บท 57: It’s Okay to be Not Okay
* * *
Waking up from his rest, Jonathan groaned in displeasure as he remembered what had happened before he was forcefully injected with sedatives.
"Remi~" Jonathan softly called as he covered his eyes which had quickly become hot and soon, tears started streaming down. He tried to close his eyes in hopes to stop it while sobbing silently. But sadly, it did not help in stopping the hot and salty liquid from flowing nonstop.
"I'm sorry, Remi~," Jonathan said again, bawling silently. When he woke up earlier, he genuinely believed Margarette had been lying but now, he believed it. Remi had died, just like that. They weren't able to fix their problem and she left with a broken heart. It had been his wishful thinking that he and Remi were going to fix their relationship. But that day, the day of the accident, when Remi had called him and asked for them to talk. He knew then that the Beta had wanted to end their relationship. However, that never came to pass, …because of the accident. He could have avoided it, but he was preoccupied thinking of their inevitable breakup. If only at that time he had chosen to focus his mind on his driving, …then none of this would have happened.
Now, all he has is pain, …and regrets. Even though it was only for a short time, he had truly loved Remi. He had cherished her and genuinely thought of a future with her, but he'd ruined all of that. Now, it felt like he didn't even deserve to cry for her death. He'd betrayed and hurt her, …and there was nothing he could do to redeem himself.
"Remi's gone,... we both need to accept that..." a sudden voice said from within the room, surprising Jonathan. His close eyes opened suddenly and scanned the room where he found Fyre next to his bed, faintly smiling at him. He hadn't noticed anyone in the room when he woke up. But now that he sees the Omega, all he could feel was guilt and regret. Yes, he liked Fyre, …even more than as a friend but, he didn't deserve him. It was not like he was ever going to pursue his feelings, but at that time, when he'd kissed him, …he didn't know what had possessed him to do that. He knew it was wrong but he'd still done it, …and regretted it.
"Fyre..." Jonathan called, his tears continuing to flow in sorrow. "I'm sorry... I couldn't protect your sister... I couldn't protect Remi. This was all my fault... If only... If only I'd paid more attention..." Jonathan said between his painful sobs but was not able to finish his words, making Fyre sigh. Truthfully, not once had he blamed Jonathan. Even though he had been upset with the Alpha for the longest time, he hadn't blamed him one bit because he knew that none of them had wanted this to happen. He also knew that the Alpha might blame himself, just like how he'd blamed himself for not being there for Remi sooner.
"Jonathan, I hated you in the beginning, …but now you have become my friend. I want to tell you that I never once blamed you for any of this... I know I'm not in the position to tell you to not blame yourself because I also blame myself but Jonathan, ...what happened was an accident. None of us wanted any of this to happen. It's painful to know that Remi is no longer with us, but I'm glad that at least you survived." Fyre said with watery eyes as he tried to act braver. He didn't want to cry when he was trying to comfort someone. Besides, his words were not only directed to Jonathan, but also to himself. He was genuinely happy to know that his friend had finally woken up. At first, in his despair, he'd questioned why only Remi had to die, but now he had realized that he should be thankful that the Alpha hadn't died as well.
"T-Thank you, Fyre... But I still can't help but think that I should have been the one who died. I've caused Remi too much pain, she didn't deserve this." Jonathan sobbed. In his mind, he'd hurt Remi so he should have been the one who'd died. He didn't deserve to live!
"Don't fucking say that! Yes, it's true that Remi didn't deserve any of this but Remi wouldn't have wanted for you to die either! I know all of this is fucked up, but we have to move on! ...Jonathan, I'm also not okay. I cried every fucking day and night, not being able to accept her death. I couldn't eat. I couldn't sleep. I blamed myself for not being able to protect her properly. Not being able to be with her sooner, but I came here to see you because I knew you'd feel much worse than I do. You are the only other person who made Remi feel special. You cherished and loved her. You made her happy... so I won't allow you to ruin yourself because of this. We're not okay now, but that's okay. I know someday we will be able to accept all of this..." Fyre yelled emotionally, while also crying. His message dug deep in his own heart as he said all those words to the Alpha. Jonathan was Remi's special someone. He couldn't sit by and allow for any of this to ruin him, because he knew that Remi wouldn't want that.
"But I've hurt Remi..." Jonathan mumbled as he bawled. He didn't care if it wasn't very manly, his heart felt so heavy and painful. Fyre's words were meant to make him feel better but for some reason, it felt heavier and heavier. He knew that the only reason why Fyre was treating him so kindly was because the Omega didn't know, …and he didn't have the courage to confess either. He knew he wouldn't be able to take it if Fyre started to hate him. He'd lost Remi. And although he didn't deserve Fyre, he still wanted to be friends with him.
"And Remi would have still forgiven you no matter what your mistake was... That's how much she loved you, Jonathan..." Fyre said and this time wiped his tears. He had repeatedly asked Remi of the what-ifs and every time, the Beta would reply that even if one day the Alpha would choose to leave her and find someone new, she would silently let go and wish the Alpha a happy ending. That was just how much of a good person Remi was. Even if it meant that she would be hurt in the process, she just wanted those people she loved and cherished to be happy.
Although it was short and challenging, Jonathan did not break Remi's heart so at least for that, he wanted to thank him for always being there for his sister, despite his disapproval in the beginning.
