บท 3: About me
-Lucy harry up ! you have no time for the staring thing ,come on !!!
The voice of my father looking at me and saying that brings me back to the present .It felt like having an electric shock .It felt like falling down without crashing a surface .I was awake and comatose at the same time .My head is hurting and pressing on me so hard that i can barely breathe .This back up to the reality makes my hands shake so obviously .I don't want leave the past it's the only place where i can feel relieved , where i can feel things , it's my real home .At least i lived there , and i had a history i can remember but now , i feel so empty , so scared , so lonely , and so nostalgic .Maybe i am kinda of dramatic person but none understand being me or living in my head , sharing my thoughts , controlling my anger at the world .It's completely sophisticated .
Sometimes i ask myself why we are here , why we are created ,what's of the point of a married couple to have a baby if it wasn't a matter of culture , traditions and the rules of being alive .What's the purpose of God , making us if he has all the power ,the strength , the capability of doing anything he wants . God doesn't need us to be believers , or to thank him , or to love him ,or to give him comfort .Because he's God , the lord who own all , everything , so why us ,why this time and why me ? .Also we can't be the aftermath of Adam and Eve's fault . 'cause God don't need them to make a universe ,or to explain our creation , or give an excuse for all what happened . He just can kill them . And then why are we doing so much efforts to live the life we have ,to continue the prophecy of God , if we are going to die in the end .All we are going to do in the future , our achievements(if we are lucky enough in an unfair world where educational accomplishments are a kind of war or fight for being the best ) , our friendship , our love , our dreams , our affection are going to fade , to vanish , to disappear in one second like nothing was or took a place in the theory of time . Why we don't just be in heaven or hell without running through the process of live .Why do we have to pass the exam , to work ,to be tired ,to do sacrifices , to live the pain to get sick , to be hopeless if the final result are already known .It's written from billions years ago our destiny ,our pathway ,our choices , our faults , our defeat , everything about us .I didn't chose to be alive neither my name or the color of my eyes , or the shape of my body , or my parents , even my country .So we are born as strangers in front of ourselves .And we have to be good , to do good ,to love ourselves , and to obey God and be religious . Maybe i am saying this because I don't know so much about my religion , or i just don't understand God's thoughts or plans , i really want to understand them ,to see the world clearer , to find answers to my questions before they change .
I went to the kitchen , i saw my sister there . She was having breakfast , she look at me and she didn't say anything .My mom made some puffy pancakes , juice , and toast with scrambled eggs .The table was literally too amazing for a breakfast .But i feel full , i am not hungry or i am just so stressed to put something in my mouth chew it ,and swallow it . I am already tasting blood in my mouth . So i look all around the room , and turned away .
- You finished so fast , good .Go dress up .
- No ,not hungry .
- What ?, but i made this for you , and now you're telling me that you're not going to eat . Oh , pffff , look i don't have so much time for this lucy .I am just going t....
Not only she left me standing in the middle of the hall , also she betrayed her sentence . And let it down , clinging between my lost thoughts . I hold all the power i have and went to my room to get dressed . Yes to get dressed , and convincing myself to put on some clean clothes . 'cause all i wanted at that time is to go anywhere with my pyjamas , and not to move my arms , since they hurting so bad . Finally , after a long fight between 'what i want to do' and 'what i have to do' , i put on an oversized hoodie and baggy black jeans . oh yes !!!! thanks for the question . But actually i am ashamed of my body , i don't like it . I can't stand none looking at me , or at my body , i mean the things . You guys understand me , right ? . Also , i can't stand being naked in bath tub more than 5 minutes . I know that's weird , but i can't change who i am now . My priorities right now is to deal with the living thing .
I walk out of the house , and there wasn't a beautiful , sweet , vanilla smell coming from me , like it used to be . Because eventhough i have a bottle of perfume in my room , i don't use it , otherwise i will burn myself with self-flagellation . I don't deserve to look nice ...
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