บท 65: Fancy Ham, Fancy Ham, Fancy Fancy Fancy Ham
Once Miss Masher has gained the phone all to herself, she sinks back into the plush velveteen material of the couch and leisurely amuses herself with watching the feats of strength a few more times, cackling occasionally.
Lucas's desire to pamper his four-legged friend surpasses his pride, so he goes back over to his original couch and sits down next to Willy, opposite Miss Calculated.
As Willy's loyalties are being tested by the continuous stream of salami, pepperoni, chorizo, prosciutto, soppressata, gouda, multiple kinds of cheddar, triple cream brie, blue cheese, and the various assorted cracker to carry it all, it is pulled back on track once Lucas has joined in the procession.
For about every three or four snacks that are delivered to Willy's patiently waiting mouth, Lucas and Miss Calculated actually prepare a bite for themselves.
[...Heh.]
'Hmm?'
[011 was just telling me about the overly convoluted route Miss Chievous has taken Jonathan through. He had been carefully memorizing the path, still not accustomed to receiving any assistance from a system. Once 011 informed him that he can give directions for a far more direct path back when he was alone in the men's room, he was apparently so relieved he swore out loud.]
'Hah! I'm almost surprised that's all she did.'
[I imagine she expected to have more fun at his expense for the journey back. I wouldn't be surprised if she planned on making him wait a long time before she actually left the women's restrooms. Who am I kidding? She'll probably leave right away and watch him while invisible, quietly laughing to herself the whole time.]
'...Yeah probably. Man, this prosciutto is some high-end stuff, so good...'
Lucas proceeds to serenade 427 with a mental song, the lyrics of which are comprised entirely of repeating the words "fancy ham" over and over again with modulating intonation.
427 does not appreciate Lucas's musical talents in the least bit.
Over in MF's Fashion Boutique, Mikah randomly feels relieved but is not entirely sure why he was suddenly so thankful.
Having enjoyed viewing the repeated showings of Lucas's prior environmental destruction, Miss Masher has finally decided to actually watch Wraith Hunter's interview that follows it.
In the time span of a few more high-end dog treat feedings later, Jonathan has returned before Miss Chievous even realized he left the bathroom. He had used his powers to zip right back to the room as soon as he was done washing his hands to his satisfaction, seeking to perform a reverse-trolling maneuver.
In some sort of bizarre repeat of the previous night, he enters the room at almost the exact same moment in time of Wraith Hunter's interview, declaring their chosen villain names for the room to hear.
"Xenoclast eh? Not bad, not bad. Why Jackknife though? Yer speed, ain't ya?" As Miss Masher gives her approval, she looks up at the recently arrived Jonathan, a clear look of confusion on her face.
Wanting his own chance to show off, as well as still feeling a bit mischievous after being trolled, Jonathan decides to give a live demonstration.
Before the door has even had a chance to finish swinging shut, he has already suddenly appeared directly in front of Miss Masher, holding his unfolded pocketknife less than an inch away from the tip of her nose. The shift in air pressure tousles some of the longer strands of her dark brown pixie-cut hair, a few pieces of which pokes near the corner of her eyes after being disturbed.
As her eyes focus on the shiny blade that is pointed directly at her face, she can't resist breaking out in a huge grin.
"Great! I always only see you speed types running around, that's a way cooler use of your powers!" While Miss Masher is delighted with the combat potential of his little performance, Miss Calculated can't help freezing for a moment, uncomfortable with the thought that he's only the sidekick.
Miss Calculated can't help sneaking a glance at Lucas out of the corner of her eyes, now just as curious as Miss Masher to find out just how strong he is. Though, unlike her reckless younger sister, she's far more intimidated by the prospect.
[...I'm sure you didn't notice, but Miss Calculated seems to have just decided you're a threat.]
'Eh? What did I do? I didn't eat that much?'
[…]
'No, seriously, why?'
[It doesn't take much effort on an intelligence-type supe's part to consider the boss of someone that lethal being even more powerful than their sidekick.]
'Huh? Oh, yeah, that makes sense. Wait, is that a problem that she thinks that about me now though?'
