บท 65: Chapter Twenty-One: It's Not Fair
As Kanako ran through the halls, she stopped by the usual meet-up points in search of Haruna. In front of the cooking club room, near the front doors, even in Haruna's classroom, but the girl was nowhere to be found. "Where could she be?" Kanako wondered. "Did she have practice today?" Kanako wanted to find her as quick as possible. After all, there was a boy waiting for her answer to a confession.
Deciding to check the track, Kanako went out to the athletics area of the school's campus. Arriving back outside, she shivered from the cold air. "Is she out here?" Kanako thought as she looked around. Then, seeing a blue wave flutter in the breeze, Kanako's eyes went to it, revealing Izumi and Haruna. Currently, Izumi was shouting orders at Haruna as she ran. "That looks rough..." Kanako thought. However, her sympathy felt small compared to her impatience. "I just need to talk to her for a few minutes, but I'd feel bad interrupting her practice." Going back and forth over the decision, Kanako ultimately decided to wait. Shivering again from the cold air, she went back inside.
Finding a nearby bench, all Kanako could do was entertain herself with her own thoughts (not that it was very entertaining anyways). At the moment, there was a question on her mind. Why had Akio insisted that she talk to Haruna? Sure, he had given his reasons and ultimately Kanako had agreed, but something about it just didn't add up. She couldn't get past the facts that she had laid out in front of her.
One, Haruna had clearly stated that she was no longer in love with Akio. Kanako knew Akio could be right. Haruna could be lying, but it hadn't felt that way when she had said it.
Two, if Haruna really had feelings for someone else, then there was no reason to tell her about Akio's confession. In a way, it almost felt like Kanako was asking for permission to date Akio, and thinking of it that way bothered her.
Three, the confession. Kanako was over the moon that Akio had asked her to go out with him, but it was also a little hard to understand. Kanako hadn't done anything different, so why had Akio suddenly gone from seemingly having no interest in her to saying he was in love with her?
"I don't get it," Kanako thought. She wanted to believe Akio, but she couldn't get rid of her doubts. Something lying within the facts in her mind was trying to tell her something, but whatever it was, it continued to remain a mystery.
Glancing at the clock on her phone, Kanako let out a small sigh. It had only been roughly 10 minutes or so since school had let out. If Haruna was doing an official practice, Kanako would be waiting for another 45 minutes at least. She briefly considered going to her own club to kill time. After all, they were meeting right now. But after thinking about it, Kanako decided to stay put. She hadn't told anyone she wasn't going because she hadn't felt like answering questions. If she showed up now, a couple members were bound to ask where she had been. "I'll just explain it to them tomorrow," she thought. "After all, one look at Akio-kun and I together should be enough for them to understand." The image of she and Akio holding hands and calling him her boyfriend made Kanako giddy. "I can't wait!" she squealed inside.
The day had finally come. After so much imagining, so much daydreaming, it had actually happened. Not only had there been a confession between them, but it had come from Akio no less. It had just been the two of them. Just Kanako and Akio as feelings had been put into words. Replaying Akio's words in her head, Kanako giggled. "He really said he loves me..." she thought. Remembering that was enough to overwrite her doubts. Being in love with Akio for so long, her feelings had only grown stronger as time had gone on. Unfortunately, they had also given Kanako tunnel vision, and with each successive move Akio made, that tunnel got narrower and narrower. Surely her heart was now set on the boy more than it ever had been before. He had said he loved her, and she certainly loved him. Nothing else mattered.
While Kanako let her own joy flood her, there was something that wasn't getting washed away. Rooted in Kanako's heart was her love for Akio, but next to it, something else had already sprouted. It was the source of her doubts. Perhaps more importantly, it was the reason why her mind kept going back to Haruna.
*****
"Run, run Haruna-san!" Izumi cheered from the grass. "I AM running!" Haruna yelled. Once again, she was being subjected to Izumi's own personal training. She had no idea how things had ended up like that. Starting last year, Izumi had simply given Haruna some tips. Somehow that had evolved into working on a few things, which led to these now full-blown (and completely random) one-on-one training sessions. "Why can't I just be a normal club member?" Haruna thought as she completed another lap.
For whatever reason, Izumi had been dead set on Haruna becoming the next club president, a role she had turned down numerous times already. Not one to be deterred easily, Izumi had kept pushing and pushing, hoping that one day Haruna would agree. While Haruna certainly appreciated getting help from someone as good as Izumi, she had no ambitions of becoming a pro. Add that to her complete lack of desire to be the president of a club at all, and what resulted was harsh practiced mixed with a repeated and annoying request.
With two claps, Izumi signaled that Haruna's running was over. "Good job, good job Haruna-san!" Izumi said happily. "At this rate, you'll become the perfect president!" "Not gonna happen," Haruna said, turning the girl down flat. "But why all the running? I know we're still doing more conditioning-like stuff, but this seems kind of pointless." "Running builds up all sorts of things!" Izumi said. "Stamina, leg strength, breathing. It's all stuff you need to be a good competitor! Plus, we're not that far into our season yet, so doing the basics is still fine." Then Izumi looked at the time. "Okay, we've still got plenty of daylight! So let's see you do some core work next!" "Ugh..." Haruna moaned as she got down on the ground.
