บท 446: I will be here

Beau

I don't know how I even feel about all this.

Looking at him on the hospital bed, unconscious and in pain, is fucking breaking my heart. I hate this place I am in. The helpless spectator place I am in. I can't do anything for him except just sit here and watch him suffer. I haven't ever felt this helpless in my whole life. I wish this was happening to me. I wish he didn't have to go through all this alone. There is nothing I can do and I am beginning to hate myself for this.

I am being to blame myself for this even though I know it is not my fault. Even though I know he doesn't blame me.

I only wish I could do something for him.

I can't even hold his hand or tell him I love him. I don't even know if he can hear me. He is on so much medication. All I can do is sit here and watch him suffer.