บท 20: 19. It’s Always You….
~Nick~
Her warmth leaves as she rips her hand out of mine..
"Nick"
That's all I hear
The sound of the slamming door rings throughout the studio.
"Nick..."
My chest becomes tight, breathing heavily, my hands come up to grip onto my shirt.
Pulling.
Pulling at the collar of my shirt I try to get as much air into my lungs as I can.
'I messed up didn't I..'
How the hell am I supposed to show her my feelings..
When I don't even understand them myself..
How do I tell her I think about her even when I'm trying not to'
Gripping my chest tighter her music still plays in the background
our music.
As I listen to the words of the song I understand why she picked it, it's slow enough to express all the bottled up feelings, without having to actually say them.
I don't know if she understands the lyrics, or if she just likes the song, but at the moment these lyrics express exactly what I'm feeling for her.
As I listen my body can't help but to move along to the beat, and for some strange reason the beat matches the one of my heart.
For a second it makes me happy, dancing to the beat of my own heart I start to imagine us both dancing, with all my bottled up feelings I think of her.
I think of us.
I wished she was still here.
Dancing with me.
Because if she was then I wouldn't have to express my feelings, if she danced with me to the beat of the song, then it would be as if she was dancing to the same beat..
as my heart.
I would hope then and there she would understand what I'm feeling.
I don't know exactly when I started to feel this way.
I don't know what it was about her that made me stop and stare ... was it the fire in her eyes she had only when dancing? Was it the soft bounce of her hair every time she took a step? Honestly I have no idea... and I don't think I'll ever know, but I liked it.
In that exact moment I knew.
I just knew that my heart was beating like this..
For her.
Unconsciously my body had been moving this whole time, dancing on its own as all my thoughts flowed out and into the open.
As I dance I think of why I did what I did.
-Tuesday-
As I drag Justin down the hall and out the double doors I'm struck with a feeling of guilt, my mind drifts back to her cheery voice..
Right before I interrupt her.
Why do I have to be a jerk?
Why can't I ever do anything right?
Why can't I just say and do all the stuff I actually want to do?
Gritting my teeth I pull Justin harder, as we make our way to the movies I push my thoughts of a certain girl to the back of my mind.
-Wednesday-
Tomorrow... why did I have to tell her I'll be there tomorrow.. when I know that's a lie.
As long as she doesn't know then it's fine.
Sitting in the chair I watch Jake bowl, chin resting in my hand as my thoughts drift once again, without my consent.
Her eyes.
All I can remember is her eyes.
Glistening with tears that are trying their best not to make their way down her face.
Her beautiful face.
Her cheeks.
Her pink cheeks that should be holding those tears.
But once again she doesn't cry.
She doesn't yell at me, like she should be doing.
But she doesn't.
And once again I end up feeling guilty, for not being able to express my feelings,
For doing everything opposite from what I actually want to be doing.
"Hey..Nick! Dude it's your turn."
Snapping out of my thoughts I look up, Jake stands infront of me, worry written all over his face.
"Oh.. yeah sorry man"
Once again I push her to the back of my mind, but I know that in a couple of minutes she'll be the only thing running through it.
Again.
-Thursday-
"Yeah I know, you're busy"
Brushing my shoulder, she walks straight past me, this time is different.
She didn't even wait, and why should she.
Chuckling at my thoughts I think of how stupid I am to actually WANT her to wait for me.
To ask me again if I'm coming or not.
So this time when she walks past me I feel disappointed.
In myself.
Sighing out loud I follow Sam to the skating rink.
Leaving her again.
When all I want to do is be right next to her.
~~
As the events of the past couple days play through my mind I take all my anger and frustration out, and put it into my dancing.
As I dance to the duet I understand just how lonely she felt, just how lonely I made her feel.
Having to do this by yourself when you have a partner is like trying to breathe..
It's impossible when you're head is stuck under water.
when my body falls to the floor I lay there, I don't want to move, maybe if I had actually tried to show her what I feel then we wouldn't be here.
We.
That's something I won't ever get to say.
I already messed up, how do I fix something I already broke.
The answer is simple, and as I lay on the floor I realize that I can't.
But the worst thing is that even though I can't, I'm still going to try.
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