บท 2: Travel 1. Welcome To My World
The wind was blowing all over my face, I couldn't understand what was going on, confusing was filling my thoughts. My head was spinning and it felt like I was way too drunk, even though I hadn't drink for a while. My body felt like a leaf, flying to nowhere. It seems that I would never touch the ground again, and when I finally did it, it was on a fluffy floor. Or that is what I thought.
Everything was dark and blurry to my eyes. My hands and my knees ached. I realized I was on the grass of a big field. I was smelling so bad, as if I haven't taken a shower for weeks. I tried to get up but it felt like my body was tons of weight.
Then, when I tried to calm down my confusion, I opened again my eyes. Suddenly, I was lying on a bench, in the middle of a park.
"What the hell?"
I didn't know what I was doing here. But I felt like everything was so different. I started to look at the details. A man was holding a kid, probably his son, with one hand, and on the other he was carrying a mobile phone. It wasn't a cellphone at all. It was a brick. He was talking. On the other side, there were a bunch of girls with high pants and basic shirts, with bangs and the ends of their hair were facing the neck. It was a hairstyle so out of trend, but they were looking so good. I looked behind me, and there was a cute boy reading Cosmo, Stephanie Seymour on the cover.
Definitely, I wasn't in the right time.
But things just wouldn't stop becoming crazier. When I got up to finally take a walk, and go home hoping that everything was just a weird dream, I found my mother-in-law. And she was pregnant. Beside her, there was quite a handsome man, very tall I must say. He was helping her to walk faster towards the hospital, but of course, that was something hard when you already have a kid to take care of. My sister-in-law was way behind them, playing around. My heart was beating so fast.
I wanted to help them, but my condition wasn't the best. My clothes were dirty, and I found some coins in my jacket. I don't know if they were already there or if it was the pity of the people. While walking, I could feel many eyes on me. Probably they were thinking why I was in that condition, that I look totally fine, that maybe I'm some crazy girl, a hoe, someone who needs help, who doesn't have education at all, and the list could go on. They were feeling sorry for me. Some of them didn't even bother to look twice at me. I know this because I used to think that way. And right now, I feel stupid.
Anyhow, I went onto them, and offered my help. Anneliese was looking so young and sweet, and she smiled at me, thanking me for the gesture. She didn't look at me with confusion, as her husband. He looked at me in a way that made me feel uncomfortable. Like if I was an insect. I extended my hand to Georgia, and she took it, smiling at me. Who would have thought I would be looking at her in her childhood, when she is older than me for more than a decade.
-Walk in front of us- ordered the man.
I couldn't fight him back because anyone wouldn't trust in me, and certainly I don't know why Anne accepted. His name is Edmund. And I know that because he is clearly the father of my boyfriend. Why I didn't recognize him? I have never seen a picture of him. Familiar pictures were only about Georgie, Harlow and Anne. He was all ripped off.
I was so lost in my thoughts and confusion. Why I was here, in 1994? And clearly, in my boyfriend's birthday! Not birthday but BIRTH-day. This was so out of my limits. We got in the hospital and I gave Georgia back to her father. She smiled at me again, never said a word, which I found weird since she might be the most talkative lady I ever knew, besides me. But we all change, whether for good or bad.
-Thank you so much for bringing Georgia, but may I ask you one more favor?
-Of course- I said.
-Could you please take care of my little girl while I'm in the room? My husband is going to be with me and my family is not showing up yet.
-No problem.
I really couldn't talk to her. I was in shock.
I grab Georgia by her hand, how tiny it was. Since she wasn't really going to say a word, I tried so hard to remember. We sat in the waiting room, and she was eating some candies.
But thinking about this whole situation deeply, this was so unlike Anneliese. She would never gave her little girl with some stranger, and frankly I was a stranger right now. And that Harlow's father was really here... I search in my pockets but of course, my cellphone was all gone. Probably my parents are worried to death about where I am. Or may I say, "was"?
I was located in such a delicate year. So, make some calculations: Harlow is going to born in a few hours. To be more specific, tomorrow. This year is the one when my parents get to know each other, and that happened (or it is going to happen) in June, to finally get married in December. And to think of the hell of a marriage that turn out to be, with me being the one who made possible for them to never forgetting about each other, it seemed a great idea to stop them for even getting to know.
But that would mean that my whole existance is going to disappear.
-What's ya name?- asked me little Georgia with her tiny and cute little voice. I laughed because I still couldn't believe I'd be older than her somehow.
-Alexandra. I heard yours is Georgia.
-Yep. And I'd have a brother. But I don't like him.
-Why wouldn't you?
-He is going to steal my mommy.
If you only knew Georgie. I laughed again.
-You will see the light in his eyes, and you'll love him no matter what. And your mother would never choose one of you over the other.
-How ya know tha? Do ya have a brother?
-I'm an only child, but I know that because that is what they say about having siblings. You'd give your life for them.
We heard Anneliese screaming, and Georgia face was all red.
-That thing is makin' mommy cry.
