บท 124: Adrift l
BEN
-- THURSDAY, MAY 19, 2005, FINALS WEEK --
The red Civic blared its horn at me as I cut him off entering the traffic circle at Channing and Piedmont. I didn't care. I would have hit him and kept on driving. Didn't matter. Nothing was getting between me and my destination.
That destination tonight was the Tri-Delt house. Maybe I could have called. Maybe it would have been faster to call. But maybe she wouldn't have picked up. Maybe I would have had to drive over here anyway. I didn't know. I didn't care. My mind was racing down a single track, and that single track was taking me to her.
"CARLI!" I yelled into the house the instant somebody opened the front door. The girl who opened it looked familiar, but I didn't recall her name right away. Like I said: I didn't care.
"CARLI!" I yelled again as I raced up the stairs, taking them three at a time. It was a Thursday night during Finals Week. This was the most likely place she would be. But when I got to her room and hammered on the door with the base of my fist, nobody answered.
"CARLI!" I yelled at the unyielding piece of wood, gauging its strength to see if I could break it down.
"Ben!" somebody gasped from my left.
Hot-faced and with wild eyes, I was sure I looked pretty scary. At least, the way Nora Cavaday gasped and backed three steps away from me indicated so. "Where is she?" I growled with a ferocity that intimidated even me.
With a quivering jaw, Nora blinked rapidly in fear and extended a shaky hand back to the stairs.
"She's up with Leah."
I remembered Leah Hirsch. She was one of Adrienne's and my conquests last year, and the current Tri-Delt Secretary. I also knew where her room was, and I was back to racing through the house at breakneck speeds.
Speaking of breakneck, I knocked some poor girl over as I ran up. I didn't stop. I didn't care.
Leah's door was open, and there were three girls inside the room with their books out. All three looked up at me in surprise as I raced in. But before any of them could recover, I'd already barked, "Where can I find Jaron?"
The girls looked blankly at each other before I leveled a finger at Carli. "Jaron Hedlund. Where do I find him?"
I had to find him. This was all Jaron's fault. I knew it. Somehow, he'd seduced my Dawn against her will. Her despondent apology to me less than five minutes ago was still in my mind. She told me she'd messed up. She told me she'd cheated on me. She told me she wasn't the girl I deserved.
She told me she was breaking up with me, that she couldn't be in a relationship with me anymore. She told me she'd fallen from grace, that she wasn't the perfect angel that everyone thought she was.
I didn't believe her. She was Dawn. She was MY Dawn. She was perfect in every way. And somehow, I knew this wasn't her fault.
It was Jaron's fault. He was the seducer. He was the destroyer. He deserved to DIE.
"WHERE IS HE?" I howled again. Look up "apoplectic" in the dictionary. You'll find a picture of my face there.
Carli's mouth was open as she tried to process my request. While still in a state of shock, she mumbled a bit before finally grunting, "Haste Street just past Shattuck." It took her a few more blinks before she was able to spit out the specific address.
Nodding my head and committing the address to memory, I simply spun out of the room, raced down the stairs, and back to my waiting car. The Mustang was blocking the Tri-Delt driveway at an odd-angle, the driver's door still open. I hopped in, gunned the engine, and peeled out onto the street burning rubber. I zipped back to Piedmont, back through the Channing traffic circle, and pulled a hard right onto Haste. I dodged a moving truck and leaned on the horn to honk at a snail-crawling Buick until it pulled out of my way. And I nearly got into a head-on collision when I passed a 4Runner double-parked on the side.
I didn't care.
It's a miracle I didn't get into an accident. I barely got under 10mph at stop signs and nearly got T-boned crossing Telegraph, but eventually I made it to my destination. I pulled into a red zone and raced up the stairs, banging on the door of the address Carli had given me.
Jaron was surprisingly easy to find. He's the one that opened the door. The big guy frowned when he first saw me, wondering why the hell I was on his doorstep. But then his eyes went wide when he saw the murderous look on my face. And his hands went up defensively when I launched myself at his throat.
"FUCKING BASTARD!" I yelled as I got the element of surprise, knocking him off his feet so that he fell back on his ass, although he managed to shove me aside. I was just about to pounce when one of his roommates suddenly grabbed my shoulder from behind, spinning me about. I threw a wild haymaker at the guy, but he ducked it easily, leaving me off-balance and completely exposed.
But just when the roommate primed to punch me in the face, Jaron shouted, "No! Don't hurt him!"
The roommate pulled his arm back, and I spun around to stare at Jaron again. I rushed him, the 6'4" defensive end bracing himself for impact. I was still a lover, not a fighter, but I'd gotten into a few scrapes over the years and learned enough to not make a complete fool of myself. Still, despite my form tackle, Jaron was able to deflect me to the side so that he didn't fall.
I swung a punch at him; he blocked it with his arm. I bull-rushed him; he deflected me to the other side.
"Ben! Ben! STOP!"
"You fucking fucker! You fucking FUCKED HER!"
"Ben! I'm sorry! I thought it was okay!" he barked defensively.
"FUCK YOU, FUCKER!" I swung another punch at him.
"She came to me!"
"Liar! My Dawn would NEVER-!"
"BEN! I'm telling the truth!"
"Tell the truth to my fist!" I threw another punch, this one glancing off his pectoral muscle.
I hit him hard enough that he staggered back, and then sighing he started to enter the fight as well. Like I said, I wasn't a weakling, but the guy still had four inches and fifty pounds of muscle on me. He also knew how to handle himself, whether it was his football training or something else. And the point is: I was severely outmatched in a fight.
To his credit, Jaron didn't beat me up. He kept his roommate out of the fight, and more or less did his best to ensure that I wasn't TOO badly hurt. He kept trying to apologize, explaining, "She told me you approved" while I vehemently spat profanities at him. Feeling bad, I think he even let me get in a solid punch or two.
Ultimately, I ended up facedown on the floor with Jaron's knee in my back and my arm twisted behind me. He didn't try to cause me pain. Instead, he merely kept me pinned so that he wouldn't have to continue deflecting my punches. I struggled and struggled for a lot longer than I should have, to the point where he nearly had to wrench my arm out of its socket to get me to stop trying to hit him. And when my strength gave out, I simply sagged against the floorboards sobbing my pathetic heart out.