After what felt like an eternity, Izumi finally signaled the end of the practice. "That's it, that's it!" she proclaimed. "Be sure to rest up properly!" "Yeah, yeah," Haruna said weakly. She was exhausted. Once she had taken a few breaths and had some water, she began heading back toward the school. Izumi had gone ahead of her, leaving Haruna to walk alone. As she did, she let her mind wander, but it settled on the events of the other day.
Being reminded of her own failure stung, but what hurt even worse were the words Kanako had said. There had always been a part of Haruna that had known Kanako would never consider her romantically. After all, for as long as she could remember, Kanako had only had eyes for one person ever, and that was Akio.
Haruna didn't hate Akio for that. Considering she had once been in love with him, she understood what it was that Kanako saw. Usually, he was kind and understanding, though he could be a little evasive. Even after seeing what he was doing with Kanako and how he poked at Haruna, she still didn't hate him. What she did hate though was the unfair advantage he held.
Akio hadn't needed to do anything. All he needed was to let life play out as it normally did, and he'd end up with some girl, be it Kanako or someone else. The rules of society dictated that that was the set course. If you chose to stray from it, you'd be in for a path of briars and thorns. That alone would deter most people, but what happens when someone who defies the set course goes up against someone who follows it?
Haruna was learning what it meant. She had decided to go against the norm and even go as far as to challenge someone else who was doing what was "normal." Loving a girl when she was one herself was already difficult, but to get that girl to go out with her when she too followed the set course was something that was very hard to overcome.
There were questions to be asked along the way. Was Haruna a lesbian? She wasn't really sure. There was no denying she thought Chiyo was attractive and Jasmine practically oozed seductiveness, but Haruna was certain most people would agree with her on those points. Considering other girls, there wasn't much there. Haruna didn't feel anything in particular about them, aside from the solace of them all being girls together.
However, she knew one thing for sure. Haruna loved Kanako. Her heart thumped loudly inside her chest as she thought the words and her face grew hot. In the end, Haruna decided that it didn't really matter what classification she fell into. All she needed to know was that Kanako was the one she wanted.
But knowledge and the actions using that knowledge were two separate things. Haruna wanted to blame Akio for his unfair advantage, but she stopped that line of thought. "That isn't right," she told herself. While it was possible to unjustly place blame upon both the boy and society for the position Haruna found herself in, there was at least one more party that deserved equal, if not more blame, than anyone else.
It was Haruna. Time and time again, she had opted for the easier path, choosing to throw winks and nods toward Kanako in hopes that she'd notice her feelings instead of just saying them aloud. Thanks to her own cowardice and ineptitude, Haruna had failed to make nearly as much of an impression as she had hoped. Seeing that Haruna's efforts had not gone as well as she would've liked, Akio had swooped in and taken advantage. As the saying goes, all's fair in love and war.
There was blame to go around, but because most of it fell on Haruna, she only ended up making herself feel worse. "What can't I just tell her?" she wondered. "It's only three simple words." Yet even thinking of saying that made Haruna incredibly nervous. The fear of being rejected, the fear of seeing how Kanako would react hearing another girl confess to her, and the fear of losing Kanako again were all too much for Haruna to bear. It felt like the only way she could was by keeping her feelings inside.
Once Haruna got changed, she went to meet Kanako at her club room. There was still a little bit of time until the cooking club would let out. Standing across the hallway and in front of the door, it was only a few minutes later when it opened. "Huh? Endo-san?" Mayu said. "Hey," Haruna said with a wave. "Why are you here? Kana-chan didn't come to club today," Mayu said. "Huh?" Haruna let out. "Do you know where she is?" Mayu shook her head. "Sorry. She didn't tell any of us. She might still be here though." "What makes you say that?" Haruna asked. "Well, I saw her in the hallway right after classes were let out. She was heading toward the back of the school." Thanking Mayu for the information, Haruna began to head that way.
"Why did she go this way?" Haruna wondered. For a moment, the idea of someone confessing to Kanako ran through her mind, but she shook it away. If that were really the case, Haruna had no idea what she'd do, so instead she ignored the possibility. Continuing down the hall, she neared the end when she heard footsteps. Suddenly, turning the corner was Kanako.
"Kanako?" Haruna said when she saw her. The girl looked up. "O-Oh, Haruna! There you are," she said. "I was waiting for you by the track field, but the next time I looked, you were gone, so I decided to search for you. Looks like we found each other," she finished with a smile. "I see..." Haruna said, smiling back. Then, after a moment of silence between them, Kanako spoke. "H-Haruna, um... there's... something I need to talk to you about." "Okay," Haruna said, wondering what it was. "L-Let's go in here," Kanako said, opening the door to an empty classroom. Being at the end of the first floor hallway, it was tucked away and secluded, perfect for having a private conversation.
Once the two girls were inside, they both continued standing. Haruna faced the blackboard, and Kanako faced Haruna. There was an air of seriousness around Kanako, but Haruna also noticed the unease surrounding her too. "Seriously, what's this about?" she wondered. She didn't have to guess for long, as Kanako began to speak.
