บท 17: It's okay to be scared

"So what did you think about the movie?" Christian asked on our way home.

"Well I would say scary and kinda fun at the same time."

"Well I think it was cool."

"Sure you do." I said rolling my eyes. We fell into a comfortable silence before I spoke up

"I wish I knew."

"Huh?" Christian asked giving me a quick glance before looking at the road."

"I wish I knew how many hours left for Lucy before she was going to die"

"Oh."

"If I knew, I would have spent more time with her, told I love her countless times,I wouldn't have fought with her." My voice cracked as tears filled my eyes

"Panda." Christian said in a soothing voice.

"Oh sorry my bad." I said wiping my tears.

"It's-"

"No, I just got emotional over a silly movie."

"It's not silly." He said but I kept quiet and the remaining ride home was a quiet one.

Ten minutes later, he pulled up in my driveway and I was about to get out when he grabbed my wrist and I turned to look at him.

"Panda "

"No,it's alright, I'm alright. See?" I tried to smile but I couldn't just bring myself to.

"Ash-"

"I will be fine. No worries. No worries." I said as I removed my wrist from his hold and got out.

"Thanks for today. I will see you tomorrow yes?"

"Sure but-"

"Bye." I shut his car door and walked inside without looking back.

"Jingle bells jingle bells

Jingle all the way,

Come-"

I switched off the radio with a grunt. Christmas was three days ago but the spirit was still everywhere. Rain instead of snow was falling heavily and it was really dark.

I looked at sleeping sister beside me and immediately wished I was like her. Her carefree, healthy and happy life. I turned my eyes back to the road and sighed.

Can't have everything in this world can we?

A buzz from the car cup holder made me look at it. Lucy's phone was lit and looks like a notification just came in. I grabbed it and tapped on it keeping one eye on the phone and the other the road

Notification:

Countdown: you have three weeks, one day left, twenty four seconds to live.

Okay what?

"Em....Lucy?" I called still looking at the phone.

"Lucy?" I tapped her.

"Lucy? Lu-" A shining light blinded me and the next thing knew, we were against a tree. The last thing I saw before everything went black was the word countdown.

I woke with a jolt and grabbed my phone on the bedside table and I dialled the number I could only think of. It rang three times before it was picked.

"Panda?" He said groggily

"Did I wake you?" My voice sounding hoarse.

"Is something wrong?"

"Can you come over?" I asked ad I felt myself starting to tear up again.

"Nightmare?"

"Yeah." I heard some shuffling and rustling like he was moving about.

"Be there in ten." He said and before he hung up I spoke

"Can you not hang up?"

"Why?"

"Please?" My voice coming out as a desperate whisper.

"Sure. So what do you want to talk about?" He asked and I heard a door shutting and an engine starting.

"Anything please."

"Okay. What's your favorite color.' He asked and I chuckled.

"What?! You said I should say anything."

I paused not because I didn't know what to say but because of what my best color is. Before I would have said red in a heartbeat but recent events made me rethink it.

"Grey."

"That's cool. Well mine's blue. Especially those dull ones." He said and I could hear the smile in his voice

"Really?"

"Yeah?"

"Why?" I ask interested

"I don't know, I'm just drawn to dull blue, you know the deep ocean kind of blue?"

"Oh. That's nice." I said with a small smile.

"Yeah. Can you come open the door? I'm here already.

"Oh." I turned to face my window. " I'll be down in a minute.

"Can I hang up now?"

"No." I said opening the door of my room and stepped out. My mum was still out of town and dad had a late night so he probably can't here a thing

"Hi." I waved to Christian as soon as I opened the door and hung up

"So I don't get to hang up but you get the privilege of doing so. Wow what a cruel world." He said placing his hand over his heart and feigning hurt. I smiled and hugged him and started crying. He tensed from the shock of the hug but relaxed when he heard my sobs.

"Shh it's okay."

"It's all my fault." I said still sobbing.

"It is going to be okay."

"And I didn't-" The words got stuck in my throat and I sobbed.

"Let's go upstairs." Christian said taking my hand, closing the door and taking me up to my room.

"Nice pjs" He said trying to lighten the mood and I looked at what I was wearing. I was in my brother's grey top which was big for me, black girl shorts and blue socks. Christian was dressed in dressed in a yellow top and black sweatpants.

"Yeah thanks." I muttered. He opened the door to my room and sat down on the bed with me.

"So tell me what happened." And I did. I told him about the songs, the atmosphere, the phone, the notification and he didn't for once interrupt me.

"Panda."

"I'm scared Christian and I don't want to be scared. I'm scared but I want to act strong for everyone."

"And what are you scared of?"

"Everything." He held my hands and gave them a gentle squeeze.

"Look,Ashley, some years ago, I witnessed an accident happen. It happened right in front of my eyes and I couldn't do anything. I felt helpless, defendless, Ashley I felt useless. I had nightmares weeks even months after the accident because I felt I could have done more. Anytime I saw a black car, I had panic attacks. I was always scared that an accident could happen and I'll be helpless." He paused. "Look what I'm trying to say is that it's okay to be scared. Hell I'm still scared of a lot of things. I'm scared of losing someone important to me because of my actions, I'm scared I'm falling for someone that I think I've already fallen for, I'm scared that I think she would be the death of me, I'm scared of failing. Hell I'm still scared, so it's okay. Ashley, it's okay." He finished.

"Thanks a lot." I said and hugged him. Although I was tinni tiny bit sad that he was falling for someone, his words did comfort me and I was grateful for that

"Anytime. Come sleep and I'll be on my way."

"No don't, you can sleep here." I held onto his wrist.

"You sure?" He asked confused.

"Yeah." I nodded.

"Then I'll stay on the floor."

He tucked me in and went to grab some blankets from a closet in my room and laid them on the floor.

"How did you know where they were?" I asked with a smile.

"I figured." He said with a small smile.

"Goodnight Christian."

"Night panda." He said but I had already fallen asleep forgetting the nightmare.