"I can't stay and I don't want to give a reason".
The sudden angry words my brother uttered panged through my heart, unsettling me before resting somewhere in the pit of my stomach.
I..... I stammered trying to find the words to say to him but coming up short. Nevermind the look on his face seemed like it was his final decision, I still wanted to console him and tell him I understood because despite how he may had taken it as he stood in the entryway waiting for my response. I wanted to help.
" I thought as much" He scoffed unbelievably at me before running up the stairs to his room and because I couldn't experience defeat I was helpless and useless to him.
Exhaling loudly, my stare lingered around the passage where he'd disappeared to before wariness started settling in and then anger.
Running a hand through my hair, I placed it on my hip trying to rein in the sudden urge to storm into his room and demand he stopped putting me at a difficult point where I had to compromise with him.
The urge lingered untill I was one foot up the stairs and a loud crash following a yell came from his room. Another foot and a louder crash. He was pissed and walking up the stairs to confront him would only put me at the farfront of his brute
Turning around sobered, I walked back into the dining room and stared at the finished puzzle laying on the glass Table. it was a beautiful picture of an oat tree with swarms of insects coming towards it Aibiet the only beautiful thing this space has seen and with over a thousand pieces, I'd completed it without losing sleep, it seemed such a shame to give it away but I knew I couldn't keep it where it wouldn't be appreciated.
Glancing at the puzzle one last time, I strode into the kitchen, my eyes brushing past the three covered plates of food with a name tape plastered on it. Ignoring it, I filled a cup of water from the tap, drained it and laid my head on the cool countertop.
The food had been in here since yesterday was a low grade from my mother when she felt bad about something, no one appreciated it or wanted it, not even my brother who was rarely around.
Thinking again keelan again, I looked past the dining table and contemplated going up to check if he was still in or maybe he had slipped past when I was still putting together the puzzle. As much as he wanted to be fine, he wasn't, he was suffering inside.
I raised my head from the countertop, preparing to clear out the dining table when two sets of feet rushed down the stairs and came rushing into the kitchen. it was my younger sister Sarah looking freightened.
"Please let her win this round" She begged, grabbing my hand tightly within her two palms. "Just for today".
I flushed immediately flooded with guilt. This was it, I knew I shouldn't have asked her not to go in when I knew it'd always boil down to this. There was so much I could say to it before she started begging erratically.
It was rarely an occasion she pleaded because she often found solace in solitude and ignoring everything.
Nodding, I smiled tightly at her willing myself not to feel reproach or anger. it wasn't a matter of life or death but despite everything, my entire life was surrounded around the moments after this.
Where I'd feel small, threatened, discocumbulated.
The front door beeped open and Sarah cast her eyes up in shock, it was plastered all over her demeanor, she was scared. Before our mother Mrs Abigail Milt Airs could make her way to the through the front passage, sarah pleaded one last time before running back upstairs.
"A useless animal, that's what she is" The same usual screech pierced the air, heels clanging against the hardwood floor as she made her way towards the stairs.
If I were normal, I wouldn't feel the need to stand outside the kitchen entryway watching until my mother's gaze fell on me, holding me in place.
"What are you doing there?" She asked ending her phone call and glaring at me. "Isn't your father home yet"
"No". I mumbled looking at her, then past her ahead to a picture captivating my mind. it was a piece of puzzle shaped like a paper, Like a two paged paper. it was my work, my first framed work and it was only kept in the house because my parents thought it belonged to Sarah. The person who had initially pushed me into doing something with her but then bailied the second I'd seemed into it.
My sister was a real piece of work.
"Ok". Abigail pursed moving closer " And why didn't you stop by the Mart today before you came home".
Home. Home. my attention suddenly riveted around that one word until I felt nails pressing into my cheeks. Home was this, it was her, nothing other than her.
"You fool" She yelled getting in my face and her nails dug deeper. "How many times do I have to yell in your face for it to stay in. And where the hell is Sarah".
Pulling back seemed like my only viable option since it seemed like she was pissed but then Sarah pleadings entered my thoughts please let her win. and I knew I had to help her out this time.
