บท 2: Cancel Bloom
"I'm not him, Ta."
His words are still very clear. Shut up for a second, then I'm served him a smile in tears. Immediately my hand reached for the bag that was still in its place and left without a sound.
Good, he knows my weakness so he'll definitely go far after this. I have nothing to worry about anymore. Yeah, he would've gone the same way he did that time.
"I'll send you, wanna wear a hat? Your eyes are so red."
Badum!
I had to glance at him, it was true that he was still there. My footsteps felt so heavy, it really feels like old times. And after this, he'll definitely go away, right?
"You annoy me," I sarcastically said that he replied with a laugh. Maybe he's really crazy to not stay away from me.
I saw him coming closer and didn't say anything on purpose. As expected, he just put a hat on my head and nothing more.
Not having the energy to argue with him, I let him pull my wrist. Some of the seniors are still at school, so he took the lead while I was busy keeping my eyes down. Being lazy to search for trouble, my friend said Riki is one of the most wanted.
It's not that I'm filthy, but it's really exhausting to see a boy that wants to be close with me even stare at me so softly, not in disgust or pity.
"Wear the hat, I'm sorry I bring a motorcycle, not like other kids. I think you're hungry, why don't we eat something?" asked my senior when we get to the parking lot.
I know he was asked my opinion. Yet somehow my tongue felt so faint that all I did was stare directly into his face.
How on earth Riki can chuckle. This guy's really crazy.
"Get up, Ta, I'm not going to make you fall so just relax," said Riki.
Instead of going up, my legs are going backward. Thanks to his words I was so frightened, the cold poured up inside of me that it gave me chills. My glance was blurred so suddenly, my entire stomach was about to blow out.
Growing massive, my throat filled to the brim, and I ran out the gate and sat next to the gutter.
Huek!
Seriously, I think I'm crazy enough. All the food I had this morning may have been exhausted just once in the form of this disgusting white liquid.
"Drink?"
Still staring at the crap out of my stomach fill. Indeed I was squatting on the edge of the gutter that requires me to look up at him.
He was smiled, so cute. And yet it's unfortunate because he should now stare at me with disgust.
"Drink, Ta?" He asked me the same question again, made me take the bottle slowly.
"Right, smart girl. Get up here, I'll help you clean up," he said.
For a moment I didn't understand, the first thing I did was drink the water from his tumbler down to the bottom. Clearly, my eyes saw Riki laughing, he approached to direct the tissue and then cleaned the area of my lips.
Erratic heart rate. No, it's not because I fell for him. But this whole Riki did just brought me back to the memory of the 'he' that left, note, there's no going back.
I once again desire his presence, which is impossible, yet never meant to receive the same treatment he did to me.
"Thanks," I blurted out half-conscious.
He nodded, still with a thin smile.
"Ew. it's so gross. Ki, why bother taking care of people's daughters? Eh, even I feel disgusted by seeing it," said one of the senior girls that passed by.
She's good-looking with hair that is bunned randomly and barbie's eyes are also ripe lips. All men want, 'he' said when he was about to leave me back then, haha.
"Sil!"
Riki's face turned annoyed, ah my senior is obviously the person God sent me on purpose to make me realize that it's all my fault for letting go of 'his' hand.
"It's disgusting, Ki. You're indeed a crazy head, after knowing all, how can you still be willing to be with that stressed girl? Hope you do not regret it soon!"
"Silvia!" He upset.
"What the hell, it's all up to you now. I'll go and if you regret, eat up that all by yourself!" said his friend.
Their argument led me to know one fact Riki was just like all the others. He knows, and he's just pretending to be nice to me.
Before he held off, and while Riki was still arguing with that damn Sil, I left. Half within his hat and tumbler.
My backpack seems to be moving erratically. Only one comes to my mind, run, run and run as far as possible so that 'he' knows what it is like to be left without certainty. Without an explanation, a farewell would be so sad, stifling, and disgusting!
With gasping breath, at least I could make it home. Quickly I opened the fence and went in. To hell with Miss Minah shouting and asking scruples.
Blast!
Brugh!
I threw myself upon the bed of the damned. Then came back to wring the sobs while I clung onto Riki's tumbler.
Tight, painful. I want to shout and tell God to take my life away, so I can meet 'him' again and tell 'him' that I'm willing to give up my life for his life as long as there is no hell on this earth. Living in regret is so nauseating for me that I feel I don't even deserve to breathe.
"You're so mean, don't you?" I said as I laughed at my situation that time.
I was able to recall his death two years ago. It's not my fault if only my heart could admit it but it can't.
His body split into three sections right in front of my eyes. Blood spurts the streets, people scream, and his lips whisper my name even when his hands and feet are no longer shaped.
"Grab it, if you let go, I'll die."
Shane's my heads repeatedly, that words still there. I let go of his hand because he told me to keep my distance. I stayed away from him because he said he didn't want to see me being weak. I stepped back because he was just pulling back and forth.
Then why? Why is it that while I'm really away he frustrates me?
Back then, if his hand that tried to reach me really grabbed back, would he still live?
Will we go to the same school now? Can I join hands and go and back to school with him?
But, if he really wants me to let go why does my mind always have his sound?
Then if he still wanted to hold my hand why did he let his body split right in front of my eyes?
"Saka ...," I'm whined, calling out the name of the figure that always makes me miss but can't see me anymore even if I whisper the longing I left in the slow breeze.
I can't turn back the time to hold your hand. Please take my weary soul with the torments of your world, I whispered to the heart that lazy to bears the pain of betrayal.
To be continued
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