"..." Unable to reply, Jonathan just continued to cry because he knew how true Fyre's words were. Remi honestly had the purest soul. Even though she was clearly being taken advantage of, she would still choose to help. Even though she knew that she'd end up hurting, she'd still choose to let go and wished for the person she loved to be happy. She was satisfied by only looking from the side, but then suddenly he had come and given her so much pain. If only he could turn back time, he would have chosen to stay away. That way, none of this would have happened and he wouldn't have had to meet Fyre as well.
"I-I want to see her one last time," Jonathan whispered mournfully. He wanted to tell Remi one last time that he was sorry, and to assure her that he will keep his promise. He will bury his feelings for Fyre just like he promised her.
"Three days. You have until three days to do that..." Fyre replied softly while wiping his tears. He wanted so badly to see her as well, …but he knew that when he did, he'd have to face their parents, and he didn't want to do that now. He'd left home without saying anything. He had hurt them and had only caused them to worry since then. He didn't deserve to see them now that this had happened. He was a failure as their son and as a little brother to Remi. He no longer had the confidence to see them, especially in his current condition.
"I'll go see her no matter what. Thank you, Fyre, for coming to see me today. I don't know what I would have done if you didn't come..." Jonathan said, finally allowing his eyes to meet Fyre's, and this time, his eyes were no longer filled with pain and sorrow. Yes, it was still there but right now, Fyre felt like Jonathan was going to be okay. Both of them were going to be fine.
* * *
Two days after painstakingly convincing Marjorie and the doctor to let him out of the hospital for a couple of hours, Jonathan was finally allowed to leave the hospital, temporarily. At the same time, Fyre had also finally decided to check out himself. But, …because Tian Zi and the whole Mo Family was worried about his mental health, he was forcefully given a choice to either accept 10 people to live with him and help him with his daily needs, or stay at the Mo Estate, …just until the doctor said that he was stable and wouldn't dare commit physical harm.
Due to the fact that he couldn't cater to 10 people in his home, he had then been offered to stay at one of their properties instead. In the end, Fyre had to politely decline the property, choosing instead to just live with the Mos for the time being. He was filled with questions as to why the Mo family was treating him this way, but he had to admit that it was making him feel cherished, loved, and cared for. It was like he'd found the adoptive family he'd never had, and it was making his heart flutter with gratefulness.
Tian Zi drove the car along with Fyre and Jonathan. Another vehicle following them carried the nurses. The drive to Fyre's hometown had been silent. When they arrived, the injured Jonathan was helped by his nurses, who then wheeled him towards the funeral home building. Meanwhile, both Fyre and Tian Zi watched him from the car window.
"Are you sure you're not going to see her one last time?" Tian Zi asked worriedly. They were only there to send Jonathan and later pick him up again when the time was up for his temporary leave, but he was worried that Fyre would want to see his older sister one last time.
"Nah. I'm sure Remi would understand." Fyre replied with a faint smile. He was slowly trying to move on. So, if he saw Remi again, he felt like he would break again.
"Hmn, okay then let me treat you to a snack while we wait for him," Tian Zi said. He reached out for Fyre's hand and caressed it softly. But, it was only a brief moment before the Omega pulled his hand away and smiled as if nothing had happened. Tian Zi was caught off guard because of it, but he didn't question.
"Sure. I know a good place here. I often went there when I was a kid." Fyre replied awkwardly, avoiding the Alpha's burning stare. His heart began to thump hard, but he ignored it and decided to look at the building outside. His plan to avoid Tian Zi had failed, but that did not mean that he had dropped his guard around him. He knew that the Alpha was just treating him nicely and that there was no other meaning behind his actions. So from now on, he would never let himself get hurt again. Even if years from now he would find himself helplessly unable to bury this unnecessary feeling, he would rather die first than acknowledge it.
And just like that, a year had passed. A lot of things had happened. Jonathan went back to Europe, but instead of him inheriting the family title, Marjorie did, and married Margarette. Jonathan still had to be responsible for some family matters, but he was freer than before. On the other hand, Fyre had helped Tian Zi establish his company, ZNetwork. And exactly on Remi's 1st year anniversary, the new tech brand opened, causing a huge public uproar.
As always, Tian Zi and Fyre had kept their friendship the way it was. Even though sometimes they would find each other constantly being swayed by their Alpha and Omega instincts, they remained friends, and Jonathan as well. Everything was going just fine...
Well, everything was going fine until 3 years later, and a drunken Jonathan came knocking on his door, mumbling some nonsense. Four years had passed since Remi's death and he was just learning this now! He didn't know what to think and he didn't even want to think. He just wanted to forget it and move on with his life, like always. Whatever happened in the past, that was in the past. He was sick of feeling pain about something he could no longer go back to; things he could no longer change. He'd learned to accept that in a difficult way, and he didn't want to relearn it again and go through the same pain he had then.
He'd already reached the point where he just wanted to pretend that he didn't hear any of it and treat it as a sick joke. Jonathan was his friend and he didn't want to change that. Not now, not ever.
* * *
To be Continued...
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lesson101
lesson101 I've started uploading on my Youtube Channel again but instead of following on the last chapter I uploaded (Chapter 14 of Love Chase) I skipped Chapters 15-44 and jumped straight to Chapter 45. Right now I have chapter 46 already posted there as well and I might upload it again later. Of course, I'm not too sure whether I would be able to continue uploading but I'm sure if you support me there as well, I will be able to get inspired enough to post more kinds of videos that I hope you'd like.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ziCtvgWzDPg&t=205s
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