It would've probably felt good to yell back at her and threaten her to do the worst to me because there was more to be done to make me feel no empathy towards others. I needed to drown myself and not feel guilt pouring over me. I needed an out.
At school, some would say I was pathetic. I could be happy but most had referred to that as a broken happiness, my life was quaked because I swallowed a pill of adjustment every single second.
"We'll be there tomorrow" I spoke up, wincing at the pain her fingers were creating. it would take a while but we were getting there.
"Good for the both of you" She yelled before backing away and walking up the stairs. "And make to find your brother before the end of the week" she threw off before disappearing down the hall.
I backed into the wall, holding back for a minute before standing straight, anger pouring out of me in waves. Wilston Airs would've fought back but the choking feeling clawing up her throat made her retract and deflect to the perfectly laid out puzzle she'd done.
Walking up to it, one sweep of her hand and it was gone, dropping to the floor and scattering around the room and Into places she would never find.
*********
Walking into the department store with an apron in hand, Wilston wrapped it around her uniform shirt and tied it to her back. it was the same she used Everytime which she always collected from Mr Cuoats the security man outside the gate before she walked in.
A high rise building with the ground floor belonging to Airs departmental store. It was her mother's favourite place so it needed to be exquisite before she returned.
"Haven't you already paid for the uniform" George muttered wistly, walking in with a clipboard. "I'd say you already trippled it's rate"
I nodded clearing a new batch of sale offs into an open box. Being my mother's assistant, he was one of the few people who could say they understood me.
"I would believe it, if you ever wore anything other than your school uniform"
"it really is the cloth on my back" I snorted taping the box round before labelling it to a thrift shop nearby.
That was where all the sale offs went to and it was wisely owned by my mother, the queen bee in department stores.
George chuckled before scribbling into the clipboard and stepping around me. After labelling the last box, I took off the apron and hung it by the side of the door. The security guard would find it and it would be handed off to me the next time I walked through those gates because that was a regular pattern in my life. one which had been decided for me before I was brought into this world.
Sarah never showed up and for that I was glad.
Walking around the park where I'd tracked my brothers cell phone to, I decided to sit from a distance to wait out the petulant child who was sitting on a swing.
It was almost dark but a few joggers and passerbys still lingered around the park watching the sunset. it was nice but I could some feel stares directed my way.
They were probably wondering why a student was sitting here or maybe if I was trying to commit atrocities, kill myself or do something equally horrible.
A quiet breeze blew, rustling a few leaves and I let out a breath. It was nice out here and I had nothing else to do but disturbing keelan who looked like he was brooding was becoming an option because the people staring already had their phones out and it looked like they were calling the cops.
It wasn't uncalled for. I was a student sitting in a uniform that screamed Channing Farring, way out of town and in a park, it was dark and I looked settling.
"What are you doing here" Keelan roared fantastically from my side. I had been deeply within my thoughts that I hadn't seen him walk over.
" Your mother wanted you home before the end of the week"
He visibly flinched before regaining his composure and glaring at me like I was a thing. I hadn't wanted to be the one to do this; drag him home but I had been left no choice.
"She promised to let me go" He said icily studying me for a second. "Did you put her up to this"
"Don't" I warned, standing up to meet him glare for glare. " Let's just go".
"I'm not going anywhere" he shouted drawing the stares back to us but this time I was sure they were wondering if they should intercept the angry guy harassing a student in the dark.
"People are staring" I hissed grabbing him by the upper arm and pulling him away towards the road. He was stronger but he didn't push me away instead he fell in step beside me and my hand fell away.
"Why are you this way" He asked " I'm older and a brat but you, your indignant and a pushover "
I shrugged walking ahead of him. Immediately, he tugged me by my bag and I stumbled backwards to his side.
"Can you not do this to me" I yelled feeling visibly shaken. I was not a pushover or indignant but his words had hurt. my life was a constant battle for control but it seemed I had it worse than others.