"How could you?" I blubbered, unable to see from the sheer number of tears filling my eyes.
"It just happened," he said mournfully.
"Behind my back!"
"She told me you guys were open about this shit."
"She would have called me at least."
"It wasn't planned. She nearly got hit by a car crossing Shattuck and then one thing led to another and..."
"No. Never. Not Dawn. She would have called me. She would have asked me. She's not like this. She would never do this."
"Dude ... I'm sorry," Jaron sighed.
My strength gone, I pushed my nose into the floor. I felt slime oozing out of my nostrils, joining the puddle of tears rolling down my cheeks as I forced myself to face the truth. Dawn had already confessed all. She'd gone willingly with Jaron to his house, initiating things even. Even though I still wanted to believe that he'd somehow coerced her against her will, the evidence just wasn't there.
This wasn't Jaron's fault.
My Dawn had actually cheated on me.
So this is how Megan and Cassidy must have felt when I told them. This is how Adrienne must have felt. It wasn't the sexual act that hurt so much, it was the betrayal. It was the belief that your loved one was devoted to you, was loyal to you. But they'd proven themselves otherwise.
I'd done this myself. I'd done this to three beautiful people, girls who had hearts of gold and truly deserved better. This was karma coming back to bite me in the ass. It was revenge for the sins I'd made before.
I lost her. I knew I could never lose her again. I told myself again and again, that the next time Dawn and I got together, it would have to be forever. I needed that, that concept of forever. It was my anchor. SHE was my anchor. And my anchor was now gone, leaving me adrift.
I had tried so hard to make it work. I'd seen other young couples crumble beneath the expectations of their futures, and I'd tried really hard to keep my own expectations in check. Sure, I wanted marriage and kids and the whole "dream"; but I didn't push that on Dawn. I recognized that she wanted to have her "fun" in the aftermath of her relationship with Ryan. I recognized that she was still young and had a lot of things she still wanted to do before settling down. And I'd done my best to accommodate her, to give her every freedom.
Despite giving Dawn her freedom, I'd lost her. Perhaps BECAUSE I'd given her this freedom, I'd lost her. Would she have cheated with Jaron had she not already had a sex with him? Would she have felt comfortable doing this with any other man had I not given her the threesomes and moresomes before? Hell, had the threesomes been RESPONSIBLE for her straying, giving her the taste of strange cock and inspiring her craving for more?
On the other hand, was Dawn just a ticking time bomb, too immature to settle down with me and ready to crack at any moment? Had the threesomes and moresomes only delayed the inevitable, feeding her addictions and keeping them at bay only for so long until she just had to get her fix?
I didn't know.
This, I cared.
I'd tried. I'd tried really hard to make things work. Weren't we so happy? Weren't we the model couple that every other aspired to be? We clearly loved each other. We clearly doted on each other. And where other couples showed jealousy and clinginess, we were open and accommodating.
I'd thought that by promising open honesty and acceptance, she would feel free to share her desires with me. She wouldn't feel the need to do something behind my back. But still, she did. I didn't understand. If she'd just TOLD me she wanted a one-on-one with Jaron, I might have let her. I might've been jealous, but it would have been better than losing her. But she cheated on me anyways. She did it behind my back.
Why?
I didn't understand.
Hadn't I done everything right?
Hadn't I done everything she asked of me?
Hadn't I been the perfect boyfriend?
So why did she do it?
I didn't understand.
Miracle of miracles, Dawn was still home when I returned. All my roommates were upstairs in my bedroom, and I mean all of them. Brooke and DJ had returned home at some point, and they were arguing with Dawn while Kim stood against the wall and observed with a stricken look on her face.
They all shut up when I appeared at the door. Dawn took one look at me and sat down on the bed, new tears rolling down her cheeks to join the tear tracks that had already dried up. Her right hand covered her mouth, her left hugged her own stomach as if that would be a comfort, and she sobbed heartbreakingly while staring at me.
"Ben! What the hell happened to your face?" Brooke came right over to me and touched my forehead.
I winced at her touch, realizing that there was probably a bruise there from Jaron repeatedly trying to pin me down. Actually, I probably had several bruises all over my body, whether from blunt force impacts or being squeezed by that guy's massive hands.
"Jaron and I ... had a conversation," I said quietly. Looking at Dawn, I sighed and added, "He pretty much confirmed what you were trying to tell me."
Dawn nodded and then stood up again, reaching for her bag. Only now did I realize that her roller suitcase was sitting on our mattress. Closing the lid, she zipped it shut.
"Where are you going?" I croaked. There was no more anger. I was tired, and I wasn't even mad at her anymore. I was scared. No, I was terrified. I was losing her, and I really, really, REALLY didn't want to lose her.
"I'm going home. My Finals are over," Dawn said quietly.
"You can't leave. Not now. Fix this!" DJ insisted.
"Don't leave. Please," I said quietly.
"I can't stay with you anymore."
"DJ's right. Please. Stay. We'll fix this."
She shook her head. "We can't fix this. I cheated on you."
"I forgive you."
She shook her head more vehemently. "No you don't. You're just saying that right now. I can tell you're crushed beyond belief."
"I'm crushed that you're leaving me. You can fix that. Stay and let us work this out."
"I can't. I have to go."
"Please ... don't leave me," I whimpered. I didn't care how pathetic I sounded. I couldn't lose her. Not again. NOT. DAWN. "Don't leave me."
She started shuddering, the tears that had been rolling down her cheeks now increasing their flow. She turned her face away from me, pinching her forehead down in abject shame. Shaking her head, she grabbed her suitcase and yanked it off the bed, stalking for the door.
Out of nowhere, Kim slid in front of her, blocking the doorway. Without a word, the impassive girl shook her head in the negative.
Her way blocked, Dawn whimpered and then turned back to face me. "I cheated on you."
"Why?"
"I don't know why!" she suddenly yelled, her voice jumping.
"Then let's sit down and figure that out."
"You don't get it! I betrayed you! Doesn't that hurt?"
"More than you can imagine. But I still love you. I still want you."
"No, Ben. You don't. I'm fucked up. I'm not the person you think I am."
"You told me that before. I don't believe you. You're my Dawn. You'll always be my Dawn."
"I CHEATED ON YOU!"
