บท 14: Worn Out Apologies
When Li Caiyi woke up, it was morning already. Her fever had gotten better, but she still couldn't go to school yet. Looking at Li Chunhua wearing their old uniform again made her inexplicable situation feel even more real now.
Su Suyin came to check on her a few times since this morning, and at noon, she told Li Caiyi to rest while she was going to shop.
"Xiaoyi, if you want to eat, have some porridge in the pot. I have reheated it for you, but be careful not to burn yourself, okay? Don't kick the blanket away. The more you sweat, the faster you'll heal." Su Suyin said while looking at her daughter gently.
Li Caiyi looked up at her mother with complex emotion. Since she was little, Su Suyin was the one who cared about her the most. Even though sometimes she couldn't take care of her because she needed to pay attention to Li Chunhua, Su Suyin always tried to make it up to her.
When Li Chunhua accidentally broke the vase and cried, Su Suyin scolded Li Caiyi for being negligent and took Li Chunhua away to coax her. She was sad, but it was okay because, on the following day, Su Suyin would apologize to her and ask for Li Caiyi's understanding on the matter. Because she was the older sister, and Li Chunhua was frail and pitiful.
There were also times when Li Chunhua wanted to play with Li Caiyi and her friends. She tripped and got injured on the way, so Su Suyin berated Li Caiyi in front of her friends. However, Su Suyin would apologize again on the next day.
Another incident was when Li Chunhua got lost in the crowd while the three of them were shopping together. Su Suyin panicked and searched for her frantically; without noticing Li Caiyi had fallen behind her and could barely keep up with her mother. In the end, Li Chunhua was found, and Li Caiyi got scolded because she didn't watch over her sister well. However, this time Su Suyin didn't apologize to her the next day. The injury on her knees that day, she silently treated it herself.
The same thing kept repeating itself, and before Li Caiyi knew it, she grew numb to her mother's apologies. Because every time, even if Su Suyin said she loved all of them the same, the action proved otherwise.
After repeating the same apology many times, the value of that apology would decrease over time, and it turned into a habit instead. As time went by, even that habit was eventually forgotten.
However, Li Caiyi didn't resent Su Suyin. It was tough for her to take care of three kids simultaneously, and it couldn't be helped if Su Suyin cared more for her siblings than she cared for her. As long as her mother didn't hate her, it was enough for her.
Wasn't love always like that? No matter how much feeling you put into someone or something, there wasn't any guarantee you would get the same amount of feeling back. Li Caiyi understood this, so she dared not to ask for more attention.
She didn't want her mother to call her selfish again.
So Li Caiyi remained satisfied with a bit of love her mother occasionally showed to her until the day when Li Chunhua was drugged.
Su Suyin, who was gentle and never used her hand to teach her children a lesson, slapped her across her face for the first time in both their lives. Su Suyin screamed at her and cursed at her, scolding her for being a vicious child who ate her own sibling, and that she couldn't believe that such a terrifying child was born from her womb.
Su Suyin cried and lamented how she had failed as a mother for failing to protect her only daughter. Yes, she said her 'only' daughter. All those times they spent together were nothing for her mother because she wasn't 'her' daughter.
While Su Suyin was venting her anger, sadness, and anxiety over Li Chunhua's condition in Li Caiyi, her father, older brother, and husband only watched coldly from the side.
The amount of heartache she felt back then was immeasurable, to the point her mind was blank, and she couldn't feel the pain in her cheeks anymore.
Su Suyin became more aggressive with each second. In the end, Meng Renshu had to tell his bodyguards to separate them and sent Li Caiyi home. After that, Li Caiyi wasn't allowed to visit or contact Li Chunhua anymore. Everyone looked at her like she was a heinous criminal.
Those years of loyalty to her family were nothing before those allegations against her. No one spoke up on her behalf like it was how it should be from the start.
"Xiaoyi, you are in a daze again. What are you thinking?" Su Suyin reached out her hand to check on her temperature.
Li Caiyi used to like it when her mother stroked her head with that hand. However, the image of that hand fiercely slapped her until she was thrown to the ground suddenly appeared in her mind. Her mother's concerned expression was replaced with those of wrath and repulsion.
Li Caiyi moved his head away in reflex, and Su Suyin was surprised. "What's wrong, Xiaoyi? Did you have a nightmare? You looked so afraid of me."
"Nothing. I'll be fine, Mother. Please go ahead. I'll rest some more," Li Caiyi spoke in a hoarse voice.
"Well, okay then. I'll lock the door from the outside, so contact me if something happens, okay?" Su Suyin took a last glance at her daughter before she walked out of the room.
Li Caiyi's chaotic state of mind calmed down a lot after Su Suyin left. She knew that her family in this timeline had done nothing wrong to her yet, but she couldn't help but treat them coldly out of defense. She didn't know how she should act around them.
Li Caiyi shook her head. Let's put that matter off her head first and think about the more important things instead.
Why did she get transported back to this time? Wasn't this that 'rebirth' thing that those webnovel authors often used for the theme of their story?
If Li Caiyi indeed got re-birthed, what was the reason for that? Unlike those protagonists in the novel who had a deep grudge or regret in their life, she had cut ties with everything before she died. Because she wanted to have a clean ending and leave without bad feelings.
Li Caiyi ruminated about it for a while, and she concluded that perhaps the reason for her rebirth was her last wish.
If there was one thing she wished so strongly before she died, then it would be to meet Shen Qiang again.
The location of that abandoned building was famous for its rumor about supernatural things happening to it. Could it be that it wasn't a rumor, after all?
Except for this reason, she couldn't think of anything else.
Li Caiyi felt anxious about the idea of repeating the same life. The protagonists in the novel usually would use this chance to get back to those who wronged her, but she didn't want revenge at all. She only wanted to have a peaceful and more fulfilling life.
If she made a different choice in this life, could she change the bitter ending awaiting her at the end of the road?
Li Caiyi hugged her pillow tightly. All these thoughts made her head feel dizzy. She barely used any energy, but she was exhausted already.
'I want to meet Shen Qiang. I wonder where he is and what he is doing right now?' Li Caiyi thought to herself.
Suddenly, she heard vibrating noises from beside her. Li Caiyi turned her head and saw her old phone on top of the bedside table was lit up. She took it, and a nostalgic smile flashed on her haggard face. It's been a while since she last saw this model.
Li Caiyi tapped on it, and the screen showed a push notification for a new incoming message. It was from Li Chunhua.
She read her message and wasn't prepared for the incoming headache :
[Xiaoyi! Brother Renshu said he was going to visit you after school. Don't forget to brush your teeth before he comes! *winkemoji]
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PetiteSnowdrop
PetiteSnowdrop Hi, sorry for the late post!
It's been a busy day for me, with a new year coming up and all. I planned to eat delicious food with my family on the new year. For that, a massive house cleaning is urgently called out, there were barely any times to write at all... TT
What are you planning for the new year? I hope you will have a warm and joyful new year with your beloved ones. ^^
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