years, hell I even helped change some of your diapers. I think you have more than earned the right to call me by my first name."
Did she really have to bring up the while diapers thing? I nod my head and I can see her take a deep shaky breath.
"Well he certainly isn't happy with you. And after a long very passionate conversation, to say the least, I'm very sorry but he doesn't seem to willing to even hear me out let alone you. The only thing I could convince him of was to let you go back to the house to get all of your belongings or at least the things that we can manage to fit in the car. It should be quite a lot if we take Kiki and I's car and then James' your truck as well."
He won't take me back. I will lucky if he even thinks about me now. My father, the man I watched care for my mother with so much love, that promised to love me no matter what I've done has now abandoned me. Tears fill my eyes and come streaming down my face. I put my head down. I stare at the floor as it becomes blurry. Why, why can't he understand that it just happened. That I didn't mean for all of this to happen. All I wanted was for him to support me but I destroyed that. It's all my fault.
"Stop it."
I look up at James' face. Hes… frustrated. At me?
"Stop blaming yourself for something that is not your fault! If anything you should blame me! I took advantage, I could have said no I could have just put you to bed but… DAMN IT!"
James slamed his hands on the table and then goes upstairs. After a few seconds I can hear his bedroom door slam close.
"Ever since you left yesterday, he had been tearing himself up over what happened. So much so that me meet up with Cassidy aftward and told her everything. He came home with some form of soda in his hair and in tears. What evere she told him, it was rough."
"You mean you don't know," I questioned Kiki.
"No, after he came in, he got some water from the fridge and then went upstairs. Locked himself in his room all night."
"May I be.."
"Yes, yes you may be excused."
I stand up and head upstairs. I stop in front of James' door and knock softly. I slowly open the door to find James sitting on his bed with his head down and mis fingers nestled in his hair. He looks up at me slightly startled by my presence.
"What are you doing up here? Shouldn't you be making plans to go get all of your stuff?"
"We will later. I wanted to check on you."
"You shouldn't. I don't deserve it. Everything happening I deserve it."
"What happened with my dad isn't your fault."
"YES IT IS. I SHOULD HAVE CONTROLLED MYSELF. I SHOULD HAVE STOPPED, I-I should have stopped. Now your pregnant, your dad kicked you out, and Cassidy broke up with me."
"Wait, what? She broke up with you?"
James pauses. He puts his elbows on his knees and puts his head back down.
"She said that I was a lying, cheating bastard that doesn't deserve to find love and I can go rot in the deepest depth of hell. Then she threw rootbeer in my face and walked out. Before she closed the door to the cafe and yelled that we were done. I tried calling and texting her but nothing is going through which means that she also blocked me. Guess this is what I get huh? Hurting you and lying to her. All of the mistakes are coming back to bite me in the ass now."
I walk in the room futher and close the door behind me. I walk up to James and get down on my knees. I take my right hand and place it on his face so that he will look up at me. I keep my hand there and just look at him for a few seconds. His eyes are soft but filled with pain. I can tell he feels bad about how everything has happened so far. Even about things that he can't control like what happened with my dad.
"James, when I was younger I always thought that you were the most amazing person in the world. When I felt like the world was against me, you were always right there to remind me that I wasn't alone. And now It's my turn to return the favor. She's wrong James. You deserve the most amazing woman and to be loved for the rest of your life. I know that when you aplogized to her that you meant it. Obviously, she doesn't truly care about you. But there is someone out there that cares and want you to be theirs for the rest of their life."
His eyes stay locked on mine. His head trys to turn and break the lock between his face and my hand. I pull his face and and allow his eyes to lock with mine again.
"Hey, listen to me. I love you, okay? That will never change. No matter how you feel or who you fall in love with or marry, my feelings for you will never change. No matter what you will always have someone out there who loves you."
Oh good God. Did that really just come out of my mouth? Double checking all systems and I'm definitely sober. I wait for him to say something. James moves my hand and stands up from the bed. He takes a few steps toward the door before stopping.
"I don't know what love I feel for you."
"What? What are talking about?"
Now he was just confusing me.
"Do you remember a few weeks ago when you first met Cassidy?"
"Yeah of course I do. Not really something I can forget at this moment."
"After that day she continually joked with me about you having a huge crush on me and me potentially liking you back. I always brushed it off as nothing. At that point I thought that I only saw you as a friend. That when I defended you or talked about how smart you are it was only because you were my friend. After that night that caused all of this, I haven't been able to stop thinking about you."
I'm not dreaming, right?
"After what happened yesterday and you walked out, I felt angry. At Cassidy and myself. I never should have let her talk to you like that. Thats when it hit me, that there might be a chance I have feelings for you. That the reason I was so angry is because I didn't want anyone to hurt you. That more than anything else in this world, I want to protect you."
James turns around and faces me. Thats when I finally see it. The passion and fire in his eyes. This was new.
"So, I can't say it yet. I can't say I love you too. Not until I figure out how I love you. If its just as a friend or if it might be more than that."
"Ok. Whenever you are ready to talk, I'm right here."
He smiles at me and then walks toward me and pulls me into a kiss. After that conversation I thought that he might hug me. His arms slowly begin so wrap around my body. I can feel the heat rushing to my face. Damn, why did I have to love this so much? James pulls away and moves his right hand to cup my face. He gives another small smile and takes my hand.
"Lets go get your stuff from that asshole."
I chuckle a bit.
"Ok, I'm right behind you."
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