"A mistake. But it was with a guy we've already had sex with. And Jaron told me you nearly got hit by a car. Your adrenaline was pumping. It was a spur of the moment thing." My voice was cracking and I wanted to crumple into a little ball and cry, but I had to stay strong.
"You don't have to make excuses for me. I know what I did, and what I did has GOT to hurt you."
"It hurts. It really does. But we'll work through this."
"There's no working through this! Don't you get it? This wasn't a one-time mistake for me. I have a pattern now. Everyone thinks I'm this pristine angel. Everyone thinks I'm the perfect girl who does no wrong. But I do! I have EVIL in my heart! I want selfish things! And I'm a self-centered bitch!"
"No you're not!"
"Yes, I am! You act like this is the first time I've done this. It's not. Remember Greg Kinomoto at camp, when we were seventeen?"
My mouth went dry. I was shaking like a leaf, trying desperately to hold myself together until my strength could come back to me and I could fix this. But now, with my brain calling up the worst-possible images, I was ready to collapse. "You didn't ... You couldn't have..."
She sighed and shook her head. "I kissed him. I let him lead me out of sight. I let him hold me in his arms. And I kissed him."
I shook my head, desperately not wanting to believe. "It was a mistake."
"Two months later, I let Ryan into my life. I could have pushed him away, but I didn't. I got intimate with him, and by Thanksgiving you and I had to break up so that I could date him."
I was blinking fast, just holding on by a thread. "There were circumstances. I wasn't there and you were lonely and it's not like I was all that pure myself-"
"I would have fucked him. I knew you were my boyfriend, but I would have done it then."
"But you didn't."
She shook her head. "I'm a cheater. I'm a harlot. I'm a slut who wants to feel three strange cocks pounding their way into my body at the same time. I get bored fucking you one-on-one, dreaming of greater lusts. I want to try illegal narcotics. And I want to have my 'fun', no matter who it hurts. I'm a selfish bitch, and I've been disloyal to you. I'm FUCKED UP. And I'm not good enough for you anymore."
"You let me decide that," I pleaded, my voice cracking. "Don't leave me. Please, don't leave me."
She shook her head. "It's for your own good. You deserve better than me."
"I deserve YOU."
"No you don't. You always put me up on this pedestal. You think I'm the personification of perfection or something. But I'm not. I'm just an ordinary, human girl. And as much as we both wanted to believe it, I'm not the girl for you."
"You're my soulmate," I insisted. "And even if you walk out that door, I'm going to wait for you."
Dawn sighed, and gave me a look so full of sorrow that I finally did sink to my knees on the floor, though I didn't fully collapse. Kneeling there, feeling the splitting pain of hardwood biting into my kneecaps, I closed my eyes. I knew her next words would only hurt even more.
"Don't bother waiting. I'm not your soulmate," Dawn intoned quietly. "That's just a pipe dream our parents have been feeding us since we were little. Well the childhood fantasy is over. I'm not who you think I am. I'm a slut who has another man's cum dribbling out of her stretched asshole at this very moment. I wanted to be the perfect girl for you. I really did. But now I'm tired of trying to be someone I'm not."
I didn't answer. I couldn't answer. I was shaking so hard, feeling the death of my dream cut like a shard of glass right through my heart.
"Move. Aside." Dawn's command carried such a tone that the submissive girl could not refuse. Kim stepped aside, and then Dawn strode out of the room.
I just pitched forward until my forehead was on the floor, and I sobbed my heart out.
-- FRIDAY, MAY 20, 2005, FINALS WEEK --
I woke up with my eyes closed, but somehow I knew exactly where I was and who I was with.
I was fully dressed in my bed, still wearing the clothes I'd worn yesterday. My head was currently in the warm lap of a beautiful girl. And she was tenderly stroking my hair back from my forehead and along my scalp.
I stiffened slightly as I came awake, and her soothing hand stroked deeper and more firmly, calming me. I realized that I was cocooned beneath my blankets, the tight wrappings as comfortable for me as for a swaddled baby. And still with my eyes closed, I exhaled slowly before asking, "What time is it, Brooke?"
My little sister's sweet voice answered, "Almost nine. AM. You've been asleep for more than twelve hours."
Slowly, I cracked my eyelids open and blinked as Brooke's face came into focus. She had changed and showered since I last saw her, now wearing a cute pajama set with her hair held back in a simple ponytail. She was clearly dressed for bed, and if I had to guess, she'd spent the entire night cuddling me. And her soft brown eyes looked down on me with nothing but love, warmth, and understanding.
Recognizing these emotions, I realized that my brain was once again active and in control of my body. And with that activity came the memories of Dawn, and specifically the chain of events that had led to her walking out the door with her suitcase.
"Where is she?" I asked, my heart heavy.
Brooke sighed. "She's home. DJ talked to her mom last night."
Biting my lower lip, I stared past Brooke's ear at the ceiling, wondering how my perfect life had so spectacularly come crashing down. For once, I hadn't caused the catastrophe, not directly at least. I felt more helpless this way. At least when I fucked up and brought my world down around me, I knew to point the finger at myself. I could recognize what I'd done wrong and take steps to fix it.
But I still didn't understand.
Why had Dawn left me?
What had I done wrong?
"Why doesn't she love me anymore?"
Brooke took a deep breath, and it wasn't until she answered me that I realized I'd asked the last thing out loud. "She still does. She always will. Dawn is very confused right now, and she's got a lot of things she has to work through."
"How do you know?"
Brooke shrugged. "I just know."
I shook my head. "No you don't. Just like you can't see the future. You're just guessing, dreaming, speculating about what might come. You're no more clairvoyant than I am, and I don't have a fucking clue what's going on around me."
Brooke pinched her lips in a tight line at the harshness of my words. "Well maybe I can see the future and maybe I can't. That doesn't change the fact that you and Dawn belong together. You two are special. You have a connection that even DJ and I don't quite have."
"Some connection," I muttered. "I thought we were happy. I thought everything was perfect. But I didn't know she was fraying at the edges. I couldn't even tell she was about to crack and go fuck some other guy."
Staring down at me at a right angle to my face, Brooke reached up and cupped my cheeks firmly, forcing me to look right at her. "Now you listen to me: Dawn loves you. Period. She will always love you. Period. She's kinda fucked up right now, and she made a helluva mistake last night. But never doubt that she and everyone else in this family dearly love you. One night does not wipe out years of togetherness."
