บท 3: Oh? Your Aproa-*Smack* OW! WHY? [Edited]
'Jesus FUCKING Christ leave me alone! Please!' Crookshanks thought madly as he hid inside the roof gutter, hoping to high hell that the mad man that was Mr. Granger never found him.
If your wondering why, well, long story short, Mrs. Granger wasn't exaggerating. In fact, Crookshanks would even go as far as to say that she was downplaying it. The man LITERALLY hadn't stopped talking since he got home... five days ago. Every single time Crookshanks was in the room with him he would hear non stop talking.
And the other two didn't help at all. Hermione would pamper and coddle him over everything and freak out whenever something (Anything!) happened. He went outside to take a shit once and wasn't gone more than two minutes, and yet the girl was already sprinting around the house yelling his name. He wasn't allowed to leave her sight at all until the next day.
The mother was somehow just as bad. She was constantly, LOUDLY, analyzing his every movement in an attempt to guess what he was thinking. She had tried for seven hours straight to get him to spell things with the fridge magnets, but he refused. At first he tried to play dumb, not wanting the hassle that would be actual communication with another intelligent being, but she had somehow known that. So they then played a seven hour contest of 'who was more stubborn'. In the end neither won since the woman just decided she would learn to read his thoughts through his actions rather than words. She already had three notebooks full of observations.
'I don't think I can take this anymore!' He thought as he slowly crept backward, trying to be as quiet as possible.
'You know what? No, I can't take this anymore. I won't! Fuck Harry Potter canon and fuck magic! What am I going to do with that? I'm a motherfucking CAT! I can find some other family to take care of me, some other family that doesn't have anime like characteristics.' Crookshanks eyes widened at the thought and he smiled (as much as a cat could anyway).
'Yeeeesss, yes that's it! I'll run away and find someone else to take care of me. Its shouldn't be to hard, I am a cat now after all! Why would I want to go to Hogwarts with Hermione anyway? There will dementors there this year-and Dumbledore is probably evil-so going there is just asking for trouble. Besides, there's no way that canon can pull me in once I leave, at least it can't so long as I stay far away from places where canon characters hang out.'
Sneaking out of the house after that was the easiest thing he had ever done, he did have the intelligence of a human after all (He tripped every alarm, broke three plates, a window, and a chair trying to get out the window, before deciding to jump through the mail flap, where he got stuck until Mr. Granger came down to check on the alarms. When he finally got unstuck he sprinted out the door that Mr. Granger had opened when he was trying to unstuck his pet, only to run straight into the car, setting off its alarm and waking up half the neighborhood. He only managed his great escape then after he had ran through a small hole in the back fence.).
Now on the streets, Crookshanks prepared himself for his new life. He decided that before he found a new family (something that he was convinced would take him no time at all) he would train a bit to get used to his new body.
'And the best way to do that is to spar. I wonder if there are any other cats around here that are willing to do that? I think I read somewhere that cats like to play fight a lot, so I just need to find one and figure out how to invite it to do that.' And so Crookshanks set off to find a street cat.
-o0o-
'Born underground, suckled from a teat of stone, raised in the dark, the safety of our mountain home, skin made of iro-OH! Oh ho, a challenger appears! Finally!' Crookshanks was pulled out of his absent minded humming (which just came out as a series of strange low screeching noises that didn't sound anything like a song) by the hiss of another cat coming from an alleyway.
'Greetings fellow warrior! I have come seeking an honorable duel! Who shall humor me?' Crookshanks stated with a series of meows that he hoped other cats understood. Over the last few hours he had decided that a little role playing would be fun, and had chosen to be a lone warrior seeking glorious combat. Then he got a little too into the role and forgot that he was just doing it for fun.
Rounding the corner he came upon the scene of a small, thin white cat hissing at a shabby black dog that was easily ten times its size.
'Fear not comrade! I have come to your aid!' Crookshanks ran up to the cat without hesitation and stated boldly, forgetting that while he knew martial arts and had combat experience, he still hadn't fought in his new body.
'This beast may be bigger than both of us put together, but that doesn't mean that this is a hopeless endeavor! So long as we work together and use our wit, we WILL make it out of this alive!' Crookshanks finished his inspiration speech and lowered his stance.
'Now then friend, let us begin!' He said and turned to see the face of his fellow warrior, only to find empty air.
Looking around quickly he caught the flash of a white tail as it disappeared around the alleyway. 'You coward!'
Turning back, he came face to face with the oddly familiar black dog, who was now staring at him curiously.
'Hahaha! I do not fear your size beast! Even if I fight alone I will still best you! I have studied martial arts since I was six and have won over a dozen tournaments. I may be a cat now but my skill remains untainted!' The self-proclaimed feline warrior proclaimed with a raised paw while letting out a series of inhuman yowls.
The dog just blinked at him, seemingly confused. It had never heard a cat make a sound like that before. Not even humans made sounds like that!
'Now, square up!' Crookshanks wasted no time and pounced, striking the dog in the eye with his claw and ducking under its jaw as it tried to bite him. Dodging to the left he started to swipe at the creatures stomach, only to get launched backward by its paw.
Landing and trying to ignore the pain in his face (which felt different then it did as a human), Crookshanks stood back up and looked back at the dog. 'Impressive, you can keep up with my speed. Though, I must admit that I'm not in my best shape right now, it is impressive nevertheless! Now I will show you the technique of a sixteen time martial arts champi-'*Cough* He was interrupted mid monologue by the dogs paw hitting him in the face again.
The Black dog was even more confused now. Why did the weird cat stop attacking so it could make those noises again? It obviously didn't help with its fighting ability. Was this cat perhaps one of those mentally challenged ones? How unfortunate. Taking pity on the creature, Sirius decided that he wouldn't kill it, just rough it up a little in hopes of teaching it a lesson.
