บท 32: The Push (Diary Entry #1)
Dear Diary (Heavenly Father),
May 13, 2021. Each day is a fight. The fight against sin, mind, and soul. I never know why they're trying to steer me. Why they feel that You deserve such disrespect. Such disgrace. Your actions, Your choices, are wonderful. Your character displays holiness to the tee. You are what holiness is. I only hope to reach such a point. So then, how could such a beautiful being face heavy disregard? You don't deserve that. I don't understand how Your creations can turn on You. It's because of You we live. We need You God. . .I need you. Without You, there's no purpose. No reason to live. No reason to have worth. No reason for anything to be anything. Is there any reality without You?
Please God. Know that I care. Know that I WANT to serve You, for it is a choice to do so. Not just a feeling. Not just because of obligation, but a decision. I struggle all of the time. Strive to get better and honor Your Word and spread it to others (not preaching). I am not perfect. I am a screw up. I deserve hell and back for the things that I thought of. For burning desire to end everything and everyone in sight. For the side of me yanking from the inside, begging to be unleashed. However, I am also aware that it is not ALL me. Satan is busy at work. He wants me to die (and I cannot lie if You ask if I want the same). He wants me to give up and fall to him. I hate it. I refuse it. To backslide after everything I have endured thus far. Affliction to reach You, or to live happily while slipping to the lake of fire? I am not perfect, but I darn sure prefer the first option.
May 13, 2021. Pushing. Believing. Faithful. Hurting. Screaming. May You bless those who endure the same and worse Father God. We are trying. We feel weak. You are our strength. Please don't give up on us. Please don't leave us. You preserve Your people. You guide Your people. You protect Your people. You love Your people. Dear Heavenly Father, save Your people.
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