I sighed and shook my head, not able to muster the energy to argue. Turning my gaze to the ceiling again, I ruminated on how I'd gotten myself into this situation. I'd thought my life was all set: my academic career, my upcoming internship, and especially the soulmate by my side. But here I lay, alone again, and fuck all if I didn't still have a final this afternoon.
"This feels like déjà vu."
"Huh?" Brooke stopped stroking my hair.
"It's May. It's Finals Week. I overpressured a girl into settling down and being my wife and she up and left me. Just like two years ago."
"Huh?" Brooke frowned before getting it. "Oh, you're talking about Adrienne."
I nodded.
Brooke shrugged. "Well, I wasn't here for that. But look at the bright side."
I frowned. "What bright side?"
"You and Adrienne still love each other, don't you? So there's hope."
My scowl told Brooke all she needed to know about my belief in 'hope'. "Within weeks, Adam Dennis showed up, nearly raped Emma, and then shot me here and here." I touched my side and then my cheek, where the bullet scars would be with me for the rest of my life.
Brooke frowned. "Well, at least there isn't much chance you're gonna get shot again."
I raised an eyebrow, thinking of how karma seemed determined to really get me. "Wanna bet?"
Realizing I couldn't stay in bed all day, I finally sat up and swung my legs off the bed. Brooke merely watched me as I stretched and then picked at my dirty clothes, feeling like they were stiff and coarse from my accumulated sweat and tears. My little sister watched me with a little smile as I stripped myself naked, and then she stared at my ass as I went out the door and into the bathroom.
I didn't care. Let her have the show if she so desired. It didn't matter to me. Nothing really did. Not without my Dawn.
I shit, showered, and shaved, all buck naked. My movements were slow and deliberate, without hurry. What was the point? I had nowhere to be, not this morning. And nothing really mattered anyway. I could even skip my final. Fuck all. Acing the class wouldn't bring my Dawn back to me.
After drying off, I walked back into my bedroom...
... and came to a dead stop just inside the door.
Kneeling on top of my mattress, wearing a half-cup bra that exposed her pretty pink nipples and matching pink panties so sheer that they were see-through, was DJ. She'd pulled her hair into a sky-high ponytail and beamed at me with the biggest smile, leaning forward on her hands while tucking her arms in together to lift up her tits for better viewing. "Hiya, Ben," she greeted perkily.
I sighed and shook my head. "What are you doing, Deej?" I asked wearily.
The gorgeous blonde gave me her best sultry smile. "I'm here to get you ready for your Final. Dayna's idea."
I arched an eyebrow, remembering the days immediately after Adrienne broke up with me. In an effort to keep me occupied post-dumping and get me through finals, Dayna, Brandi, and their friends had coordinated to constantly keep a girl in my bed and heal me through therapeutic fucking. After all: I am a sexual creature. I passed my classes, got great sex, and when the time came for me to finally talk to Adrienne, I was at least able to be rational about it.
But that was two years ago. Today, I just shook my head and sighed, "Not in the mood, Deej."
"You let me take care of that," she said coyly, curling a finger at me.
Before I could really think about it, I walked forward to her. My brain woke up and I stopped my approach a few seconds later, but by then I was within her reach and DJ whipped her hand out to grab onto my wrist. Tugging gently, she brought me closer, sliding her hands up my chest and around my head before tilting her head to mine for a wet kiss.
I resisted. I kept my neck stiff and didn't let her pull my mouth down to hers. She whimpered, tugging on me before sliding her hand down and petting my limp penis.
Suddenly, my left hand tightened around her wrist, pulling it away from my dick. Similarly, my right hand raced up, grabbing DJ by her throat. Her eyes popped open wide and a look of true fear spread across her face. I imagine I must have looked fairly ... psychotic ... with my impassive face and cold eyes.
"Ben?" she whimpered nervously, breathing rapidly in fear. At least I hadn't closed my hand around her neck at all.
Letting go of her wrist, I moved my left hand up and hooked it beneath her right armpit. Turning, I manhandled DJ off my bed so that she was standing on the floor beside me. And then grabbing her by the waist and shoulder, I marched her forward and to the bedroom door, which was still open.
Just then, Bert hopped up onto the landing, his eyes going wide as he first stared at me and then tried valiantly (failing) not to gawk at DJ's near-nudity. "Uh, bad time, I guess?" he muttered helplessly.
I just shoved DJ out the door, causing her to fall against Bert, who held her gingerly. Then without a word, I slammed the door shut.
All four of them took turns trying to get me to open the door. Brooke yelled at me for being a stupid-head shut-in and told me I needed to talk to people. DJ told me she was worried about me, and that she just wanted to help. Bert promised me that I would get through this, that if Dawn wasn't the right one for me that there were plenty of other girls out there. And Kim rather quietly asked if she could please serve her Master.
I didn't open the door.
Eventually, they gave up and left me alone. By then, it was lunchtime, and I silently emerged and went down the stairs. My little sisters and Kim were talking in the living room. As soon as Kim saw me, she raced into the kitchen and came out with a plate of food, promising me that she just had to heat it up.
I ignored them all and went out the door. I picked up cheap Mexican food on Telegraph and meandered around the campus for about an hour. It wasn't until ten minutes before my final that I realized I even HAD a final. And figuring that I had nothing better to do, I wandered over to the lecture hall, bummed a pencil off a classmate, and sat down to do my work for a few hours.
Around 4pm I got fed up with the test and turned it in. I'd answered every question, although I hadn't done much to check my work. And then on a whim, I briskly walked home.
Kim was waiting at the doorway when I arrived. I felt bad for her. She'd become quite devoted to me as her Master, truly in love with me and cherishing the stabilizing influence I had on her life. But she had become more and more capable of being independent while we'd been together, mostly at my direction for her to become so. And I trusted that she would survive even if I wasn't around. At the very least, Viktoriya was still around.
"I tried to call you, sir," Kim whimpered plaintively as she came out the door and down the steps to meet me.
"My phone has been off since last night," I mumbled, walking right past the porch and over to the curb where the Mustang was parked, fishing my car keys out of my pocket.
"Where are you going?" she asked fearfully, following after me.
"I'm going out," I replied coldly without turning around.