[...I don't think so, at least for the time being. You've both been rather well-behaved, but not suspiciously so. It's been rather clear that you're not here to cause unnecessary trouble, and you have handled Miss Masher's provocations with, dare I say, grace. Perhaps Jonathan showing off like that is a good thing, it makes it seem that the two of you being as docile as you have been is due to sheer extreme confidence, further reinforced by the blatant displays of wealth.]
'Ayyy, good goin' then, kiddo.'
427 gives a soft sigh but doesn't bother to continue the conversation any further.
Pleased with his display, as well as the reaction it earned, Jonathan leisurely folds up the switchblade and tucks it back into one of his pockets. No longer having a mental hangup over the status of his hands, he goes over to shamelessly kneel down near the artfully arranged snack tray and begin asserting himself as a bottomless pit, designed for the express purpose of destroying tasty Italian-style meats and fine cheeses. At least he has the decency to not use his powers in order to shovel it all down even faster.
Once Wraith Hunter's verbose interview is over, Miss Masher finally turns off Lucas's phone and casually tosses it at him, though Jonathan intercepts and catches it on his behalf. Around this time, Willy manages to have had his fill of snacks, for now, turning down an offering and lying down right where he is on the couch. Settling down, he rests his head against Lucas's right leg, to Lucas's great delight.
Jonathan holds the phone out for him, still eating with his other hand. Once Lucas reclaims and pockets it, he similarly continues eating with one hand and rubs the top of Jonathan's head with his other, making sure to mess up his hair in his unique style of expressing appreciation.
Once Willy is done eating, Miss Calculated seems to decide that is enough for herself as well, just as Miss Masher comes over in pursuit of noms. She wipes off her hands with a napkin and gathers up the mostly dissected phone's parts and slides them over near one of the not-in-use couches, with Miss Masher taking over her previous location as soon as she moves to her new workspace.
Their constant game of musical chairs would probably seem rather comical if it wasn't for how smoothly it keeps happening.
As Miss Calculated finishes her inspection, occasionally muttering to herself about the various downgrades that were made for the sake of ease of mass-production and/or to save on manufacturing costs, Miss Chievous has finally returned.
When she enters the room she looks a bit sheepish, but once she looks over and sees Jonathan aggressively shoving salty savory goodness into his face, she realizes that she's the one that had been on the receiving end of the prank. Her apologetic look immediately transitions into surprise, and after a few moments, she gains a huge grin, knowing she has found a rival for trickery. There is absolutely no good end for Jonathan with this decision on her part.
As if having the tables turned on her deception wasn't enough, the coveted charcuterie board is now nearly 90% consumed, no thanks to any contributions on her part.
Truly, the cruelest joke of all.
-----
Lucas kills this chapter: 0
Lucas total kills: 7
Lucas deaths this chapter: 0
Lucas total deaths: 10
Lucas current GDV: 8.91 (+.01 net change)
Lucas's fame level: 2.5* (Mostly just local)
Lucas's hero suspicion level: 1* (Only highly paranoid people)
Jonathan kills this chapter: 0
Jonathan total kills: 5
Jonathan deaths this chapter: 0
Jonathan total deaths: 2
Jonathan current GDV: 1.95 (+.01 net change)
Jonathan's fame level: 1.75* (Just local)
Jonathan's hero suspicion level: 1* (Only highly paranoid people)
-----
Little character theater:
Jonathan, destroyer of tasty treats: Man, we should keep stuff like this at home!
Willy, about ready to go into a food coma: Bark...
Lucas, nodding vigorously: Damn right, so good, erhmahgerd...
427, a bit amused, but also a bit concerned about the increasingly casual supervillain interactions they've been having: [...I've already added everything that was on the tray to your grocery list for you. It's great that you aren't making enemies but... Becoming friends with everyone will pose its own problems in the long term...]
Author, covering their sinister smile with one hand: Jonathan, becoming friendly rivals with Miss Chievous is probably, no, definitely, worse than having her as an enemy, I'm so sorry.
Mr. Quacks, wanting to make his own recommendations for the pending grocery list: Quack..!
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