-o0o-
"Crookshanks! Where have you been? I was so worried!" Hermione nearly screamed when she opened the front door to get the morning newspaper, only to find her cat sitting on it and staring at her.
"Daddy said he had found you stuck in the mail flap last night and then you ran away when he freed you! As if we would believe him! Obviously you're too smart to try and fit through that. Mum even made him sleep on the couch for losing you!" She picked him up into a bone crushing hug and nearly squealed in delight.
Then she held him out in front of her again to reprimand him, only to find that he was covered in bruises and bumps so severe she could see them through his fur, and he had a black eye! "By Merlin what happened to you Crookshanks? You look like someone threw you down a flight of stairs!"
Hurrying to find her mother, she failed to notice the look of depression on her pets face.
"Oh my god! Crookshanks what happened?" Mrs. Granger asked when Hermione brought him into the library where she was currently going through her notes in an attempt to decipher why Crookshanks had ran away.
'I don't want to talk about it.' Was all he meowed out before he jumped out of Hermione's arms and curled up on a chair to take a nap. To the humans though it just sounded like the cat had a stroke, only further confirming their worries.
-o0o-
Hogwarts School Of Witchcraft and Wizardry
A maniacal laughter echoed through an office as an old man wearing strange robes that were probably bought while he was high and half-moon glasses read through the latest report from his spy, Ms. Figg.
"Good, the whales sister will be arriving in a few days. That should do nicely to beat out the arrogance that the boy gained after killing the basilisk. Though, for extra measure I'd better reset his limiters, being weaker than a first year should temper his humility nicely. And so long as something too emotionally stimulating doesn't happen within the next few months it should be fine." The old man concluded as he looked over his plans for what felt like the thousandth time that year.
1. Get Sirius Black arrested to leave the prophecy child without a guardian.
2. Leave him in an abusive home so that when he eventually does come to Hogwarts he will be starved of affection and show absolute loyalty to those who show him any kindness at all.
3. Slowly manipulate him into thinking he is worthless so he will sacrifice himself, convinced that its the only helpful thing that he could do.
4. Destroy all of Tom's other Horcruxes
5. Swoop in and kill Tom, being the first in centuries to kill two powerful dark lords "by himself".
6. Get the Bitches(the femboys and traps).
It was a brilliant plan, one that the Weasley Matriarch had praised to no end upon hearing about it. Though she did demand some help in claiming the Potter wealth before the child died with the promise of half of it going to his vaults, so he would have to start him on the love potions for the youngest Weasley some time soon, but that could wait a few months. For now he needed to find someone to teach DADA this year.
He had been searching but just couldn't find anyone that was willing and qualified. Well, there was one, but the old man really didn't want to risk it. He had someone that had been trying to get the job for years now, but since he was so closely connected to the boys father and godfather there was a high chance that the boy might learn of his godfathers "treachery", and if that happened he might demand to meet him, and if that happened the truth might come out.
'No, no this could be good. Now that Sirius has escaped (somehow) having that creature here might actually do to temper the boys hatred for him. Surely after a year of that the boy wouldn't even be willing to talk if Sirius showed up here right?' The old man thought as he started changing his plans for this year.
'Apologies Molly but it looks like the potioning will have to wait until next year, that werewolf's nose would pick up on it the second they were in the same room.' The old man started chuckling.
Why was he so worried about something ruining his plans? Nothing could ruin his plans! No human, elf, goblin, troll, dragon, merman or werewolf alive had the capacity to challenge him! He was Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore after all!
"No one can stop me now!"
-o0o-
'It's been almost two months now, since that fateful day.' Crookshanks thought as he stared at the moonlight. The very same moonlight that he was bested in combat under.
'I had let my arrogance get the better of me. The first lesson I was taught was to keep my pride in check (He wasn't taught anything, he's bullshitting right now.) How could I have been so foolish? No matter. After weeks of meditation and reflection, I realize now that my pride has been my downfall. I hereby vow under this moonlight that I will never again let such a pathetic display occur. I will train until I can hold my head high without shame once more, but until then I shall call myself a warrior no more!' He thought with conviction feeling the wind against his fur.
"Mum! Have you seen Crookshanks? Daddy just brought him a new collar and I want to put it on him." A voice ever so rudely interrupted his monologue.
"He's in the kitchen window brooding again honey!" Replied another from the dining table. Traitor.
'I am not brooding foolish woman! I am contemplating my place in this universe now that I have given up my title of warrior. I am having a psychological debate with my internal demons on what would qualify me to once again take up the mantle. Now leave me to my thou-' He was interrupted by an arm picking him up into a hug.
"Crookshanks you need to stop pouting, just because you fell down some stairs doesn't mean you need to cry about it for two months! Now lets go, I left your new collar in my room." He was going to reply that he wasn't crying when he got back, he had just been sweating through his eyes from his fight, but was once again interrupted by a loud "OH!" and cringed as he felt the ringing in his ears.
"I forgot to tell you, Daddy said that he wanted to keep you in his room for that last few days before we go, so you'll be sleeping in his room until then, okay? Apparently Mum told him that you can actually understand us so he wanted to have as much time to talk to you as possible." His "Master" explained.
The dead look that he got in his eyes rivaled that of a corpse as he remembered once again why he had left that day in the first place. Maybe he had the right idea in the last chapter, death might just be the only way out.
-o0o-
(I would greatly appreciate some feedback on how I'm doing with the comedy. Like I said in the summery, I haven't really written comedy before so it would be great if you readers could leave some suggestions on how to improve. Other than that, thanks for reading.)
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