I didn't know what to do or say to her. Should I explain her about the contractions?
I was talking to this little girl, and probably an hour had passed when the family arrived.
-Who are you? Where's Anne?
-She is in labor right now, and I'm Alexandra, I'm taking care of...
And then this young woman interrupted me.
-Fine, but we are here now, you can go home.
I bet I know her but I couldn't remember who she was. I just stand up and Georgia grabbed my hand.
-Thank you- she said and I smiled back.
-I hope to see you soon.
As I was walking towards the entrance of the hospital, I heard the young woman asking Georgia who I was, which she replied:
-I feel like she is my sister.
I looked at myself on the glass of the door, and I really looked disgusting. Inside my chest I felt like I should stay there, but his family had already kinda kicked me out, and I don't blame them at all. I look like a punk. I went out of the hospital but got in again, taking another hall. I would never want to lose the opportunity of seeing Harlow being a newborn.
I wasn't sure what was going on, why would I be there, how did I get there. It was so unreal.
I looked at my hands or my clothes and the only conclusion I got was that I was stinky as hell, my hands were dry and a little dirty, and I only had a necklace that Harlow had given me. But besides that, I only remember my whole life until a week ago. And now I am at the point when Harlow is born.
Why this point and why this year? Is it to stop my existance so that I would reincarnate in my present (future) boyfriend or what?
The newspapers were all about genocides and politics, which made me feel more uncomfortable than I already was. I search for some money on my pocket but I didn't have a lot and I didn't want to waste it on anything that is not important, although my head was aching so bad because of the needing of coffee. So coffee was a must have right now.
It was around 5 in the afternoon. I was sure Harlow told me the time he born, but as everything else, I couldn't remember. I didn't want to lose the opportunity to see his face, but I wanted to search for memories. And mostly, I wanted to see my mother. In this year, she is just 3 years older than me. How would I go and talk to her? What would I say?
-Excuse me, could you please give me a cup of coffee? I don't have any money, and to be honest I can't even remember where I had been, so I really need a coffee because my head is about to explode.
The nurse looked at me, doubting.
- I swear I'm not going to steal or something.
She gave me the coffee.
-Do you want me to call someone? Do you need help?
-No, I'm fine. I guess I'm going to remember eventually. Thank you.
And then I remembered, Harlow was going to born at midnight.
I run out of the hospital, because I had nearly 6 hours left to find my mother.
I was walking around the corner, asking where it was the train station. I knew I had to pay for tickets but I didn't have enough money, so I was planning to just get in. I wanted to go to Alsager, my mother's old town. I bet she is living there right now and that her house is not sold yet. I felt a little nervous, because I hadn't been in Alsager for a while.
The more I was walking down the streets, the more I felt out of place. How come I have been a big fan of the 90s, and yet I felt as a stranger in my own country?
I started to cry because I missed my current life, and I had no clue what I have done to end up here. I was worried that my parents were searching for me or even Harlow. Knowing my parents and specially my mother, they would have already call the cops. When I got to the train station, I saw a young, tall man giving tickets. And I laughed at myself. It was my father. How handsome he was. I bet that the genes never lie.
-Where do you want to go?
He looked at me with his serious face. Then, his expression softened. He was staring at me the way he has always done, as if he knew I was his little girl.
-Do I know you from somewhere?
I smiled at him.
-I think we have seen each other at some point.
Because it was impossible to deny that we look much more alike.
-I'm going to ask you a favor, could you please give me just one free ticket? The cheapest one, I don't care if I get to travel standing or even on the rooftop. I need to see someone who is really important for me, and I have no money. In fact, I don't even remember some things. Please, I need this.
And by putting my hand together as if I was going to pray, he gave me a ticket.
-I don't know you and yet I feel like you are a special kid. Here you have.
-Thank you so much- I said, before I could hug him or call him "dad". I didn't want to make a scene or scare the poor young man. He even called me "kid", which is funny because in this year, he is only 6 years older than me.
I looked at the ticket, which was economy class. I sat all alone, and I knew that in the next 2 hours I'd be in my mom's city. My heart was filled with love when I saw my dad, and my tears started to fall again. I needed to tell my mom to not marry him. He will hurt her a lot. And I didn't want to be part of that, but do I want to lose my life? I don't even know how my mom would react if she sees me. Would she look at me the way my dad did? Is this going to affect everything?
A young girl sat next to me. But to be honest, she wasn't that young, probably just two years younger than me.
-Are you okay?
She smiled at me.
-I guess I am, thank you.
-My name is Nirvana. Nice meeting you.
And I looked at her.
-Why would you...?
-I swear, I'm not a big fan of Kurt. And besides, I was born years before Nirvana came out. Trust me.
-My name is Alexandra.
-Are you going to Barlaston?
-No, I'm going to Alsager.
-Great! It is a nice place. A really quiet city.
I nodded. I looked at the window and saw how the sun was already gone. What was I looking for? Would I jump into my mother?