"Let me come with you."
We stopped next to the car. Taking a deep breath, I reached up and held Kim's cheek one more time. But then shaking my head, I put my hand to her shoulder and gently pushed her away. "I'm sorry. Really, I am. I wish things could have turned out differently. But I'm afraid I won't be around for you anymore."
Kim's eyes went wide and she stopped breathing.
Only then did I get the implication for how my words might have sounded. Chuckling just a bit, I shook my head and said, "Relax. I'm not going to kill myself."
Relieved, she started breathing again.
But then sighing again, I gave her an apologetic look before saying, "Maybe your next Master will be better than me."
Kim's jaw dropped, and while she stood there in shock, I got into the car and fired up the engine. While she stood on the sidewalk, I pulled away from the curb. And she stayed within view of my rearview mirror all the way until I turned and headed for the highway.
At least now I could understand a little bit of how Dawn felt.
Kim deserved better than me.
-- SATURDAY, MAY 21, 2005, SUMMER BREAK --
I felt something tickle my balls; and with a start, I jerked awake.
"Mmph!" somebody groaned; and as I sat up, I realized I'd just shoved my dick an inch into a girl's throat. She took it like a trouper, gagging only slightly and keeping her head down, breathing heavily through her nose until I pulled back. And then she resumed rhythmically pumping my shaft in her hands and sucking on the mushroom head as if I'd never interrupted her.
For a few seconds, I just lay there, enjoying the wonderful sensations coursing their way up my spine. At a time like this, the simple pleasure of a blowjob felt like heaven. At a time like this, I yearned for the blissful release of ejaculation, as if the explosion from my balls would carry the weight of all my worries away like tiny burdens strapped to the backs of each wriggling tadpole.
But I didn't want that release. Even though it really had only been about five years or so, I felt like I'd spent a lifetime drowning my sorrows in a sea of sexual excess. Every time I had my heart broken, I went nuts fucking girls I barely cared about. They were distractions. They were band-aids. They never did anything to fix the hole in my heart.
And more to the point, the heartache of Dawn's departure was all I really had left of her. Yeah, the heartache sucked, but it reminded me of my lost love. I didn't want to let go of that. I didn't want to lose that. I'd already lost everything else of Dawn. Let me keep this pain, dammit.
I'd tried to talk to Dawn last night. I'd driven down to her parents' house on a whim, and immediately upon seeing me, Deanna Evans let me in the door and informed me that Dawn was holed up in her bedroom.
I didn't get to talk to her. I banged on the door, I tried to start conversations, and I begged her to simply say a word to me, even if those words were "go away". Nothing. Dawn never responded even once. Deanna assured me that her daughter was indeed inside, and several times I heard her footsteps as she moved around the bedroom, reassuring me that she at least had not hung herself in the closet.
For two hours, I tried unsuccessfully to get Dawn to talk to me. My voice was going hoarse by the end of it, and I felt more dejected than ever. It would have hurt less for her to tell me I'd done something wrong, or that she was sorry, or that she never wanted to see me again. But she didn't tell me any of those things. She never said a single fucking word.
I suppose it was karma biting me in the ass again. After all, hadn't my own family and roommates spent the morning trying to get me out of MY room?
In the end, I'd come home and immediately gone to sleep, completely exhausted. Brooke tried to come cuddle with me, but I kicked her out and ordered her to stay away. And then I'd slept fitfully through the night until now.
Wordlessly, I grabbed hold of the head currently fellating me and tugged back on it. She didn't go willingly, not at first. But once it became clear that I didn't want her to continue her actions, she stopped sucking and let me pull her away. She moved to my right, crawling up the bed toward me. I simply let my head loll to the left, not even wanting to look at her.
"Please, sir," Kim whimpered. "Let me comfort you."
I sighed, already having figured from the blowjob that it was Kim. "I don't want your comfort."
"You need to heal from your pain."
"I don't want to heal. I LIKE this pain."
Kim went silent, at a loss for what to do. She'd literally spent her entire lifetime not taking the initiative. She just did whatever her masters told her to do, whether that was her father, Grace, Viktoriya, or me. She wanted to help me, but she didn't know how to go about doing that. Her modus operandi was to submit herself before me and let me do whatever I wanted with her, or even to her. But what could she do when I wouldn't command her?
"Please, sir. I know you are deeply hurt by Dawn's departure. But you are still my Master."
"Not anymore. You need a new master now."
"But I want you. Ben ... I think you already know ... I love you. And I need you."
Her words should have gotten to me. But even the magic n-word didn't have an effect. My heart didn't exist anymore. Dawn had packed it up with her suitcase when she left Thursday night.
Kim waited me out, wanting desperately to hear some warmth in my voice and words that would reassure her that everything would be alright. I was her Master. Her Master was always supposed to know what to do. She had faith in that.
But where had faith gotten us? I'd had faith in Dawn, and she'd let me down. Kim had faith in me, and I was letting her down.
I couldn't reassure Kim. I couldn't tell her I loved her too. I couldn't even tell her that things would be alright. All I could tell her was, "I'm sorry."
For a second, Kim actually got a little angry. "You can't do this to me. Just because Dawn dumped you doesn't mean you should do the same to me!"
I sighed, blinking slowly as I stared at the wall. "You said it yourself: it was in your best interests for Dawn and me to stay together. That's not the case anymore."
"Please..." Kim begged quietly. "Don't leave me."
Her words echoed in my ears. They were the same words, in almost the same heartbroken tone, that I'd said to Dawn less than 48 hours ago. I didn't understand how Dawn could walk away from me back then. But now, facing things from the other side, I thought that maybe now I could.
I had nothing left to give Kim. I was a broken man, a shell of the person I used to be. Somehow, Dawn had become just as broken. I didn't know exactly what caused it. I didn't know if I had accidently broken her myself, or if it was something outside of us. But until she was put back together, she simply couldn't be with me.
And until I was whole again, I couldn't be with Kim. It wasn't fair, but it was as simple as that.
"Go home, Kim," I stated evenly. Taking a deep breath, I turned around, finally facing her. She huddled face-down on the mattress beside me, her arms tucked underneath her with her hands balled up beneath her chin. "I am no longer your Master. Go home to your father. He will take care of you."