He raised both his hands in surrender equally mocking me with a smirk.
We got to the road and Keelan flagged down a cabbie who winded his window down to look at us. He looked disturbed as his stare went from Keelan in his crazy jeans and tight shirt to me in a pristine blue shirt, tie and gray skirt. I had exchanged my sneakers in my locker for a flip flop but the driver couldn't see my feet.
"He's my older brother" I assured the driver calmly from his window before getting into the back seat with Keelan. "Despite his appearance".
"Ok ma'am" He nodded still eyeing keelan "Where to "
"To Freyheight estate please" Keelan grumbled out to the driver before settling in against the seat.
"Thank you for not putting up a fight"
" This means nothing". He cut a glare my way before closing his eyes.
The driver dropped us off at the estate and Keelan pulled out his wallet to pay the fare, before strutting directly opposite the direction of our house.
Running so I could catch up to him, I placed my hand on his shoulder to halt him and he shrugged it off " Go home Andi, its almost midnight".
I glanced at my wrist watch and truly it was almost midnight. The drive from the park had taken a while but I hadn't noticed when I ordered an Uber from my school gate.
"Not without you" I mummured and as if on cue, my phone ringed from inside my bag. It had to be Sarah calling.
"Can you not be a pain and just go" he roared walking back to me. His words pierced the silent night, echoing around nothing.
I froze staring at Keelan from beside the street light which cast a shadow on him.
" For once" he went on getting in my face " I want someone to plead and not order me to go back like I'm a piece of nothing".
"It would...
"It's not you Andi" He cut me off "God no... You can't and you won't because it's not you".
I could hear the pain behind his words and if it were day, I would see tears in his eyes because this was eating him alive. Being you without default would've been perfect for him but living in our home, that wasn't the life you got.
It was a constant battle for everything nevermind the fact that our father never inputed his thoughts of the way our mother choose to run this family. His silence was deafening and constant.
"So for this one, I'm begging you please Wilton let me be"
I'd should've let go. The fact that he'd called me by my first name should've been warning enough for me that he was about to explode and I wasn't going to see the good part.
"I can't" I pressed on exhaling loudly when my phone rang again.
"You can't?. For once Andi, can you let mother be the one to come clean up her fucking mess. why should you always be the freaking doormat to every situation, for once man up and spit in her face"
This confrontation was happening beside a lamppost by twelve midnight and a light coming from somewhere was getting closer to us and Keelan kept yelling but I couldn't hear past the blood rushing away from my heart.
"What's going on here" The voice behind the flashlight demanded putting the light directly in our faces " Sir, I'm going to have to ask you to get your hands off her"
The voice grounded and pulled me back to reality as Keelan hand fell off and I visibly swallowed.
"Fuck" Keelan yelled running his hand through his hair.
"May I see your ID please" he requested and I dipped my hand inside my skirt pocket to fetch both Keelan and I ID card.
The police officer looked it over before handing it back to me. "Why are you out here by this time?"
"We're just coming in from out of town. my aunt had an accident and she lost her baby hence my brothers attitude" I lied smoothly looking the officer in the eye.
We didn't have an aunt but officer parker- according to his nametag- didn't know that
His gaze turned to Keelan who was still glaring at me but he nodded. "she's right"
"Ok then, let's get you home then " The man muttered looking at the both of us as if waiting for a fight.
Keelan sighed audibly, resigning to his fate before pulling me by my bag " let's go then".
This time when my phone rang, I answered and assured Sarah that I was on my way back with Keelan in tow.
Do you feel apart from the rest of your schoolmates, different or utterly dissatisfied with your midterm results" There was a pause for effect before our principal continued " Then Come to my office that's always open for all and receive guidance"
Students snorted collectively around me, some even laughed at our principals attempt to act like a guidance counselor when it was clear your complaints would be going straight to the ears of your parent's.
The whole block was littered with students with one or two things to complain about. it wasn't often but we had been taught to keep shut and move on.