"S-So, Haruna," she said. "You... really don't like A-Akio-kun anymore, right?" "What?" Haruna said, confused by the question. It was so out of nowhere that she wasn't sure how to respond. With Kanako being the one asking, Haruna scrambled to find an answer. "W-Well, I mean, I don't think so?" she said unconvincingly. At her answer, Kanako's eyes widened a bit, but only for a moment. "I see... t-that makes this more difficult." It seemed to Haruna that Kanako was misinterpreting something, but before she could ask about it, Kanako dropped a bombshell on her.
"T-Today, after school... A-Akio-kun asked me out."
"...what?" Haruna said, her voice just barely squeaking out of her throat. "I-I'm sorry, I know this might be sudden, but I wanted to let you know. Akio-kun said I should too, just in case you still had feelings for him. He thought you might think I was stealing him away from you or something."
"It's the other way around," Haruna thought. It was one of the few thoughts in her head that was complete. She was shocked. Stunned beyond belief. Akio... asked Kanako out? The question kept looping in her mind. There was no way. It had to be some kind of cruel joke. After what Haruna had seen, she was sure that Akio wasn't serious about her. The way his face had looked when he talked about Kanako in a romantic sense had been enough to tell Haruna that he didn't see her that way. So why? How? How did this happen?
Haruna's head was spinning. She felt dizzy. Sick. She wanted to pretend like Kanako had never said the words she had, but there was no way to ignore them. When Haruna tried, they only got louder, pounding against her skull. Panic set in. She wanted to run away and not hear the rest, but her feet remained firmly in place.
"I-I was so surprised when Akio-kun confessed. I never thought the day would come. B-But... he said that he loves me, so I think-"
"Don't finish that sentence," Haruna begged, though only she was the one to hear her plea. Her mouth wouldn't move. Her lips remained sealed shut. "Don't say it," Haruna pleaded. "Please, don't say it.�� But, despite her pleas, they all went unheard by Kanako, as they all remained inside of Haruna.
"-I'm going to say yes."
What little had remained of Haruna's spirit shattered. Time and time again, she had thought she was making progress with Kanako, only to be terribly let down. Over and over, Haruna had tried everything she could think of to get Kanako to notice her feelings, but it had all failed. After each failure, she had managed to get back up and try something else, but Haruna was out of ideas. She had already taken one big hit recently and she still hadn't recovered from it. Now, as Kanako stood in front of her, it felt like the finishing blow had been dealt.
"It's over..." she thought dejectedly. "And I have no one to blame but myself." Haruna knew it. When she got down to the very bottom of it, the reason this result had come forth was because she hadn't been able to tell Kanako her feelings. She knew that. She knew that, but...
"...it's not fair..." she mumbled, her face pointed at the ground. She had tried. So many times, Haruna had tried. She may not have said the exact words in her heart, but she had shown what they were. Holding hands, the kiss on the cheek at the pier, sitting close together on the couch. Each one and more had been an effort for Haruna to show her love. And yet, all Akio had needed to do was say some sweet things here and there and give a confession, which was enough to destroy everything Haruna had done.
"...after everything I've done... why does he get your heart?" she said quietly. "I just don't get it. I mean, I do, but why? What makes him so much better? Why does he make you smile like that? Why does make you so happy? ...Why can't I?" Slowly, little by little, the words trickled out of Haruna's mouth. She had started barely above a whisper, but the more she spoke, the louder she got.
She couldn't take it anymore. All of her fears had been replaced by immense sorrow. Her frustration rose, but it was directed more at herself than anyone else. "Why... am I not good enough for you?" she asked, but expected no answer. "I want to be the one you can't wait to see. I want to be the one that makes your face light up. I want to be the one that you want!"
As Kanako stood and listened to Haruna, she stared, surprised by what was happening. "H-Haruna, what are you saying? I-I don't understand," she said. At her words, Haruna looked up. Tears were streaming down her face. "Y-You don't... understand...?" she said, her volume dropping briefly. "Even when I say all of that, you still don't get it?" Haruna's body was trembling. Her voice shook with emotion. "Everything I've been doing with you, everything I've said to you, and you still don't have a clue?!" Pinning Kanako down with tearful eyes, Haruna screamed.
"IT'S BECAUSE I'M IN LOVE WITH YOU, YOU IDIOT!!!!!!"
Kanako's eyes went so wide she was sure they'd pop out of her head. However, before she could even gather her thoughts, Haruna kept going. "But..." she said quietly. "It doesn't even matter, does it? Because In the end... you're choosing him over me." The tears poured down Haruna's cheeks. She couldn't stand there any longer. With tired legs, Haruna ran out the door.
"H-Haruna!" Kanako called, but by the time her hand was outstretched, the girl was long gone. Being able to grasp nothing but air, Kanako's hand fell back down to her side. She took one step back, then another, before her legs hit the edge of a desk chair and she dropped into it. "What... just happened?" Kanako said to no one. Being the only person around, she'd get no answer, but that hardly mattered. All she was trying to do was process as she said her next unanswered question.
"Haruna... is in love with me?"
End of Volume Three.
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