There were obvious tear tracks rolling down her eyes, and now I had to turn away. I'd seen too much crying in the last few days, and done too much crying myself.
While my head was still turned, Kim finally slipped out of my bed. I heard her pause after she opened the door, and could imagine her staring back at the broken shell of my body one last time. But after another five seconds, she left and closed the door behind her, the latch clicking shut with finality.
I should have felt bad for Kim, but like I said, my heart wasn't there anymore. All I really felt was numb. Now both my girlfriends were out of my life, and I was truly alone.
Within the confines of my room, I heard Kim puttering around as she packed up her belongings. About an hour later, her father arrived in his car. And for about ten minutes, I heard various people going up and down the stairs to carry her things out.
For some reason, I went to the window when I heard the motorcycle start up outside. Perhaps feeling my gaze, Kim turned to look up at me before she put on her helmet. Even from our distance, I saw the hurt in her eyes as she stared up at me. But her father barked, "Ikuzo" and she nodded obediently.
He backed the car out and headed up the street. Revving her engine, Kim then followed after.
When they were gone, I opened my door and wandered into Kim's bedroom. It was completely empty, leaving only the furniture provided by the owners. The dresser was empty. The mattress was bare. Kim was well and truly gone, and I didn't know if she would ever come back.
"That was a shitty thing you just did," Brooke said from behind me.
I turned to see that my little sister had appeared at the door, DJ coming up behind her.
"And Kim's father was pretty mad when she told him you'd broken up with her," Brooke added, still looking upset. "Whatever else happened with you and Dawn, Kim didn't deserve that."
I just gave my sister a blank stare. "What do you want from me?"
DJ stepped forward and tugged on Brooke's arm. "Hey, leave him alone."
I nodded gratefully to DJ and then walked back to my room. I had to pass between the girls, Brooke glaring at me for a moment before stepping aside to let me by. But then I suddenly felt tired of sitting in my room staring at nothing. And turning back to the girls, I asked, "Do you need any help packing?"
The girls looked at each other, then at me. And with a shrug, they nodded in agreement.
For the next hour or so, I almost felt normal. Yeah, I was still pretty numb, but for that hour nothing was spoken about my broken relationships. Instead, the only conversations revolved around what item went into what box or exactly how to figure out the Tetris-orientation of the girls' belongings within the tight confines of Brooke's beat-up Corolla, which my little sister had driven up the past Spring Break specifically to have available for this trek back home.
Brooke and DJ had applied together and been accepted for an internship at a large company in Orange County. With approval from her parents, DJ planned to spend the majority of the summer at our house, and the girls had been really excited about it for weeks.
Eventually, the car was packed. Seriously, it was PACKED. The trunk barely shut, and the entire backseat of my old Corolla was filled to the gills. But the girls got all their stuff in, and then it was time to go.
Standing beside the car, Brooke took a deep breath and turned to me. "Come home with us," she said out of the blue.
"Huh?"
"I'm serious. Come home with us."
I sighed. "I can't leave. My internship starts Monday."
"Screw your internship. You should be home with your family at a time like this."
I took a deep breath and started rubbing my forehead. Spending the last hour focusing on the mundane tasks of packing up the girls gave my mind a break from thinking of Dawn. I had started to realize what other things were going on in my life, and were still to come. So shrugging helplessly, I said, "Life has to move on. I don't know what's going to happen to me next. But all I can really think of is to keep plugging away. I felt like shit, but I still showed up and took my final. Now, I've got a job to do, a promise to show up at BioGen Monday morning. I can't let a simple breakup stop me from meeting my obligations."
"This isn't a simple breakup," Brooke reasoned. "This is THE breakup."
I just sighed and shook my head negatively.
Brooke pursed her lips for a moment then elbowed DJ. "Then maybe we should stay here, keep you company," my little sister suggested.
"You both have an internship starting on Monday. You've got to get down to OC and get ready."
"We don't have to leave today. We can still drive down tomorrow, right?"
DJ thought about that, and shrugged her agreement.
"Nuh-uh," I disagreed. "The plan was to go home today. And besides, I don't want you here."
Brooke pouted.
"I'm serious," I said, adding in a shooing motion with my hands. "I want to be alone right now."
"At least let Brandi come visit," Brooke pleaded. "You know she called me yesterday."
"And I told you to tell her 'no'. Same as I'm telling you now."
Brooke whimpered. "Ben ... I'm afraid for you."
I took a deep breath, and put on my best reassuring voice. "I'll be fine. I'm upset, but I'm not depressive. I'm not going to kill myself or anything."
"Promise?" Brooke said with obvious worry still etched across her face. "I mean, you getting sad is one thing. You turning down SEX is a whole other thing."
"I'll say," DJ grumbled.
"Oh, I'm sorry you feel rejected," I muttered with a mild smile. "I didn't mean to hurt your feelings." On impulse, I stepped forward and offered DJ a big hug. She readily met my embrace, hugging me tightly and humming lightly.
It was the first close embrace I'd felt since Dawn left me. Oh, Brooke had tried to cuddle me, and Kim had even tried to give me a blowjob, but this was the first time in a long time that I consciously felt a human body pressed up against me from head to toe. Like I'd been a frozen mummy beneath the Himalayan tundra, I immediately felt the warmth of DJ's body begin to thaw me out. Feeling like I'd been chilled for too long, I hungered for that warmth and hugged DJ even tighter, moaning in anguish. And for a long while, I couldn't let go, just crying again and shaking while I desperately clutched at her like she was the only thing keeping me alive.
Perhaps sensing my need, DJ held me firmly and let me just hold onto her until my shuddering sobs had stopped. My nose felt stuffy and my eyes felt puffy, but I got myself under control and slowly backed away. "Sorry about that," I mumbled.
"Don't be," she said with a smile. "You look like you needed that."
Good freaking heavens DJ was beautiful. Her sky blue eyes sparkled in the morning light, and her sunny blonde hair cascaded around her ears and down her shoulders like the softest silk. Her nose was perfect. Her lips were full and red. And she looked so much like Dawn that I felt my heart come alive again, if only for a brief moment.
Without even thinking about it, I flung my arms around her shoulders, tilted my head, and planted a fierce kiss on DJ's mouth.