Channing Farring wasn't reputable for it's discretion in handling student affairs which was why no one, not even an unsatisfied student would get within three feet of the principals office. The man was a mugwort and a slimy snail but minded his business and made sure everyone imitated that trait.
The halls where peaceful, a fight rarely broke out and the seniors minded themselves like they had ADHD including the boarding students who were always a bit rampant.
Pulling on my blazer, I closed my locker and walked towards my classroom ignoring everything around me, it wasn't hard to drown out the noises with the bigger issue circling around my head.
One turn down the hallway and I was pushing open the door to my classroom which was empty. I settled in beside the window and placed my hands on my desk so I could rest my head and stared outside at the garden.
My father had waltzed back home after being AWOL for the past few weeks, dropped his bags in his room and rather than his scarce appearance which we were barely graced with when he was around, he'd spoken.
It had been unusual to hear him demand earlier this morning before we'd left that Sarah get rid of her braids and hair colour before leaving the house. Keelan and I who had been on the stairs had Frozen in shock.
Sarah who had been standing next to him, defiantly struck out her chin before running back up the stairs brushing past the both of us.
He'd then politely ordered us to eat breakfast with him as a family. Keelan had snorted before storming out the door in anger dragging me behind.
He'd given me one look before flagging a cab " Did all what I said to you the other night fall on deaf ears"
He didn't wait for a reply before entering the cab alone and off to his tutorials, leaving me alone.
"Let's begin students" Mr Bill entered the classroom and I raised my head, dragging out my notebook from under the desk and immediately he began scribbling on the board and opening the discussion about homeostasis the door was pushed open by a girl with a shaved head, her eyes cut across the room untill it rested on me and I felt bile rise up the back of my throat.
Sarah.
She looked pale, and her eyes were puffy. Her uniform was wrinkled like someone had dragged her and forced her to do something she didn't want to do.
This wasn't how I'd left her at home.
She walked towards me and slammed her hands on my desk and the whole class stilled as they watched this unfold.
"Don't do this here" I mummured quietly staring into her eyes. She raised one brow in mockery before peeling out a scream and I slammed my hand over her mouth to muffle it standing up of my seat and dragging her towards the entrance.
Mr Bill gave me a short nod, smiling tightly at the both of us before making a shooing gesture with his hands.
I bowed my head in apology, my hand still clamped tightly around Sarah lips who was clawing pinching and hitting my hand.
Dragging her behind the staircase, I removed my hand from her mouth and she screamed again, tears leaking out of her eyes.
My fists clenched in anger. There had to be an explanation for this.
"You'd left without me and I couldn't jump out the window" She choked out, closing her eyes and placing her head on my shoulder. "I didn't want to but he held me down while Mom cut it off".
"Goddamn them both" I swore inwardly wrapping my hands around her. Keelan would flip if he saw her this way. They shouldn't have messed with Sarah.
"Did you mark attendance" I asked knowing if she didn't we'd have two issues on our plate. Principal Gates would literally slit her throat if she missed one day of class.
She nodded on my shoulder. "I was so embarrassed to walk into class and mom wouldn't allow me wear a wig"
"She dropped you off" I asked thinking about the suitable way to file for child abuse for a fourteen year old.
Sarah nodded again.
"I shouldn't have left without you" I muttered as another fresh wave of sobs cut through her. She shook badly crying more.
I sobered up, willing myself not to give into the tears biting the back of my eyes. This was a rare occurrence but had still happened. if only I hadn't let Keelan drag me out the house.
After standing there for a while, doing nothing more than rubbing a hand slowly up and down Sarah's back, she withdrew, wiping her tears with the back of her hand.
"Get back to class, sorry for disturbing you" She sniffled turning to walk away but I caught her hand
" Don't"
She nodded and I let my hand drop. She walked up the stairs and waved before running ahead.
Her classroom block was behind the fountain on the other side of the small garden between it, the second floor hallway linked the two buildings together but the chances of running into a teacher in that hallway were high.
I walked back to class, noticing the wet spot on my blazer but doing nothing about it.
Whispering to myself, I prayed, wishing for something i should've asked for years ago.
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