I always said that if I had the opportunity, I would completely reverse my origins by making my mom not marrying my dad, or at least by making them separate before I was even born. But right now I have my doubts. Is it worth it? She always told me that she would do everything again to have me in her life. And I had hate the way my father acted towards her for so long, but after all he wasn't a bad father. Quite the contrary, he is the best one. He only was a bad husband. And I don't have the fault of it. But I have always felt like I did.
-Would you like some music?
Nirvana was showing me her Walkman, and I accepted immediately. I always wanted that thing. And we would be listening to A-HA.
-I don't want to interrupt your thoughts, but believe me, these dudes are going to cheer that face up.
-I believe you, I'm a big fan of them.
A fan of an 80s band in the 21st century. Ahead of my time.
Talking with Nirvana made me think of getting to know her in my time, when I got in there. Probably she is married or having kids, or maybe she is not even in England. Either way, I will look for her.
When I finally arrived, I had some trouble remembering the way. I looked at the station's clock, and I had still four hours left to see Harlow... As a baby. How creepy is that? With no more music in my ears, I started to sing.
Few minutes later, I was already in a big green field. And the smell of hot chocolate was in the air. I smiled, because that is the exact smell I remember last time being here. I was around 10 or 11 years old.
I pull the wooden gate with no problem, since it was without a lock. And then, I saw my mother hanging clothes on the ropes.
She was 21 years old. Or about to be 21 at least. She really is beautiful, and my heart hurts. I couldn't be here, not even talking to her. Again, I must say I have great genes.
-Hi, may I help you?
I was crying, and she came running towards me.
-Why are you crying? Do you need help? What's your name?
-Alexandra- was the only thing I could tell her in that moment.
She smiled.
-I love that name. Do you want a glass of water?
I nodded.
-You are not a thief or something, right?- she asked me suspicious. I laughed.
-No. My mother has raised me well.
-Where is she now?
-I scaped from my house. And I don't know how to come back. And I bet she is madly angry at me.
-I would be, too. Why did you scape? Do you need where to stay the night?
-No, thank you.
And she sat next to me. She has short hair, and her curls were even prettier than they are now. I wanted to hug her.
-May I ask you something?
-Sure.
-If you have a daughter, but her father is someone who treats you like hell... Would you still love her, or would you rather not have her in order for you to not be tied for life to this man?
She looked at me, very surprised by my question.
-Is that what is happening at your house?
I nodded.
-And did your mom ever tell you that you were the cause of the violence in your house?
-She never did that. In fact, she always says that she would go through everything again just to have me in her life.
And I laughed because I think it is stupid.
-There you go then. That is my answer. If I choose to have her, then I'd do everything in my hands to not let her have these ideas you are creating in your mind. I bet she loves you more than anyone else in this world.
And I cried. She hugged me.
-I clearly don't know you or your family, but I can tell you are a very special kid.
Why my parents keep calling me "kid"? I'm not that young right now. I was ready for her answer, but I expect her to answer what I wanted to hear tho.
-You really should go home now. She might be waiting for you.
-I'm sorry for just showing up here and ask you this weird stuff. Is just that you were the very first person I saw all day and...
-If she already told you that she would do anything for you, then just leave it like that. And no apologies, it is a pleasure- she interrupted me.
I walked to the wooden gate, and she screamed at me.
-My name is Violet, by the way! Hope to see you again!
There were only 3 hours and a quarter left to see Harlow.
I knew the system of the trains, since I get to travel a lot inside the country with my mom. And I know that, by the night, anyone gets in the train and they do not care. The guards, I mean.
I got into the train by being behind a tall man, whose big coat covered me. This time, I had no one to rely on. So I felt asleep the 2 hours of trip.
The woman on the microphone just screamed that we had arrived at Redditch. I looked at the clock, and I still had time to get in there.
Harlow's family were in front of the hospital, and I saw little Georgia in her auntie's arm, sleeping. I would never miss this, even if my mom's answer were to say what I expected.
I got inside the hospital by the door on the corner, and waited on the first floor. The moment I arrived was glorious: I heard him crying. I could swear it was him. And I wasn't wrong. His father got out of the room, screaming in emotion.
-IT IS A BOY! IT IS A BOY!
They all knew it was going to be a boy, but to scream it like that, telling the whole world, was another kind of joy. The whole family would scream as well and congratulate him.
I sat next to the room where they put the new born babies. It was about 20 more minutes til the nurses get him in the room.
Harlow Selley. 2.5 Kg. 45 cm.
And he was there. A cute, pink and delicate tiny baby. He was in a lightblue clothing. He couldn't even open his eyes. I smiled like a fool. What if I have a son with him, and looks like this? I was seeing the love of my life being a baby, and I only wanted to make him my own son. He melted me in a way I have never imagined.
-He is pretty- said Georgia, who was in the arms of a guy now.
-He is your brother. Beauty is in the genes, my dear.
I smiled at Georgia, and she waved at me.
With tears, I got out of the hospital, and went back to the bench of the park.
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