She hummed into my kiss and parted her lips for me when my tongue pushed forward. I heard her sharp intake of breath as she inhaled and kissed back at me with passionate fervor. And we continued our liplock on and on for what felt like hours before she finally jerked back, turning her head away from me.
"DJ, please..." I whimpered, desperately reaching out for her.
"No, no, no..." she protested, holding a hand palm out to me. "We're not doing this again."
"Please, I need you," I whimpered before pointing back to the house. "If you felt rejected before, we can take care of that. I'll take you upstairs and fuck the ever-living shit out of you."
DJ managed to laugh before shaking her head and taking a deep breath. "No, no, no."
"Please, Deej," I begged. "Will you marry me?"
Brooke gasped and DJ jerked her head up, looking at me out the corners of her eyes with a wary expression. She was silent for a long few seconds, not reacting except to stare at me. And from the look in her eyes, she seemed to be seriously considering my question.
I just stared at her, desperately wishing she would say 'yes'. DJ could take away my pain. She could truly make me happy. Forever. For the eternity that Dawn had promised but not given me.
Quickly, DJ then moved forward and kissed me again. She held my cheek while pouring an avalanche of passion into our liplock. But just as suddenly as it began, DJ pulled away and shook her head. "Don't toy with me," she panted.
"I'm serious," I whimpered helplessly.
She shook her head. "I know you are. But I also know what kind of mental state you're in right now. I won't be your summer rebound. Not again."
The seriousness of DJ's voice, coupled with the reminder of what had happened two years ago after Adrienne dumped me washed over me like a tidal wave. It swept away the clutter in my mind, and with newfound clarity I took a deep breath. Feeling like I was firmly back on two feet again, I looked down and said apologetically, "I'm sorry."
"That was a horrible thing to ask me," DJ mumbled, still not meeting my eyes. "You know how much I love you and that wasn't fair."
"I understand," I said seriously. "I'm sorry. This whole thing has just got my head upside-down."
"I know," she nodded, still looking away.
I don't know why I said what I said next. It just felt right. Taking a deep breath, I canted my head to the side and said, "The next time I ask you to marry me, you'll know that it's for real."
DJ's eyes flashed back up to me, completely unsure how to respond to that. She didn't respond, actually. Instead, she just blushed and turned around, running and jumping into the passenger side of the car.
Smirking, Brooke finally stepped forward and enveloped me in a warm hug. I simply hugged her back, and when she pulled away, I leaned forward to peck her forehead.
"Take care of yourself," Brooke said.
"I promise," I assured her.
Nodding, Brooke turned around and opened the driver's door. She started the engine, and a few seconds later, I was waving down the street as the Corolla turned and went out of sight. And when they were well and truly gone, I turned and went back into the house.
Dawn had left Thursday.
Bert already went back to Fremont last night.
Now Kim, Brooke, and DJ were gone as well.
Fuck, Bert had even taken the Xbox with him.
I stared around my empty house, feeling the crushing sense of loneliness surrounding me. And as that unbearable pressure pushed me down, I sank to my knees on the floor and started crying again.
-- SUNDAY, MAY 22, 2005, SUMMER BREAK --
A stray beam of sunlight woke me up in the morning. I thought I'd shut the curtains tightly, but in my haste I must not have done a very good job. There was about an inch of space between the two curtain halves, and at this very time on this very date, the sunlight came through at just the right angle to hit the very spot where the covers didn't completely cover my head.
Grimacing against the light, I simply picked my head up and flipped around. Absentmindedly, my arm went out to the pillow beside me, searching for Dawn's comforting presence. But it wasn't there, and indeed I realized there was a lot less ... bed ... beside me than I was used to.
I was nestled up in my own sheets, but this wasn't my bedroom, not anymore. Cracking my eyes open, I looked around the familiar confines of DJ's bedroom. She'd stripped the bed and taken her sheets with her when she left. So I'd been forced to put my own sheets and pillows on this bed instead.
You might wonder why I was sleeping in DJ's bedroom. Quite simply: I couldn't spend another night upstairs in my bedroom. More to the point: I couldn't spend another night upstairs in OUR bedroom. There were just too many memories of Dawn there. It wasn't the same without her beside me. For the entire year, we'd always slept together. No matter who else I was with, even after a romantic interlude with Kim, I always came back and slept with Dawn.
The minute I'd lain down, I was all too aware of my loneliness and the crushing defeat of her departure. So even though it was after midnight, and I'd already exhausted myself with too many hours spent alone in contemplation, I'd grabbed my blankets and moved downstairs.
I'd thought of going to Kim's room, which was just across the hall. But that place just reminded me of the other relationship I'd lost.
I couldn't sleep in Brooke's room. The knowledge that it had been Brooke's was actually the most reassuring. She was my sister, would always BE my sister, and nothing could ever change that. But that room had also been Dawn's room our freshman year. And I couldn't lie down without remembering that.
So I'd settled on DJ's bedroom. It had also been my own bedroom freshman year, so there was a comfortable familiarity there as well. And although I still had to chase off some Dawn-demons, I managed to get at least a few hours of rest.
I lay in bed for an hour or so. There was really nothing else to do. It was the Sunday after Finals had ended. Graduation ceremonies were completed yesterday. I'd missed a few graduating Seniors, notably Tri-Delts like Carli, Kelly Park, and Leah Hirsch, and the Chi Omegas Steph and Carol. But I figured they would go about their lives just fine without me.
Eventually, I rolled out of bed and shrugged a simple bathrobe on over my pajamas. I lazily made myself a cup of coffee and poured some cereal. I couldn't cook worth a damn, and after planning to spend the summer eating Dawn's gourmet meals, I shuddered to think what I would eat for the next few months. Maybe I would starve and lose a few pounds. Maybe I would resort to fast food and microwaveable meals and gain a few pounds. Maybe I would even be forced to cook. Who knew what sort of monstrosity I could create if I really put my mind to it? With my current run of luck, I would end up creating a meal that tried to eat ME.
With cup of coffee and bowl of cereal, I settled onto the couch in front of the TV. I supposed I should have been thankful none of my roommates took THAT on their way out the door.
The coffee mug slowly emptied. The Kellogg's Honeycomb slowly disappeared. And three hours later, both mug and bowl were sitting idly on the coffee table while I channel-surfed aimlessly. Karma really hated me. Couldn't Dawn have at least waited to dump me until football season?
