บท 21: Chapter 16
Sarah paced inside the lab lost in her thoughts, she'd hung up with Ray after she'd reconfirmed their meeting. He'd proposed to make the meeting earlier and told her in no uncertain way that he was going to look into protection options for her and Adam. When she's protested he'd simply said "Dead bodies don't pay bills," and that had effectively shut her up.
"Elias would kill me if something was to happen to you" he'd added before hanging up with a smile in his voice.
She was still in awe of how Elias and his father had acted. to make the investigation for her sake, no matter how you looked at it she seemed guilty, but they'd trusted her and tried to protect her. even though she'd ended her relationship with him like that.
"You should call him," Adam said from where he was collecting data around the lab and saving it in a cloud drive.
"I didn't want to involve him" She responded guilt-ridden.
"Too late, he already is. If breaking up with him was your way to keep him away from all this, then your plan failed remarkably," Adam said in a sobering tone that made her feel exposed and frustrated. She didn't respond, and he just left her to her thoughts.
Her mind wandered back to Elias, to the leaked document, her cold break up. The man was an idiot, after all the trouble she went through to make him stay away, he threw himself in the middle of the crossfire.
'you're kidding yourself' her inner voice whispered 'You know well that you weren't protecting anyone but yourself...'
Sarah's guts wrenched at the piece of harsh truth coming from her own conscience. It was the harsh reality of the ugliness of her actions, exposed beneath the sun for anyone to look at. Sarah is a coward, and denying it would be lying to herself.
Her phone rang again in her pocket and she held it up, Elias' name peered back at her in the cellphone's blinding light. Somehow she knew why he was calling her, and she didn't have the courage to face him, yet.
"You should answer that," Adam said standing up and heading toward P. Wattani's office, giving her privacy.
She stared back at the phone ringing patiently in her hand. Somehow, she could picture Elias holding his phone to his ears and patiently waiting for her to answer like he'd been patiently waiting for her to answer.
Disgust with herself rose within her as the image of her real self became clear in her mind. She didn't want to stay like this anymore, she didn't want to hide, avoid and run away from Elias' sincere feelings anymore. She had to face him like he always did with her and tell him the truth.
Sarah answered the phone with resolve and waited to hear the voice from the other end. The voice that will undoubtedly deliver the finality she'd been scared of.
'Yeah, that's it. just dump him before he does it himself. It will hurt less that way.' her old thoughts keeps resurfacing in her mind. 'You're too much baggage, he's not going to want all this.'
'Protect him, my ass.' her mind kept repeating making her cringe, 'Rather keep him away before he gets too close to hurt you.'
By the time her hand reached her ear, she felt ice cold and numb.
"So this is what it was about?" Elias said in a calm, cool tone that scared her to the core of her being.
This time, he's really done with her...
"Elias, i..." She stopped wondering what she was going to say to him.
That she was sorry that he'd gotten involved in this?
That she somehow didn't know anything about the drug until today?
Even though all that is true, did she expect him to forgive and forget and then let life be flowers and sunshine after that?
"Sarah," Elias said with a deep exhale "Can you at least talk to me now? Now that the cat is out of the bag. can you talk to me? can you tell me what's going on?" Elias whispered into her ear, his voice pleading with her.
Wait, what?
why would Elias be pleading?
shouldn't he cursing and accusing her? why was the man talking so gently?
"I know that I've been cornering you all this time. But I just knew that you were in a bind and wanted to get you out of it." Elias continued breaking her already shattered heart into a million mili pieces.
Why was he such a good man? She didn't deserve him. Nor did she deserve his forgiveness...
She took a deep breath and said, "you know," she said in a calm tone "I'm a coward, I've always been. You're such a wonderful person. So forgiving and nice..."
"you're not a coward " he responded fervently " you're just trying to take on the world on your own, and I'm scared it will crush you down someday."
"you give me way too much credit, Elias. The truth is, that I'm just hiding, behind the pretext of my responsibility. i just wasn't able to face the possibility that you'd betray me. I was worried about what I was going to do if you really decided I wasn't worth the hassle. And it shocked me to my core when i wasn't able to say right away that you would never do something like that. even though I knew it, I couldn't get rid of my doubt." she said painfully "I couldn't even give you the same trust you put on me. I don't deserve you, Elias."
"Sarah, we were both prey to our own doubts, it's not just your fault" he responded sad "I hate to admit it, but you walking out was probably the best decision at the time, if you hadn't there wouldn't have been anything salvageable between us," He admitted making the spiral of her own thoughts standstill.
"I was pressured too, from both sides, and was burning myself out trying to make you safe. trying to make you enter a bubble and keep you there. we were both wrong, but we can work on it."
"I just" she took a deep breath as if trying to suppress her tears, Elias was now taking the blame on himself. How mich more toxic she was going to become for him.
"I just want to stop before I hurt you any more than I already did." she said feeling the words leaving her mouth of their own accord "Being with me caused you nothing but trouble, and you kept working so hard to help me out. It's affecting your life so much, I'm holding you down... "
"What? Sarah what are you talking about."
"I wanted you to be happy. I still do. That's why I want you to stop involving yourself in this, find someone else instead of staying attached to me like this. you're such a wonderful person that I'm sure that you will meet someone you deserve to be with..."
"Sarah," Elias's tone was dead stone, harsh, angry, and dark, "I won't say this twice, so listen well. I will never look for someone else, if you want us to be done, then fine. we are done. we've been done the moment you left all those months ago."
He said his voice heating through the line. Sarah didn't know whether she was standing or sitting anymore. she could barely notice her surroundings as her insides churned and twisted. the words that she'd been dreading were uttered. Elias has said it, they were done. The next thing he said was a blur, the phone was no longer by her ear as she sat there tears falling down her cheeks.
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