It was just after 12 noon when I heard a key jiggle in the front door. I frowned, wondering who the hell would be coming to the house. Quite literally, everyone who had a key was long gone, and for a moment I wondered if someone was trying to break in and would shoot me before looting the place.
Being shot was actually a comforting thought. For one, I'd already been shot, so I wasn't as scared of the concept as I might otherwise be. Two, despite my protests that I wasn't going to kill myself, death didn't seem to be a really bad alternative. At least if some burglars shot me to death, I wouldn't have to worry about this Dawn thing anymore. Heck, she'd probably feel really shitty about dumping me, and that was a comforting thought.
So I just sat there dumbly as the door opened. I looked expectantly at the archway, waiting to see a pair of black-clad, mask-covered burglars come around the corner with guns drawn. But instead, it was Dawn.
"Ah, hell. I was hoping you'd be out to lunch or something," Dawn sighed regretfully. She carried with her a big rolling suitcase. "I know you can't cook, so I sorta figured you'd have to drive somewhere to get food."
"Mustang's out front," I explained.
"Walking, then."
I shrugged and pointed to the cereal bowl. That said, my stomach realized it had not been fed in three hours, and it grumbled on cue, making me put my hand over it. "If you'd like, there's still plenty of material in the kitchen. I'd love for you to stay and whip up something."
She shook her head, staring at me for a few seconds with what looked like pity. I was sure I looked the part: unshaven, hair mussed, and dressed in a ragged bathrobe. Taking a deep breath, she said, "I'm just here to pack up the rest of my things. Couldn't get it all in one suitcase before."
I nodded.
Without another word, Dawn walked over to the stairs, carrying her empty suitcase on her way up. I watched her go, wondering what the hell I should do. The conversation we'd just had was the first since she'd walked out on me, and I was still trying to process the shock of her arrival.
While I was still lost in my own world, Dawn came back downstairs, walking out the door with the now heavy suitcase. My jaw dropped and I started to panic that I'd just missed my one chance to really talk to her. So I got to my feet and started walking after her.
It was only when I saw that she'd left the door open that I began to relax. I got out onto the porch and saw that she was coming back, this time with a sturdy cardboard box with cutouts on either side for handles. "Dawn, we should talk," I offered.
"Don't want to talk," she replied curtly, moving right past me and going up the stairs.
I followed after her, saying, "I'm not going to get in your way. I'll even help you pack."
"I don't want you helping me pack," she replied ahead of me, reaching the top floor and turning into our bedroom. There, she set the box down on the desk chair and started packing away her school things.
"Dawn, please."
She didn't respond.
Taking a deep breath, and seeking a chance to help, I went to the closet and realized she hadn't gotten all of her clothes out. There were still several articles hanging on their hangars, and I grabbed as many as I could hold with one hand and came back out into the room. "I'll just put these in the back seat?" I offered.
Dawn spun, saw what I was holding, and then marched over to immediately snatch them out of my hands. Tossing the lot of them onto the bare mattress, she hissed right in my face, "I don't want your help! I can do this by myself!"
Blinking in surprise, I backed away and held my hands up. But my nose crinkled as the scent of her wafted up into my nostrils. And in a truly horrifying moment, I realized that once again she smelled like sex. Hell, I even smelled a man's cologne, cologne that certainly wasn't mine.
"Holy shit," I muttered, my eyes wide.
A haunted look crossed Dawn's face, and she looked ready to start crying. Actually, she looked like she'd just finished crying, as her eyes were red and her eyelids puffy. Turning away from me quickly, she just reached her arm out and brushed the remnants of her desk into the box.
"Who was it?" I asked.
Dawn didn't look at me. "Does it matter?"
"I want to know."
"No, you don't."
"Dawn ... please tell me."
"Trust me. You don't want to know."
"Was it Jaron?"
"No! Of course not."
"I just thought that since you were so attracted to him that-"
"This ISN'T about attraction, okay! This has nothing to do with you and it has everything to do with me! Now stop trying to help, and I'm not talking to you, remember?"
"Dawn..." I whimpered. "Please..."
She ignored me and finished packing up the box. Slamming the lid down on it, she turned her back to me to pick it up. But instead of standing up straight, she remained hunched over the box, and I saw her shoulders begin to shudder.
"Hey..." I said softly, stepping forward and rubbing her shoulder.
Instantly, she spun and slapped my hand away like I was poisonous. Quickly, I held my hands up and backed away to show her I meant her no harm.
She was crying, staring at me with a look of unbearable pain. I didn't know what was going through her head, but whatever she was enduring was a torture. Sniffling, she took a few short breaths. And with a frown of abject shame, she admitted, "I got an 'A' in Finance."
I popped my eyebrows. That was the course she was stressing about. Her precious 4.0 GPA was in jeopardy, and she'd been paranoid she'd get a 'B'.
"Oh! That's great!" I exclaimed in relief. For the first time in days, a real smile crossed my face. "I knew you could ace that test!"
She shook her head sadly. It was only now that I started to wonder how she could know her grade, given that they hadn't been published yet.
Looking mournfully at me, Dawn took a deep breath and hung her head in disgrace. "Even if I got a 100% on the final, I'd still have only gotten a C-minus," she explained.
"Then how'd you get an 'A'?" I asked stupidly.
Staring away from me, Dawn didn't answer. She just took a few deep breaths, trying to collect herself. And then she went over to the bed, grabbing up the hangared clothes I'd brought out of the closet.
The realization hit me like a kick to the gut. THAT was why Dawn smelled like sex: she'd traded herself for a grade. If I thought it was a horrifying moment to smell the scent of sex on her, this was even worse. The vision of Dawn – MY Dawn – bent over a desk in Professor Rutledge's office while the sick pervert pumped her from behind, made me physically nauseous.
No, I'm not kidding. I was actually nauseous, and I staggered two steps to the side and vomited the entire contents of this morning's breakfast all over the floor.
Dawn immediately started sobbing. With tears streaming down her face, she threw down her remaining stuff and ran out of the room, leaving her box and hangared clothes behind. Thirty seconds later, I heard her car start up outside and peel away.
My Dawn was gone. And as I stared at the puddle of half-digested food in what used to be OUR bedroom, I sank to my knees once again. Just another mess I had to endure.
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